A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:It's not love question, but something that's really troubling me, and it seems like there is no way out of this situation.My daughter is 12. She has a best friend for the past 6 years, a girl that they used to go to school with. The fact is that it's not that I can't stand her, but she completely drains me when I m around her.Yssterdday they had a sleepover. All was fine until they woke up and I took them to breakfast. And then it started. "my mom said that she NEVER had sleepover, and when she was driving me to your house she said she feels like she is doing something wrong" . Then non stop provocative questions: do you think my mom is over protective of me? when I text my mom always wants to know who I text and what, do you think it's right? And all these questions directed at me. I told her several times stop doing it, that I m not discussing her mom with her. she keeps on going.TidY when we went to the pool after breakfast, after one of her comments, I said, ok, that's it, if you don't stop this gossiping and discussing adults behavior, I d have to rethink this whole interaction with her.Then she goes pretending to be a little lamb. O, are you going to be mad at my mom now? I told her again to stop it. Then finally my daughter told her to stop antagonizing me, and she finally shut up.I came home after dropping her off at her house completely drained. I told my daughter that I really don't know what to do with her now. I can't forbid their friendship, but if it was up to me, I would never see that child again.She is not always like that. Some days there is no provocative questioning, she is just this sweet little girl, but most of the time she is like she was today. My husband tells me to talk to her mom, but I tried once couple years ago, and she immediately switched the subject, saying something like o, they just kids. Well, in a couple years they ll be young ladies, and tell you the truth I don't know how it will go when boys will come into the game.I asked my daughter how their friendship is going. She says it's fine, but sometimes her friend gets like this, but she can tolerAte it.My daughter is very gentle soul, she is like an open book. She has lots of friends, and liked by everyone. I know people like this are easy taking advantage off. I hope all is like she tells me it is, but I doubt it. I just don't want her to be stuck with that friend of hers struggling, and knowing how to get rid of her. I had a friend like this in my childhood. And it was impossible to rid of her until she moved abroad. I knew her since I was 3, and until 17 she was the most challenging relationship I ever experienced.Any thoughts on how to deal with this situation?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2012): Hmm that kind of behaviour kind of makes a few things in my previous answer irrelevant to be honest.
I'd sit her down and tell her myself that she's not to do any of that stuff in my house again, sit her down and talk to her and ask her why she thought that was an acceptable thing to do. OP she's trying to talk to you, so just talk to her if she wants to ask questions like an adult then she can take responsibility for her actions too.
It could be ADD or ADHD or something because she sounds exceptionally desperate for your attention OP, to the point where she will blatantly lie to your face without even thinking of getting caught.
OP this all seems to be directed at you, the questions, the lies, the manipulations, I think you need to talk to her to be honest for some reason in her head your attention and approval is so important to her that she's willing to lie like that. Sure you can pawn this off on her mom to deal with but there's no harm in talking to this girl on her level and finding out what's up and why she's acting this way. It doesn't sound like her mom is going to be very co-operative and it's an issue this girl is directing at you.
Then I'd set out the boundaries with her and tell her first that you will be having a discussion with her mom about it.
OP this is your house after all, she has to know to behave the way you expect your daughter to and respect the rules.
I'd also have a long conversation about her with your daughter, explain what happened and ask your daughter if this is the kind of thing she does normally. find out some examples of things like this from your daughter. Before you talk to her mother.
I think by doing all the above you can then approach the mom with a greater understanding of what's going on her mom won't be able to brush this incident off that easily if you can show her a pretty weird pattern of behaviour and events.
If you feel more comfortable doing so, then have your talk with her with her mother and your husband present.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2012): Cerebrus, I liked your answer very much, thank you. And this is what I have to say. I didn't take her seriously for quite a awhile u till I found it disturbing. I m trying very hard here to give her some break as she is still a little girl.
I m at the age that I ve met quite a few adults that resembling this little girl and I choose not to give them any slack, as I I don't want to deal
With this kind of people in my life. It s easy when you deal with people your own age or adults of any age, but with a child it's a different issue with me. I will give it another chance, and will try to stay objective.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2012): Thank you all very much for answering!!
I had a long talk with my husbAnd about this today, and he said
The same words I heard here. Set some boundaries. She is just a child, you are the one that sets the rules.
I have a bad reaction to this girl, and sometimes I think it's not fare to her as she is another human being that is trying to live her life. I caught her many times lying and manipulating situations just to get some information from adults by asking questions that she makes up as she goes.
For example, about this sleepover. She lied to me that her mother was cAlling me and wasn't able to reach me. And she begged me to call her mother that sleepover is still on. When I called her mother, she said she never cAlled me, she was just waiting for me to call her to confirm.
My husband is turning 40 this weekend. She overheard me talking to my friends about a birthday party. And later on when we were alone in a room she told me that my daughter invited her to the party, Nd said, o it's too bad that you can't come to the party because our parents aren't that good of friends.
I was shocked! First of all it was a complete lie. My daughter didn't even know about the party, as it was supposed to be all adults party in a night club without any children. So, this girl completely made up the lie, overheAring some bits of my conversation trying to find out if she was excluded.
When I told her that, saying exactly this: I don't understand why you doing this making up all these stories, that are very easy to prove wrong. All I have to do is ask my daughter if she said it to you, she turned all white in face, and said,please don't do it, iI didnt mean it this way.
I understand that it's all silly things that she does, but the way she is manipulating people around her it's just disturbing to me.
My husband advised me to tell her mother about lies, because he thinks it's a pretty serious issue.
Thank u all for answering answering. Good points!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2012): No offence OP but it sounds to me like your past experience with your friend and how you seem unable to handle this girl is more to do with you being a bit too much of a gentle soul who is easily taken advantage of. If your daughter is able to handle this girl then you know whether you can trust your daughter to be able to, surely you trust your own senses to know when something is up with your daughter. They're best friends for 6 years OP, the alarm bells would have rung pretty loudly by now if something was wrong, and you don't mention any real reason that you think they're friendship is bad other than the fact she drains you because you can't deal with her well.
I'm sure if she was having any bad impact on your daughter you wouldn't even need to ask us.
OP your daughter having a friend who is a bit of a wilful alpha is not necessarily a bad thing, I find they compliment the gentle soul people really well as long as they can be trusted, and you'd be surprized how even your gentle soul daughter can probably take care of herself in this regard. she certainly seems to be able to handle this girl far better than you. I think you're projecting your fears onto your daughter, which is normal, you're a parent, you care, you will always worry about her.
OP kids can be draining, it's what they do but this girl is twelve not a toddler it's exceptionally easy to talk to a 12 year old and redirect their attention, you're taking this far too seriously OP. I'm not a parent but I have a few younger sisters and the age gap between me and the youngest is 15 years. So I've come across this type of friend and I've handled it easily.
First off stop taking it so seriously, really like, it's just a kid asking questions. She's not your daughter and you're not going to say anything insulting or bad so you don't have to worry.
She actually sounds like my sisters ADHD friend. She was always trying to see how far she could get and push my buttons, it wasn't a negative thing, she wasn't being evil she found it stimulating. I mean I'm not even a parent, I'm an older brother but was nearing my 30's so you can imagine the types of questions I was getting asked. She'd ask me had I gotten blow jobs from my girlfriend yet and all kinds of very inappropriate things, my response? "Oh well wouldn't you like to know, go play with your barbies or something" and laugh. That's the advantage I had being a brother and angle I think you should try here too. You can give an opinion without getting into trouble and whatever you think is appropriate conversation or not then you can brush that off. I mean you're my age surely you've learned how to do that by now with adults, well if she tries to talk like an adult brush her off the same way.
"do you think my mom is over protective of me?"
It's not play to judge.
"when I text my mom always wants to know who I text and what, do you think it's right?"
That's up to her, it doesn't matter what I think.
"my mom said that she NEVER had sleepover, and when she was driving me to your house she said she feels like she is doing something wrong"
Well you're here now and we brought in lots of popcorn and goodies and we're going to get some movies too, which movie did you pick?
You see how easy it is OP? She's twelve, they have the attention span of a fish and are like magpies, if you dangle something shiny in front of them they forget what they were talking about.
You have a 12 year old, you know what they like so just change the subject, give only very short answers to questions that you feel are inappropriate and stop getting worked up by this. She's not that friend you didn't have the balls to tell piss off, she's your daughters friend and it seems like your daughter is actually far more strong willed and able to handle herself than you because she only had to tell this girl shut up once and she did.
Just ride it out OP and handle it a bit better and don't let it upset you. While your childhood friend left you feeling weak and unable to cope with girls like her, it sounds like your daughters best friend has taught her to have more backbone and that your daughter isn't going to be the shrinking violet you think she will be.
Try not to see the worst in this girl OP, she may well compliment your daughter really well, there's often nothing better for a gentle soul, open book girl to have a bit of a strong willed, loud mouth friend there as back up. A person who will stick up for her but also one which your daughter says and has shown she can handle. Your daughter isn't short of friends OP but she obviously trusts this one for some reason. Give your daughter the benefit of the doubt and learn to tolerate her friend as she does, they'll be entering their teenage years soon, you need to toughen up a little, you think a few inappropriate questions are bad? You haven't seen anything yet. In the next few years you may have real reason to worry, it's best not to stress the little things.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (8 August 2012):
 Here are some things I would try if I were you. 1) When your daughter asks if she can invite this friend over, say "Oh, it's not a good day, we're going to the movies, or the beach or to grandma's...Maybe another time." Then just dodge her for awhile. 2) If your daughter gets wise and asks why she can never have her over. Here's your chance to level with her and tell her you feel she is a little too nosey about things and you'd rather she find other friends. You don't have to "forbid" her to be friends, but just let her know you're not keen on the idea anymore. You think she's a strange little girl. This girl can't possibly be her only friend. 3) Maybe it's time you start making play dates with some other Moms who also happen to have kids your daughter's age and maybe she'll connect with someone new. 4) If she wears you down and you end up getting stuck with this girl again don't take her questions so literal. And P.s. You're the adult you don't have to answer her! Do exactly what her Mom did to you and change the subject. If she asks you personal things or compares her Mom's insecurity to something you're doing, just say, "That's a pretty dress you're wearing." Or "So how's school going?" And just keep changing the subject every time she asks a question. 5) If all else fails start asking HER some questions. Like, "Why do you need to know that?...." or "Why are you curious about that?..." Or "What does your Mom say about that?." The bottom line is, stay in control but don't let her know she's getting to you. More than likely she just isn't getting enough attention at home. She has never been taught that others may feel her questions are blunt and rude. But it's not your job to tell her she's rude. So just ignore her. She's 12 her attention span isn't that vast. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (8 August 2012):
I think she is probably a highly intelligent girl who probably is used to talking with adults aswell as children. the best way is to firmly but politely tell her that she should talk to her mum about it. and if she asks is her mum normal to ask her who is she texting just agree, that the mum is right. so she cant bring any stories back to her mum.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally  +, writes (7 August 2012):
Your daughter's friend seems to be begging for another female adult (you) to explain to her mother that she IS being overprotective and IS preventing her child from having age-appropriate relationships with her peers. Your daughter's friend is probably not allowed to go to sleepovers often, and i'm willing to bet that she had a long debate with her mother about why she should be allowed to visit with your daughter.
My parents were this way. It isn't fair to the girl that she will not have the same social opportunities as her peers because her mother didn't do these things as a child. Times have changed. Your daughter's friend knows it, but her mother does not.
If your daughter is good at making friends, she is also good at managing these friendships. If her friend becomes overwhelming, i'm sure she will say something.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (7 August 2012):
You’re doing all the right things. When she starts complaining, tell her that she should talk through any concerns with her mother and that you’re not prepared to discuss it. Of course as the parent you can impose your own limits on how often she comes over to your place, whatever your daughter’s opinion of it. It sounds like it gets to your daughter just as much when this girl behaves like this though. It seems that you have an honest and open relationship with your daughter, you’ve asked if everything’s okay so you should assume that it is unless she tells you otherwise. It doesn’t sound like there’s any reason why she wouldn’t tell you, so just trust in what she says. You may like just once in a while to ask if everything’s okay though just to reinforce that. Also do remind your daughter that it’s not her responsibility to solve this girl’s problems so to talk to you if she’s finding that she is under pressure or feeling burdened. Essentially, it’s all about your daughter and your relationship, it seems that you’re doing all the right things to allow her to come to you if there’s any cause for concern on her part. As for the friend, perhaps you should think about a bit of distance if she can’t respect your wish not to discuss her home life. It doesn’t sound like there are any serious problems at home that require your intervention, she’s complaining about her mother’s discipline and rules. Pretty common for a child of 12 years, but still she needs to learn what’s appropriate and what isn’t and trying to encourage you to undermine her mother is just not on.
I wish you all the very best.
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