A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was with my boyfriend for over 3 years. We had a lot of good moments but after he moved away, for work, for 6 months things went down hill. I started to become the jealous, clingy, needy, insecure girlfriend. I started accusing him of cheating, constantly lying and questioned his every move. At that point we were fighting almost everyday. This caused him to distance himself and eventually we broke up. Anyway, we stayed broken up for quite some time until we seemed to have reached a bit of indifference. We decided to get back together to see if we can make things work again. However, things aren't the same as they once were. I was hoping we could start all over and be the same in-love couple we were 3 years ago. We saw each other last night and he told me that he's just not happy and that he feels nothing's changed. He said that he loves me and wants to be with me but all the drama from the PAST has left a bad taste in his mouth. He said that he feels like I'm "bitching to get him to stay" and that it won't work.He went on to tell me that if he doesn't want to text me, he isn't going to. If he doesn't want to see me more than once a week, he isn't going to. There's still some tension between us. While we were broken up he started a new job where he's on call 24/7. He's doing plumbing/repairing and sometimes works 12-15 hours a day. I understand this but at the same time he has the "time" to go grab lunch with his co-workers or spend time with them after work, playing xbox, but he can't hardly pick up his phone to text me. He doesn't seem to care that it bothers me and basically has said that I deal with it or I can be with someone else. It's like this second time around he isn't even trying to really make things work. I feel like I'm doing it all and my only options are to keep doing it until he "possibly" comes around or just let him go. I saw him Sunday and he was somewhat affectionate and we had sex and all was well. Last night when we started talking about this stuff, the mood totally changed. He wasn't really affectionate. We laid in bed together watching a movie while he laid his head on my chest and I rubbed his back and he rubbed my foot. =/ He did't walk me out when I left but assured me once he got naked and crawled into bed he wouldn't be so I did know this beforehand, he didn't hug me all night or even TRY to have sex. Right before I left he told me he loved me and to give him a kiss so I bent down, kissed him on the lips, and walked out locking the door behind me. I know he had to be at work this morning by 7am and he was dreading today because he said it was going to be a tough job he's doing today (a lot of digging). I text him telling him "good morning.. i hope you have a good day.. i love you" and he hasn't replied, not even sure he will. Back in the good ol' days he'd text me all the time. Now it's like nothing I say matters. If I were to start blowing up his phone right now he'd take the 2 seconds it takes 2 text me back to tell me to stop, but if I say anything nice or loving I basically get a big fat NOTHING. This has sent my mind going crazy, yet again, and I feel myself slowly becoming what I once was in the past. He's in the mindset nothing will change for the better, but it CAN if he'd stop thinking that way and actually try to let things. It's like he's already expecting the bullshit drama so he's avoiding it before it happens. It feels like a losing battle.Without telling me we should breakup what other advice can you offer? I want this guy back IN my life and I want to feel reconnected to him but I can't do it while he's actually "away". I want him to fall in love with me all over again so what should I do? I know it can be done, but I'm not sure how to go about it.
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (6 March 2014):
 He seems like he is up to his neck in work. Work is very important to blokes (women too, but really intense for men). A man will want praise and appreciation for working so hard and if you are bitching, worrying, and creating drama, he's NOT going to love it.
You have issues, he doesn't. It's not his responsibility to deal with your issues. It is not his responsibility to make you happy if you arn't happy with yourself.
I've seen some women get so 'invested' in a relationship that they become almost manic with worry and need constant reassurance that everything is OK...it can be a real drag to have to put up with that day in day out.
You say he is distant...it's because he wants space, he wants you to get your shit together and he is trying to show support by telling you he still loves you and saying it's OK to text him, but you are reading between the lines too much and making an issue out of every little thing.
I am sorry to say it but I don't think you are bringing much trust and respect to the relationship...you seem to want things your way or you will have a mental breakdown!!! life just isn't like that.
You say he should be doing this and he should be doing that!!...there is nothing he SHOULD be doing, only what he WANTS to be doing...you cannot dictate, you can only leave if it doesn't suit you.
In all honesty I cannot see him doing anything wrong, just a guy trying his best to deal with a super clingy and insecure woman whilst trying to work his nuts off at the same time!!
Have you thought about having some relationship therapy?...just for you, so you can focus on why you fatalize his every move?
Again, apologies for being tough on you, I mean no offence but am trying to answer how I see the situation unfolding in your words.
He is working away...that's what he does...if you are the kind of person who needs your partner close by at all times, you need to choose someone else!
Hope you find a way to overcome your issues so this relationship can be allowed to breathe again!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2014): To Cerberus I am the anon poster, please do not assume that I nor my husband know not how to work through issues, we have been together 25 years .. you don't know me or I you or your wife... I just pointed out that it is human behaviour ( I'm a mental health nurse) that we all have these feelings and emotions and we do not always act rationally ( we may hope that we will) when we do.. If one of us in acting out of character it is up to the other to step in and reassure us.. And that we work through ( as you quietly rightly say.) . What I put was not a slur nor a slight on your post, I felt it was as always well put, however I did feel that I had to put that there is nothing wrong in feeling insecure, upset, clinging, now and then as theses are all human behaviours... She did put him through the mill, but I guess she was not receiving the reassurance that she needed.. However she does need to get a handle on these feelings ... As they tend to eat at you if you don't .The reason they broke up, was her insecure period.. However him using his contact like a whip to a dog is not the answer either,... He is not being cautious .. He just being authoritative and controlling when and how they contact each other, that isn't right.. Not matter which way you paint it ..I wish you all the best sweetie, but until you and your partner can sit down face to face and talk.. Then this is going to continue.. It is not unreasonable to want to hear from your partner, especially if you are in a committed relationship, you must be reasonable, but only the two of you can work out what is reasonable.. It takes two mins to send a text... If that is the only means of communication you have .. Give him some space, get out a little as I suggested, don't sit and wait by the phone.. Etc .. Go to the gym during the week or to a friends ... Don't smother him... Work out something that your both happy.. Talk it through.. He sounds very busy boy.. Take care..
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2014): Is he giving you a reason for being insecure? I was in an LDR and my ex messed me around, sometimes deliberately giving me the silent treatment from several hundred miles away over the sea. Or he'd make up stories about why his phone was off all weekend and his PC broke yet again. It only served to break the trust and ultimately destroy the relationship when other stuff was wrong to start with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2014): Just to add, OP, I'm not against you here. I'm rooting for this to work out for you in a way that is best for you.
The reason I'm so sceptical here is that you so very clearly have not changed and have no idea what you're doing here, you're just hoping for the best.
"If I can get him "reconnected" things will be fine like they used to be."
I mean you're so very clearly waiting for him to sucked in and are working on that basis alone. What work have you done to improve your attitude towards this, to remove the jealousy, the insecurity?
What have you fixed in practical terms? Because you list nothing, just hopes and dreams. In fact you're making him out to be the bad guy here for being cautious, can you blame him when you're starting to act the same way about his job etc.?
You need to work on yourself, and you need to learn to go with the flow and not panic at the first sign that he's not "reconnecting" fast enough.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2014): Female anon if my wife began behaving out of character and she was becoming a nightmare to be with she's the kind of person intelligent enough to know something is wrong and we'd work together to fix it because we'd know how.
The OP has no idea how to fix this, they only reunited under the basis that they "want to" fix things, yet neither of them has even thought about what it will take to fix things. Their idea of fixing things was to just to go straight back into the problems and hope they go away on their own. If you think that's what "working things out" is then you're in for a shock, because diving straight back only puts the right back into the situation they found it impossible to make it work the first time.
A second chance is supposed to be a clean break with everything resolved, not jump straight back into the mess you left behind and never bothered to fix. They couldn't do it the first time they still have the same issues and still the cracks are beginning to appear.
Your analogy doesn't work in the OP's case for that very reason. They broke up because of this before, they spent 6 months apart and they come back together and the issues are still there. I'd never have agreed to get back together "to make it work" because I know it just won't work until the issues are resolved and that has to be done before you get back together and reignite the emotions. If something like this was happening with my wife, she'd turn to me for support not push me away or make me the object of her insecurities. Neither of us are jealous people, neither of us are insecure about each other or our relationship and we're both old enough to know that "fat days", periods of low self-esteem, bad moods, etc. are all part of life, and are no threat to our relationship.
OP you and he are on the different pages here but he's doing the right thing by being cautious. You have to be patient. Of course you are walking on eggshells, in all likelihood your experiment is not going to work so you really need to keep your emotions in check and be patient. If you rush this you'll probably lose him again.
You see I say you'll fail because you're at it again. You talk about wanting to get him "reconnected" your way, you're already demanding this be a certain way instead of just going with the flow, and you're going to be very disappointed because that won't happen. Have you not considered that this idea of "reconnected" you have is what made you a paranoid loon in the first place? You seem to think anything other than magical little place is not real and you start to panic, exactly like you are now. The only reason you haven't turned into a loon again is because you're walking on eggshells, as soon as you relax again it's all going to start again because you're living on a dream, a dream that your relationship used to be perfect, once it wasn't perfect you went nuts. Instead of adapting to the situation you're stuck in this idea of the way it should be and it's going to be your downfall.
You already are getting impatient and frustrated, you're not going to be "careful" for long, you'll just flip like you did the last time because you want this whole thing to be on your terms.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes - I do trust him. I know that he does love me and wants this to work or he would NOT be in the picture. If he wasn't interested he just flat out wouldn't do it. The issue I'm having is the distance between us. He's definitely keeping his guard up and that is what's making me uneasy. While I trust him, it's his holding back that makes me feel like he's kind of watching me to see my reactions and to see if things will be different.
He called me again right when I went to bed last night at 11 and said he was heading to his last job for the night and that it should take about 30 minutes. He wanted to know why I didn't text him goodnight like I said I was going to and I told him that it was because I knew he was working and didn't want to bother him. He told me I should have still text him and he would have read it, even if he couldn't reply. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. I'm so nervous because I do really love this guy and feel like this time around is make or break.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (6 March 2014):
Do you trust him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies! When we were together for the 3 years, the insecurity and stuff didn't start until after he moved away for work. Not getting to see him and not talking like we had prior to the move took a toll on me and our relationship. By the time he moved back here it was too late and we broke up. Once the seed was planted it was hard to fix it. The only real way was to break up, which we did.He wanted to get back together, as did I, and see if we could make it work. He told me that he's only doing this because he really does love me and is giving me the benefit of the doubt that things will be different on my end. He told me straight out that if I behave like I used to (which I haven't since we got back together and did realize a lot of petty bullshit mistakes I was making) that he would leave me for good and never take me back.He finally text me back earlier today and called me about an hour ago telling me he loved me and was heading to another job and that he won't be able to text me for the next few hours and that he'll holler at me when he gets finished. It was such a fast call I can't even really tell you what all he did say. It was basically short and to the point. I just told him I loved him, be careful and if I hadn't heard from him by bedtime that I'd send him a goodnight text.We have just recently gotten back together and talked all of this over so we both know what we need to do and have planned to take it one day at a time. We DO have potential but he's still keeping me at a distance. I can feel it when I'm away from him and I can feel it when I'm with him. I know I have a chance to improve things but getting there is going to be hard. If I can get him "reconnected" things will be fine like they used to be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2014): I don't know how your relationship was before this needy phase took over your life and I have to assume that this behaviour is new.. Now everyone goes through different phases and Cerberus would shock me if he said that if his wife became somewhat needy or upset or clinging, that he himself would not go out his way to find out and rectify whatever was wrong, as that's what loving supportive couples do.. Everyone can at some point feel insecure, it's up to our partners to step in a reassure us that hell no there nothing up and to talk through whatever it is that ails us.. The problem for me is, if your saying this isn't normally you, and this was your first time or there had been certainly long while since you last felt like this, then I'm perplexed as to why your partner of three years did not step up and make you realise that this is just foolishness...My advice would be distance yourself, he has all the cards and aces, and he's willing to see you squirm and kick, ( not very nice of him ) I would do thus: I would have a face to face chat after a nice meal in a restaurant, hey I would even fit the bill.. I know my worth and I know for a fact that if at anytime my relationship ended ( love and been with my hubby 25 years since 15teen) I would not rush to date again but I wouldn't be left on the shelf, if he was stupid to let a good thing go then more fool him, wouldn't you say ??I would tell him, this stance on him deciding when to text was not what I was prepared to accept yes I know he's busy, yes I understand he has friends, etc but a relationship that has no contact ( brief when he feels ) dies, just like plants they need watered everyday so does a relationship .. So either you two reach an adult agreement or there is no point .. You are going out with the girls this weekend, I would see him the Thursday, and he has the weekend to make up his mind during this weekend you will take that your both on a break, and let him go and find as someone as special as you, as certainly you are not sitting on your ass waiting for him to decided whenever it takes his nelly puff to call or text you..Now: this will go three ways he will either apologise and you two will talk or he may walk or he may take the weekend to think it through..Now this is critical you go out over the weekend if he chooses the latter two, you have fun, as if he really loves you, if he does, he will come back..Relationships sweetie are either two way or no way.Do not compromise yourself, your dignity, your self esteem .. Okey you got clingy, okey you got needy so blooming what.. You needed reassurance and support and not to be negative here at the end, but maybe he wasn't giving it because maybe his heart just isn't init.. Your worth more than that... Take care keep us posted..
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (5 March 2014):
It's not that he CAN'T give you what you want, it's that he DOESN'T want to give you what you want. There has been too much drama and although he is keeping you 'on board' he's basically looking for a way out!!
There is NOTHING you can do. Hold on if you wish, but he has TOLD you what to expect and if that isn't good enough for what you want, then you are either going to have to accept the scraps or quit!
Perhaps giving him some space might help at this time, in fact, I think it's crucial. He's already jaded with you (anyone can see this from what you wrote). Like you said, blowing up his phone is the fast track to getting dumped, so either accept the slow path to getting dumped or dump him yourself!!
You got choices...they just arn't that great!!
Good luck and sorry I couldn't give you the magic fairy sugar coated pixie dust answer :-( xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2014): "Without telling me we should breakup what other advice can you offer?"
Nothing at all. There's literally no advice that is going to make this work because you're still the crazy paranoid jealous women that played her part in making the thing fall apart in the first place.
You can't say you know it can be done unless you have the solution. OP you hope it can be done, but it can't.
Op you should have dealt with all the issues that made you break up in the first place before you got together. You just decided to give it a shot without doing that, and you're still the paranoid obsessive over-thinker you were 6 months ago.
His heart is not in this at all, he;s keeping a very big emotional distance from you and you are demanding that you be the loved up couple you used to be without bothering to face up to the fact that there are too many issues you just decided to ignore, that aren't going to go away.
You're already demanding more time from him, already starting to bitch about the level of affection. You're chasing a dream instead of taking things one step at a time. You rushed back into the relationship with nothing solved and now you;re trying to rush the relationship back to when it was amazing. It never will be, there's too much history and you';re living on hope, not reality.
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