A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I want my boyfriend to take better care of himself when it comes to hygiene and clothing. I don't think I'm asking for too much: I would like him to brush his teeth twice a day, I would like him to shower and wash his face once a day, I would like him to wash his hair with shampoo every once and a while, I would like him to get a maintenance haircut every few months (His hair is past his shoulders) I would like him to wear clothes and shoes that don't have large gaping holes in them (They're not the type of holes that are meant to be there.)It's been over a year, and thing have definitely been improving (He has started to use face and body wash, yay!) but he still wears clothes with gaping holes in them. I have done my best to be gentle, I'm the one who sews up all the holes in his pants and shirts whenever he gets any.Recently, it's been worse. There are holes in his pants I just can't fix anymore, and when I try they rip open again within the week. His two pairs of shoes are in absolute tatters, to the point they don't keep water, snow, or dirt out of them. (We are in Chicago.) He refuses to buy new pants, and throw out the ones that has holes in them. (I don't know if he has a single pair of casual pants without at least a single hole in them.I've been trying to get him to buy new shoes for a month. He said he would eventually, but has not. Today, He agreed to let me take him to a used clothing store today to look for a new pair of shoes. And he tried a few on that looked really nice, and he admitted they were comfortable and sturdy and looked good, but then he refused to buy anything. I know it wasn't because of the money because they were relatively cheap, and also I would've been more than happy to pay for them. He spends tons of money on video games and taking me out to nice dinners, but I really just want him to spend money on himself. He just said "Nothing stood out to me." And at that I stared at the completely destroyed tattered shoes on his feet in utter disbelief.How do I tell him how important this is to me that he's able to take care of himself (in terms of hygiene and wearing clothes that aren't falling to pieces) without my help? I've already told him very upfront, "I really need you to show me that you can take care of yourself, that means not wearing clothes with holes and being relatively hygienic." He responds with, "I can take care of myself, just not to your standards." But I really don't think my standards are very high.I'm starting to feel offended, because sometimes I dress up and try my best to look nice for him (I am really not a dress up sort of girl either) but he doesn't even bother to buy a new pair of shoes for himself. I really care about him, and I don't want this to be the deciding factor to our relationship. But at the same time I wonder if he can't take care of himself, how could he ever take care of me in the future? Are these legitimate concerns? What should I do?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 February 2016):
 I know a man who has very specific personal hygiene standards. (He's the brother of a friend of mine, FWIW) He can't function well unless daily rituals are followed. He won't pick up change that falls out of his pockets, that are full of holes because he hasn't purchased a pair of pants for probably 20 years. You'd think a guy with OCD-like tendencies would have good hygiene but he hasn't washed a sweater or a pair of his pants in years. He does bathe but only on specified days.
He's enabled by his mother who also seems to have OCD tendencies.
I would stop fixing his pants. If they fall to bits then eventually he'll have to buy new ones. If he winds up barefoot in Chicago's streets in February, well, maybe frostbite will convince him that it's okay to buy a new or used pair of shoes.
There's no way to convince someone with this type of disorder to change their routine unless they are willing to accept there is an issue.
The brother is a very smart guy with a great sense of humor. He's warm and interesting. He also can't eat a meal without ritualistic behaviors. He's paying for an apartment he hasn't been to in 5 years. He can't drive a car. He takes 3 buses to get his hair cut because that's the only way he can get to the barber shop.
I personally would probably wish him a sad goodbye as the problem will only intensify as he grows older and more grooved in his rituals.
It's sad.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 February 2016):
 You are not his mother. Your demands are unreasonable. As adults, you either take it or leave it. If he is not good enough for you, as he is, then you must end the relationship.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 February 2016):
 Q. "Is it too much to expect him to do the same for me?"
A. Yes. This isn't a tit-for-tat situation. What you did, to "change" (for him?), was a choice that YOU made. It is not, then, incumbent upon HIM to make what you consider an equal change.
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 February 2016):
 It was YOUR choice to change to athletic OP. You didn't have to. You can't expect him to do something JUST because YOU did it. That's NOT how real life works.
I asked my husband to stop drinking. He did. I do not have to do ANYTHING to "pay him back" for it. He made a choice based on his options (stop drinking or I'm leaving)
now I'm not saying "clean up and dress better or I'm leaving" is an option as his behavior is not affecting YOUR health (my husband beat me when he was drinking)
How can a man who doesn't quite "hit the mark" as a regular functioning person be "far above your standards" for a boyfriend... that makes NO sense at all. IN other words your standards for a boyfriend are lower than what you expect for a regular functioning person.
You can try. How would you implement this?
"boyfriend you need to be bathed and properly dressed or we are not going out"
then when he does not shower do you not go see him?
when he is not dressed properly do you cancel the date and go home?
HOW will you police this will you pick his clothes and bathe him?
I nag my disabled 31 year old child about dressing and bathing but not my husband.
IF he's so spectacular and wonderful as a boyfriend, then let this go and choose your battles carefully.
However I am sure it will bother you more and more over time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2016): Oh a transformation!!! Buy things for him. Nudge! Don't let it bother you!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2016): Girlfriend...you need a new boyfriend! It's not your responsibility to pick someone who's a bum, and decide you are going to transform him into someone else. Your long post about him makes very little sense. He's a hot mess! It's totally illogical that you want to be with someone who's unclean, unkempt, and trifling. Someone requiring a hose and a bucket of Lysol disinfectant!
Use some common-sense. If he is everything but what you want in a guy, dump him! Go find someone you don't have to change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2016): OP - Hi guys, thanks so much for responding. I really appreciate the different perspectives.I want to clarify, we're both in our second year of college. He has basic job that gives him enough spending money for video games and nice dinners. I also really do love him and I really have the best intentions for him. For a boyfriend, he is far above my standards. For a regular functioning person, he doesn't quite hit the mark. I'm not trying to make his life harder, I think that all these things I'm suggesting will make both of our lives better on a whole.I'm also not the only one who has asked the other to change. For instance, he's rather athletic, and he told me he would like it if I was more athletic. So I took the time to join an intensive club sport. Now I work out with the team, and go to practice regularly. It was difficult to adapt to, but now that I'm used to it, I'm really happy I made this change. It has had a positive impact on my self-esteem, and I'm really happy he pressured me into it (Even though I was reluctant at first). Is it too much to expect him to do the same for me?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 February 2016):
So, what you're REALLY saying.... is that this "boyfriend" doesn't fit in to your mold of who you want for a boyfriend..... no?
Why not just part ways with him?... let him go on with HIS life, as he wishes.... whilest you go on with YOUR life... perhaps with a boyfriend who is more in keeping with your expectations of a boyfriend?....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 February 2016):
 Your BF is right. He IS capable of taking care of himself. BUT not up to your (and the average person's standards).
And like SVC pointed out... YOU wouldn't LOWER yours to fit his, would you? Do why do you expect him to change his to fit yours?
My guess is your BF doesn't have a job and thus have NO REAL reason for taking better care of his hygiene.
Why isn't he working?
And how can he afford the video games and "nice" dinners without an income?
THIS SLOB of a man is WHO he is. And you can either be frustrated with it or accept it.
You are asking if he can't be hygienic to MY standard how can he take care of me in the future? Well... he might not WANT to take care of you. He might be perfectly happy with his sloppy self. And he might NOT be the guy for you.
Personally, I could not date someone who has such a low standard of hygiene. Because it spills over in other aspects of life. Not keeping their place clean, not washing sheets, not being very organized overall. And then of course there is work. What kind of place would hire someone looking and well, smelling like him? There is no room for a sloppy guy when it comes to promotion.
What you are expecting of him are BASIC hygiene. Like brushing your teeth twice daily. How do you even kiss this guy, let alone be intimate with him? And not be grossed out?
It really comes down to whether you can ACCEPT him as he is, or if it's time for you to move on and find someone who has his "stuff" together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2016): I don't shower every day either (every couple of days or if im particularly filthy) i also wear clothes with holes in and will continue to wear an old pair of boots until they are falling apart. I had one pair held together with tape. I only replaced when i was bought a new pair as a gift by my bf. I still have the old pair though god knows why. This is just the way i am i work outside in dirty conditions so i simply have no interest and can't be bothered to spend money on clothes when i have ones that are still functional. I tend to wear new things when they are bought as gifts.i actually quite like being bought some nice new clothes etc esp if its an item particular type i really wanted and use them straight away (but honestly they end up filthy and damaged in 5mins) this is just the way i am. I can make an effort if a fuss is made or for a special occasion but i always revert back to my scruffy ways. I had the same bra for years with holes in as it was so comfortable i never replaced it until it literally fell apart lol Sometimes you just have to accept people for who they are and if its a deal breaker for you move on
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 February 2016):
Sadly you can't mandate that a person up their level of hygiene and dress to please your needs and ignore theirs.
IF he said to you "come to my level of dress and hygiene" you would laugh in his face and say "no way" well that's basically what he's saying to you.
He wants what he wants and he's just being very passive aggressive about it.
He's not going to be what you want and you are trying to make him become the man you want him to be.
IF you can't love and accept him where he is, then it's best if you end it. You will always be wanting him to up his game, he will always be feeling pressure to be better than he is.
in the long run it's not going to work since you don't love him or want him where he is you are trying to change him and that never works.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2016): Maybe his financial situation has changed without telling you and what money he does have, he'd rather spend on you and his hobbies?It's a sensitive issue. I've gone through a similar sort of thing where my boyfriend has bad skin on his face. So I went and bought him face cream, and made him use it!I think the best plan of action here, would be to just buy things for him. For hygiene products, give them to him and say "These were on offer, have this I won't use it"And with clothes just give them to him and say "I saw these and thought you'd really like them" and he can't be mad at you because you're just buying him gifts! Maybe this will encourage him to look after himself, he might wake up one day and be like "Actually, I like feeling clean and wearing nice clothes" and start doing it for himself.
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