A
male
age
41-50,
*ruce lee
writes: I had a vasectomy years ago, and to be honest, I'm quite happy with the decision. I definetely don't want to have kids EVER. But how do I explain this to a woman if I ever find one. Will she hate me? Will she immediately leave? How should I break the news to her? Should I just tell her straight away as soon as we seem to be forming a relationship? Or should I wait till the subject of having kids comes up? Is this a meaningless question? Thanks in advance for your time. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, bruce lee +, writes (4 May 2010):
bruce lee is verified as being by the original poster of the question The main reason I don't wish to have kids is based on a promise I made to myself when I was young. That if I didn't find a girlfriend within a certain time period, I had been treated unfairly by God. So maybe it is for my own selfish reasons. I did not get what I wanted out of life. I wanted a girlfriend but that was too much to ask. So I went to the GP and the Urologist, and I lied to both of them. I said that I was in a relationship or had been in a relationship, and I didn't want kids. I also can't be bothered looking after a child, and I wouldn't be able to anyway even if I wanted. I have Asperger Syndrome. My parents are not happy my decision but life goes on. And the truth hurts. And we can't always make decisions to please our parents. Can we? But thanks to all of you for your support.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2010): why dont u wanna have kids?
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee  +, writes (3 May 2010):
 I'm the female aspect of this. I never wanted children. EVER. I've always been upfront, honest and to the point about that fact. I say be honest and straight up about it. Whatever her reaction, you won't be held responsible for misleading her or perpetuating deceit for selfish motives. Tell her straight up! There is no law stating that one is obligated to reproduce. I suppose there are religious beliefs like that but are they your own? BE HONEST.
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A
male
reader, bruce lee +, writes (3 May 2010):
bruce lee is verified as being by the original poster of the question Yeah, I know I should tell her as soon as possible to let her know where she stands. And the anonymous female reader seems to have hit the nail on the head. I must just TELL HER.
Life goes on, and the truth comes out eventually. And the truth hurts.
I understand that some women will immediately leave the relationship because they won't give up their wish to have kids, no matter how much they love the guy. But that's the truth.
Thanks for your answers. God bless all of you.
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A
male
reader, unwind +, writes (3 May 2010):
yeah, I think you should definitely tell them. If someone really wants kids, she should know sooner rather than later. I wouldn't bring it up on a first date, obviously, but think about this from her perspective. I would bring it up if a relationship seems to be forming. Most people want kids, and that is the reality. It's not something you can compromise.
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A
female
reader, Midge  +, writes (3 May 2010):
 Pretty much every woman dreams of having kids, but there are those that are more career orientated and they sometimes choose to have a career rather than kids. Thats is generalizing however!
You made a decision that you will have to live with, and you seem pretty happy with that decision. There are many men that arent able to have kids due to illness or through their own choice and they seem to be fine in life. They are happy enough with their partners.
Being your age just now, I can say that I think about having kids someday, and so can only think that other woman do too. Its not the fact that you have made this decision, but one that you may struggle to find someone compatible with your decision. Its like you have taken the choice factor out of any possible relationship and a lot of woman wouldnt be very happy with that, and would want kids.
This is something that you would need to tell a possible partner pretty early on so that if they did feel otherwise, you are giving them to chance to walk away. I know that sounds terrible, but its natural for woman to want kids. As far as how you broach the subject, I would try and slip it into any conversation that you were having. Like, if she started talking about a newspaper article about kids, try and slip it in that, yeah, I dont want kids. Not as blunt as that, you will need to be really careful, but just slip it in at the earliest convenience. If she says that, thats a bit of a shame, and just gets on with the date, well, you know that you may be onto something. She may be one of the few that isnt really bothered about kids, and you're onto a possible winner.
I hope that helps!
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (3 May 2010):
 It's a tough one. But there are plenty of women who also don't like the idea of having kids for whatever reason, e.g. their career is more important, pregnancy could be dangerous to their health, they can't afford it etc. I think it's something you should mention on a first date, because you don't want to end up falling for someone who really wants kids and then having a difficult break-up because of your disagreement.However, do remember that you still could change your mind. Vasectomies can often be undone. Have a long hard think about why it is that you don't want kids before plunging into a relationship with a woman who point blanc refuses to become a Mum =]
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2010): Please, please tell her a soon as possible. Most women would someday like to have children and it would be terribly unfair if you were to start a relationship only to tell them a year later (when they have formed an attachment to you) that you do not want children. Be upfront, and during the 'get to know each other' phase just mention that you don't want to have children. It doesn't matter where you tell them or how, justTEL them. They well appreciate you more for it. Lots of women want children, so there is a chance that most of them might leave when they learn that you do not want any. However, that said there are a few women like myself who have decided to NOT have children. So there are people like yourself out there.
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A
male
reader, Kenj +, writes (3 May 2010):
 It is a meaningless question, it may come of a supprise to you but not all woman want kids either.If any woman was just with you just to get kids from you then it is not really going to work out anyway.If you really must tell them, dont wait too long but dont do it on the first date either unless she asks. Let her get to know you a little first.
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A
female
reader, hpoco  +, writes (3 May 2010):
 Its an extremely significant question! I think its best to be as honest about kids as you can be, right from the beginning. You could be lucky enough to find a woman who genuinely doesn't want children either (they are out there, I know at least three). Hopefully while you are forming a sexual relationship, at some point you will discuss birth-control. That is a great opportunity to let her know you had a vasectomy and you don't want kids. But, if it comes up before then, don't hide the fact at all. Some women may reject you because of it, you should be prepared for that. But, not all will. Its an incredibly cruel thing to lie about though, or forget to mention. As I am sure you know, some women REALLY want kids, and believe that any relationship they are in should come with a built-in guarantee for eventual reproduction. These are not women you want, things will end badly. So, weed them out early! Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2010): i cant say i had what you had done to yourself but you shouldnt feel less of man or person because u made a choise in protecting yourself. nothing wrong tell the truth just make sure it at a good timing and what subject your on.
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