A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How do you guys deal with partners complaining about weight. Like I’m getting so fed up. I personally have been getting anxiety as I have not been able to hit my goals due to lockdown. So I spent some money and purchased some equipment. It’s been a struggle but I have to force myself and slowly have been improving my diet. My girlfriend on the other hand just tried to act dumb that her dresses don’t fit due to her boobs, and now she is going up to size 18. We got together when she was size 10. I said try not to go XXXL and keep it in control. I help her but she’s lazy. I find her so attractive as she put on weight, she knows this. But after few years it’s too much, I can’t constantly argue with her saying she looks fine. Yes she really is big, but I still am okay with it. If she just championed it and not moan. One day I feel like I’m going to blow and tell her what I really think. Now I sound harsh but when I wake up next to her I feel so lucky. It’s not my fault she feels fat in clothes when we go out or meet others. Her friends have had kids, were obese but worked hard to bring it down and that gives them freedom to wear fancy clothes. My gf has changed her clothes to cover her fat. Again it’s her choice I support it but I cannot struggle with her when she doesn’t read. Watch, learn, ask for advise.The turning point for me is when she called herself a fat pig. I stopped what I was doing and shook some sense into her. I said it’s normal to put on weight during lockdown and I supported and comforted her. But she is now repeatedly saying this. And it’s making me angry when I never been angry about it before.I dont like it when she puts herself down. Now I feel annoyed. Why? I didn’t feel like that. I never asked her to workout and be slim, that’s her choice. But to act unattractive and label yourself as a pig? Makes me feel less attractive, like doesn’t she like putting effort into even looking good for her man? I try to keep in shape for my partner , surely it’s nice thing right? I asked if she’s depressed, she says not at all, she is loving life. But I just see tv and food. She has dinner in bed unless I’m around. I can’t babysit but we can gain knowledge together right? I spend so many hours reading or watching videos to plan things. I don’t see this from her apart from soaps and tv that doesn’t not have any positive impact on life what so ever. Again I have no problem with this until she complains about being fat and lazy. It’s like a vicious circle. She attacks me for not doing anything but she hasn’t realised but I do a lot, she doesn’t notice. That’s because I do it for myself (jogging, fitness, eating better)
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female
reader, EmmyApple  +, writes (10 March 2021):
First you need to understand that weight gain is normal in a relationship. Like many women I have struggled with my weight my whole life. It is very, very difficult to maintain a slim body. I am a short 5’2” (147cm) and my lowest weight was around 140 pounds (64 kg) and size 10 just before I met my husband. It was very hard for me to maintain that low weight because I’m a naturally bigger girl and my natural appetite for food is quite large... if I just ate what I feel like my natural weight would be quite a bit higher than that. But in those days, I struggled with feeling single and unwanted, being a naturally more chubby girl my whole life is very difficult and made me feel undesirable. In those days I did try to diet and that’s how I kept my weight so low, but it wasn’t a healthy diet because it was motivated from an unhealthy place of insecurity and shame and self-loathing.
Then when I met my husband, I felt attractive again and I had a stable and secure relationship. Naturally, I began to relax and not stress as much about what I eat... so my weight went right back up. It was easy to ignore at first and then, suddenly none of my clothes could fit anymore. I was in denial about being overweight for a long time... after all I still felt healthy and average... but needing to buy all bigger sizes was a wake up call but by that point, I had put on enough weight that it would be very difficult to lose it... It was embarrassing not being able to wear clothes from earlier in the relationship. I tried all kinds of shapewear and spanx to try to squeeze myself into smaller sizes. Within a year, I hit size 18 just like your partner. :(
Trust me that she knows she’s chubby and she wishes she could change, but it’s really not that easy or simple. You need to understand that weight is an extremely sensitive and emotional topic for women. My husband DIDN’T handle my weight the right way and it almost destroyed the relationship. He criticized my belly fat which is by far my most embarrassing/sensitive area. It made me feel awful. He made remarks about ass not being firm and tight anymore. He was less passionate in bed with me. And he looked at pics of slim girls on Instagram all the time and watched them a lot on TV... ugh all of this made me feel like a whale. :(
You need to make her feel sexy. You need to show her how passionately you love her body exactly the way it is. She needs to feel like she’s the sexiest thing in the world in your eyes. She needs that feeling of security. Even if you’re unhappy with her weight you need to be so careful how you talk about it. I felt insecure and that didn’t motivate me to lose weight... it did the exact opposite. I felt overwhelmed and powerless to change. I turned to food and TV for comfort and my weight gain accelerated.
Within 2 years I hit 224 pounds (102 kg) and at this weight, weight loss becomes very difficult to start. My husband bought exercise machines but I can’t work up the motivation to try them. I feel scared and intimidated. Even something as simple as walking on a treadmill can be quite difficult. You need to understand that it’s a lot harder to when you are carrying so much weight. Nobody enjoys sweating and breathing hard - it feels incredibly uncomfortable. Changing one’s diet isn’t simple either. It’s overwhelming to understand how to change it because there are so many different opinions. And then actually making a change is very hard. Because food isn’t just about nutrition, it’s also full of emotion and feelings of pleasure and comfort. It’s so hard to change the habits that make life feel normal. For me, a pint of ice cream every night is a huge comfort for me and my craving for it is super strong. Intellectually, I know it’s fattening. I’m not an idiot. But I still eat it because I feel like I need it emotionally.
I know that might sound silly to you but food, weight, body image, these are all incredibly emotional topics, I think especially for women. My husband was totally insensitive to my emotions and couldn’t understand why I don’t “just lose the weight” like it’s so simple. It led to bad arguments and me lashing out at him about HIS weight gain! I felt incredibly judged and embarrassed and insecure and unsafe. And that actually led to more weight gain.
No wonder she loves bed and TV so much. I can completely relate. It’s her place of feeling comfort and safety. For me, 3-4 hours of TV each night before bed, quickly turned into all-day binge watching in my underwear. I wouldn’t even get dressed (which meant, having to squeeze into clothes that don’t fit, having to look at my body in the mirror). She knows she’s fat and she feels ashamed (hence, calling herself a pig) but rather than it motivating her to change, she feels totally overwhelmed and powerless.
She doesn’t need pressure to lose weight. She already wants to lose it but it’s too difficult and intimidating for her to start the process. You wonder why she doesn’t just read a book or watch a video about weight loss. Well, it’s not that easy because this is a very sensitive topic that brings up lots of feelings of shame and embarrassment and insecurity. Obviously, it’s easier to try to ignore all of that and just lay down on the comfy bed and watch TV. I can totally relate to that feeling. There are different types of personalities. Some crave adventure and trying new things. Others crave safety and comfort. Your girlfriend is the latter.
She needs you to reassure her that you passionately love her body just the way it is, so she can feel secure again. Then gently invite her to join you on walks outside and other EASY activities that won’t make her feel embarrassed if she can’t keep up. Remember that it’s a lot harder when you’re carrying a lot of weight. You need to be patient and take baby steps, like even just a 5 minute walk at first. It might not burn many calories but you need to start small, just getting her off the bed for a little bit is an important step. It might be hard for you to understand because you’re an active guy, but when you’re not used to an active lifestyle, physical activity can feel very intimidating. She is going to need to take a lot of small baby steps and you need to be patient with her.
She is probably a naturally larger girl and she might not ever be that slim size 10 again, but I’m sure that with a gentle and patient approach she will reach the weight that is natural for her. :)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2021): The book is an excellent idea! I shall buy this for her and I’ll make a bet she won’t read it :)
Sometimes I think to let her do what she wants, but it will only divide us years down the line.
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (5 March 2021):
 All you can do is advise her, be positive towards her, and tell her how beautiful she always looks.
Apart from that the only person that can really help her is her, and no one else.
Tell her how exhilarated and good you feel after a run, and say you should come along next time.
Or go for a nice walk together one morning afternoon.
She needs to set some goals, have something to steer towards.. This is something you can do together, but she has to get over that first hurdle.
Like I say, the only one that will get her over that first hurdle is her, but once she does it will be onwards and upwards.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (5 March 2021):
I should add, despite his profession the book doesn’t recommend weight loss surgery unless it’s an absolute last resort.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (5 March 2021):
I’d recommend telling her to read the book ‘Why we eat (too much)’. It’s written by a doctor that specialises in weight loss surgery. He’s done a lot of research on the people he treats and explains why some people really struggle with obesity despite knowing in theory what they should do to overcome it.
In a nutshell, it’s not as easy as diet, exercise and willpower for many people, maybe she is one of them?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 March 2021):
 So next time she moans about her weight - ask her:" SO what are you going to do about it?"
I'd tell her the ONLY one who can change her body is HER.
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