A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This year, I told myself and God that I am going to get married. I don't have a boyfriend yet but just dating. I went to Dublin to see my ex December and even though the long distance is still an issue we are still very hopeful.Then when I came back I started receiving emails from a guy in Africa. I ignored the first couple of emails and then I finally responded. He introduced himself as a family friend and that he got my number from his aunt who is a friend of the family. I checked with my parents and found out this was some kind of match making.I really don't like hook ups so I ignored him a little bit more than whala the day he called me, I really liked our conversation and we talked for hours. I was honest with him and told him I have been in two long distance and I am not interested in starting another one.He told me he was willing to relocate unlike my exes and he will make the first move to make his way to the State in the next few months to see him.Then two weeks in, he is already professing his love. I thought that was weired. Three wees later he is asking me about a wedding ring. I just think everything is moving too fast then one night I told him I don't think I will get in any relationship with him without knowing him more or seeing him.This is one stubborn guy that is just so aggressive. He refers to me as his boo and baby. I just want him to stop but know how especially because just last week he lost his dad.I must admit I was enjoying the attention before but now I am not but I still want him around. How do I handle this situation? I don't wwant to hurt him or lose him if he ends up being my husband who knows but right now I am just not feeling how quick and easy it seems things are going. I need a challenge (weird I sound like a man) but its true. My first boyfriend was just like this and I despised him but craved the attention off and on for 8yrs and look at where we are NO Where. I don't want to repeat the same thing so what should I do?
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long distance, my ex, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 February 2014):
 I f he wants to come and visit and see you and meet to see if you even fit together IRL then I would let him. BUT the cost is on him and since it’s HIS choice you have no need to feel guilty.
Let him know that it’s just a “meet and GREET” there are no promises. There will be NO alone time and no sex or any other intimate behavior. Make NO PROMISES other than to meet him and see if you want to attempt to continue….
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 February 2014):
 Then tell Mr. Africa that it's moving WAY to fast for you. IT IS OK to tell a guy that.
And being upfront with a guy telling him you are talking to/dating more then one guy is the right thing to do. Don't act like a kid in the candy store. If they don't want to date a woman who is dating several men, that is THEIR choice and again, it's OK.
Have you tried to talk with him through Skype? That way you can see his face and body language?
My question to you is this, why consider a guy SO far away? Why not someone in your home town? That way you won't have the problems you did with Mr. Dublin. I know it can feel like whirlwind romance when it's the whole LDR, but they RARELY work out.
And may be YOU need to decide what you want in a man. If you don't want a guy to AGGRESSIVELY pursue you, YOU then set the pace or.... pick another man.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (24 February 2014):
 Yes, tell the African man that he is moving too fast for your comfort, and let him know that you're dating and getting to know other people. That way he can decide for himself whether or not to spend money visiting you, and you won't feel like a player.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAll are good advice. I will hate to know this one is after papers though. He's asking me to write an invitation letter only. He wants to come and see me. I wonder if I should tell him this is too fast. What if he comes around and I don't like what I see then he just wasted time and money saved to come see me in the states.
I agree with not pressing myself to be married this year and focusing on a full life. That's exactly what I've been doing and I've been attracting a lot of guys which is becoming overwhelming. And all are looking fir serious relationship and think I'll make a good wife. Too many options but little interest in choosing one. All are moving too fast even the ones here. It's making me feel like a player. And I'm just not trying to hurt no one.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 February 2014):
How do you tell a guy he is being a little to "Aggressive" in his approach to you?
YOU TELL THEM.
Next time Mr. Africa tells you he LOVES you, tell him it's a nice compliment but that he doesn't know you well enough to use the word love. And that you would LIKE to know him better without feeling like he is RUSHING to relationships by calling you babe/baby.
If you think a guy will run away because you stand up for yourself, then do you really he think is for you?
I don't think you will, you BELIEVE what you hear. And you LIKE to feel love (who doesn't?)Just remember, ACTIONS speaks louder them words? SO if you tell a guy, SLOW down- you are moving to fast for me, and he doesn't, then do you still think he cares?
As for your Dublin guy. You are at an impasse. It's shit or get of the pot moment, but neither if you will do that.. Again... ACTIONS speaks louder then words.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2014): Boundaries mean you don't let anther person treat you in a way you don't like. It means keep this person on a certain distance.
I think the African dude wants to come live in States. We c'e got to be carefull, American girls. Tought the whole world criticizes out country, everyone want to live here. And do whatever to get this chance. I travel the world, meet lots of guys, and half of them are very excited about me only based on a fact that I am an American citizen.
I recognize it right away, and stop any communication as I don't want to be a sourse of green card.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your comments. To clarify I want to marry this year. is just me being positive. I feel it in my guts that I will meet or know my soul mate this year, doesn't mean I will rush. My Dublin guy is an ex not for no other reason but distance. We love each other but both are established and no one wants to move but feelings never went away. Just hoping oneperson will compromise. African guy based on all my research and findings is from a wealthy family, studied overseas in the UK and got a good job plus managing family business. He is not coming here for anything but me but I'm sure he won't mind a change of life.Let's not even talk about him only, I have two others locally.One who I'm going on a date with tonight who is coming at me like the African dude now you mean to tell me this one wants green card too? I pose this question because it's becoming a pattern for me meeting these aggressive guys. I do believe them too. I've not slept with them and they all seem to have good jobs so why can't they just slow down with me. Should I let them know i'm dating other people?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2014): Next time you speak to him, tell him you want to move to his country because you want a change of scenery. Tell him you're sick of America and ask him if he'll help you get a job in his country. If he frieks out and focuses on himself moving to you and living in the states, then you have your answer. What does the word love mean to you?If someone you've spoken to for less than 334 hours in total ( I'm estimating 2 weeks if we include every minute you've spent talking on the phone or texting) and all you know about him is what he has decided to tell you, do you think you really know him? Do you think you can love someone you don't know?Another thing, I'm African living in the west so don't take this as racist or whatever. From personal experience, I know that there is a lot of unprotected sex despite an HIV epidemic. I wouldn't start a relationship with someone I cannot verify their sexual health before investing a lot of time and money in the relationship. Finally, calm down about the marriage thing. With a divorce rate of 50% you can see that marriage us not the be all and end all in life. Focus on living a full life and expand your circles to meet someone special. Only then can you set a marriage deadline. If you Wed for the sake of ticking a box you'll probably regret it or settle for someone you're miserable with.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (21 February 2014):
I don't think "I will get married this year" is a good New Years resolution at all. It puts you under pressure to marry someone who may be totally unsuitable without getting the chance to really know him beforehand.
Mr Dublin doesn't sound suitable because of the long distance, plus he's an ex so presumably your had your differences, plus if you serious about him you wouldn't be entertaining marrying someone else.
Mr Africa sounds entirely unsuitable. I question his motives (I'm also suspicious that he may be using you to try and get a green card). Of course he doesn't love you, he knows you are desperate to settle down and he's exploiting that. Yes it's very, very sad that his father has died, but as an acquaintance of a few months it really isn't your responsibility to help him through this. He has family and friends for that.
Then on to your first boyfriend. It sounds like a toxic relationship that you haven't really processed yet, and I suggest speaking to a professional (therapist) to help you understand that relationship and your urgent desire to get married.
Good luck OP, be very careful with the African man, don't let him scam you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2014): I'm sorry to be so blunt but this guy SO obviously wants a green card and you, with your decision to marry THIS YEAR without even having met anyone to marry are the perfect host for his parasitical ways. Of course we would ALL enjoy someone calling us and basically telling us we are amazing and making us feel like we'd found our soul mate. Manipulative people are HIGHLY skilled in making people feel that they have found the one and only person that really 'gets' them. Then they move in for the kill.How on earth do your parents know this person and what on earth are they playing at letting him treat you like this - a complete doormat to be used only for his needs.I urge you to cease all contact with this person and realise that you have made yourself very vulnerable by craving and enjoying attention from someone like this. Go slow in future, with someone that you can visibly see right in front of you.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (21 February 2014):
Cut off contact with this guy, end of story! And I have to tell you, if you're bound and determined to get married this year, you're going to end up with a substandard partner and miserable. Please, promise yourself "and God" that you wont jump into marriage until you find the right partner, that will love you and treat you right for life, and that you can do the same to. I'm sure God would be much happier hearing that from you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat boundaries can I set? Tell him how I want to be loved or how he should communicate? I'm not really sure what you mean. If a guy doesn't give attention we complain if he does we complain. I'm just trying to gain a better understanding of dealing with this kind of moving too fast gesture without coming off as bitchy.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (21 February 2014):
 What's the reason for your decision to marry come Hell or high water? And it sounds like any Tom, Dick, or Harry will do, even some unknown nutcase from Africa. What's the reason for your hurry?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 February 2014):
You don't think all the out of the blue contact and profession of love has to do with a green card more then actual love?
As much as you two have talked on the phone and through e-mails you don't really know the guy.
Now you say he is a friend of the family? In which way? And how well do THEY know him?
2 weeks in is WAY too soon to say "I love you" WAY too soon. But here his the deal, he KNOWS what to say to get you weak-kneed and even if your head tells you that it's too soon and a little off, you are STILL in contact, aren't you?
What's next, he is going to ask you for some money for the ticket. Or to STAY at your house when he visits.
You are even making FULL on excuses why it's OK that he is moving so fast. His Dad died. Well, sorry, honey but that doesn't give him the right to cross your boundaries if you have SET any. IF you haven't then I suggest you start.
My thought is you won't really take advice or warning given. You ARE lapping up all this attention. Because you have decided you want to MARRY this year.
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