A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship for a few years and recently went through some personal troubles. Things are slowly getting better however I have not been speaking with my gf as much, mostly because I avoid my troubles rather than be vocal. We text daily but due to our different routines it can be difficult. Nothing has changed for me however I just found out she has been speaking to other guys. I asked if they hit on her, she said it was normal convo. There’s also this one guy she speaks to every day. She said it’s nothing out of the ordinary. This really hurt although I didn’t say anything. In my head I had flashbacks of when she told me the day before she doesn’t feel the same. And I said we will work on it, and she said she still loved me. Is she slowly letting me know something? I really want to know about this convo she is having. But I don’t want to intrude. I mean she is loyal, always has been, wouldn’t speak to any guys. I can understand perhaps it’s been quiet from my side by I have already explained this. My medication has had some affects which I also also explained. Soon it will be over and hopefully I will return to full health. But I feel like I don’t have that time. She also did say the damage is done. And also she’s not sure if it can be fixed. But at the same time...only I can. I mean is she wishing she loved me? Is that what she means? I thought I was there for her, but after today I’m not so sure.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2020): You sound like a nice person but you seem to think that if you ignore problems and just sweep them under the carpet everything just goes back to how you would like it to be. With relationships and women it often goes the other way and gets worse.One of my friends had a guy where they would struggle emotionally and they would need to talk seriously but he would go all quiet and then he would try to put it off and suggest that yes they talk soon, yes they get together specially to talk in four days time. And then when they got together in four days time he would try to avoid it and pretend he forgot - or really had forgot - which is even worse - and try to act as if the whole thing had never happened.To my friend this got boring, it meant he broke promises, was not really interested, did not take it seriously and most of all did not care how she felt and took her for granted.Bit by bit this happened and then she ended it and he acted very hurt and surprised, but he had brought it on himself.Women need commitment whether that is in one way or the other, they hate it when things are left in the air, when there are worries, especially when it looks as if the man is causing it and could have prevented it. Life is too short to tread water in the hope that a guy wises up in a year.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2020): [EDIT]: Typo corrections
"We live in a age where patience is rare, if not nonexistent."
"They want and need a true-to-life flow of nurturing-emotion, affection, intimacy, and reciprocity; everything that keeps the relationship alive."
"You have to justify the continuation of your commitment to a person."
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2020): You've admitted there's been some disconnect between you and your girlfriend. You're obviously dealing with some mental-health issues; and it seems that covid-confinement and a toxic political-environment has only intensified anxiety and gloom that already debilitates those suffering mental-health issues. It's taking its toll on everybody! People on furlough, or extended periods of unemployment; and a constant flow of disinformation, misinformation, and flat-out lies! We have to hang-in there; some things just take time to change or fix. We live in a age where patience is rate, if not nonexistent. We have other daily problems to deal with unrelated to the pandemic, because it is not the only thing we're dealing with in our lives. People seem to be losing it!
Depression and anxiety-disorder tends to cause people to withdraw and isolate from those things difficult to cope with; plus there are definitely side-effects from medication to take into consideration. Sometimes it seems the medication makes people worse before it makes them better. You might need to seek a second-opinion from another highly-qualified mental-health professional; when you've been seeing a doctor for sometime, and you notice little or no improvement. Just taking medications and feeling doped all the time is hardly helping or improving. You might need to do your research, and seek a psychiatrist or psychologist who specializes in your particular diagnosis. Maybe a totally different program of treatment may seem more effective. Provided you follow doctor's orders!
Now about your girlfriend. If you've been having bouts with depression, and other issues, for a long-time; it can be a strain on a relationship. Then there's the usual relationship-problems unrelated to illness. Strained communication, incompatibility problems, and stagnation in the relationship due to long-term issues that never seem to reach any solution. Unresolved problems that stack-up, and grow stale; but just get pushed aside. Either in avoidance, or having no clue what to do about them.
Many times OP's come to DC explaining how they're dealing with their issues; while their relationships suffer. The greatest problem it seems to me is the fact they tell us here more than they communicate to their significant other. You have to also see it from their perspective; where they have to wait and deal with the avoidance and absence of their partners. Not to mention mental-illness is difficult to understand; and human patience isn't endless.
With physical-illness your doctor can offer a reasonable prognosis that gives you some idea of how you can expect to progress; or if you may have to expect your disease to deteriorate, depending on the malady. Mental-illness is mostly wait and see. Sometimes it's very difficult for the therapist to tell you how long a recovery will take; or how effective a particular mode of therapy is. It may take several different medications, in combination with counseling; to see any progress. It also depends on how cooperative and committed the patient is to their therapy. Most people have reached a very advanced-stage in their mental-disorder before seeking treatment; so it could require time for their doctors to find an effective treatment.
Like any chronic-illness, people just start to lose hope; or tire of waiting for improvement. There is natural frustration dealing with the symptoms and ill-effects of any particular disorder.
Pulling-away and leaving your mate hanging without communication is the most detrimental behavior anyone can endure. Especially, when the couple are young, vigorous, and outgoing people. It's difficult to reconstruct your personality to adapt to being ignored, shutout, and dealing with silence. Always dealing with emotional-distancing and being closed-off from your romantic-partner.
You can continuously claim how much you love a person; but they have to be able to experience the actuality beyond your words. The want and need a true-to-life flow of nurturing-emotion, affection, intimacy, and reciprocity; everything that keeps the relationship alive. She's compensating for the loneliness; and only she can tell you what's going on in her mind. You suspect she's cheating. Owe some of it to your distancing and isolation; which might have attributed to her seeking attention from other men. We can only speculate at the risk of upsetting you further; and that's not fair to you, or her. YOU have to talk to HER! Your silence and withdrawal is part of the problem. Then you have to be adult enough to deal with the realities. You cannot run from life or the truth. You have to face it. Her patience may not last as long as it takes for your recovery. If she has been standing by you all along, account for weaknesses of her human-nature. She is a woman with needs. Not saying she is seeking them elsewhere or unfaithful; but she needs male-companionship, which could be lacking in the relationship. Whether she's up to no-good; you still don't know all the facts.
You can promise to do better, but she can only believe what materializes in reality. Promises are not enough. She's human, and she gets lonely. She has to keep herself stimulated and entertained by whatever suits her needs. Just as you would; if the shoe was on the other foot. She has to assess the pros and cons of the relationship; as you have to, while maintaining a monogamous romantic-relationship. You have to justify the continuous of your commitment to a person. You have to test the the soundness and durability of your committed-relationship. Establish whether it is fulfilling, or just stagnating. She has to know that there's something in it for her after investing so much? Has it run it's course? How much are her needs being met...is it to a satisfying degree? She can't be totally honest about everything she's feeling; because she knows you'll take it all hard, and that will cause you more harm than good. She'll be protective to some degree; but she also has to look-out for herself. If you've been leaving her waiting and waiting in silence; it's not entirely her fault the relationship seems strained or changing. If you're not an open and communicative type of person; you're expecting quite a lot, considering the circumstances.
If you don't know the dynamics of the communications or her intentions; then you're left to guessing, suspicion, and drawing conclusions based on a deficiency of facts. You're holding-back in fear of what those facts might be, and you're growing anxious of the unknown.
Until you are strong enough to have a deep and intimate conversation about where you stand. I think you need to closely consult with your doctor(s); to determine if and when dealing with heavy-topics won't be too risky for your mental-health, or might cause relapse. Reassure her frequently that you are hard at work on your recovery and healing; meanwhile, she is constantly on your mind. If you're silent, that isn't very reassuring. She's too young for that; if she's within your age-group! Remember, she has been dealing with this for years. We grow weary from stress and loss of patience over time. It's only human. She has to lookout for her future; and she also has feelings. She's not a robot.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (12 October 2020):
 Yes she is letting you down softly. One of the more nefarious relationship habits.
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