A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'd like to know how to end a long term (nearly 10 year) relationship? I'm 27 and have been in the same relationship since 18. Initially it was long distance and we saw each other every weekend or other weekend but I inherited a house close to 3 years ago now and she moved in with me. I've been doing a PhD during that time period (and paid a salary to do it) whilst she has worked locally.Things are not great between us but not disastrous either. Kind of stale, unexciting, monotonous, indifferent. We don't have sex anymore, its like we've gone from lovers when in a long distance relationship to just good friends sharing a house together. Neither of us make much effort to go out and do things partly because we have both become a bit lazy, living in our little house with our little cat, working all day and then doing house chores or relaxing in the evening. We often do our own thing after dinner, one upstairs one downstairs, and don't see each other 'til its bedtime. My PhD is very work-intensive too so I often have to work evenings. She also REALLY wants to get married - not unnatural at 26 and after being together for such a long amount of time with one guy I realise - but I keep saying I'm not ready, I don't like the idea of marriage and tend to use the excuse that everyone in my family has been through divorce or I also brush it off and say maybe soon, probably after my PhD finishes (only a few months left!!). I mean its a little terrifying to think about ending this near ten year relationship and being on my own but the thought of marriage terrifies me to a far greater extent!! I'm not sure why, I just feel like I'm still young, I'm throwing my life away with marriage, I'll be trapped, I need to live more. I also feel I'd be the type of person who would enjoy independence and doing my own thing if I lived alone. But I don't know for certain as I feel I've never had the chance to try it in my entire adult life.I feel really bad about this situation as she's a lovely girl, fun to be with and have banter with, I mean I really love her but there's hardly a romantic spark of any sort any more. I think its more of a love that develops when your with someone for so long. I don't want to lead her on longer and longer as its not fair on her, she deserves better. I mean she says she wants kids by the time she's 30... and I can't even marry her, let alone think about kids!Personally, I think I want a fresh start, I want to try being independent; it gives me such an excited buzz imagining it. I'd like to see more of my friends and family. I also would like to feel that incredible excitement of meeting someone new again, and just having soemthing casual; I want to be free to go see my friends at weekends, go on a few holidays with mates maybe, and not have to worry about it or feel guilty because she decided to stay at home on her own.I'm really worried about how to tell her, I think it will come so out of the blue to her and really upset her. She lives and works in this city now, around 130 miles from her parents and sister (who are all really nice and I get on well with). How do I break it to her and then how do we deal with the length of time it will take for her to quit her job, work her notice, will she hang around and find a new place to live and new job, or go back to live at her parents? She hardly has any friends here so I assume she would go back to them. Any advice would be absolutely appreciated.
View related questions:
divorce, long distance, moved in, period, spark, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2013): The sooner you do it, the better.
It won't be easy, but break-ups never are!
I think this separation is going to be a great thing for both of you, and change your life dramatically.
Good luck on the adventure, don't forget to travel.. and congratulations on your PhD :)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): Thanks for replying. Food for thought! To try to answer your questions...
Q1) Why can't I meet new people and take up hobbies now / Why aren't I seeing my family and friends much now?
This is difficult to answer. When we are out together I feel like I shouldn't or perhaps that I don't really want or need to speak to strangers or meet new people. When its just me on my own I think I'm so much more gregarious and talkative in general but also to people I don't know; I make the effort. When its me and her we tend to just keep to ourselves when in a situation, eg a wedding reception, where we don't know anyone.
As for hobbies, I have a lot of house-bound hobbies but I would feel bad if I went out more than 2 or so nights a week without her to attend clubs or classes etc. At the moment its just to have a game of squash one night a week. This all stems from the fact that she moved here and didn't know anybody here and hasn't really made friends and so, as much as she says she likes staying in in the evening and reading, I think I feel guilt for doing my own thing too often without her. She likes us to be together, evenif she is upstairs and I am down for the evening. Also we don't have much money and she gets worried about money a lot generally.
For some reason I don't go to visit my family too often despite them living just a few miles away. Again, her family is 100+ miles away and so if I see my family too often I feel bad 'cause she hardly ever see's hers. And sometimes she brings that fact up! The same applies with my friends. They're mine and she doesn't really seem to want to make them hers much. But she doesn't seem to want to make an effort to make any friends of her own to hang out with outside of working hours either! She's not particularly good with meeting new people I guess. I think what she would like is for us to move to an area where neither of us know anybody and we start from scratch, which may sound good to her but is fairly unappealing to me.
Overall I just feel really restricted and if she was out of the picure, as harsh as this sounds, I could regain a healthy balance of doing all of these things.
Q2) Moving out, getting married, having a family ...
Its true that I may do these things eventually. In fact its statistically likely that I will. Its what the vast majority of people do. But, and I can only talk about my present thoughts and feelings, I don't feel any urge to do any of these things (in fact I feel an urge to NOT do them) and can't see my mindset changing in the forseeable future. I simply don't think I'm anywhere near ready. I can understand the logic behind having kids fairly young as you get to experience and be a part of more of their life. But, I can mainly see downsides to having kids at the moment (not well off at all financially, lots of stress, lack of freedom). Perhaps I'm too selfish / self-indulgent, perhaps its because I was basically an only child (my sister is 18 years older than me & moved out just prior to me being born), I don't know. But I do know family and kids don't appeal to me now and maybe they will/maybe they won't in the future, I can't tell. The same thing basically applies to the thought of having to move out and having to get married. They all have the same consequences... lack of freedom, lack of money, unnecessary stress. Sure there are some pros as well, its not all negative I suppose. But the fact that I feel the relationship has probably run its course on a personal level, insofar as I would rather go out on my own that take her with me these days, certainly suggests taking our relationship a stage further is really unwise. I just hope I will work up the courage to break it to her soon, I know I need to.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (14 November 2013):
 Dear OP, Thank you for the follow up. I was hoping some of the other aunts would beat me to answering you as they are often better at fleshing out my thoughts… While I am sure you are going to leave and I am not going to try to stop you, some of what you say leads me to think you are suffering JUST a bit from “the grass is greener” syndrome. Since you are struggling with how to leave and not IF to leave I know that sooner is better than later BUT there are some things that I want to ask you:
You said that once the relationship is over you can see family and friends and have your hobbies back. What holds you back RIGHT NOW while with her from meeting new people and taking up your old hobbies… Being in a relationship does NOT mean you give up yourself or your likes… perhaps that’s part of your discontentment? Why aren’t you seeing your family and friends now? I’m married and we live in the same house but I have my friends, and my family and my hobbies and my solitude if I want. I’ve gone away with the girls now and then for a weekend even…. Being married or partnered does not mean you are shut off from the rest of the world unless that’s what YOU want.
You then say that the whole getting married and having kids and moving thing is a big deal. Well guess what… that’s a bogus excuse. Because you will eventually do that anyway… You talk about your dad dying 4 years ago… sadly those may be your genes… if you wait to have a child till you are 35 or 40 and you die in your 60s you leave a younger child…. I am 53 my oldest son will be 30 and my baby is 28 I am glad I had my kids young so that if I die soon (as is my family history) my kids have had me for a longer time… I lost my mom at age 35 and she was 24 when I was born… I’m glad I had her for the brief time I did. I understand the loss of a parent at a young age… it changes us.
The fact that you are concerned about her being happy and the fact that you want her happy even if it’s with someone else tells me how much you do love her… it’s hard to let someone you love go…
If you are going to leave her OP do it NOW… do not wait till after the holidays.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2013): "Does the thought of never seeing her again and never knowing what's going on in her life, scare you, excite you, or make you incredibly sad?"That's a great question and one I keep asking myself. I think if I'm completely honest it doesn't scare me so much because I think (initially at least...) I'll feel a weight lifted, I'll feel free and liberated for the first time in a decade. Perhaps something close to elation. I'll be 27 with the world at my feet. I'll have independance and I'll be able to spend quality time with family and friends, and in solitude too, I can take up some of my old hobbies and meet new people. Ultimately I'll be able to go out on a whim and have fun and that's what I want at this stage of my life; not to be locked into a marriage and everything that entails (e.g. losing the security and sole ownership of my house and next having to sell it to move into a larger place with her and eventually having to bring up children and then the potential regrets as to never having the nerve to go it alone when I had the chance... These things scare me). I suppose I will want kids one day but not now nor in a few years time. 5 to 10 years down the line perhaps I can re-evaluate. I lost my dad at just 62 years of age four years ago and its made me realise that life is short. What's my ultimate goal in life? To have fun, to feel good, to have loved and been loved, to have lived a full life, to have memories and experiences to take to the grave. I think going my own way now will increase the chances of that being the case when I am on my deathbed! :p What the thought of never seeing her again does do to me, however, is make me very sad - close to tears in fact - because we've had so many good times in the past ten years, been to plenty of amazing cities all over the world together on holiday. I have so many memories, many amazing and many others not so great. The worst thing of course is potentially breaking her heart and her plans and hopes by telling her I want to leave her. That is soul destroying to me because I love her and hate the thought of making her sad. Ultimately though I think I'm cheating myself and her if I remain in this relationship. The sadness will fade with time. It did with the loss of my dad and now I just remember the good times. The thought of her with someone else doesn't really raise any emotion within me and if she was happy I think I'd feel glad. I remember ending it with my first real girlfriend, a relationship that lasted around 11 months when I was 17, and feeling so sad about it. I still have dreams at night every now and then where the two of us meet randomlu and get back together and it feels great, I wake up and long to see her again, and then sometimes I check out what she's been up to on facebook, but I know deep down I did the right thing by splitting with her and she seems to be living a good life now. Most people have to experience these things and there's always a reason (or several) that causes the split and then it happens and then life just works itself out afterwards right?By the way thanks for putting up with all of these ramblings. Its a real lifeline to have a site like this where I can get my feelings off my chest and get advice from real people so quickly. I'm very glad to have found this site.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 November 2013):
IF you want out... and you believe she's not happy, then it's POSSIBLE she won't ask to break up but she would not fight you on it either..
the key is after you break up it's not YOUR job to worry about what she does or where she goes or who she's with.
IN fact you have nothing to hold you together any more ever so once you break up and all the dust has settled (she has all her stuff with her and you have all your stuff with you) then you two NEVER need to have ANY contact ever again and what she does will not even matter....
I strongly suggest you do it sooner rather than later. I also strongly suggest you don't beat around the bush, and don't promise her "we can stay friends" that's BS in my book.
Does the thought of never seeing her again and never knowing what's going on in her life, scare you, excite you, or make you incredibly sad?
I just wonder if we advise you to leave her without making an effort to see if you can rekindle the old flame is good advice.....
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2013): I think you're very brave to do this. Not that I think you shouldn't if this is how you feel, you know if its the right thing to do.I did a similar thing about this time last year, and it was totally unexpected. He took it badly and it was so sad, so we ended up trying to work things out for months, but the whole thing just dragged on and on and we were both left feeling resentful and bitter towards one another. We still speak though, but I think as others say here you need to just do it as soon as you can.Expect for feelings of sadness and confusion though, and it may take her a while to come to terms with. I don't know what you or her are like as a person though so you 2 may handle it differently.You both have age on your side so that's a great thing. You never know after a few weeks/months away you might decide the grass wasnt greener after all.Let us know how it goes and best of luck to you both :)
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2013): Thanks so much for the five quick replies. Really good advice which helps and gives me things to think about. I think we really did get together too early in life, back in the days when I kinda felt I needed to get a girlfriend, its what people my age did, and I was a fairly needy guy back then I imagine, and I used to think it wasn't worth living without someone.Just in response to one of the anonymous female readers... I'm the one who owns the house outright so I simply can't let her live here and I leave, that's just not an option. (Also all my friends and family are here). I'd obviously give her as much time as she needed - although I agree a deadline is a good idea! - to get other accomodation sorted, wherever that may be. Although I can't begin to imagine how weird/tense that period will be prior to her moving on, whilst we are split up but still co-habiting. This I think is my sticking point at the moment because I just don't know how I or she will cope with that period, whilst carrying on with our jobs etc. I think she is level headed and reasonable but she's never ever had to deal with a situation like this before (admittedly neither have I). Also I genuinely don't think she will want to stay in this city - she often says she doesn't like it here and how she can't wait for us to move elsewhere (something I have worried about because I would be really reluctant to sell this place and having to pay for a mortgage, no matter how good a job I get at the end of the PhD, and a good job is in no way guaranteed). Also, she doesn't have any nearby family and she only made a couple of casual work friends in the 3 years she has lived here. She's not very happy with her job either. She never goes out or does anything without me unless she goes back to visit her family and her old friends on the odd weekend. If she does want to stay I'd be gobsmacked quite honestly. Just one other thing. Deep down I believe she isn't happy with the relationship either. In fact she isn't really happy with where she lives and how lazy she and I have become - she knows this but like one of you said its probably easier to just carry on and hope for marriage and for things to get better than to end it all and start all over again with someone else. Additionally, she has put on a lot of weight since living here with me, laziness again I guess, I've gained a few stone myself, and perhaps she would just generally see the split as something positive, perhaps not straight away but given a bit of time. In fact it took a lot of persuasion to get her to move in with me in the first place, a step I thought back then would really benefit our relationship and take it to the next level. But I've reached as far as I want to go and I truly feel guilty for, not forcing, but for playing a big role in her leaving home and coming to live with me in the first place.I don't think its a healthy relationship to be in, lets put it that way, but then again I should imagine many other people are in similar situations or maybe even worse situations but decide to stick with it. I think if I were to do that, maybe 6 months to a year down the line these doubts and frustrations would resurface again and as said its not in her interest to delay marriage/kids too much and not my intention to lead her on or hamper her chances to have a happy life.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 November 2013):
 I agree with CMMP and WiseOwlE
Be honest with her, don't drag it out.
What she wants to do and how she wants to do it is up to her, you two can talk about what you feel is OK for you, for example give her 3 weeks to pack and move out or whatever you both can agree on.
This IS the time to do it, instead of later on.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2013): Why do you think she will quit her job and move back to her parents?
Why do you think she is the one who will move out?
If you are in a shared house, she has just as much right as you to stay, so theoretically she could expect YOU to move out as you are going to do the dumping?
Perhaps it would be kinder for you to leave instead, rather than breaking her heart and then forcing her to leave a job she is settled in, and a house she calls home?
I appreciate that you have to do this, but perhaps think about her feelings a little more, not just your own.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2013): I have always found leading people on is worst than being upfront and honest about your feelings. Nothing better than the direct approach. You want to breakup, so do it.It isn't unusual for people to become very complacent in a relationship; and simply put the relationship on autopilot. Making excuses and wiggling out of commitment isn't fair. She could be moving on, and finding what she's looking for.Don't expect her to be happy to hear you want out. Expect her to be dramatic and very emotional. Women consider the next step to be marriage; when they have given a guy a big chunk of their lives. Even if it hasn't been all that great. They'll wait it out. It's easier than starting out all over, from being a single woman to finding a new partner.You have no obligation to linger on in her life. Set her free. She has to start a process of detachment after you end the relationship. The sooner you end it, the sooner you can both get on with your lives.Give it to her kindly, to the point, and allow her closure. If she needs to know why, have a ready answer. If she can't accept that, it's her problem to deal with it. You don't intend to marry her, and you don't want to. That's the facts, no matter how painful. Ten years is a longtime. Don't be too surprised if she feels exactly the same as you do about wanting to move on. Just don't expect an easy breezy breakup.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2013): Sounds like my husband, who never wants to go anywhere. Well, not exactly, he always drags me to this one place where he knows owner, and there is ussualy no one there. I never go with him. The thing is that you guys met too young, and no one really experienced other people, which tell you the truth not that much fun. You meet all kind of weirdos, and be ready for all kind of surprises. About casual sex: be prepared that most girls are not into casual sex. It will take you lots of effort to meet girls who want just that, unless you ll be hunting in bars where they get wasted. Ther re people who met at young age and stayed together a lifetime and loved each other their whole life. But... It's not you, so , leave, don't waste her time, and she will figure out what to do with her life without you. It's not the end of the world.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (13 November 2013):
It's not really your place to figure that out, it's going to be her call, so don't worry about it.
My advice is this: be aware that it's probably going to hurt her a lot and she's going to take it personally. Try to help her realize that there's nothing wrong with her but you guys just met too young and you're not ready to settle down yet.
Don't make empty promises or give her false hope. Just tell her how you feel, what you want and keep it simple. Also, don't start dating anyone, even secretly, until she's out of the picture.
You should get out there and travel while you're still young, there's nothing like it.
...............................
|
