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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I have been together for over 4 years (except a 4 month break) and I'm to the point that I'm not happy. I feel lonely and neglected. I broke up with him 5 months ago because he'd started neglecting me, wouldn't contact me and made no effort to see me. This wasn't normal "time to myself" neglect. This was end of relationship neglect. That was at a really bad phase in our relationship and the only thing that could have been done was to end it. There was no way of fixing it without breaking up and spending time apart. We were broken up for 4 months and he begged for me back EVERY week and said he'd do his part to try. The last month he's done better but I'm right back to feeling the way I used to. I'm up right now feeling sad, hurt and feel like seeking revenge for him making me feel this way. In the past when he'd do this I'd act stupid and do something spiteful to get him back. It felt like the only way he'd give me any attention.I've talked to him about it (just this past weekend) and all he says is that he's trying and has been contacting me every day, which he has... EVERY day, he at least speaks to me whether it's short and to the point "i love you" or a small conversation but I'm still not happy. I feel miserable right now. He was distant yesterday and told me not to be mad at him as there was a situation going on which was the reason. I let it go. I woke up this morning and messaged him first thing saying I wanted to see him today, he didn't even get the message until 9 hours later and all he said was that he didn't know I wanted to come (no shit, right?) and that he loves me and asked if we can do it tomorrow. I ignored it and didn't even reply. This is somebody I used to be completely IN LOVE with and now I feel anger towards him. I'm losing my attraction to him and my feelings are decreasing because of how I feel being in this relationship. In person he's the complete opposite. I can see his love for me in his eyes and can feel his love for me when he touches me... but once we're apart I feel like I'm forgotten. During our breakup I was finding myself again and got to a point where I didn't give a fuck what he thought and that made me feel so good. Even when we got back together, the first few weeks I was calling the shots. I still have been but I can tell my emotions are now starting to get the best of me. I'm finding it harder to stand my ground than I did a week ago. I've made it 100% clear what I will NOT tolerate and that is being neglected. While he's at least contacting me everyday, even as a check in sort of way, I'm still miserable. I hate the way this relationship is making me feel at the moment. All he seems to care about is himself and he does whatever the hell he wants yet wants to have an opinion on what I should be doing since we're "back together".I know I'm rambling as my thoughts are all over the place right now. I love him but I hate him at the same time. I'm tired of being taken for granted. I really am. He had 4 months away from me and more than enough time to have moved on yet he wants me... for what? He doesn't seem to be around emotionally enough to want me for anything. At this point I don't know what to do. If he contacts me tomorrow and I reciprocate then it's giving him the impression that I'm okay with him being distant and it's not. You don't reward a dog for bad doing. If I give in to him, he'll think it's okay.What I really need is a way to punish him (not so much punish, I'm not his mother) or a way to NOT reward him for his crappy behavior. What are some things I can do to stand firm so he knows I'm not playing? Typically in the past when he'd act this way I'd jump at his breadcrumbs 'cause it was the only time I could see him and he was "making effort", only it was temporary effort until after he got to see me. I want some ways to put my foot down so he knows this kind of behavior won't be accepted anymore in this relationship.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (20 November 2014):
 He wants you back, I think for the same reason you want him back. Familiarity. IF you two have spend 5 years together, you BOTH presume there is SOMETHING in there to build on for the future.
But if YOU think you have to DUMP him in order to MAKE him change, I think you are fooling yourself. HE IS who he is, you CAN NOT change a person if they DO NOT seek this change for themselves. HE is trying to do better, not because he WANTS to, but to please you, which means he WILL revert back to his own ways down the line.
You aren't happy, he isn't happy. He doesn't even seem to GET the point you were trying to put across. HE just thinks YOU should suck it up and be happy with what you got.
If you have SAT him down and explained what you need/want from him and there has been no real change, then it's not going to happen. You have started to resent him and I think yourself a little too, and that is not a good base for a relationship.
You two stick to a pattern. He wants his thing, you want YOUR thing. Every now and then YOU will fuss and he will (temporarily) comply, but only till he gets what he wants.
I think you hope you can "train" him or "teach" him to be a certain way, you can't really, because he doesn't WANT to be that way. THAT is why it's only temporary.
YOU want and need more from a partner then he is WILLING to give. Maybe it's TIME to let this relationship go.
BTW 4 months isn't adequate time (for everyone) to move on. Specially if you both think you are on a "break". And specially if you have kept in touch and done "relationship" things.
One thing I have to say, and this is my personal opinion, if people FEEL they have to have a "break" from a relationship in order to make it work, then it becomes BROKEN. Time apart isn't going to fix it. That is like turning of the faucet to stop a leaky sink. YOU have to work out the problem and FIX that, not walk away hoping it automatically will fix itself.
Sorry, I have no magic trick to fix this.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2014): Lady you are meant to be in your 30s, grow up.
"What I really need is a way to punish him"
" You don't reward a dog for bad doing. If I give in to him, he'll think it's okay."
Are you aware he's a human being and not a pet? Maybe he's distant as he needs time to recover from your game playing. You honestly come across as a young teenager.
Leave the relationship and don't reply to his texts, you don't seem to like him much any more even if you did once love him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2014): Yes either leave, or when he contacts you dont respond straightaway but say you were busy. In fact why play any games, start doing your own things again and dont contact him just go a out your own business again. And if he contacts you and asks what your doing or have been doi.g, then he may come to realize that you dont just sit around waiting for him and you do have other things in your life. He will either want then to spend time with you because he will understand he is no longer the centre of your attention or he wont bother and if he doesnt then you dont bother neither.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 November 2014):
 You can leave. Permanently. You can not and will not change him. He is who he is. His behavior is what it is and it's part and parcel of him as a man.
This relationship has run it's course and is over... you two are just letting it die a slow painful death. Pull the plug go NO CONTACT and move on. Take up to 2 years or so to heal (half the amount of time of the relationship) but be aware that you are already mourning the death of it so it may take you less time to be ready to get back out there.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (19 November 2014):
 I am not one to say end any relationship because things are bad. But there are some things you have to look at. First, he is not your husband. Husbands and wives are worth fighting for. Boyfriends and girlfriends are like testing grounds to see what you want in life. And if the both of you want the same thing, then it leads to marriage.Now comes the question? Does he give you what you are looking for in a boyfriend, that you would want to make him your husband?? If the answer is "No", then why are you wasting your time on someone who does not live up to being your future husband?If he is worth all your time and effort, then ask him where he sees you both in 5 years? If he is ready to commit to you, it will open up new communication doors. If he brushes you off...well then...
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