A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am in a poly relationship with two men and have been for nearly a year now. Everything is great although we keep it quite hush hush as we want to live our lives in peace. We all live together so we just say that one of the guys is our roommate. Nobody has questioned this. My sister came over to visit last weekend and saw "the roommate" putting his arms round me in the kitchen while I was making food. She waited til he left the room and asked what was that about and am I cheating on my bf. I just brushed it off and said no he's always like that and does it Infront of my bf who has no issue. She dropped it as we were about to have dinner but since then she is constantly bringing up that she thinks the roommates behaviour is strange and inappropriate and that he should find his own place and that it's strange to live with a couple. I have tried defending it but it just makes it sound more and more weird. I'm wondering if I should just say something as it's been tiring keeping the secret and "the roommate" excuse is getting old because we are all very comfortably happy in our relationship and "the roommate" would like some sort of recognition in the relationship. I'm just scared of how my sister and other people will react. It wasn't something I was looking for but I started seeing my bf moved in with him and his friend moved in supposedly temporarily and it all just happened naturally. We're all involved with eachother so there is no jealousy. I don't know how to explain it to friends and family as it's not some usual. But it works for us.
View related questions:
jealous, moved in, roommate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (1 February 2020):
 I live with the attitude that its my life and if I am happy and not hurting anyone, then its really no one else's business. You don't have to tell anyone anything if you don't want to, need to or feel comfortable. IF you choose to tell people, chose carefully. Many will judge you. They don't have the right but they will and that's just the way it is. You have been given excellent advice by the aunts on here. Do what is best for you. Those that truly love you may be confused at first but if they value your happiness, they will come around. Anyone else? Who gives a flying frig?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2020): Why is it anybody's business, but yours? It's pretty tough maintaining privacy in a monogamous-relationship in today's judgmental, overly-inquisitive, and hypocritical society!
Your alternative-lifestyle choice will not have drama or intrusion from outsiders, unless you invite them in!
Being gay, all my gay-friends insisted it was necessary that I shout from the rooftops and climb the highest mountain peak to proclaim and declare to the whole wide-world I'm gay!!! Why?
Exactly who's business is it??? Not everybody wants to know, and not everybody is going to treat me with the respect and kindness I deserve; based on their self-righteous prejudices, and unjust hatred. So only a select few on a "need-to-know-basis" are told! They're fine with it, and I'm at peace. Heterosexuals don't have to make a public announcement "I'm straight!" I hide nothing from my immediate-family. They love me unconditionally! My closest heterosexual-friends and their kids know. God knows, and that's enough. Love surrounds me! If you love-em, trust-em, then tell-em!
Everything we do doesn't have to be exposed to public-scrutiny.
Long after your polygamous-relationship is over, there remains the stigma people will tag to your reputation; only to throw it up in your face, or in a vindictive attempt to sabotage your future-relationships. There is one difficult and necessary exception. You must inform anyone you intend to start a new committed-relationship with; before anyone-else does it for you. They need to know.
There is a downside to sharing. You'll become defensive, sometimes ashamed, and paranoid. Share only with those you normally confide in. Expect to receive shock, disappointed faces, and even disgust. It's a natural and human-response from people who are more traditional and moral in their thoughts and beliefs. They will still love you, but they don't have to accept your lifestyle. You have to respect that, and not hold it against them. If you share it, prepare emotionally for the consequences.
I feel free, and I know my rights. I can share it with whomever I please. If I kick the closet door wide-open, or just crack it a little-bit...it's my prerogative! If you wish to share the tea with a few friends, so be it. Beware the shady bunch who hear and tell!
Don't make up excuses! Dismiss questions about your private-life that isn't privy to every Tom, Dick, and Harry; or Lottie, Dottie, and everybody!!! Social media has replaced the neighborhood busy-body, and places your life on blast and broadcast around the world! If you love your privacy and peace, and you're all living in domestic-harmony. Then preserve it while it lasts.
Tell only progressive-thinking family-members, and only close-friends you trust.
My favorite answer to nosy-Rosies is "none-yah!" Let everybody else speculate and put two and two together. To the rest...NONE-YAH!!!
If you have to feel deeply ashamed; or feel you need to hide something you know deep-down to be wrong; then don't do it. Some things we do are only experimental, or a phase. They don't have to follow us for the rest of our lives through stigma or gossip passed-on through loose-tongues.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (31 January 2020):
 Time to rip that band aid off. There is nothing much to explain IMHO. Point them to the internet and hit GOOGLE as far as the 'what are polygamous relationships' line of questioning. However the who, where why and what is the one I guess your most fearful. If thats the case, why? The intimate relationships we choose to involve our selves need no explaining or acceptance from anyone other than it works for you and you are happy with that lifestyle choice. What should be remembered is any negativity shown by outsiders or family for things that don't fall within their personal belief or moral view point is a failure on there behalf to be apart of the 'relationship' with you be it with a friend, family or other. It may not be for them and thats fine. If you do get push back rather that explain, explain, explain perhaps just ask why it is affecting them so much and why they feel thats ok?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 January 2020):
 I agree with your sister.
IF he was only a room-mate it WOULD be pretty inappropriate of the room-mate AND you.
Be an honest person. If people/family don't get it, that is on them. Don't make yourself a liar to hide what you are doing if you feel you are doing nothing wrong.
BUT do accept if they find it strange or off-putting. OR if they just don't know what to do with that information.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (30 January 2020):
 Why can’t you just be honest about it? What’s the reason to hide it? If you’re in the relationship at least be proud of it.
Who cares what outsiders think? They aren’t part of the relationship so why does their opinion matter?
...............................
|
