A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My on and off ex boyfriend of 10 years is engaged 6 months into his new relaionship. Aka 6 months after he ghosted me and dropped me like a hot potato. I am completely heartbroken and having such a hard time moving on from this. I am doing all the things you are suppose to do to "move on", I'm working out, hanging with friends, finding new hobbies, trying to keep busy, imoroving myself, my work/business is thriving.. But deep down I cannot get a grip on my broken heart. I can't stop wondering why I wasn't the one, or why he is suddenly giving her everything I've ever wanted from him or how it was so easy for him to cut me out of his life. How can I get myself to somehow accept this and stop blaming myself and wondering why I wasn't good enough..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2020): The best way for me to say this is - you had a lucky escape!Who's to say he isn't on again off again with his new lady friend and maybe she's given him an ultimatum?On a more realistic note, it seems to me you two were obviously not suited as you would have committed to each other long ago instead of breaking up all the time.Have pity for her and wish him well. You're at the perfect age were starting again is a great prospect. You have the mid 30's experience of relationships and no what to avoid thanks to your ex, and you have you whole life ahead!Be excited! Think 'freedom'! Think 'i'm finally on my way to meeting the one who will put a ring on my finger and won't waste my time'.I've been there - trust me! You are gutted because you're jealous that she will soon wear the white dress and seemingly her life will be perfect but you need to realise that you too will have that. You just need to look for it and be approachable when it happens.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (13 October 2020):
 I firmly believe that the universe sends us people to teach us life lessons. If we refuse to learn those lessons, the universe will keep repeating them until we do. Your ex was in and out of your life for 10 years. You refused to learn your lesson in all this time. You would have put a stop to it at any time but you chose not to. You were never "good enough" for him, yet you kept letting him back into your life when he had nothing better on offer.
People often say "you will know when you meet the right one" and it sounds like your boyfriend has now met the right one for him, hence he is not hanging around. That is why it appears that, after such a short period, she is getting everything you wanted for 10 years but was denied. Sweetheart, you could have hung in there for ever and still not got what you wanted from him.
You need to view this as a life lesson. In future, don't make someone a priority who treats you as a convenience. I can appreciate how badly this hurts but this too will pass. Try to see it as her doing you a favour. You can no longer deny what you have chosen to for 10 years, that this guy was not the one for you.
It will take some time to get over this but you will get there, I promise. Keep doing what you are doing. Also, stop checking on what is happening in his life. If you have mutual friends, ask them not to update you on his life. Just cut him out of your life as he cut you out of his. Acknowledge you had the choice to end this 10 year madness at any time, but you chose to let it continue. Use it as a lesson to value yourself much more highly going forward.
Hang in there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2020): Typo:
"I haven't looked back [since]!"
"I've [since] found real-love; but it happened unexpectedly."
"Love came looking for me; so I let him in!"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2020): As the resident-expert on being blindsided and dumped here; I can say I totally feel you!
Two months after I got dumped, he was on vacation with a new boyfriend! A friend had to share that earth-shattering news with me; because he happened to be staying at the same resort hotel, and ran into them! I'm not quite sure what kind of twisted-pleasure this questionable-friend might have gotten out of telling me; but I relapsed after almost getting steady on my feet again. BTW, I dumped that "friend!" He was far too happy to stick a dagger in my broken-heart. What kind of friend would do that? Knowing I was doing better at the time.
Your pride is hurt. Your ego is bruised, and your self-esteem is totally deflated. You feel most indignant that he would have the nerve to evolve to that level of commitment so fast with somebody else!!! It's a backhanded-slap in the face; that someone else could so easily achieve what you couldn't. When you tried over and over. Only to fail! That makes the sting of rejection all the more painful! Then why the hell would you go and toss some searing-hot jealousy on top of all this? Only to make you feel like the four letter word that begins with "s" and ends with a "t"!!! Get a grip, girlfriend!
Now think about it. Who's fault is it you wouldn't let-go, and kept taking him back? How many times do you recycle the same old broken-down worn-out boyfriend?
On and off? Seriously?!! How many times does it have to break before you realize you can't fix it??? Look at all the time you're wasting!
I got over it. You will too. I didn't waste any precious time stewing in my juices.
Ten years??? Woman, what's wrong with you?
Okay, it is what it is! You first have to get over the shock; and then you've got to regain your pride. In my case, we didn't even fight or have any disagreements. I just reached my expiration-date, and that was it! I was told I deserved better. It took a few years, but I did meet someone better...100X better! I was content with being single, independent, and happy! Love came looking for me; so I took let him in!
Stop stalking him on social media. Mind your own business! Don't dump salt on your own wounds by spying on their activities. Make your friends keep their gossip and investigative news reports to themselves. You just need time to adjust to the reality.
He found somebody else to marry, get pregnant, and divorce in a couple of years! In truth, I hope he has found happiness. You should too!
He wasn't meant for you. You weren't meant for him.
Just between you and me, that must have been one hell of a world-wind romance! Unless she was always on the sidelines; or in the shadows all along. I assume that was the case for me. Only two months later?!! I haven't looked back sense. Haven't seen nor heard from him in years! Don't care to!
I've sense found real-love, but it happened unexpectedly. I was content with my freedom, but someone wonderful just walked into my life.
Don't study and focus on his business. Don't place the power over your emotions in the hands of other people. Control your jealousy; or it will control you! That's the toxicity pulsing through your bloodstream, and it's making you sick.
Let it go. Move on, girlfriend! After a bit...hopefully, it'll sink-in and piss you off! You said it was on and off. That means it was a hot mess; and you wasted 10 years of your life, screwing-around with somebody who was meant for somebody else.
Get-over him! Stop being a soap opera drama-queen! They're getting on with their lives; and you're wallowing and stewing in your jealousy. It will end when you decide you're tired of feeling sorry for yourself; and remember why you broke-up over and over again.
Ten years? Really?!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (13 October 2020):
 I love that sock analogy.
The reason he finally dumped you and jumped straight into getting engaged 6 months after you two broke up was because what you had for 10 years WAS NOT what he really wanted.
He might even have known HER longer than you know.
If your relationship was on/off it wasn't healthy. It was likely NEVER going to be healthy. He might have seen that and FINALLY done the right thing in ending it for good.
You threw yourself into partying so carelessly maybe because you thought HE might come back? And while he was away YOU could at least have some fun and be carefree.
Be glad he found his sock. Now work on finding yours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2020): Firstly, you are an amazing human and you will get through this. Honestly, I am in awe of people who come out of long term relationships and don't crumble into a pile on the floor, I get sad after a 3 month relationship ending so you are doing far better than I would. Secondly, never ever think there was something wrong with you. You are good enough and although it's heartbreaking because you thought he was the one, there will be others out there. I l know its impossible to think like that now but trust me, you deserve someone who thinks the world of you and knows without a doubt they want to marry you and spend their life with you. You are doing all the right things but please be kind to yourself, it's only been 6 months. It could take a year, maybe more before you start to feel you are moving on, and that's absolutely fine. Its such a cliche but time really doe heal everything. You may have days where you feel great and then have a whole week of feeling heartbroken again but those days of feeling good will happen more and more often. As for your ex getting engaged after 6 months, is that relationship really going to last? It sounds to me like she's a rebound. Male's are far more likely to rush into a new relationship that women because they aren't so great at dealing with the emotional side of things and in the long run this probably isn't the healthiest thing to do. My advice to you is to continue what you are doing, keep busy, make plans for the weekend, see your friends and family but accept that it probably will be a long road to feeling totally happy again and it won't happen over night. I'd probably advise against rushing into dating anytime soon and just learn to be happy on your own. Keep your chin up and you will get through this!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (12 October 2020):
 You say you are doing all of the right things already so I'll not focus on things to DO, but rather about ways to think.
First, the relationship was not as long term as you think it was. The relationship was always on and off. The relationship was not building to something over time, it was just a comfortable place to visit when he wasn't busy somewhere else. You need to understand where you were before you can answer those hard questions about how you got here.
Next I want to discuss two questions you asked yourself. "Why wasn't I the one?" & "Why wasn't I good enough?". When you understand these questions together your "why did he?" questions will all fall in line. So let's start here. Why wasn't I the one? Why does he wear argyle socks instead of striped socks? It's that simple? you just weren't the right fit for him. No matter how much you wanted to be argyle, you were a stripe. And there is nothing wrong with stripes of any stripe. The chemistry, the personality, the dimple in your cheek, the million little things that just didn't quite fit right. You weren't the one, because you weren't the one. (and I do Not believe there is only one).
In life there are millions of people who can be your friends. They only have to get along well with you for a limited amount of time. But when it comes to marriage you have to be a better fit. you will be more together and longer together than any other relationship. you two were on again and off again because you could not always be on. You know that by your own experience.
Now lets move up to the hurting question. The question you ask of yourself when it hurts so badly. "Why wasn't I good enough?" This question is harder because you have to accept some things about yourself that you don't want to accept. The first thing you need to accept is that there is nothing wrong with you. You did not do something that hurt him. In Fact You are Good enough. And he knows it. But you don't believe it. Can you accept that you are good enough? OK, I'll tell you, you are the best striped sock in the drawer. But you are not an argyle sock. And that's all right.
I've written an answer to your question that is way too long and I hope you aren't sitting there wondering why I am telling you that you are a sock. I'm so sorry that you have spent so much time in an on and off relationship that failed in the end. I do hope, and advise you strongly, that you understand what a truly unique and great person you are. That is the way you can find a man of your stripe.
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