A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok. Being at age 33 I have learned that what I have done with my life just isn't enough. I have a decent job that I love helping people. I make decent money. After having been broken up for months with the same kind of women that I have dated for ever I have done a ton of soul searching and restructuring of who I am. I would end up dating the women who needs fixed and taken care of. Once they feel better I am no longer needed because I was a tool for them.... One of the things I have learned is that I am antisocial. Today is a perfect example. I had an opportunity to go do paintball with coworkers all afternoon. Unfortunately, my personality at work is entirely different than my personality when not at work. I work with mainly women in a hospital. I am terrible at making friends. I don't go out a lot outside of work. It's hard in that I derive a lot of satisfaction from my job. I enjoy hanging out with my friends. I get invited to coworkers get togethers and I usually don't go out of fear. Its like my friends and I are a lower class than that of my coworkers. I am happy with myself but finding a way to combine both seems very difficult. Does any one have any suggestions?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 July 2011):
 You usually don't go to social event out of fear? Fear of what? Find out what you are afraid of and whether or not these are actual things to be afraid of. Will you lose your job? Will the house catch on fire? What could happen that is so horrible that you better stay at home? You might be bored, I think that's the worst that could happen. Then again the benefits of going by far outweigh the possible negatives, just think about it and you'll see.
As for the ladies you date. I gotcha. Have the same problem. I appear to be attracted to men who are a fixer upper, who need me, and I feel wanted, needed, like they'd be lost without me. Why this happens I don't know. I am unable to see this about a person until I am actually with them, and to one degree or the other you always want to be of "use" in your partners life. If they've got it all settled and done, then why would they need you, you might think. And then you'd start to wonder if you alone, without all the fixing you are capable of, is enough.
Maybe we need to both ask ourselves what we can give in a relationship despite helping, fixing, sorting out and building up. And then go for partners who don't need anything else but these exact things (like making them laugh, never run errands, but offering a good conversation and companionship for example. I need to think about this one myself).
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 July 2011):
 hi Interesting terminology, which I will try to get my head around. Please let me know if I have mis-understood anything along the way?
So you have a good job, at the hospital. Your co-workers like you and respect you. They invite you to socialise with them. Believe me if they did not like and respect you then you would not get an invite. So a range of nice well educated kind people who work in a hospital think you would be good company?
And you write well.
So you can add me to the list of people who think you are OK too.
But you feel that you are one persona at work, but that you are not really as socially on the same level as those good kind people who you work with, and who respect you?
Hmmmm? Sounds like the people you work with DO think you would fit in well with them. Sounds like the people at work DO accept you as a nice guy to be around.
You working in a 'helping' profession. So you like reaching out to be kind and helpful and caring in your private life. That is OK, up to a point.
And keep being kind and good and helpful to others.
But do you shy away from social relationships with people who already have got their act together? And who do not need your help? But do want just your friendship - just like your work colleagues do just want your friendship?
Is it that you need to be useful?
Does that mean that your needs are secondary?
Because your needs are Very Important too.
Not sure what this 'lower class' thing means. Is it good education versus not good education? Is it poorer versus more financially settled? Is it risky behavior versus safe behavior that will keep you out of harm? Is it people with good intentions like you, versus selfish people who disappoint others? Is it intelligent well spoken people who have made good like choices, like you, versus people who have not made as good life choices?
I do hope it is NOT superior smug self satisfied well educated snobs versus people who were born on the wrong side of the tracks, who are hard working yet humble and not well educated. But who also good people, who sadly have not had good opportunities. But who behave well, and are respected.
Because i would give no stars to snobs.
And five stars to good hardworking people who are kind to others and who behave respectfully towards others.
I would encourage you to try socializing with your co-workers. You have nothung to lose except, perhaps, your mis-conceptions about 'class' and 'power' in society.
Which brings me to the girl friend issue. When you socialize do your eyes scan the room, on the look-out for someone who needs help? Needs to get their life on track?
And escape that difficult world? Just like you escaped it?
You cannot save everyone.
And when you get to meet the well educated, kind, respectfull girl during tha who has her life together, just like you?
And who wants a shared Equitable relationship?
Are you worthy of a relationship where the two of you are on the same level. A five star rating indeed.
I think you are worthy of a relationship like that.
If you love helping those in need then join a volunteer group where good things are achieved. And make friends with the other volunteers who, like you, are possibly also good and kind and cariing.
So far your relationships have not gone well.
These relationships were meant to end, as you were not the 'once'
You say you are different at work to how you are with your friends? We let our 'guard' down with friends if we we act one way at work (guarded?) and then are less inhibited with friends IF we somehow think we do not have permission be 'who we really are'. You are successful at work no doubt because you comply with all the requiements of being respectful, courteous, kind, caring, not racist, not obnoxious, not a bully, not sexist, not a misogynist, not judgmental, not homophobic, in a word: professional and worthy of your profession.
That's not a pretence, that is real, and that is who you are.
But some aspects you may not 'show' at work. Such as if your friends tolerate your corny jokes, or your talking very loud? I don't know, you know what you do that you think your colleagues at work may not like.
You have kept dating the 'same kind of women'?? And you find them, you help them, then they grow, move on in their life, and so don't need you anymore?
Surely it is important that you date a different type of girl?
Not yet.
I think it more important that you first accept who you are. Love all aspects of you. And give yourself permission to go for a girl whose life is on the same level as yours.
A girl who has her life together. A responsible nice kind girl who manages her finances well. Who has a responsible job. Who is respected and liked by others, just like you.
A girl who is on the same wave-length as you. She is the sort of girl you need, to make your life complete.
My best wishes to you for the furure,
Abella
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 July 2011):
hi Interesting terminology, which I will try to get my head around. Please let me know if I have mis-understood anything along the way?
So you have a good job, at the hospital. Your co-workers like you and respect you. They invite you to socialise with them. Believe me if they did not like and respect you then you would not get an invite. So a range of nice well educated kind people who work in a hospital think you would be good company?
And you write well.
So you can add me to the list of people who think you are OK too.
But you feel that you are one persona at work, but that you are not really as socially on the same level as those good kind people who you work with, and who respect you?
Hmmmm? Sounds like the people you work with DO think you would fit in well with them. Sounds like the people at work DO accept you as a nice guy to be around.
You working in a 'helping' profession. So you like reaching out to be kind and helpful and caring in your private life. That is OK, up to a point.
And keep being kind and good and helpful to others.
But do you shy away from social relationships with people who already have got their act together? And who do not need your help? But do want just your friendship - just like your work colleagues do just want your friendship?
Is it that you need to be useful?
Does that mean that your needs are secondary?
Because your needs are Very Important too.
Not sure what this 'lower class' thing means. Is it good education versus not good education? Is it poorer versus more financially settled? Is it risky behavior versus safe behavior that will keep you out of harm? Is it people with good intentions like you, versus selfish people who disappoint others? Is it intelligent well spoken people who have made good like choices, like you, versus people who have not made as good life choices?
I do hope it is NOT superior smug self satisfied well educated snobs versus people who were born on the wrong side of the tracks, who are hard working yet humble and not well educated. But who also good people, who sadly have not had good opportunities. But who behave well, and are respected.
Because i would give no stars to snobs.
And five stars to good hardworking people who are kind to others and who behave respectfully towards others.
I would encourage you to try socializing with your co-workers. You have nothung to lose except, perhaps, your mis-conceptions about 'class' and 'power' in society.
Which brings me to the girl friend issue. When you socialize do your eyes scan the room, on the look-out for someone who needs help? Needs to get their life on track?
And escape that difficult world? Just like you escaped it?
You cannot save everyone.
And when you get to meet the well educated, kind, respectfull girl during tha who has her life together, just like you?
And who wants a shared Equitable relationship?
Are you worthy of a relationship where the two of you are on the same level. A five star rating indeed.
I think you are worthy of a relationship like that.
If you love helping those in need then join a volunteer group where good things are achieved. And make friends with the other volunteers who, like you, are possibly also good and kind and cariing.
So far your relationships have not gone well.
These relationships were meant to end, as you were not the 'once'
You say you are different at work to how you are with your friends? We let our 'guard' down with friends if we we act one way at work (guarded?) and then are less inhibited with friends IF we somehow think we do not have permission be 'who we really are'. You are successful at work no doubt because you comply with all the requiements of being respectful, courteous, kind, caring, not racist, not obnoxious, not a bully, not sexist, not a misogynist, not judgmental, not homophobic, in a word: professional and worthy of your profession.
That's not a pretence, that is real, and that is who you are.
But some aspects you may not 'show' at work. Such as if your friends tolerate your corny jokes, or your talking very loud? I don't know, you know what you do that you think your colleagues at work may not like.
You have kept dating the 'same kind of women'?? And you find them, you help them, then they grow, move on in their life, and so don't need you anymore?
Surely it is important that you date a different type of girl?
Not yet.
I think it more important that you first accept who you are. Love all aspects of you. And give yourself permission to go for a girl whose life is on the same level as yours.
A girl who has her life together. A responsible nice kind girl who manages her finances well. Who has a responsible job. Who is respected and liked by others, just like you.
A girl who is on the same wave-length as you. She is the sort of girl you need, to make your life complete.
My best wishes to you for the furure,
Abella
...............................
A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (16 July 2011):
 There is a great book called Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers. Fear is always always worse than reality. You need to feel the fear and do it anyway. Next time your coworkers invite you somewhere acknowledge to yourself that you are scared but don't give yourself the option of pulling out. No matter what happens YOU GO! If you keep pulling out of these invites people will stop asking you. Embrace the fact that they want you there.
There's another great saying you need to make as part of your mantra and that is Fake it until you Make it. You have managed to create a work persona for yourself that is vastly different from your home personality and you have done that by faking it until you make it. Carry on this attitude outside of work and you will soon find that this is the way you like to be. Your brain is a complex thing but it's easy to trick it. Tell yourself you are a certain kind of person for long enough and your brain will find ways to prove it.
In regards to your needing to find women who need to be fixed issue. This is most likely related to your childhood. I bet you were the soother and peacemaker in your family. This worked well for you so you have contined to repeat it in life. Have courage and look for a confident happy woman to date.
I suspect you are not as antisocial as you think you are and this is evidenced by the fact that your coworkers want you to come with them to out of work events. Your confidence in yourself is what makes you think you are antisocial.
All the best hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, Fate100percent  +, writes (16 July 2011):
You shouldn't put yourself down so. Your co-workers invited you out, so they obviously enjoy your company. What do you mean by 'lower class' exactly?
Are your co-workers doctors? Even if they are we all go the toilet, cry if hurt, eat when hungry etc etc! Perhaps you could suggest a venue/night out with them that you feel comfortable with? Pizza, drink, cinema, etc.
I think we are all the same (there will always be someone richer, smarter or prettier than you, but basically we are all the same. You should just treat people like they treat you) :-)
As for women, maybe you just need to cast the net a bit wider, and give your 'not usual types' a chance? x
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (16 July 2011):
 You are clearly conflicted and some of the things you say appear contradictory. Perhaps you are simply an intravert. That doesn't mean you don't like people. It just means you can only take them for so long and then you need time to absorb and process what has gone on.
As for picking the wrong women do you pick the ones who need fixing because they are needy and too ready to fall for you? Perhaps if you take the dating process slower you can better assess if your next woman is worth your emotional energy.
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