A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:How do I move on with my life and forget him? We are both married. We work for the same company but different buildings. We had been having an affair for 10 years. I am currently unemployed and have been for a year due to an on the job injury. Being off work curbed allot of our contact but he called at least 3 times a week and we would see each other at least once a week. Out of the blue he calls and says he has to end it. He couldn't handle the guilt any longer and told his wife. He didn't tell her everything. He just told her it happened once a few years ago. He said he couldn't talk or see me any longer and I wasn't to contact or see him. I am lost. I know it is wrong but I didn't want it to end this way. I don't miss the sex but I do miss the friendship that was created over those 10 years. I have no closure and now he is very rude and cold when we do see each other. I still have to go into work at least once a month. I haven't told my husband, nor do I intend to. I don't know how to let him go and move on with my life. I want to make my relationship with my husband work. Help!!
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female
reader, crazy0115 +, writes (1 November 2011):
 Hi, I know what your going thur. I ended a affair i had going for almost 5 yrs. I love him and I think I always will. We stopped talking but that nothing new since we always got back together but this time it is different. I sometimes hope he will contact me but I wish he wont. I feel this pain but I know it will get easier. Someone advice me that it takes one month for every year you where with that person. I have to say I got two more months left of this pain. I understand when you say you miss the friendship. That is what I miss the most about him also. Im here if you like to chat.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 October 2011):
 With all due respect to the posting aunts, if you want to have a discussion OFF TOPIC, take it off the board and use the private message service. Questions get closed for this type of debate, which is not helping the poster. Seems a pity to have the OP suffer because a couple of anons can't work up the courage to have an account.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): To the Male Anon who responded regarding my brothers affair: Thank YouI agree with you. I'm so glad that u understand.I've been the only one brave enough to confront my brother. He had this unrealisitc view of his mistress. I made him realise that she is a thief: she stole him from his kids. (I won't even go into his wifes situation) .this woman has my brother wrapped around her finger. My brother spends NO time with his kids. They have all the material possessions. However he doesn't help with homework, doesn't even sit as a family and have supper. He is a stranger to his kids. My bro runs to this woman every chance he gets. He uses his business interests as a front to hide his affair. I had the guts to show my brother the other side of his mistress and it worked. so much so that he will not leave. He knows that if she could do it with him she can do it elsewhere as well. Yes it was a "smear" campaign and it had the desired result. I did this for my niece and nephew. And guess what DC, I will do it again for these kids. They did not deserve this heartache. They did not deserve an absent father. They did not deserve a wayward father. Mistresses have no clue what they do to the innocent kids.LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): Love Girl,
If the mistress and your brother really ever wanted a chance at happily ever after, they should never have started an affair. They should have stayed away from each other because it was the right thing to do. If you really and truly love another person who is married, you will step away from them and give up your own happiness. If their marriage does not work, it will not work without you interfering or playing a part in it. And if it was meant to be, you will find each other again when you are both single and available. And only then can you can begin a real and honest relationship with each other based on trust and mutual respect. Whether after months or years, affairs only end in hurt and pain for all involved. If the parties involved did things honourably in the first place they would have had a better chance at a future together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): My brother is in his 10th year of his affair with his mistress. He is getting free p*ssy and the good wife. He's in his element. He has promised to break off with his mistress but she reels him in every time. He tries to stay away from her but she knows which buttons to press.
At one stage he considered leaving his wife and kids for her but he did not see the big picture. He has since told me that he is slowly distancing himself from her but he feels guilty. And she knows how to make him feel guilty.
Is this where you consider that things are all not black and white.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2011): I have to say that I agree with a female reader, anonymous in regard to LoveGirl's comments - I too have noticed that her responses seem to really want women to suffer and I too wonder what pleasure she gets out of making comments like this and whether it makes her feel superior in some way.I agree with a female reader, anonymous, that situations are never black and white and you can't turn a fallible human being into a saint overnight. Okay, you messed up, but almost everyone has in some way, shape or form. I'd take the advice of female reader, anonymous, to me that seems very realistic and sound.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2011): "I don't know how to let him go and move on with my life. I want to make my relationship with my husband work."You have to learn how to let him go, and understand why you did this to the other person (your husband).Probably not possible without counseling.The person who has the affair is usually the person who has the most trouble with contributing to the relationship, and a lot of your marital problems will be laid squarely at your door. But, before you start on a guilt trip, remember the question is "why".My wife had a brief affair, a few weeks or less, and then for 10 years struggled to live up to her marital responsibilities and floundered in the marriage. We eventually went to counseling, which came about because I finally had decided that I probably needed to leave (I didn't know about the affair).It took over six months of counseling, hard counseling, before she could understand even why she had had the affair. She's been in marital (with me) and individual (on her own) counseling for almost 2 years now...because of what came out of those early counseling sessions. The affair was only a marker for deeper issues...in the marriage...and in herself more importantly.Sometimes we just learn destructive ways of dealing with challenges in life, and unlearning those is difficult.If you want to make your marriage work, see a counselor.Also read the following books.http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Affair-Program-Together/dp/157230801Xhttp://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0060928174
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2011): Were you thinking of your husband at all in those 10 years? You chose to start the affair, you chose to let it last this long, you chose to take the chance of developing feelings for each other and you chose to forget your husband in all of this. There's only one out of an affair, and it isn't the couple leaving their spouses and running off together in wedded bliss...I'm sorry.You've chosen this life for yourself, and now you have to deal with the consequences of it. If you want to save your marriage, I would start with telling your husband the truth. But from this post, you haven't given him much thought before, so it may be better to consider the alternative.Best of luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2011): Hello OP.
I am truly sorry you are going through this and my heart goes out to you. Love Girl is always quite harsh in her comments. If you read any of her posts, it is clear that she is against affairs. Point taken. However, it is not all black and white, morally right or wrong. We are human beings and we have feelings and we make mistakes. Nobody should hang you for this or judge you until and only if they have walked in your shoes and feel what you are feeling. I suspect that if others experienced the agony, heartbreak and depression you are experiencing right now, they would be a lot less critical. What you need right now is empathy and a shoulder to lean on, not judgement.
Yes, his wife and your husband are the victims but in order for this affair to have taken place, his wife and your husband had to have played a part. Obviously there was a breakdown in both of your marriages for whatever reasons. Clearly neither of you was happy in your marriages or this would not have happened. I truly believe that in order for an affair to begin and continue, the primary relationship has to have been lacking. Perhaps both affair partners will eventually realize that an affair is not the answer. Unfortunately yours went on for a long time and in that time you have fallen in love with a married man, a man who was never available, a man who would never be yours. But there was always hope that he would be. As women, we tend to get much more emotionally involved but the men seem to be able to get over it easier and make a clean break. It is us women who are left suffering and holding onto what has been lost.
I am one of those people who knows how you are feeling because I am walking in your shoes right now. Only I had an emotional affair and when he realized that I truly cared for him and wanted more from our relationship, he disappeared from my life, no explanations and not even giving me a second thought. He chose his marriage and his children. I am now left with a marriage I no longer want to be in but I am staying for my children. The loss of this man in my life has been devastating to me. Most days I am on auto pilot. I just go on but I can't tell you how hard this is. It seems like I don't care about anything anymore. I have lost my self and I feel so defeated. What helps me cope is talking to a therapist. Please find yourself one. My therapist is a God send. Talking about it and taking the burden off of yourself is key to helping you heal. Is there anyone you can trust in your family or do you have a good friend you can reach out to? You will need that support to get through it. Please do not isolate yourself. It will only make it worse. Right now I am in isolation mode. I have a good support network but I am still so devastated that I am not ready to face the world just yet. I still cannot believe that he blew me off like I was garbage. It's like all of a sudden he just turned off his heart and that was it. I am having a hard time coping with the fact that he walked away so easily, without any feeling for me or even thinking about how he would have devastated me. Not even the decency to tell me.
I want him to feel upset, guilty, anything at all. I want him to be missing me and wonder to himself if he did the right thing letting me go. But we aren't living in a fairytale world. This is cold hard reality.
I believe you are a victim. A victim of this man's lies and deceit. He probably told you he loved you and the fact he continued this relationship with you all these years gave you hope that you would one day be together. He led you on. He reeled you in and he used you. Then he let you go like a spineless, gutless slime with no balls. Men might be able to separate easier because it's sex on the side. But a woman becomes emotionally involved and bonded with the man. This is not sex on the side for her. It is a friendship and a relationship. The woman misses that bond and losing that strong emotional connection is absolutely devastating. Just because you were in an affair does not mean you are not heart broken and experiencing a great loss in your life.
Unfortunately, there is not a lot you can do. He has made his choice. I can say with certainty that I learned my lesson. I was vulnerable because I was in an unhappy marriage and he knew this. I was thinking this other man was the answer but it turns out he wasn't. And now I am left picking up all of the pieces. We just have to get through one day at a time and hopefully in time he will not be on your mind anymore and the pain will no longer be crippling. I think that if you still have feelings for your husband and invest in your marriage by doing things together and reconnecting with him that maybe this will help you forget this other man.
I believe your MM would not be the type to ever trust had you ever had a relationship together. You would always worry if he was cheating on you. If you really think about the character of this person (or lack of) and what kind of a man hurts his wife and family as well as you, it will make it easier to move on. He is a selfish, uncaring and self serving individual. When the chips were down, he bailed. Unfortunately, if he truly loved you, he would not have done this to you. It would have killed him to have left you and hurt you this way. But clearly he was able to cut you out and move on. The deep feelings you have were not shared by him. And this was my predicament. Also, he will repeat this behaviour. He says he is going back to his wife but out of what? Obligation? Guilt? Children? Does he really love her? I don't think so. A man who really loves his wife does not have affairs with other women. End of story. But that is not your problem anymore. It is his.
I have told my husband about it and he is having a hard time dealing with it but he has forgiven me. If I don't figure out what I want, I fear that this could happen again to me down the road. It shows me that there are red flags in our current relationship that have to be dealt with if it is going to survive. Otherwise, it may be time to move on. You will have to decide if you want to work on your marriage or if it's time to move on. Because if the issues that led you to this affair aren't resolved, you may seek out another man again in the future to meet your needs.
I hope I helped you in some way. I feel your pain. I am completely devastated. I am making sure I am having no contact with him anymore. This is absolutely the only way to move on. You have to do this for yourself. Treat yourself right. Be your own best friend and don't be hard on yourself. We all make mistakes when we lead with our hearts. But would life be worth living if we did not listen our hearts?
Take good care of yourself. xxx
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (19 October 2011):
 If you really want your marriage to work then you have no choice but to let him go and move on with your life. I totally agree with LoveGirl, remember you are NOT the victim here so suck it up and put one foot in front of the other.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 October 2011):
 Ten years is a long time. So how do you heal? You just walk one day at a time and focus on fixing your marriage if that's what you want. You respect his wishes and do not contact him.
What he told her is of no consequence to you. It's between him and his wife. Just like what you choose to tell your husband is between the two of you.
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A
male
reader, yum yum  +, writes (19 October 2011):
 Time will make you get over this affair you had. In the meantime You need to try and turn the page and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2011): Closure for what? This MM made his choice. At least he suddenly developed a conscience.
If u want to make your marriage work then put aside all your thoughts and focus, really focus on your hb.
Unfortunately you are not a victim here, his wife and your hb are, so there's no easy way to say this: your 10 years are over. Finally.
LoveGirl
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