A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid Members,My husband has left me for someone else and I am really struggling. My question is will I ever get over this, honestly? Or will it affect me long term.This happened a few months ago. I have two young children and I am struggling. I feel sick a lot, tired and weak with poor appetite. I am irritable and just want to be alone all the time whereas I am usually a happy sociable type of person.I think at first I thought he would come back but he didn't. His new woman mistress or whatever you call her actually said that I had no dignity because I was willing to take him back.He is a good father and provider financially. We have been married for a few years and were dating for a few years before marrying.My worry is that I won't ever get over this even though people say things like 'hearts do heal' and 'you will meet someone else' and so on.I feel quite low in confidence too which is not helping. His new woman, mistress is older than me but very beautiful where I am a more averagely attractive girl next door sort of look. The whole thing is a mess and has knocked my confidence. How can I try to get stronger and recover? Any advice or tips would really help.I feel lost, low in confidence about myself and all over the place. Many thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2016): You've got so much good advice. It gets better and it takes time. Be proactive. Don't stay in. At least not for too long. Make a strict schedule of your obligations but also fun things you like to do (at this point you may feel liek you lost any interest in doing funs stuff). Start exercising regularly, eat healthier, feed your mind (read good books etc.)... invest in yourself and you'll blosom. Hang out with positive people. Do not accept the role of the victim! Btw, I honestly do not think you would take him back. At least not for good. In the end you might have been the one asking him to leave.Put yourself first and your kids will reap the benefits. Some women find that a change of style helps. No matter how terrible this new woman sounds and no matter how horrible it feels to be left, thsi is an opportunity. You do not have questions you need answers to. It's not a random accident that you had - your husband made a decision to cheat on you. The leaving part is actually a welcome consequance. Imagine if he had continued living that double life for years!A good thing about confidence is that it can be built and rebuilt.Also, you'll feel better the moment you deal with administration problems - him paying what he needs to pay and establishing visitation rules. And, I almost forgot... ask for help. G
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (19 January 2016):
 Hi OP,
Thanks for the update.
It will take time to get your head AND your heart around to the fact that what you THOUGHT you had, you didn't really have. And that, was a good husband.
You may not love like you loved him again. Each time is different. Each relationship is different. And I think that is a good thing, otherwise it would feel like history repeating itself over and over.
Right now FOCUS on the important things, your kids, family, friend, work. NOT why did he do it!? Why did SHE do it!?
You have to look to the future and make it work for you and the kids. Sort term and long term. And don't be afraid to ask family and friends for help and support. They are probably "dying" to help you but don't want you to feel "helpless". So LET THEM.
Keep moving forward.
Chin up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2016): Hey,not been in the same situation,but similar.Sometimes a break up results in something very similar to the grieving process (already recognised from a psychological and emotional viewpoint). In a way,it is grieving because the man you once knew is forever gone.Or maybe you never knew him that well? Either way,it turned out to be someone untrustworthy and unreliable. If he is escaping now coz of stressful situations what will he do when his lover gets older+needs care?He will run for the hills and look for his own comfort just like he did now, that's what. Coz he is selfish. That's a horrible trait. Who want a partner who is UNreliable in crisis? What good are they then?Anyways, look up broken heart syndrome, take care of yourself and your stress levels (for the little ones, if not for yourself!) and do things that make you HAPPY!e.g.-buy that new dress you feel fabulous in-go for a drink with friends (do NOT talk about your ex-s good to start shifting your thoughts)- get a make up lesson if it makes you feel prettier/more beautifulYou are worth it and you are just as beautiful as she is. He is just an a**hole looking for an excuse to leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2016): Hello this is the original poster. Thanks so much for all the answers and kind words. I think I also feel that maybe there is something wrong with me, with my personality, that I am not good enough, as well as competing with someone who seems more exciting, interesting and beautiful than me. The comments here are really helping to put things into some sort of perspective. For some reason I am blaming myself and looking for failngs in me, whether it is looks, how I am or so on. I think these things do really knock the confidence. Many thanks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2016): HiI only really realised recently that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I've seen some women that I've immediately felt jealous of and insecure about, because in my opinion, they were so drop dead gorgeous and then watched as male friends of mine, bypassed them completely and courted others I wouldn't have given a second thought about. You may look upon this woman as being beautiful, but there are plenty of men out there, who would think you were the gorgeous one and she wasn't worth a second look.I'm not saying this to be horrible about anyone, but rather to help you realise that there are men out there who will fall over themselves to be next to you. I know this isn't what you want right now, but it helped me feel better about myself when I realised this.A male friend of mine is with a woman who is absolutely stunning, men are in awe of her, but he is bored with her. He says he doesn't find her sexually attractive anymore. I find her very dull and can't make conversation with her at all, even though I've tried countless times. When we realise that personal taste accounts for a lot, I think this takes the power away from people we class as beautiful. I'm mentioning this in the hope that it helps with your confidence.Try to think of your ex in a negative light. Remember any time when he made a fool of himself, did something embarrassing etc. Then play that up in your mind. Think of yourself in a positive light. Self help books are good for this and any book that helps you to feel stronger will be your friend at the moment. And that comment the other woman made about not taking your ex back? She's already making negative comments about him. The man that she is now with, is, in her opinion, so poorly behaved, that you'd be mad to have him back! Just imagine yourself in his shoes for a moment and you hear your new partner saying, 'She's got no dignity if she'd have YOU back!' It's laughable. Already.I hope I've been some help. You really will get over this. It's incredible how deeply and strongly we can feel for someone and in a relatively short space of time, not give a rat's behind about them anymore. It will happen in time. Lots of love and strength being sent to you from everyone here xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2016): Hello this is the original poster again. Thank you again. I actually woke up with a bit of a better feeling this morning, after reading the posts here so many thanks. I know it will be hard and up and down and it won't be easy but it does help to get some support. My husband really is the love of my life and I am scared I will never feel that way about anyone else again because he is the only person who got to me emotionally like this. I am not sure why he went to the other woman, maybe because things were a bit stressful between us with two young kids but I thought that was quite normal and just needed some re-adjustment. I don't understand this other woman because really she could probably have almost any man she wanted so why take mine. My thoughts are very jumbled right now. It's really hurting me deeply but anyhow thank you for your helpful thoghts and comments. x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2016): I went through this in my early 20's with a tiny baby. My baby is now grown up. My reward was him telling me what a fabulous childhood he had and how much fun and stability I had given him in life. The break up was horrendous. I got through it. The words "He can only leave me once" got me through. Each day is whats important here ie getting through each day. You also need to be patient with yourself. You will get through this. The other woman is clutching at straws. Their sordid relationship is based on lies and cheating. The foundation is weak. Her words are from fear. She is like a frightened animal gnarling at you and warning you off. Rise above this and keep your dignity. She wants a lying cheat, good for her. Once a cheat always a cheat. She has found herself a married man. That says it all really.One day you will look back on this with calmness and wisdom. I wish I had known then what I know now. That everything was going to be ok. It will be for you too. Deep in your heart believe that. Never doubt it.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (18 January 2016):
 You already have some good advice, so I would just like to say this:
It is hardly worth taking to heart, laughable actually, the words that you have no dignity from the loose lips of a morally challenged home wrecker. It amazes me to think that these type of women do enough damage, eventually win whatever they consider to be the "prize" yet still feel high and mighty to keep the spiting venom. It takes a very strong woman/man to consider taking back a cheating partner. It takes a very weak woman/man to cheat. x
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (17 January 2016):
Aww, hon.
I'm so sorry and it is clear that you're in pain.
These feelings won't last forever. You will get over it. It just takes time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2016): This is the original poster here. Thank you for your answers. I think I have been in denial to be honest. I really thought he would come back. I always believed the 'married men never leave their wives' comments that most people make so I did not think that he would actually leave or stay gone. I thought he would have come back by now. I feel almost desperate and am my stomach is constantly in knots. This includes waking up at night feeling so upset. I will have to try and focus on other things besides him and the marriage. It could be shock and denial that is causing me to feel so low I think.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2016): My dear sweet lady, you are in the throws of post-breakup grief and loss. It is all symptomatic of feeling rejected for someone else. Our self-esteem plummets to an all-time low, and all the feelings we've invested feel wasted. It eats through your guts like acid! Food smells awful, and sometimes you feel like you can't keep a thing down. Trust me, it's all natural and you're supposed to feel this way. It's the mind and body preparing you for the psychological and emotional disconnection. You're undergoing the chemical process of love-withdrawal; and your subconscious is battling with your emotions that want him back. The inner-turmoil you feel is nature's way of allowing us to come to terms with the truth and finality of our loss. Grief is unmerciful, but not fatal.
Feeling that a spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend chooses someone else; really isn't tied or directly connected to our looks or self-worth. It doesn't mean you lack the best attributes as a wife and mother, or as a person. He doesn't determine your value to the world. You do! By your deeds and contributions. Your ability to love and nurture. Your mother should have taught you long ago, your self-worth is not directly related to a man's opinions, validation; or his evaluation of who you are as a female or a person. That's all in your own hands.
Feelings sometimes change, or our mate may have made the wrong choice. Outside influences come along that abruptly changes the circumstances of relationships; but there's no nice way to correct that choice or negotiate emotionally; when the person you're with is in-love, and has devoted themselves to a commitment as powerful as marriage.
Unfortunately, there are people in this world who make commitments and swear on a stack of bibles that they love you; but leave you high and dry when someone else they want more comes along. There's just no good way to feel about that. It simply tears you apart. Nothing anyone says offers much comfort. Your mind does all the talking and your emotions go haywire. Been there and done that.
You are in an emotional state right now that all you can do is vent. Nothing much we say can really change how you feel. However; with all assurance, I can tell you it will only get better. If you are determined that nothing is more important to you right now than your kids, and yourself. That my dear, is a fact!
You'll survive for them. You'll survive for you. Do not surrender all you're worth and your power as a female to a man who followed his dick away from his marriage. He gave up everything; and made a huge sacrifice. When it all settles out; he will have to re-evaluate his choices, and deal with his karma. Lust has a way of distorting the truth and can also heavily influence your feelings. That's his cross to bear. You have to take care of you and your babies. That's all that matters now. They need you, and they need you to be strong. You, need you to be strong.
Life will always be a challenge and a test of your metal.
We go through rough spots to hone our tools of survival, to learn, and to pass on life-skills to the next generation. You will prove to yourself that you are stronger than you may think you are now. You're in total shock, sweetie. Knocked off-balance. You've been broad-sided and slammed in the gut. It's taken the wind out of you big time.
In spite of it all, yes... you will recover. It depends on your will to be there for your kids, to see life to its fullest, and to fulfill whatever destiny has in store for you in the future. The present is not the end-all to what life has planned for you. Your marriage was only one aspect of what life has offered you. You were blessed with beautiful children. He at least gave you that, and the start of a good life. You will struggle. Life is a struggle. The law will see that you and the kids get what you deserve financially. The emotional struggle you have to contend with, because that's just life.
Fight for your sanity. Give nothing more to him. It will not be easy, and it will be one of the most painful experiences you'll ever endure. People survive it all the same. You have to get a physical examination, avoid drugs or alcohol; and stay close to loving family and friends for comfort and support. Eat light and healthy, and rally the girlfriends to just talk,laugh,and cry. You will be able to laugh, even through the pain. It's good for you.
It is now essential that you put motherhood above being his wife. You and your babies are more important. You still must allow your emotions to flow. You'll tire of crying. Become angry, then weaken, and cry some more. Then you'll decide to live and be happy in spite of his bullsh*t. You'll see!
God bless and take care of you, my dear.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (17 January 2016):
 You WILL recover if you want to. You've received quite a shock and right now I'm sure the pain is completely overwhelming. I'm sorry..I've been there. People deal with things in different ways, and in different time frames. Its up to each person how they chose to go about healing..or not healing.
Its going to take time, there's no doubt about it, and it doesn't happen overnight. When you love someone and they cheat on you, betray you..it HURTS! You question yourself saying "what if?" all the time..wondering what your partner seen in the other person that you don't have ect...DON'T!!!
Be good to yourself. Reach out to friends, family and if you find yourself becoming very depressed to the point that you aren't eating, showering and are shutting people out..GET HELP! Its hard to do but get involved with something new, something you've always wanted to try, or volunteer, ANYTHING to stop your mind from going down the "If only..." path.
It will get easier eventually. I promise..if you let it.
My sister and I both went through divorces..both of our husbands cheated on us. How we handled it though was as different as night and day. My husband got a woman pregnant and got married 6 weeks after our divorce was final. Her husband cheated on her with a close friend, my sister chased him down and found him at the woman's house...BOTH situations were very painful and devastating.
I threw myself into work and college and raising my daughter. At first I thought I was going to die...I cried every single day knowing my ex had moved on soooo quickly. He was an absolute jerk to me but I had loved him very much. I didn't date much at first I just couldn't..but 3 years later I did meet a nice man and everything clicked and I did remarry. I was far happier than I had ever been, but I met him when I wasn't looking. I had reinvented my whole life after my divorce.
My sister just totally shut down. She had 2 children (young teens) and she just went into her own little world. She stopped taking care of herself, she would shut herself in her apartment and close all the blinds and just sleep and sleep and sleep. Her teenage daughter basically had to become the "mom". My sister did what she had to do, but NOTHING else. The whole family tried desperately to help her but she just couldn't get over what had happened and wouldn't seek help. Her husband dated everything that walked and eventually married a woman 15 years younger than him and had 3 more kids. My sister didn't date for 14 years!!!! She wanted nothing to do with men. Trust me..we were all really scared and worried about her but just couldn't get through. She was existing...
My sister is a pretty lady, funny and smart..but she let that divorce take over her entire world. It was sad as hell. 3 months ago..she met a man..(14 years after the divorce!!) she warned him she just wanted to be friends...NOTHING else..the man went along with it, and became her friend. He was there for her, but never tried to push it. Guess what?? Now they are talking about moving in together!!! I am THRILLED for her!
But you see? She shut herself off from the world for 14 years....and trust me..her ex wasn't worth it!
Live honey...believe in yourself.....and don't center your life around a man...be there for your children above all else. Take care of YOU and take care of them. Lean on people that love you..but GO ON...
Hugs..I promise it will get better...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 January 2016):
You will get over it, IF that is what you want. But you might have to accept that it's not instantaneous, it's a process that takes times.
Right now though, you need to pull yourself up by the bootstraps for your kids sake. You moping about wanting to be alone is not good for them nor yourself. It might require you "faking" it a bit in front of them, but you can do it. Doesn't mean you have to fake cheerful, but try and still be a positive influence for them. If there are days you just can't deal with it, ASK family to watch them or.. spend time with family and friends.
I don't think this is about you not being good enough or pretty enough, but that there were some issues in the marriage that your husband didn't bother talking to you about and instead of working ON the marriage, he CHEATED.
And as for the OW thinking you have no dignity.. well who gives a rat's behind what she thinks? She has no morals, so she ought to not throw rocks at a glass house.
Consider filing for a divorce. Set up visitation and get child maintenance from your (ex)husband. By dealing with the issues as hand you may find it "easier" to move past it.
Then you work on your confidence.
Don't start or try to date till you are ALL the way over what happened and till YOU feel confident about yourself again.
And I'm sorry you are going through this :)
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