A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:First things first, I must establish that I'm interested in getting married in the next 4-5 years, but I'm currently busy on placement in another state. I will eventually have to return either to my home state or move to another country for work, which has made it pretty difficult and pointless for me to look for a relationship where I am right now.Having said that, I am interested in having a short-term relationship that's fun, with no actual sex involved. However, it seems as if most of the guys who are interested in hooking up only want sex. How do you suggest I meet people who only want to hang out, chill, make out a little but not actually have sex? (not any dating app that I have to link my actual social media to, btw)I met a guy when my friends and I were out one night who was super cute and about 6 years older than me, and we flirted a little over text for a few days. However, I think he's sensed that I don't put out (and it sounds like he has had a lot of experience putting out) and stopped texting me. That's completely fine by me, but I do enjoy flirting and getting to know people, but I don't know how to get that message across without completely turning the guy off. So I guess this is more a two part question: How have all of you met people casually without sex, and how would you suggest I communicate my preferences?Thanks a bunch, aunt/uncle agony!
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (16 June 2016):
 Oh, I see. Actually I see this a lot being a small town person. We usually brush it off as big city arrogance, but that would not be helpful to you. So how can I convince you that there is more going on in this small town than you think. Probably you will not be there long enough to change your attitude and your best bet would be more trips to the flesh pits, err big city.
But if you are determined and willing, you can find what you are looking for right where you are. First thing is to volunteer. Find a group that is doing something you are interested in. Civic or church organizations, are a good place to start. Use your business contacts. Get involved. Most small towns have some sort of summer celebration. Find out who is organizing this year and ask where you can help.
And if it is a small town like my small town, the cowboys only come to town on the weekend. If you want some fun, you need to find out where they hang up their spurs.
FA
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2016): OP here, thanks for all the responses!To answer the question about why I'm interested in these candidates -- I'm currently located in a place with few people my age or with interests similar to mine (small town), which has made it impossible for me to find anyone. Also the fact that I will move far away after the year just makes it difficult for me to envision a long term relationship. Normally I would just wait until I move away, but I have been missing physical contact (the PG13 kind) with other men. It has nothing to do with self-esteem or sexual intimacy. A part of it is because I don't have any same age peers where I am right now, and I had met the guy I mentioned while on a weekend trip to the city. Ideally I would LOVE to meet the guy I will eventually marry right now, but I know that logistically it is not possible since these people aren't where I am.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (15 June 2016):
 Please don't use an asexual dating site - firstly, some aces do have sex and secondly, don't use someone's asexuality as a stop-gap relationship reason until you want sex.I'd to say you'd find what you're looking for, but most who are looking for casual relationships mean sex, not no sex. Also, I'm with Fatherly Advice that if you want to get married in 4 - 5 years, now's the time to start finding someone compatible enough to fall in love with and vice versa. I mean, I personally think people should wait 2½+ years before getting married, but they're not likely to just show up 2 years from now, perfect person first time.The type of relationship you're looking for is what many long-term relationships start off as (with or without sex), causing feelings to develop for at least one person. Either you'll break their heart or they'll break yours - though you're not likely to find someone who doesn't want sex or anything long-term.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (15 June 2016):
 So, just date? Go on a date, and if you like the guy, kiss him and be a "lady" and all demure, "I don't sleep with someone on a first date" and then if you're not interested in taking it farther, conclude the dating, you're not obligated to see someone on a second date. No need to do some huge disclosure on a website. My personal opinion is also, if a guy thinks you're a tease, well tough luck! Be careful though because there are men out there that will believe they're entitled to something just because of our behavior. I personally would try not to flirt in a sexual way and give those signals if I had no intent in going that way, because you've just met a guy, you don't know what they're like.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 June 2016):
 From this guy's point of view.... your aim is peculiar, and very likely will not be met.....
After all..... YOU are asking (seeking) a guy who will play with matches ("How do you suggest I meet people who only want to hang out, chill, make out a little but not actually have sex?").... but you don't want him (or, you) to start any fires ("...I think he's sensed that I don't put out...")
This is one of those "have your cake and eat it, too" dilemmas. You can continue to look for such a guy.... but you must admit that most guys will categorize you (and any other woman, as well) as "dating/fooling around" material.... or, "just a good, lady friend".....
Don't fool yourself in to believing that you can have both....
Good luck..
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (15 June 2016):
You seem to have an unrealistic life plan. You will travel and pursue your career for years and then magically you will be married, in just 4 - 5 years. What I am seeing, in online relationship forums, is that you actually plan on being married in 5 years you should have met the guy by now. If not now then in the next 2 years.
I'm a bit more old fashioned and think that it is fine to have non sexual relationships now, but I will say that there is no reason you should not be using those relationships, (yes committed, exclusive, romantic, and especially with a possibility of long term success) to learn about what you like and are looking for in a long term partner.
You are so afraid of a break up that you aren't willing to put your heart out there. Breakups are inevitable. shouldn't you also be learning about how to handle those?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2016): So basically what you're looking for is a friend that you hang out with that kisses you from time to time. And makes you feel special and girly is that it? You could try dating people who are choosing to remain celibate, there are all lot that are doing that now days. I expect there are dating sites where you can meet them. Maybe there's a asexual dating group.For me the thing you need to think about is why you actually want to go on these candidates. Beyond with yourself, is it something that you need to boost your self-esteem, to have someone lusting after you and kissing you and holding your hand but not going for you? Are you afraid of sexual intimacy? Are you avoiding physical contact for some reason that you have an explained here? So to answer your question is there a tactful way to tell a potential date that you're only interested in holding hands and kissing from time to time and that your request will magically transform a guy who's interested in more into excepting what you want to offer. The only thing you can do is be honest upfront tell the guy what you're looking for, and there may well be guy who wants that too. Probably not a lot of guys like that, but you'll never find one if you don't try.In the meantime hang out with friends, if you want a kind of boyfriend experience find a really great gay guy who isn't interested in being sexual with you, but would be happy to spend time with you and go do fun things.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2016): I say just casually date a few guys or if you want no sex at all ever with a guy, just make friends. Men are going to want sex if you flirt or act very suggestive. Maybe if you want clearer boundaries just go online and state youre seeking fun with no sex (just make outs). State it very clearly on your profile, MOST guys will push for sex or ask why its out of the picture but some guys will absolutely love the idea of just making out casually with a new girl. Good luck
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (15 June 2016):
 First I would say if you don't want a romantic attachment with the possibility of sex, then stop flirting. That's just being a tease.
Second, in my experience you don't turn love on or off like a tap. If it hits you then that's natural and there's not much you can do about it. If you are just thinking about sex and not love then perhaps stick with a love toy. Sorry if that sounds crude but sex without love is just a form of self gratification isn't it?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 June 2016):
 Define " make out a little ". What would you like to do exactly ?
If this is an euphemism for " abstaining from penetrative sex, but engaging in other sexual acts conducive to physical release ", I think any " casual relationship " column of any dating site will do ,and you'd have quite some choice. You can see often ads with " no sex involved " , or " no intercourse ". ( That there ìs always the risk that a guy, met and accepted by this system, i.e. no dates, no getting to know each other, may not be a gentleman and may not be willing to respect your limits once aroused, well yes, there is, and without wanting to be paranoid I think it must be mentioned ).
If you mean literally that you just want to kiss, and do like when you were 16-- but alas maybe in this day and age I should say , when you were TWELVE ! - and just sit on a park bench for two or three hours locking lips....uhm, I don't know. It's difficult. People who seek casual hookups does it ALSO because it's a way to shorten the fondling / kissing phase and get down to brass tacks faster.
Two people in love CAN spend a whole day in bed just kissing and petting, some times , because what counts is the closeness , the physical proximity of the other person, but casual hookers, not so much. You are a mean to an end for them, and if there has to be no end, .....
Anyway, asking is always allowed and obliging is always optional. You can state your limits right away, when you go out on a date, and / or when you start " making out " : I won't go further than this, I am not interested in anything intimate ". You may see some of the guys stop pursuing you and vanish in thin air after this , not willing to return for a repeat making out session, but, hey you have got nothing to lose anyway, since you are not interested in a relationships but only in casual ,
( somewhat ) physical contacts.
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