A
female
age
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*ing
writes:I have been married for 23 years. Last year, I found that my husband had been texting and emailing a colleague (and she had responded over 200 times) with extremely explicit sexual language - It read as though they were having an affair - even though they had met secretly in Paris for the weekend. When I asked - he assured me that they had and were not. I asked him to stop as I felt that he was having a "Virtual Affair" and it made me very unhappy. He didn't. A year later after several outbursts on my part he agreed to not continue. I have found that they are still in contact by txt. He has since put a lock on his mobile. I have invaded his privacy. I really want to trust him. I now find that he has started flirting with another colleague on line. He was surprised by my outburst, but said he understood once I pointed out what he was doing. He has always flirted - but somehow having it written down makes me feel I am being undermined. I know that I should not invade his personal communications, but I just don't trust him.Question: How do I make him understand that overt flirtations and his forgetting my feelings is wrong. Or should I pretend nothing is happening?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): ' iateadonut ' is a very valid response.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): ' justgirl ' has been the best response !
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A
male
reader, iateadonut  +, writes (14 July 2008):
i really like justgirl's answer.
i've noticed just recently that when i have the desire to flirt with other women, it always has something to do with my wife, like i feel that she doesn't like me, or something else... it makes me need affection from a woman, so i end up talking to them more, even going out with them.
BUT, the thing that i've discovered is that no one has the emotional control over me that my wife does. i could go out with a million women friends; she could pay me attention and i could have a good time, but if my support from my wife is gone, i feel like shit as soon as the other woman leaves. and, if my wife and i are on good terms, (for example if she's out of town), i'm content at home working on a project or just bs'ing on this website.
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A
female
reader, Ting +, writes (13 July 2008):
Ting is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your quick responses.
I think I need to just keep talking to him and make it quite clear where I want the lines drawn. We have three children and they have no idea/nor family and friends - about the tension this has brought to what appears to be a very successful marriage.
I do need to stand up for myself - I don't intend to rant, as he generally responds negatively to the emotion rather than to what I am saying - which if I am upset is expressed badly. We both know you have to work at a marriage - I think that we may have both been distracted by family and work whilst the children have been growing up.
I definately feel more empowered by the responses I have had and especially the support from people I have never met. Thank you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2008): You might not like what I am going to say, but I am not trying to upset you; I am only giving you my opinion from what I read in your posting and my comments and suggestions are based on that.
You CANNOT TURST this man; he is CHEATING on you;
These are the FACT, very clear from your posting;
You have been PRETENDING for too long; You know what he is doing; yet you ALLOWED him to get away with it all the time;
YOu have to face REALITY; no more TURNING A BLIND EYE;
Yes, I know and I understand it hurts, and you want to believe that he is innocent; but deep down, deep inside you know what is happeing and it still hurts; You have been try to avoid reality; suppressing your hurt and your fears; this is not good; yes, then you have outburst but then you just suppress your feelings and emotions for the sake of PEACE;
It is time you stand up for yourself; it is time you face the reality of the situation;
I suggest you see a counselor and get some professional help; somebody to help you to work through this; to prepare yourself to handle the REALITY of the situation; to help you to deal with it and to find the best way FORWARD for you;Your HAPPINESS; then you can TALK to your husband about his behaviour, affairs and cheating; only once YOU KNOW how you want to continue the Future;
Get HELP; stop pretending; you DESERVE much better;
Start taking care of Yourself, think about yourself and your HAPPINESS first.
It will not be easy; my thoughts are with you;
Keep me posted
Best wishes and lots of SMILES
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A
female
reader, smile-babes-x3 +, writes (13 July 2008):
hey there (: well im not exactly and expert at this sort of stuff but i will try my best. i think you need to make it clear of how much you love him, and that the way he is treating you is hurting you in more ways than one. explain to him that you want to trust him but if he acts like this you have no idea how to. however you need to find out the truth and as much of it as you can from him until you go searching through his phone, because this is also forgetting his feelings. keep an eye on the situation and if the flirting continues tell him how you feel about it and lay down some ground rules about the way he speaks to other women and the types of things you dont mind him saying to them and the things you do. hope this helps, good luck, if you have anyquestions about this answer then go onto my column and write me a message and i will get back to you x
(:
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A
female
reader, Skeez +, writes (13 July 2008):
 Well to be honest I wouldnt tell you to do what hes doing back, becuase thats just immature. I see you have spoken to him about if over a few years and he still hasnt listend to you, so I think you should give up on the words and start taking action.Perhaps you should give him an ultimatum. Its these girls or me. He shouldnt be doing this to you and hes slowly ruining your marriage, so why would you want to stay with someone who thinks so little of you?I know its painful. I was with my boyfriends for 2 years (i know its nothing comapred to you two) but he changed lods in the last few months and it hurt me becuase he used me and didnt think much of me anymore. But people change and some people change when they have been with someone with so long. I personally think its down right horrible to just chuck away someone youve been with for so long but it happens.Give yourself a break. Ignore him when he talks to you. Refuse to do his laundry and make his dinner. Go out with your friends as much as possible. If he asks you why you are doing this then just reply to him with 'This is what ur life is going to be like, if you dont stop talking to these women, becuase Ill be gone'It should give him a shock that what hes doing is wrong. Or maybe you should just kick him out of your house. Take his house keys and tell him to find somewhere else to live until he can start appreciating you.You need to take action darling. Goodluck sweety and do keep us posted.
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