A
female
age
36-40,
*ruthplease
writes:My 2 year relationship just ended by the guy ghosting me. We went bowling for our 2 year anniversary had a good time and we got into a fight that night when we got back home over the status of our relationship. We have been on and off for 2 years and he is unable to fully commit. He says that we should just enjoy our relationship and not overthink it. For the past 2 years it's been rough for me because I have been developing feelings and he seems to just be ok with a stagnant relationship. I started tearing up and told him "it's just that I really love you, and this is hard for me not to know what is going on" and he said "all I can offer you is what I am giving you now and you are frustrating me with having these talks" So I calmed down because I knew that if I pushed him any further he would get pissed off and the whole night would be ruined. I wiped my tears tried to put a good mood on again and he seemed ok. Before bed he wanted to have sex and I said "let's apologize to eachother before we do it" and he said "no there is no need to do that it's fine" so we continued. The next day I left when he was sleeping and I was going to San Diego that weekend. I didn't hear from him and we normally talk once a week. I sent him a text with a picture of something that reminded me of him and I saw his answer was cold, and he didn't ask when I was coming back which he usually does. The next week was my birthday and I still hadn't heard from him, on my birthday (after 2 weeks of not hearing from him) he sent me an instagram DM in response to my story "Happy Birthday, wish you the best in 2020" That's it. It has been almost 1 month that I have not heard from him. After 2 years of going out and this SAME EXACT thing happened last year he broke up with me by ghosting me and after 2 months came back and said he missed me. At that time I took him back and I had told him please don't break up with me by ghosting me and he said ok it's the way I do it but if you don't like it next time I won't. I feel so dumb for falling for it again. How should I handle this? I feel sad, but I don't know if I should be angry or sad? Do I delete him from my life now or text him how mad and upset I am?
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 January 2020):
 Awww OP
Didn't the FIRST time he did this to you TEACH you anything?
The guy is WASTING your time. He has been WASTING it for 2 years!
He can't even DUMP you! No, he chooses the cowards way out and just "ghosts" you.
CUT ALL contact with this guy. REMOVE, and BLOCK him from ALL access to you and your social media etc.
Consider what he did as HIM breaking up with you. And IF/WHEN he shows up because he "missed" you... DO NOT take him back.
OP, PEOPLE know after 2 years if they WANT a future with someone or not. You thought you wanted that. HE...? didn't he just wanted someone to shag, give him companionship and call/text. But HE didn't WANT to commit. WHAT does that tell you? That he didn't WANT to be with you IN a real relationship. He wanted something he could leave at a drop of a hat. Something HE didn't have to invest TOO much into, emotionally, personally.
Wake up OP and smell the coffee.
Stop pretending that HE is the one for you.
You might be thinking WHY is he doing this to me?! The answer is simple... BECAUSE you ALLOW it.
You can WASTE your life on a man who is not 100% in OR you can move on and look for someone who WANTS to be 100% invested in a relationship WITH you.
IDGAF if he has "commitment issues" - he OBVIOUSLY hasn't been working on them... has he?
Want MORE for yourself.
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (30 January 2020):
 I wouldn’t call what you guys had ‘going out’. By the sounds of things, you didn’t know where you stood. Is that really the basis of a solid relationship?
It sounds like you hung out every now and again and slept together. Sounds more like fuck buddies to me.
If anything you should be counting your blessings that this is over. He’s a complete waste of time and you know it. You told him you love him and then he told you that you frustrate him by asking where you stand. Come on, get real here. How can you think this is a relationship? He strings you along for sex and you fall for it hook, line and sinker. My guess is he got back in touch because his other options dried up!
You can do better, stop letting him mess you around. Block him and find someone who respects you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2020): Here's the deal. There are some guys who will discuss the future and status of a relationship; and there are others who hate the "relationship-talk" with a passion. You've got the latter. They avoid the conversation, because they fear you're hinting at a marriage-proposal; or think it's an opening for an argument, because of something he did. If you frequently whine and complain; this may mean he has had enough of it!
It's sad that a lot of women don't know what real masculinity and a good-man is. They think that a visibly exaggerated-image of a tough-guy with a lot of machismo is a manly-man. If you can't bring-out his tenderness, that's all he is. Nature gave heterosexual-women something that brings-out the best in her heterosexual male-mate. They compliment and supplement each other as pair. Same-sex individuals operate on a different chemistry; but emotionally, females still have that special-something we men don't. It's scientifically proven a woman's tears can actually lower a man's testosterone level, and thereby decrease his aggression! Google it! I'm not making it up! It doesn't always work, we also know when we're being manipulated! Nature always evens the score!
You have a right to know whether the relationship is going anywhere; and whether it's serious, or just casual. If he insists on keeping you in the dark after two years; you're the one insisting on hanging onto him. Trying to squeeze honey out of lemon!
A lot of guys just like puttering along in a long-term nondescript-relationship; and they are content with contributing as little to it as possible. Although they have a long-list of expectations. Sex must be available on-demand, their woman knowing how to cook is a plus, give an occasion bj, his mother has to like you; and he can depend on you to do all sorts of "wifely-like" things. If you live together, your wifely-responsibilities are to cook, decorate, do laundry, grocery-shop, and clean. You must never get fat, get wrinkles, talk-back, or attempt to discuss the relationship. Talk of marriage is taboo. Bad-boys are what women flock after. They think they can magically transform them with love. Nuh-uh! If that were true; there'd be no DC, no divorce, and no such thing as a breakup!
Although you may share household-duties, you'd do the bulk of the domestic-chores. That's fine, it creates domestic-harmony. Just because you do wifely-things; don't forget he's not your husband!!! Don't expect a boyfriend to behave like a husband. It just ain't gonna happen! Some will, but then again; he's not a husband until you take vows before someone vested with the power to bond a couple in marriage. Ladies take notes!
You explained this is an on-again/off-again relationship, spread-out over the span of two-years. That often means you beg him to comeback, you grovel and submit to whatever conditions and terms he offers. Neither of you change, or stop doing what pisses the other off! Meanwhile, you're whining and feeling helpless. You can't tell whether he cares or not; because he doesn't show any signs of being happy being with you. If it's on and off; there is an element of unresolved-issues and consistent incompatibility that you refuse to see.
He beats you down with a mild form or narcissism; by ignoring you, going silent, and showing you indifference. You are always pleading for acknowledgement; probably like you did as a little girl. One of your parents was distant. Let me guess...your dad? Likely because of divorce, or he was not the tender loving-father you wish you had. Now you have a boyfriend just like him.
I'm speculating and speaking in generalities; but this is often the case. I read these posts carefully; and I also read between the lines. The sad details often jump off the screen!
Here's the mistake that a lot of women make that brings them here to DC. They are insecure and uncertain about whether their guy loves them or not. They are never sure, because they always commit to men who are indifferent, excessively-macho, and unfeeling. While they're clingy, needy, and overemotional. Ladies, what kind of mix is that? Those overwhelmed by their insecurities and trust issues won't believe him when he tells them a thousand times; even when he has consistently demonstrated so in everything he does. She's still stuck on what Mr. X,Y, or Z did to her in the past!!!
Does it ever seem you're always placing yourself in the position of constantly demanding reassurance and validation? The hurtful part is that you'll never get it, because he's not that kind of guy. You thought you could remold him into the kind of guy you wanted; by using love, manipulation, and nagging. You've ignored all the red-flags; and maybe you were too easily taken by his charms when you first met. If his most appealing traits aren't consistent, they were fake. If they were too good to be true, you got fooled...it was all a put-on! If you cannot find consistency in kindness, generosity, understanding, and respect in a man towards you. You picked the wrong-guy, sister! "But I love him!" That's what they always say! What's the use, if he's not loving you back???
If he ghosted you, let this be the final-time. Go no-contact, for good this time! Delete, block, snatch back your dignity, let-go, and move on! You're pushing 40, and wasting your precious time.
It takes time and patience to find your best match. Few are patient. Meanwhile, you work on your faults and weaknesses; and make the best of your life. You maintain hope, and you pray to our merciful God; that you find the one He meant to be with you. Trust me, they show-up when you least expect it to happen!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2020): The first thing that pops into my head is 'who else is he seeing and giving this crap to?'.
Seriously, get some self respect and move on.
He's made it clear you're just a booty call for him. He probably already has a wife etc and can't commit because of that.
I can't believe you've wasted 2 years on this!
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