A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid, I just had a feeling that I should do a search for some reason. I didn't know this about my brother-in-law but I just thought I would do a search for his name and he comes up as a registered child offender. Now my sister and I led a VERY sheltered life and she married him wnen they were both young in the 1980's right out of high school. I got married 3 years ago and I asked them both to take part in our wedding and they did. She has to know about it and chose not to say anything. I am kinda P.Oed that she did not tell the rest of the family and allowed him to take part in our wedding. Now me and my wife have to look at pictures of our wedding with him in them for the rest of our lives. If I would have known all of that he would have not even been invited. I knew he cheated on my sister early in their marriage but I didn't know that he was a child offender. Help cupid! I just don't know how to go on loving my sister knowing that she allowed all of this for the past 8 years and continues to live in denial.
View related questions:
wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): Did you see the girl flirting with your bil, or did someone else tell you about it? I find it hard to believe that a 15-year-old would flirt with a man in his 40s. That's enough of an age difference that he could be her father!
Pedophiles often insist that the victim started everything. If she really was flirting with him then I'd be willing to bet that she's been sexually abused, by him or by the uncle who called her a lolita.
Talk to your sister, and after that to your parents, and let them know what you've discovered. This guy cannot be around any of the children in your family.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): Dear cupid,I don't know what made me look online for him. maybe because I was talking to my sister and she mentiond about going to counciling but she didn't say for what.It is suggested as per info online that Brother in law serve a 5 years but further down the page it was listed that he was to serve 9months. But they don't have a start date listed online of when that was to take place. they have community supervision listed. yes I see that he was in trouble with a new resraining order for harrasment against a 22 yo female just this past month. At a family function in 2007 he was asking a 15 y.o girl (who looks like she is in her 20's) if she enjoyed dating men that were older and told her she was pretty. It has been brought to my knowlage that the 15 y.o. was flirting back with him. Her uncle told us that she is lolita trouble maker. So what are your thoughts cupid?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): If she knows and is willing to look past, or reasonably believes him to be innocent or remorseful and worthy of her forgiveness after having served the time allotted to him by the courts then there is little you can do.If you don't wish to associate with him, that's your choice to make. But your sister does and you cannot make the choice for her.It could very well be he changed. People CAN do that. It isn't easy and most people don't... but it isn't entirely out of the realm of possibility. Have you ANY proof this man has re-offended in any way?But you NEED to seek out your sister for this. Not strangers on the internet. If she has trully been in a relationship without knowing of his past and what he is capable of at his worst, then she only knows part of what she married.Flynn 24
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): Didn't your brother-in-law go to prison after being convicted?
If he received probation or a suspended sentence of some kind, it's possible that he convinced your sister that he's innocent of the charges in spite of the verdict. Pedophiles can be very convincing, and if you & your sister were sheltered growing up she may find it hard to believe that he could be guilty.
I'd talk to your sister and let her know how much having a child molester in the family upsets you. I wouldn't dwell on the wedding pictures, though. That's an emotional topic and bringing it up could cause the conversation to go off on a tangent. Instead, I'd talk about the practicalities -- how you worry that he may have molested your nieces and nephews (if your sister & her husband have children) and that he cannot be around any of the other children in the family (including any of his grandchildren!). Most child molesters are not allowed to be around children as part of their sentences, and you should be able to find that out pretty easily.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): TALK to your sister.
You keep saying that you two had a sheltered life,that she married straight from school,her first boyfriend. So perhaps she is still niaive, or maybe trapped and unhappy in the relationship,until you have the facts, don't judge her.
You decided to do a search on him, after all these years he's been with your sister...so something must have triggered it, his behaviour or a comment...but not till now..whats bought this on?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): Cupid, 8 years ago He was conviced for having relations with someone who is under 13 y.o while married He is 45 and the youth would have been under the age of 13. Yes he is a convicted child sex offender. there is a mugshot of him online and everything. So yes I have the right guy. He and my sister got married in the 1980's right out of high school. We lived a very sheltered life growing up. My sister married the first guy she ever dated.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 March 2012):
 Well was he convicted of Sexual child predatory behavior? is that what you mean? was it done AFTER she married him? why was it not mentioned then to the family?
My former brother in law was 18 and he had sex with a girl who was 12 when she said she was 16 (he was stupid enough to believe her that's on him)... he was convicted of child sexual abuse and is a registered sexual offender of children but the fact is, that he is not a child predator he was merely caught with VERY bad judgment and a young lady who lied to him that he was stupid enough to believe.
I would really need way more info from you to determine what's REALLY going on.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 March 2012):
 Do you know what category he is? Was he perhaps "caught" and punished for dating someone younger then him? Or did he hurt/molest children?
There is a HUGE difference. Statutory rape charges against an 18 year old man who dated and had sex with a 15-16 year old girl will land a guy on the sexual offenders list. Even if SHE was willing and able.
I would honestly, talk to your sister and find out the TRUE story. This is your sister after all. And don't assume she knows.
Now if it turns out he is a child molester you have my blessing to hate him and never see him again.!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): I don't get why you felt the need to do research on your Brother-in-law? Its not something that would enter my head for a second. Did he do something to arouse your suspicians?
Do you mean he is a registered Sex offender - re children?
I would talk to your sister, alone, it could be she DOESN'T know anything about it. If she does - well - listen to her side first before you jump to conclusions or make rash choices.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): First of all, do double check you have the correct person. You say she `allowed` this for the past 8 years. Is that when he was put on the register? And was it for child sex offences? Because it is not too clear if he offended as a child or he is a child sex offender. If he is the latter, he might have told her a pack of lies about the incident or incidents. And she has decided to live in denial and believe him rather than the court. Talk to her and find out what is going on but try not to get angry or she will probably just refuse to talk to discuss it. She is also a victim in some ways, she is not an offender. So you will gain more by being sympathetic rather than judgemental and angry. As for your wedding pictures, you can have them photo shopped and his image removed.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): OP a registered child offender? Are you saying he was convicted of crimes as a kid? Or what?
Because if he's just a person who was convicted of committing crimes as a child then I don't see what the big deal is. We all get up to mischief when we're kids, most of us did pretty stupid things as kids maybe not been convicted of any crimes but still irresponsible stupid stuff.
Here in Ireland a juvenile criminal record gets wiped when someone turns 18. With good reason too, kids aren't as responsible for their actions as we adults because they don't understand the full gravity of their actions.
I don't see why you would make a big deal out of this, what exactly are his crimes? Theft, drug use?
As for you sister maybe she thought that kind of stuff was irrelevant, that he's not a criminal now and he shouldn't be judged on things he did as a kid.
"She has to know about it"
No she doesn't, there's nothing to say she knows that much detail about his past at all.
I think you're looking for someone to blame here OP, and your sister is it because you somehow feel duped and she must be at fault. Well maybe she isn't OP, maybe she didn't know and maybe she's not as quick to judge a person based on their actions as a kid.
...............................
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (7 March 2012):
 She no doubt didn't tell the family because she was ashamed and embarrassed. Perhaps she thought if she just kept quiet it would sort of go away and everyone could go on to have normal lives. Judging from the way you have described your lives, she was probably trying to protect all of you from knowing the painful truth she is living with every day. She is living under a huge cloud of shame and fear. Have you talked to your sister about this? How does she feel about it? Rather than condeming her, why not find a way to talk to her privately. But you cannot be judgemental or condescending. You have to be compassionate, God knows she's probably wanted to talk to someone for a long time but has kept quiet. I mean, how exactly did it happen? And what kind of future does she have to look forward to? Do they have kids? Has her husband gotten counseling for this problem? Does she worry every day that he'll slip up again? And how will she protect her children from being sexually exposed to him somehow? And how do you go into the future and have kids of your own someday without worrying about them being alone with him? These are things you need to discuss with her and allow her the chance to open up and unload this enormous burden on someone who will listen and care. She may even be a little bit in denial. Sometimes when kids have led a sheltered life, they want to retreat into the familiar and pretend the elephant is not really in the room. Be patient. Be kind. Be compassionate. And then learn what it's like to be in her shoes for a change. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (7 March 2012):
 Your sister has made her choice, she clearly loves this man and is sticking to him.
She obviously knew you'd all freak out thats why she never mentioned anything about her husbands past.
Its probably best to talk to your sister, admit what you did and now you know the truth.
Tell her how much her secret has hurt you and how it effects your feelings of trust about her.
Its understandable you are hurt, you trusted your sister.
- And she withheld information that is very important to know for your sake.
The pain may lessen with time,
but when you are ready speak to your sister.
If you feel there is no help in salvaging this relations its best you make your feelings known to your sister instead of avoiding it.
You love your sister, but she broke your trust.
Of course it will hurt and you feel bad towards her,
but my advice is talk to her, get this out in the open... no more drama or lies. Tell her your feelings. Dont hold your emotions in. Its not healthy.
You cant change the past, but you can do something now.
Hope this helps!
...............................
|
