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How do I know he'll stick around? How do I tell my parents?

Tagged as: Family, Pregnancy, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 August 2014) 14 Answers - (Newest, 3 September 2014)
A female Canada age 18-21, *ayeAshleigh writes:

I'm 16 and Thursday I took three home pregnancy test and they all came back positive.

My bf is 17 and just graduated high school in June. He is going to college almost four hours away from our home town. I still have one year left of high school.

When I told my bf I was pregnant, he was upset. Neither one of us planned to have a baby. We spent most of Thursday night talking on the phone or texting. We discussed maybe having an abortion. Last night he came by after he was finished working and bursts into tears saying h didn't want me to have an abortion and that he would be here every way he could be for me and the baby.

He told his older cousin "Matt" who is in his 30s and Matt thought we should talk to our parents and not make any quick decisions we would regret.

I have a couple of question. How do I tell my parents I am pregnant? they will kill me once they find out. You hear so many times where the teenage dad leaves so how can I be sure that my bf will stick to his word and be with me? Also if anyone has any tips or advice on being a teen mom or having an abortion it would greatly appreciated.

View related questions: abortion, cousin, pregnancy test, text

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A female reader, WayeAshleigh Canada +, writes (3 September 2014):

WayeAshleigh is verified as being by the original poster of the question

So I told my parents tonight. I couldn't get the courage to tell my mom so I ended up going to my room and texting her. Se was a lot calmer then I excepted. She told my dad, he was upset. I thought he would want to kill Austin but instead he cried which wasn't at all what I excepted from him.

Austin and his cousin Matt, told his parents. His dad was pissed and yelled and his mom cried.

His parents supported the decision of us wanting to keep the baby but my mom isn't totally on the same page.

She thinks that I should have an abortion. That ended up making us get into a huge argument and I ended up coming to Austin's for the night.

I'm still really confused, I'm scared actually more then anything.

I reread all your opinions and I'm even more married now that Austin will leave. I'm nervous about the comments saying I would be high risk, why would I be considered high risk if I'm healthy? Someone said I wasn't ready for child birth and I'm not.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2014):

Ask your BF to marry you.

He will probably say he's not ready for that.

When he calms down, tell him that marriage is a much less difficult & permanent undertaking than raising a child.

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A female reader, Behavioural Analysis United Kingdom +, writes (31 August 2014):

Behavioural Analysis agony auntI'm sorry, but there's no way you're mature enough to raise a baby if you want to keep this quiet for as long as you can.

You HAVE to grow up *now* and tell your parents. Your boyfriend MAY be there for you, but that won't bring in enough money, so you need to tell your parents now so that they can help you but things or support you through an abortion or adoption.

Don't be any more irresponsible that you already have, please! Do it for your baby, if you're too scared to do it.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (31 August 2014):

mystiquek agony auntOP, this isn't a smart thing to do. You should tell your parents as soon as possible. The sooner the better. Now you are running away and trying to hide! The problem isn't going to go away, I know you realize this somewhere inside but you don't want to face things. YOU HAVE TO. I cannot advise you strongly enough to tell them NOW. Why don't you tell your families together if you aren't strong enough to do it alone?? Please do not wait..it won't help things at all. If you think this is scary, how are you going to handle child birth?? Its a reality darling...don't be foolish alright? Look at it this way, the longer you wait, the more upset your parents might become thinking you knew and were trying to hide it! They won't like that at all. You and your boyfriend were acting like grownups when you agreed to have sex, so now you have to be grownups to accept the consequences. I do certainly understand that you are afraid, but trust me, things will not just disappear because you fall asleep! Be brave..and tell them....NOW.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2014):

OP your first responsibility as a potential mother is to tell your parents, so do it now.

At your age pregnancy is a little extra risky and if you plan to carry this child to term you need to go get advice from your doctor as soon as possible and you need to set up your support network i.e. your parents.

Op they know you're sexually active, parents aren't stupid you know they know that two teenagers in a relationship will be having sex no matter how much you deny it.

They may be angry at first, it'll be a shock just as it was for you but you need their support and you need it soon. If you're old enough to get pregnant and be sexually active then you should be mature enough to face up to the consequences of that.

There is no guarantee your boyfriend will stick around, no one can tell you that and frankly it doesn't matter.

If you plan to keep this child then whether he will be around should not factor into your decision. I say that, OP, because an abortion has to be 100% your decision, if you do it just because others think you should then it may be too much for you. That said you need the advice of your parents, and his parents. You need that now because you're talking about them potentially becoming grandparents and you know as well as I do if you keep this kid then they'll do the majority of the work early on while you finish school.

So with all due respect grow up and woman up, tell them now and just say it straight out. You might be a mother in a few months, OP, there are a lot of scary times ahead and you need to stop trying to hide away from your responsibilities, no matter what their reaction they're your parents and they love you. Just be prepared for some shock and maybe anger initially but they will come around and calm down.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (31 August 2014):

First things first. You must tell your parents, because there are preparations to be made. They have to deal with it, whether it upsets them or not. It's a fact, and getting angry at you really serves no purpose, but an emotional reaction is unavoidable. You're just 16, so this changes a lot of things.

Matt was correct. Don't rush to any decisions; because at your age, you're not able to process drastic measures sometimes taken out of panic or fear of the reaction parents may have. Most of the time, parents are the ones who put you at ease and help you to make the best decisions. You can't face all this on your own.

You cannot rely on your boyfriend. He was irresponsible from the start; so worrying about whether he will be around will not make much difference. He can't really run from the responsibility. He may not necessarily always be with you, he may only be around for the baby. One of the hard parts for pregnant teen mothers to accept, is that the boy that fathered the baby may not want to always be their boyfriend. He is forced to stay only because he has a responsibility to contribute financially for the baby, and to help parent the child. He may not love you enough to want to be a husband, or even stay your boyfriend. So plan things around you and the baby, no matter what the outcome.

Fearing your parents reaction is just the initial shock of discovering you may be pregnant. Everything pops into your mind at the same time. The sooner you get that done, you will lower the anxiety about how they will respond. They will love you all the same. They are just going to become grandparents sooner than expected. They may be angry, and they have a right to be. They will be disappointed that you were not careful and didn't listen to all the warnings about having unprotected sex. That is unfortunately a parental right; that you yourself may find yourself facing and putting into practice someday. You lied to your parents. The results of your actions effect you more than anyone else. So face it with courage. It's not going to be as bad you created in your head. Guilt blows things up 100X worse than how things turn out in reality.

If you follow their guidance now, and make a plan, things can work out. Be brave and face the consequences. It is ultimately your decision what to do. Let no one pressure you into making a decision you don't feel you can live with.

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A female reader, WayeAshleigh Canada +, writes (31 August 2014):

WayeAshleigh is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I know I need to tell my parents and I do plan on doing it but after talking to my bf we have decided to wait until after school starts. I want to enjoy my first, last day of school and I don't want the added stress of my parents being upset with me.

I let my bf read all the responses written here and he still ensures me that he will be here for me and the baby and that I won't be doing it alone.

I'm still not sure how to tell my parents but I don't think I can go through with an abortion especially since I know how crushed my bf will be.

Last night after he got off work I went to his house and we talked and he really doesn't want me to have an abortion. I fell asleep, I swear it was the first time I slept since finding out and I feel a little less stressed out.

I really don't want people knowing just yet, I hope that I can keep it between us for as long as possible. I know how gossipy git,s ate school will be once they find out and a few years ago there was a girl in high school pregnant at my school and even some of the teachers were mean to her.

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A male reader, C. Grant Canada +, writes (31 August 2014):

C. Grant agony auntI have two daughters just a bit older than you. I sometimes wondered what I would think if one of them got pregnant at your age. From my perspective, the list of bad things is topped by: death, permanent injury, serious illness -- you get the idea. Teen pregnancy is unfortunate, not something anyone would encourage, but it's a long way from the end of the world. One way to approach it with your Mom is to get her thinking about what the worst possible thing that could be wrong. The fact that you don't have cancer, you're not facing prison time -- that might help put things in perspective.

I don't know if you can get an abortion without parental consent where you are -- if not, all three of your choices (abortion, adoption, parenting) involve telling your mother. The sooner you tell her, the sooner she can get over the shock and help you to start planning. You're thinking about keeping the baby -- there's no way that's happening without your parents' help and support. So you really have to tell them.

Your boyfriend has a right to input on the decision, but please, please don't choose to keep the baby based only on his assurance that he'll be around to help. It's so rare for a teenage boy to step up like that that it's hardly worth mentioning.

I know you want to wake up in the morning and find this was all a dream. All the wishing in the world won't fix this. I don't mean to be harsh, but you made an adult decision to have sex. It's an "adult" decision because sex can have life-altering consequences, and living with those consequences is what an adult has to do.

Good luck. You're in for a difficult time, but countless girls have been in your shoes before and come through just fine -- I'm sure you will too.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2014):

Whatever you choose will have long term emotional consequences & downsides. Don't make the decision trying to avoid that. Its only a question of which ones you choose.

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A female reader, WayeAshleigh Canada +, writes (31 August 2014):

WayeAshleigh is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I tried to tell my mom tonight but I couldn't. I just didn't know what to say and got so scared. I know she will be disappointed and angry. I denied so many times to her that I was even having sex.

I really don't know what I want. I don't think I could put the baby up for adoption. Austin, really doesn't want to have an abortion. He wants to keep the baby I know we have no idea how much our life will have to change but I think out of the three choices it might be the one I want. But I honestly have no idea what I want. I keep thinking if only I could go back to that night, he could have pulled out or we could have not had sex. I know its pointless thinking that now but that is where my mind keeps going.

His cousin Matt, has offered to be there when he tells his parents.

School starts in there days, its suppose to be my grad year. I ws looking forward to parties and prom and Austin is suppose to move next week and now he keeps saying he should stay here. Which is stupid because he needs to go to school. He wants me to go out with him after he gets off work, he wants to talk about keeping the baby and I don't want to. I want to go out with him and just forget about everything. I want to just la in his bed, watch a movie and shut my mind off but I know that want happen.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (31 August 2014):

mystiquek agony auntThere isn't any easy way to tell your parents. At your age they are going to be shocked/upset no matter what the setting is. The thing is though, you NEED them right now. You need their guidance and support. You shouldn't have to go through this alone. I don't want to be cruel but I wouldn't count on your boyfriend to be there. He might be, but the odds are not in your favor for things lasting.

What is it that you want? That's what you have to ask yourself. What can you handle? What can you live with? Will your parents support you once they get over the shock??

33 years ago I was in your situation. I was 19 though, and had a steady job. I was horrified. I wasn't ready for a baby or a marriage and I was sooooo confused and scared. My boyfriend was also 19 and he wanted to get married. We did the "right thing" at that time and got married. It was still a big no no for a girl to be pregnant and not married back then. The marriage lasted 2 years and he was very abusive. I had my parents and grandmother's support and raised the baby alone, went to college and eventually remarried and had a happy life for years.

I thought about abortion...I thought about it long and hard..and being raised as a Catholic..I just couldn't do it. I also couldn't carry a baby just to give it up for adoption. I don't regret the way things turned out, but it wasn't easy. I had alot of family support at first.

I feel for you sweetie..I really do. I know how confused you are. But please go to your parents...at least your mom if you are really afraid of how your dad might react. Your mom will probably have much more compassion and sympathy.

And let me tell you something..my mother was thrilled when she got over the shock. She was never angry at me..and once that baby came along...she was the proudest grandmother you ever seen.

I know you are younger than I was, but things can work out..no matter what you do. Please tell someone older that can help you ok? If you want to private message me, please feel free. I do know what you are going through. You hang in there ok?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2014):

I have a friend who got pregnant and she wanted to abort. Her boyfriend told her not to and she decided to keep the baby after that. On her 7th month the boyfriend left her because he had decided he did not want to be a father and it was too late for an abortion by then. She is miserable now.

My point is, just because he tells you he will stick around now, doesn't mean he will. A million things can happen in 9 months, he could move abroad, he could meet someone, or just decide he doesn't want a baby like it happened to my friend.

Think about what YOU want. Do you want this baby? (and think of yourself as a single mom when you do, it won't necessarily be the case but it is very likely). Think about all the things you will be give up if you do keep it.

About your family, sit your parents down and tell them... I really cannot think of a better idea. Whether you decide to keep the baby or abort, your family should know.

Best of luck

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A female reader, Behavioural Analysis United Kingdom +, writes (30 August 2014):

Behavioural Analysis agony auntYou can't be sure he will, that's why your family are your best support base.

You don't HAVE to abort if you don't want to because there's adoption, but it would be very difficult to carry a baby for 9 months and give it up.

There are great teen mums, but most of the dads aren't around or don't stay with the mothers. Occasionally it's the othe way doing and the dad takes custody, but great teen parents aren't very common because raising a baby is difficult for prepared adults in their 30s, let alone unprepared teenagers - so you just have to calmly blurt it out or write a note for your parents. Allow them to be angry, disappointed and devastated because it was reckless and you'll have to face that, but you'll need help from your family regardless of your choice.

After you've told your parents, ask your mum to go to the doctor with you to make sure everything is okay.

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A female reader, Intrigued3000 Canada + , writes (30 August 2014):

Intrigued3000 agony auntI think cousin Matt is right. You need to discuss this with your parents to help you make this important decision about whether you want to keep the baby or have an abortion. Ultimately, the decision is yours. It's your body. You have the right to choose what you think is right for you. That being said, I must warn you that having an abortion does have emotional side effects. I know many people, including a rape victim who had abortions, and they all felt immense guilt over losing a potential son / daughter, because they were afraid at the time. You have to make absolutely sure that you can live with the decision of an abortion afterwards. Now that being said, raising a child is tough, and being a single mom is very tough. You may have the support of your parents and your boyfriend, and this will make it easier for you. Your schedule, your priorities, your entire life is going to change. If you embrace the experience of motherhood, you are going to love it. There are so many plus sides to being a parent.

One of my friends had just started university with me 20+ years ago, and discovered that she was pregnant. I remember she came to us, her group of friends, to discuss the possibility of having an abortion, pros and cons. In the end she decided to have the baby. 20+ years later, her daughter is attending university, is a brilliant student, a star on the debate team and is attending a semester of university in Germany. Her parents are filled with so much pride. Her mom's life changed in that she pursued her studies part-time, which took a bit longer, but she was able to get her undergrad degree and a masters in due time. With all the schooling options these days (Part-time, online, etc.), it is achievable.

You can't make a man stay to shoulder the responsibility of a child. He has to want to stay, but you must ensure that he pays child support...this is if you decide to keep the baby. From your boyfriend's emotional plea to keep the baby, I'd say that's a good sign that he will stick around.

The most important thing you need to do is to address your fears surrounding this life change. Fear of what people will say. Fear about how it's going to affect your life. Fearing the possibility that you may not achieve your long term goals in time. Do a lot of research about abortions about schooling options, daycare, government assistance, support services for teen moms. you also need to talk to people or seek some kind of counselling support. The answer is inside you, buried somewhere. You just need to talk it out with loved ones and other support people to clear away the cobwebs of confusion and fears. Get the facts. Listen to other people's experiences, and then you will find that answer in you. Ultimately, it's your choice. I wish you all the best.

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