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How do I break up a friends with benefits deal? Is that even a good idea?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Friends, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (3 October 2007) 8 Answers - (Newest, 19 October 2007)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

HELP!! Im currently dating this guy, and so far we've been having fun to the fullest! Yes we argue but we make up that same instant (nothing serious) , we aren't in a relationship, but were sexually intimate. So u can call it a friends with benefits type deal. Well I have no complaints, exept for the fact that........I want to break it off! Like end it this whole friends with benefits thing! Don't get me wrong I enjoy it, but because I have that thaught in my head saying that were going to stay together and live happily ever after!.......Wrong! I know for a fact ima end up hurt! If he wanted to b with me he would have persued a relationship by now! I want off this crazy roller coaster ride now b4 I end up hurt, I really like him but I'd rather suffer now than here's my question how do I break up a friends with benefits deal? How do I explain that "I want out" when everything is going so perfect between us? Or should I even break it off??? Please help. I really like this guy but I'm so scared.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007):

...Well sweetie i too was in that kind of realationship, and i too fall for him, but the diffrence i know he is not right for me, because his way of thinking does not go down well with me, however i think if he was diffrent in his attitude, i probably will try , plus the sex is good. He broke it off with me, he did not let me go nicely.. he started by ignoring my calls, and staying away from me now its one months. We do talk, but he is playing games as if he calls me, and i missed his call, when its time for me to return his calls he would not answere... Anyways he is not just that into me. Though we have good sex, he is abusive,he lies, MANUPILATES to get what he wants and only want me, only to suit his time,,so yeah i did fell emotionally attached to that jerk, but i think i am more attracted to the Physical side of him his looks, bad boy sexy attitude, as i said i would have risk being with him even if i knew it would not have work.probaBLY WISHING HE WILL TRY TO CHANGE.


Listen i know your friend is not as bad as my own, but the bottom line is, you want more, and if he was into you, he would have pushed the realationship to a next level. He is not stupid he must have have an idea that probably you may want more, but then it would not matter, if he do not want the same too

You matters first, at this point its you who comes first, your future, feelings, intrest, its you who matters first, no body.. Its like you are fighting for your self. This realationship deal is /will start to hurt you, and before you get deeper get out.

But choose a day when both of you have time, make sure you have support when u decide to break up., friends, family, hobbies... make sure u have further plans of what you will do,when u break up.

As i was saying let him know you enjoy every moment you spent with him, but you feel you cannot handle this kind of relationship anymore... Be honest and say i wanted more, but i respect that its not what you are looking for. And you want to be honest with myself and to you, and do whats best.

Believe me, if this guy have any slight respect for your feelings he will allow you to go, rather than he wanting to keep you for his own gratification, by malking you think that yes there will be a chance of both of you getting together.

Do you, know that since my partner, or fuck buddy started to act strangely, i am all on the internet looking for 'closure of why he is behaving like this to me", so u see i myself is trying to get over the fact that he wants to move on and stop the sex and friendship. I know one day that the fun would stop but my problem is why could he just talk to me , and let me down nicely.. What can i do to him? nothing, He has the power to stay away from me.

Just be strong and tell him the truth, after all you are not a coward girl, because you are true to your know what you want, only that you do not know how to say it.

Good luck, my friend!! Good luck!.

Oh by the way there is a booked called HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. look it up into the internet probably u will buy it.


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A female reader, adpangel Philippines +, writes (4 October 2007):

adpangel agony aunthi...i know how u feel cause im in a situation too but the little different is we talked about our relationship being with love....i wanted to break with him but it's too late i love him already...its really hard to break now...if you feel you dont love him then go break now...before its not yet too late.

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A female reader, drastic knowledge United States +, writes (4 October 2007):

drastic knowledge agony auntwell its like this why does he want to buy the cow when its giving away milk for free !!!!!!!!

less time less work and less money

he gets what he wants from you and says hes your friend labels you as easy ass and keeps it at that

good luck being anything after saying okay to that and to break it off simple say good bye dont look back change your numbers and move on

count it as a past mistake of fun and leave him as that

good luck and i hope you dont let this go on it seems as he has no respect or care for you other than your body if he only wants sex

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A female reader, Sugarbuns Australia +, writes (3 October 2007):

Sugarbuns agony auntWell you could just avoid him altogether, you know don't answer your phone, don't answer your door, or any e-mails he sends you normally. If you do that long enough, he'll get the hint. But I think what you really want to do, is have him as your b/f and not just a friend with benefits. So, tell him you want more. He'll either step up to the plate, or run for the door. Either way, you won't be in limbo anymore. Good luck.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (3 October 2007):

Danielepew agony auntI'm with Fairy Lu. This is a defense mechanism, really. You want more from him, are afraid that he won't give it to you, and you break the relationship before he does, so you spare yourself the pain of being rejected.

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A male reader, Sandman United States +, writes (3 October 2007):

Sandman agony auntYeah, just let him know what's going on. I think it's unfair to assume that he doesn't want a relationship too! Men, like women, can become emotionally attached to their friend with benefits. I should know, it happened to me! Maybe if you tell him about your feelings, he might be feeling the same things. Maybe he was scared to say anything to you because of the whole "we're just friends having a good time" thing going. What have you got to lose?

And if he doesn't think pursuing a relationship with is ideal, then you can leave him. Although I think this is the part you're trying to avoid; you having feelings for him and him not having feelings for you.

In that case, do as Fairy_Lu said - just tell him you want out because you're starting to have feelings for him and you don't want to get hurt by them in the end. If he has feelings for you too, he'll express them at that moment. If not, then he'll be like "okay".

Hope this helps.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007):

The difference between the two of you is a simple one. Men can have sex with a woman - almost any woman - without getting emotionally involved. That's why there are more female than male prostitutes.

As a generalisation, women on the other hand tend to get emotionally involved and find difficulty separating sexual activity from feelings of love, almost as if the two go hand-in-hand. Even if at the outset declarations of 'no strings attached' is the agreement.

So, either get engaged or something, or tell him you're unhappy the way things have turned out, remain friends, but forget the 'benefits'.


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A female reader, Fairy_Lu United Kingdom +, writes (3 October 2007):

Fairy_Lu agony auntI think you are just gonna have to be honest tell him that you have a great time together and you really like the time you spend together but your having feelings for him and that unless it stops you know you will get hurt and you dont want that and unless he wants a relationship then it cant continue, just be honest with him you dont want to be hurt and if a bit of fun is all he wants then its just not what you want, be brave dont fall in love with someone who will break your heart you never know he might feel the same.

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