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How do I cope with this breakup?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Family, Health, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 April 2015) 5 Answers - (Newest, 30 April 2015)
A female United Kingdom, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend of 3 years finished with me and is now in a relationship with another woman just 2 weeks later. I am in pieces. I cant eat I cant sleep I cant even go to work. We had a row and split but I thought we would work things out. But this time he said no he wanted to leave as he hadnt been happy for a while. I had no idea that he felt that way.

So now he has ran off with a woman who has already been married and divorced and has 5 children with 2 different men. Ive tried to get closure and he did come to pick his things up last week and we both had a chat which ended up with us both sobbing our hearts out but he refused to come back to me. He said he would always love me but just couldnt handle the relaionship anymore.

I cant get over how quickly he has moved on. He seems so happy and I cant believe for a young guy (27) with no committments he has decided to be with a woman with lots of emotional baggage.

Today I got a message from this womans ex partner and it turns out that they have only been split for a month and he is also devastated. He has asked me out for a drink but I declined as I dont want to play games and stir up trouble. He is leaning on me for support but to be honest I cant barely support myself at the moment let alone anyone else.

What kills me the most is that I have a 5 year old son from a previous relationship who has built up a strong bond with my ex and I now have to try and explain why he isnt coming back.

My heart is shattered and I cant cope. I have cut my ex off completely now and doing NC to allow myself time to heal and everyone says it will get better in time but at the moment I cant see any way out of this grief. It is killing me. What should I do how do I cope. I am 31

View related questions: divorce, my ex

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 April 2015):

Honeypie agony auntYou focus on your son.

While being "alone" or a single mom isn't as fun, having a dysfunctional relationship isn't working either.

My guess is... he has been wanting out for quite a while. You say you two row, break up and then "work" it out. That is not a sustainable relationship. That's too much drama. And guess what? Your SON has front-row seats to that.

As for the new woman? She is a rebound, He is a rebound. Both of them just walked away from relationships and found each other. Will they work out? I doubt it, but... THAT doesn't mean he will come back.

And the new woman's ex? Eww stay far away from THAT mess. I would NOT get involved in their drama.

You son is 5. So he doesn't NEED a long explanation. Telling him that he is no longer your BF is enough. HE doesn't NEED to understand it in details.

It's EASY to say to someone I will always love you. It sounds lovely and IN THAT moment they probably mean it - BUT it's a whole other kettle of fish to ACTUALLY love someone "forever". And sometimes LOVE isn't enough to make a relationship work.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2015):

"I cant get over how quickly he has moved on."

Very likely your ex was seeing her behind your back for some time before he left.

"Today I got a message from this womans ex partner and it turns out that they have only been split for a month . . ."

Very likely his ex was seeing your ex behind his back for some time before she left.

Given the timing of the respective break-ups I can imagine a scenario where the two of them agreed to dump the two of you, she went through with it while he either got cold feet or thought he could string both of you along, she gave him an ultimatum and he finally slithered over to her.

"What should I do how do I cope."

Focus your energy on your son for the next thirteen years.

He's the real victim, already suffering the consequences of your choice in men and his having to witness your going to pieces over your worthless ex is only going to make things worse.

Your son needs stability and consistency after the emotional turmoil he has experienced and that requires putting your love life on hold for the foreseeable future.

Be the strong role model he deserves by conducting yourself with strength and dignity; don't let him learn by example to treat women the way men have treated you.

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A female reader, MSA United States +, writes (30 April 2015):

MSA agony auntYou're telling me that in the three years you've been together, you did not realize, through the arguements, fights, breakups, etc that the relationship is slowing draining?

I'm sure you must've sensed him backing away from the relationship. Do you think that you'll just keep fighting, breaking up, and then getting back together again? It's clear that you both are not compatible. Maybe he's wanted out a long time ago but didn't have the courage or determination to end things until he found this other woman whom he feels much more comparible with.

Yes, I agree he's an arse. Had he wanted to end things, he would've ended it before fleeing into the arms of another woman.

Regardless, he's gone now. He's with someone whom he feels is more compatible with, regardlessof her age or background.

You need to accept that and move on. Don't contact him. Don't contact his current girlfriend or her ex.

Your son is young, children forget easily. Spend more time with him, he will be fine.

Move on.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (30 April 2015):

janniepeg agony auntYour son needs you so your priority is to get your life back on track. This is the second time around that he's dated single moms. So maybe it's not you he doesn't want, it's that he does not want to commit to one woman for long. So it doesn't matter what issues women have. He's only happy until he has to make the final decision, of whether to be responsible or run. That's usually at the 2nd or 3rd year mark.

It does get better in time. I believe all of us who had suffered heart break and recovered had said they could not see any way out of this. If you were to get better, it will be for your son. It's best that your son can learn from you that we can develop resilience to life's disappointments. The best message you can send to him is that you can't control people or make people love you, but you can control how you respond to things. Your son is more upset about your emotional state than you can imagine. If your son asks what happened to him just tell him he's not your friend anymore, as simple as saying that to another kid who had gotten mean in the playground.

I suggest you to go to an amusement park with your son. Enjoy the sun and seeing him smile.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2015):

You HAVE your son, your friends,your family.

You HAVE things to live for, look forward to and be happy about.

Imagine your son's graduation in roughly 15 years' time (not that far away!),imagine all your home comforts, all the things you worked hard for... They are there, you've earned them!

Be strong for your boy and teach him how to treat women properly.

The way this ars*hole treated you is certainly very disrespectful.

IF he was IN LOVE with you or even CARED about you (notice I say "cared" not "loved"), then he would have tried NOT to hurt your feelings.

He didn't CARE (let alone "love") enough about you and your feelings to CARE how it will affect you an be a bit more careful with your heart.

NO, instead he decided to STOMP on top of it.

Well, good riddance! He did not care about you and your feelings, you should be a good,strong mama to your boy, teach him how to treat women well (and SHOW him! not only teach! SHOW him how men SHOULD treat women) and go find yourself a man who LOVES you.

Good luck in your search! And congrats on getting rid of the extra baggage! now you can go forward quicker ;)

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