A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been talking to a girl online for the past 8 months. We have had video, voice chats, phone chat, text chat. I first met her on a friendship site. We started talking on a messenger and soon we became close friends. And slowly the friendship turned into love. After 6 months, I told her that I have fallen in love with her, she told me the same. So far we havent met in person. She is 20 years old and I am 27. I think it would be better if I give some background information on me and my girlfriend. She lives with her single mom and sister. Her parents never married and her mother broke up with her father after she found out that he was cheating on her. Her father is quite careless person and she kinda hates her father and they hardly talk to each other. My parents have been married for over 28 years and they are very happy by the grace of God. I live with my parents and siblings. Now my girlfriend always told me that she was a virgin but few weeks ago she told me it was a lie. She isnt a virgin and she had sex twice with her ex-bf. Now this has changed the whole situation for me because i was used to the idea that she was a virgin for 8 months and all of a sudden she told me she isnt a virgin. Now I am a conservative minded person and i value virginity a lot and its such a shock to me that she lied to me about something which is such a big deal to me. It was very shocking to me. Initially i was really mad at her. She said that she really regrets losing her virginity and lying to me about it. She said that the sex wasnt planned and it just happened. She never wanted to do it but still it happened and now she really feels bad about it. She told me a lie cuz she was afraid that i may break up with her but she told me the truth eventually because she was feeling too much guilty. So anyway, I forgave her and now we are back to normal, well i m not really back to normal. Her past is haunting me to be honest. It is making me jealous to know that some other guy had sex with her before me. I know that i have to ignore her past but its not easy for me. I come from a conservative background and its really hard for me to get over it that easily. Its been 3 weeks since she told me that and I still get jealous thinking of it. I start to imagine her having sex with her ex and it hurts me so much but i just cant stop thinking about it. Sometimes i m normal and i dont feel bad but sometimes i just cant stop thinking of it. Sometimes i get mad at her for losing to someone else than me. I am a virgin myself by the way so thats why i m feeling so bad about it. I always wanted to lose it to someone special and i thought this girl was special. She is really nice, smart and pretty but I just dont like the fact that she didnt wait for someone special. There are other things about her past that also bothers me sometimes like she has kissed random guys in the past like in the bar or parties. She once made out with a random dude in the bar. All these things sometimes makes me think that I dont deserve a girl like that. I am virgin and i dont kiss around like that. I do know that she doesnt sleep around with men but still her kissing habits arent good. Even though she tells me that she is changed now and more mature. By the way she had sex with her ex when she was 18. I want to know how can I deal with my problems. Her past haunts me and makes me so jealous. The fact that she has kissed with so many guys and had sex with her ex, its just makes me think that she is not the girl I dreamed of being with. I am really confused...Please help me!
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broke up, her ex, her past, jealous, kissing, live with my parents, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Jason Michael  +, writes (17 December 2010):
Friend, this is not an easy situation to be in. It may not come as a huge surprise that there is no concrete solution to the problem. Though it may help to know that you are not alone, many people (myself included) suffer from what is called 'seducer manqué.' It is not jealousy. Jealousy is the feeling of the need to protect what you possess; what we are speaking about here is envy. You are frustrated that you have been 'left behind;' that someone else received that which you imagine is owed to you.
There are somethings which you ought to bear in mind. This girl is not property; not yours and not anyone else's. She is a free and autonomous human being. You may suffer from the thought of her making love to another person, this is only in your mind (but real to you). There is a reason that she is with you and not the person she first had sex with. You ought to concentrate more on why you think that she is with you and not him.
Nothing will erase the past friend, that then is where is must stay. Nothing will make her a virgin again. But is virginity that important? We imagine that it is, but in actuality - it really isn't. The desire to seduce a virgin is ultimately a selfish desire; seeking to dominate another person or be the first to plant a flag. This isn't really okay, is it? She is a human person and should never be a means to your desire, but an end in and of herself.
She loves YOU! That's the point here. She loves you and has freely chosen to love you. If you love her, tell her. Each time she sleeps with you, or has coffee with you she is doing it for the first time that moment with ('with' not 'for') you because she wants to.
We all tell lies. Sure, let that go. Try with all your might to see her as more than a sexual object - people are worth so much more than that.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2010): Well, there are three different problems here.
The first one is that she lied to you. And, as far as I understand from what you wrote, she lied because it was too obvious you were going to have a problem with that matter. In a sense, she deceived you.
The second one is you won't be able to forget. You can forgive her for lying, but you won't forget she is not a virgin. And you won't be ok with that. Let's add you can't forgive her for having sex before. That isn't up to you.
In the third place, we have the worst problem. She loves you and she wants to be with you (that's why she lied). You love her but you won't forget this matter as long as you are with her. So, as far as I can see, one of you (or both) will suffer no matter what happens.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): What would you have done if she told you the truth right at the start 8 months ago, before you had gotten all attached to her?
Would you have been able to roll with it? Or would you have felt it was too far different from what you want in a girl and decided to look for someone else before things got serious?
Which ever way you would have gone back then is what I think you should do now.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (16 February 2010):
 Well, it all comes down to whether or not you think you can really get over this. Can you forgive and forget? Because if you can't, then you just need to leave this relationship. Accept that she's a great girl and you're a great guy, you're just not each other's great girl and great guy.
But, if you want to make this work and you love her, you're going to need to figure out how you can put this behind you. What's done is done. You can't change anything and really, what she did is not the end of the world. She sounds pretty conservative for a 20 year old nowadays - sex twice with one boyfriend and some kissing? Her past is IN THE PAST and you are her future. So, if you think you can get over it, try your best and make it work. But if you don't think you can deal with it - I think the right thing to do would to just be honest with yourself and her and move on to someone who you feel better about being with. There is no shame in being truthful with yourself and doing what you need to do.
Good luck, sweetness!
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A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (16 February 2010):
 If you really do love her, you will do your best to overcome this. It's her past, not yours. You shouldn't get jealous over something that happened before you came along. The good thing is that she told you. I'm sure she felt pressured and I commend her for being honest.
The thing here to decide is whether dwelling over her past is worth the risk of losing the person she is today.
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