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How can I fix this? I'm in a rocky LDR and I am catfishing another woman!

Tagged as: Cheating, Faded love, Gay relationships, Long distance, Online dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 August 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 22 August 2017)
A female age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi Aunts and Uncles.

I'll try and keep this short. I'm a 30 year old female in a longterm and longdistance same sex relationship. Since we moved apart about 8 months ago, things have become boring. When wectalk it's generally quite negative and when we are together there's very little intimacy or spark... it's as if everything has become so boring between us. I do love her and she is a fantastic person but I don't know how to get back on track with her.

To make matters worse, I created a fake profile on a dating site and things have be ome quite heated between me and another woman. I feel so bad for doing this. I feel bad for both women that I'm hurting...

Please advise me... I can't talk to anyone clise to me about all of this... and please try not to judge the situation... I know I've done wrong. But how can I fix this?

Thank you all x

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (22 August 2017):

Honeypie agony auntWish the woman you have been catfishing a good life, and LEAVE her alone.

It's not like you can't "help" yourself.

As for your LDR, if it's not working for you and there are no plans to live together in the same geographical area anytime soon, END your relationship. Your GF deserves better than what you are giving. And if she isn't fulfilling your needs, you probably aren't fulfilling hers either.

It sounds like you are not happy with how things are or where they are going. So why drag it out?

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (22 August 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntDistance is very difficult, so it's not surprising that it's not working. However, staying will only prolong it. You probably need to break up.

As for catfishing someone else, you need to grow up. It's not okay to play with people's feelings and lying about who you are is wrong, as you well know, so you end it before you really hurt someone.

Take some time to be single and date people local to you, not online, as you seem to have trouble sticking to appropriate boundaries online.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (22 August 2017):

I meant to say:

"Breakup, take a break for about a year; and then pursue a serious and committed-relationship. Doing it too soon will have the same outcome. You will end up cheating."

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (22 August 2017):

Breakup, take a break for about a year; and then pursue a serious and committed-relationships. Doing it to soon will have the same outcome. You will end up cheating.

You're not a bad person. You took on a type of relationship that you aren't built or designed for. You committed before your feelings for her were well-established and strong enough. Distance will strain the strongest or bonds between a couple.

If you have to be deceptive and create fake-profiles; you have an issues you need to work on. That's serious.

After breaking-up, take some down-time. Avoid forming relationships. If you're going to get into the habit of cheating and deception; it will become ingrained, or impulsive. Then you will not know how to maintain a trustworthy and durable bond with anybody. You will derive pleasure in predatory-behavior. Seeking out people and taking advantage of their vulnerabilities. They will form feelings for you based on a false-identity. You won't be able to reciprocate their feelings, and will hurt them.

Don't ask for advice and ask not to be judged. You need some straight-talk to help you. It takes judgement to formulate advice, and that means being direct in addressing the negative-behavior you wish to overcome. The advice has to be tailored to your specific problems. The devil is in the details.

People use the word "love" too loosely. Love has many effects on people. Love is a very complex and demanding emotion. There is a chemical-process in the brain that occurs that makes it difficult to let go of it. Thus the long periods of anxiety and suffering when people breakup.

However; addiction to people is also mistaken for love. It will also cause suffering through withdrawal.

There are different degrees of fondness that we hold for people. Many people mean they have a profound fondness or deep affection for someone; but use the misnomer love. It proves many do not really know what it is; or they would know when and how to use the word appropriately.

People declare it too soon, or accept being told too easily; because they need to hear it so badly. Like fool's gold, there's fool's love. It's fake, A figment of the imagination. Fantasy. Being in-love with being in-love. That's a stage we grow-out of after adolescence. Our psychological-development as adults should have a better understanding of the dynamics of forming relationships. We had our teens and 20's to have trial-relationships and exercise our emotions. Then breakups to experience pain for the loss of affection, and loneliness after rejection. Learning to be resilience to spring-back, and try again.

You are detaching from the woman with whom you are having the long-term LDR. You fight because your affection can't endure distance, and you are basically incompatible as a match. Thus the negativity and conflict. You needed someone, you were lonely, and she conveniently came along at the right-time.

You developed a relationship through convenience and loneliness. Then the bond began to corrode. Real-love doesn't do that. It is nurtured through trust. Both work hard at repairing disagreements, compromising, and earning trust. Reciprocating affection, and protecting each other.

Cheating occurs because love is either compromised, or nonexistent. There is a mental-detachment due to unfulfilled needs, sexual-addiction, inefficiencies in the relation, and character-deficiencies; and outright greediness.

It's human-nature to be opportunistic. Some people can't turn-down an opportunity. Temptation is one of the challenges that tests the reality of true-love, and the depth of it. Resisting our impulses and employing self-control in the name of love, proves it is durable and real. Although being human also means we have flaws and weaknesses. We make mistakes. If they are repetitive; they are no longer mistakes. They are actions that are intentional and premeditated. Or, chalk it up to stupidity.

You can fix it by releasing the women you are holding as an emotional-hostage. Making her believe you love her, and deceiving yourself into believing you can maintain a relationship over long-distance.

You need to get a few things out of your system. Maybe you should just enjoy casual-dating; until you find a connection that you are able to commit to with comfort and willingly. It is possible. It happens when we really want to, need to, and care so much that we just do it almost effortlessly. Then you can say without a shadow of doubt, and unequivocally; that you love that person. It doesn't mean you won't be so challenged you might slip; but it won't be easier to slip, than to resist.

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A male reader, Allumeuse United Kingdom +, writes (22 August 2017):

All this is because of the breakdown in meaningful communication between you and your partner. You are becoming emotionally detached from each other. When will you be together again? If you value your relationship you need to take steps to make this happen sooner rather than later. If there is no end in sight to your separation you should end it now. Your catfish is just you cheating by another name. Nothing good can come of it and there is no pleasant way to explain it to the person you deceived so just stop. Only then will you know whether your actual relationship can be saved. Good luck

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