A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm engaged to a man that his little contact with his son. His son is now engaged to a wonderful girl and is getting married. They are being frugal about their wedding plans so they can go on a honeymoon and save for a house, which we think is great. There is not much contact with the son or his daughter. They never remember him on his birthday, father's day or at Christmas. They rarely text back. My fiance's ex-wife is married and she and her husband want to pay for the rehearsal supper, whether we are invited to that, I don't know, but I don't count on his ex-wife wanting to spend their money on us for a meal. My fiance paid thousands of dollars for his daughter's wedding and his ex-wife contributed nothing. We were not invited to the rehearsal supper for his daughter's wedding.His son only wants to splurge on a nice wedding suit for his wedding and asked his dad if he would help. My fiance asked what price range, it could be thousands of dollars, hundreds or $250.00. My fiance offered $250.00 since they are being frugal and doing it the right way.Nothing has since been communicated to my fiance about the wedding suit. I noticed on Facebook yesterday that his son liked a photo of a young girl. The photo said--"I realize now that my parents are just regular people with flaws, and my dad is not a villain. He's just an asshole."The page is Humans of New York on Facebook.Now I had just posted a picture of me and his dad on my profile picture and I am sure he saw that. I have noticed too that if we go take a vacation anywhere and I do a check in from my mobile phone on Facebook, like to a restaurant, immediately his son will text about a dilemma he is having and they go back and forth and my fiance gets upset with him when my fiance is on vacation and he asks why does he always have to do that when I take a vacation. I have since stopped the check-in's and now only post after the fact any vacation pictures and sometimes I set the privacy level to where they can't see the pictures.His son is 25 years old by the way.Anyway, I was quite upset about his son liking that picture off of Facebook and what it said about a dad being an a$$hole thinking at the time it was indirectly directed at his dad and sending him a message. I haven't let my fiance know about it because I feel it would upset him greatly. Whether it was directed at my fiance or not, I am not sure, but the liking of the photo is telling.His son can be quite charming face to face and I love his fiancee. She is darling. But, there is this undercurrent of emotions emitting at times.Do I show this photo to my fiance or should I just stay out of it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2015): Turnabout is fair play.Don't let your Facebook be a conduit to your fiancé's "children" acting out towards him. Both the son and daughter sound immature.If they don't contact him, but only to use him for his money, then that is up to your fiancé to decide if he wants his kids to continue to walk all over him.Personally, I would never stand for this behavior that these kids are exhibiting towards him. Being who I am, I would have said something, even if they never decide to contact me again.They sound very rude, disrespectful and ungrateful, at least towards their father.I would recommend marching on and cutting them out of your life as much as possible and with Facebook as a good starting point.If they come to their senses, good, but if not, consider it a good loss and at least you don't have to deal with them directly.It looks like the whole family needs to be in counseling starting with the ex-wife and her issues.Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2015): Looks like this adult son of your fiancé is trying to upset him when you are having a good time taking a vacation.That is a very good idea stopping the check-in's on Facebook when you are taking a trip. He definitely is "acting out" as you say by texting his dad about issues soon after your check-ins. He wants to disrupt your vacation. He sounds emotionally immature. Post the vacation pictures after the trip on Facebook if you want. Then exclude them from that album. It looks like that is your plan all ready.Too bad you can't unfriend them from Facebook all together!Step back from Facebook and just don't let them know what you are doing anymore. Kids are all wired to the internet these days, with Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. They will notice the backing off.Your fiancé needs to stop the Gravy Train to his kids, but that is for him to decide. Grit your teeth and go through the motions on the wedding. You and your fiancé will survive. After that event, your fiancé isn't obligated to shell out any more money or do anymore. The son should be lucky his dad is offering any help at all after the way he has been treated.Their behavior towards him now tells you all you need to know.Get on with your life and have fun. Diminish these people in your mind as not worthy of your time or attention. Turn it around.You are under no obligation to do anything for them unless you want to.Leave it in your fiancé's court on how to deal with his kids.I don't have the link, but in Psychology Today there is an article about Step-parents revolting and saying Not My Child, Not My Problem. Take that advice and view those adult children in that light.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2015): Stay out of the fray on this one. Don't let your fiancé see the post his son liked.It appears his son is indirectly taking a jab at his father.Something must have been discussed regarding the suit (probably the ex-wife), but I can only speculate.His son should be "grateful" that his father is even offering to help with the suit. The son sounds immature. He is 25? He needs to grow a pair.It appears his "adult" children, and I use the term adult loosely, are using their father as an ATM machine as most fathers of divorces become to appease their children and attempt to buy their love. Fathers easily fall into that trap.Gosh, his own daughter did not invite you or her father to their rehearsal supper and her father spent thousands of his own money on their wedding. How tacky is that.The ex-wife seems crafty offering to have her and her husband pay for the son's rehearsal supper. They probably offered to pay for the rehearsal supper so that the both of you get excluded and not invited. Quick maneuvering on HER part.Stay out of it, limit their access to your Facebook or the photo albums. Go absent. Believe me, they will notice. If they want to know what you are up to, they can call, but don't count on it.Let your fiancé deal with his son and his new wife on his terms.View all the children as just those people living in another city or town that you occasionally see now and then and have to put up with and leave it at that.The damage has all ready been done by the ex-wife.Live your life fully. Life is too short for their mental issues. That is what family counselors are for.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 January 2015):
 I agree with Eyeswideopen!
Excellent plan. I think though, that you ALREADY knew what to do. Most of us do, we just don't always take our own advice.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (22 January 2015):
 Your plan makes excellent sense. Why don't you get on the payroll here and join the aunts, I think you would be an asset. WAIT THIS JUST IN...there is no payroll
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2015): The OP here.
Thank you for all the excellent answers.
From what I have been told, my fiancé's ex-wife had total control of the children growing up. She refused to work and my fiancé worked hard to keep up with her spending habits. She provided the emotional support to the children and he provided the financial aspect all to keep up with the bills and her out of control spending. So he was absent a lot due to working so much. She rarely let her children see his parents, the children's grandparents. Her side of the family "always" came first and she spoon fed them bad things about their father while they were growing up. The grandparents are bitter about his ex-wife and not being able to see their grandchildren. The grandchildren have turned against their grandparents as well, but love their mother's grandparents and will do anything for them. It is what it is. It is sad really.
I do agree the son probably needs to man up and act more mature, but maturity comes slow for some individuals. The acting out is evidence of that lack of maturity.
If his mother snaps her fingers, he jumps and asks how high. He is very attached to his mother and they have a strong bond. Hopefully, over time he will detach from her mammary glands, but some never do. It will interesting to watch this dynamic being played out with his new wife. I doubt she will want to drop everything and run to his mommy every time his mother wants them to visit which involves a lot of travel time for both of them.
I think the best thing to do from my aspect is to say nothing, limit them on Facebook and set my privacy controls on my albums so they don't see what we are doing. I see that his daughter is doing that on Facebook and being very selective on what she puts on her Facebook with pictures. She has to walk a tightrope with having divorced parents and now being married and having a baby. She spends most of her time with her husband's side of the family. That is her prerogative.
I will stay uninvolved, be civil as I can, and live my life. I do see where so many people decide not to remarry later in life do to all the family drama and baggage that people bring in from their prior history and ongoing issues. A thought that I have pondered, unfortunately, at times.
Thank you, again, for your responses. They have helped immensely.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (22 January 2015):
 I would NOT show the photo.
I think the son wants to upset his father. The son is behaving very immaturely.
The son is an adult. If he wants a $1500 suit and his father offered $250 then the son should consider that a nice discount on the cost of the suit. After the wedding his father will no longer have the $250 but the son will still have the suit.
When a family member is disrespectful to another then neither $250 nor $2500 nor $25000 will make any difference. The son will remain disrespectful.
"A parent who's children come to visit him and hug him, when the parent has nothing to offer them back, but for his wisdom and his hugs, is a rich man indeed."
(paraphrased, as I can't find who wrote the original quote first - But I like the quote)
“Of the billionaires I have known, money just brings out the basic traits in them. If they were jerks before they had money, they are simply jerks with a billion dollars”(Warren Buffett)
Scrap the Facebook and leave the son to his years of discontent. Maybe the son will learn some humility once he is a father himself. Though there is no guarantee.
Until the son learns some wisdom and learns to behave more respectfully then he is to be tolerated in small doses. The son is 25, he is not 3. He should be a man by now.
The son may also resent your presence so do not wade into these troubled waters. The father and the son may or maybe will not resolve this.
Sounds like the son is taking his mother's side and has listened to his mother's vitriol about your fiancé one too many times?
The mending of this bridge is solely for your fiancé and his son to tackle, when they are ready
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 January 2015):
I would stay out of it. It's his son, if the son has a problem with his dad... that is between the two of them.
As for the photo, sure it could be a hint to his dad. Can be for many reason.
The son is 25, in that age group where they think the WHOLE world revolves around them or at least SHOULD revolve around them, I'm sure his son is no different.
I find "liking" Facebook stuff can be a passive-aggressive way of NOT dealing with an issue they might have, and sometimes it's just for attention, trying to sound "Deep" or a simple musing on something.
If your fiance's son has an issue with his dad, LET him talk to his dad or confront him, DO NOT let the son use you to fire of HIS ammo.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (22 January 2015):
 I'd suggest staying out of it. You only know what your fiancée has told you about why he has little contact with either of his kids. To be honest, your fiancée might be a great man in all that you know of him, but he may have been an emotionally/physically absent father, causing resentment and lack of contact.
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