A
female
age
,
*alomablanca
writes:My problem is some kinda jelousy.I am 52 y old now and I am an artist. I did very well on my career,but had some very powerful people that wanted to exchange some favors with me,which I never did.My career went to a higher level,but in some point I could not compete with younger artists anymore. Also,still never accepted exchange sex for a higher position.I am very happy for that, but....I see an old friend of mine that made different choices.She did accept all the exchanges, used all the favors,was after the easy way,and got a lotin her career. She has now a good position in her job,material things,and travels a lot.I kind of feel jealous in a certain way.I feel happy for everything I did,but I feel jelous of her. She is so sure of herself,so confident.Nobody knows anything about her choices,so everyone thinks she made all by herself.Once even a member of her family compared her with me,saying that she did better,and she was the bravest of all. I never said anything. I'd like some points of view on this sittuation,if you could tell me. Thank you guys so much for accepting me here.I really appreciated that.
View related questions:
jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2015): I'm an artist and it never ceases to amaze me how naive people are about how the art world works.To my mind it's more ruthless than the world of banking and full of the most extremely manipulative people one could meet, all in the guise of being "open minded, creative and free spirits" but all hell bent on getting to the 'top'. Absolutely without doubt it's not the best or most talented or hard working artists that get to the top. It's the manipulators who do so. Even those who are "lucky" to be spotted will have someone - parents or a partner or an inheritance - allowing them to financially sustain a career for long enough until they can consistently sell work or be funded by wealthy sponsors. The art world just isn't the romantic, free spirited place that people think it is - this is the gloss and sheen that's marketed to make it seem that way. It's a world full of lost souls, all craving attention more than anything else. I have a very active studio practice but I'm also mistaken, a lot, for one of your 'intellectual' artist because I don't show all that much but I have studied very, very hard to understand the theories and philosophies relating to art. I also brought up my daughter single handedly, with absolutely no financial help or support of any kind from anyone. It's been incredibly hard and one hard thing for me WAS to watch women the same age as me, with no child, be able to work their way up the ladder, mainly by sleeping with the right people. It hurt, to the point it felt like I had no choice sometimes but to accept that my life was going down the pan in terms of career, because I had other responsibilities. So I chose to study instead of networking because it meant I could be at home, where my daughter needed me. To do this, I've had to put to one side the extreme networking that's required to make the contacts needed to be "successful" in the way you mean that term. I worked hellish jobs for years,simply because the hours were slightly more manageable (915) in terms of childcare, rather than the jobs I really wanted in the creative sector - galleries and museums and so on - but which inevitably require extensive socialising and networking after hours. If I describe myself relative to that notion of "success" then I'm successful but not as successful as I could have been, by a long shot, if I'd slept with the right people, had a manipulative mind-set on from the word "go" and made faux friends rather than just worked hard in my own right. Like you, I went through a phase of terrible anguish and pain about this, wondering what was lacking or wrong with me that I couldn't be like them. Problem was, I genuinely care about art. I love it with everything I have and I know, without sounding boastful, that I am extremely good at what I do. The problem has always been establishing the circumstances to be able to flourish - and I wasn't willing to sleep with established old patriarchs just to get ahead.Today, however, I'm happy. I no longer want the kind of "success" you describe. I still have loads of ambitions for my work - my art and my research - but I absolutely do not want to be part of the value system in place in the art world at the moment. I have found a way to do my 'own thing'. If that means just carrying on, invisible, for the rest of my life then that's fine by me. If someone one day gives me a load of attention for what I've done, I'd actually be hesitant to accept it anymore.With all of that said, there's far more attention being brought to older women artists' plight, these days. Statistics show that women are massively underrepresented in the art world and yet, through art college, they constitute a disproportionately high number of students, with the average ratio being 65% female to 35% men, but with only 31% of women becoming represented as artists once they leave college. Women just can't step into the same entrenched patriarchy that men can, once they leave. The art world for centuries has been male dominated, as with many spheres of life. But new attention is being brought to the inequality in this and things will, slowly and steadily, change.It's not easy, and takes time, but try to take pride in YOUR values, not despair because you haven't conceded to other people's dubious ones. This doesn't mean giving in, it means knowingly taking a stance on what you believe art should be.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2015): Your envy is misdirected and the discomfort it brings you is self-inflicted.
You are too busy comparing her success to your own, and not being appreciative of the rewards and success you have "earned" choosing the moral high-ground. You should be thankful and grateful of any level of success. Most artists fail. They never see success of any kind. They die paupers. You get to make a living doing what you love.
She may be a tad more talented, if not more ambitious. If you view things through the eyes of jealousy, you will never judge her fairly; or give her benefit of the doubt.
That's your problem to deal with, not to be projected upon her.
Your conscience is clear, and you don't owe the devil anything. Why is her life and success so important to you?
Why must all her success be attributed to ill-gotten gain?
Don't you see this is all presumed through your jealousy?
You don't know what goes on in her head at night, and you don't know her problems. You give her no credit for her perseverance and belief in herself. All you see is what she has accumulated financially, and the fact she travels more. Sometimes you can't trust all that you see. You see only the surface of her life, you don't know the inside-story. You assume she made unsavory compromises, and that is how she made it. Perhaps that conclusion was born of the envy and resentment you have for her. It may not be true at all.
Success for your talents also comes from their marketability. Which also means she must have some true talent; and took advantage of opportunities that have offered her upward mobility. That's called ambition. Your jealousy sees nothing but the worst due to bitterness. Don't do that to yourself. It's poisonous, and it eats you through and through. You're making excuses for not working harder. For passing-up opportunities and rationalizing that you did it to be a "good girl."
Be happy for her. Let go of the jealousy. Rejoice in your own success, and it will increase. You did things the hard way, and are being held-back by something ugly inside that is stifling your creativity. Focus on YOUR talent, not her bigger success. Let it be your inspiration. You age has nothing to do with it. Unless what your do requires extreme physical endurance and flexibility.
You say you can't compete with younger artists anymore? Only because you may have set limitations on yourself and don't try hard enough. You're too busy hating on others and you've stunted your own growth and artistic creativity as a result. You feel inferior, but justify your feelings by believing the success of others is because of factors other than their hard-work and ability.
Perhaps you should have given those who wanted to help you a chance; but let them know that you were not going to compromise your integrity in exchange. They may have respected your resolve, and still may have offered you the help. You may have made the wrong assumptions and that may have closed those doors in your face. If you live by envy, you also live by unsubstantiated fear and suspicion. You may not even be aware of your own potential; being so preoccupied with your competition.
Concentrate on your own talents. Accept the help others may offer, and simply set your on terms and goals. Don't accuse that other woman of sleeping her way up; because she wouldn't be able to sustain her position of success, unless she had the talent to back it up. At some point, she'd have to prove herself. Apparently whatever her talents are; people are happy to promote her, and to pay for her work. That has nothing to do with whomever she has slept with.
If you weren't so resentful, you could both form a collaborative; and boost each others careers. Most of the successful women I know network, and help each other in every way they can. They open doors and mentor others. You might want to consider that before making such harsh judgement against another woman, out of jealousy. I would say that in itself is inhibiting your success.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (21 May 2015):
 You took ONE path, she took another. I get that you feel jealous that she "got" to do thing and "get" material things, but YOU got you keep your morals intact. I don't think there is a price for that.
MANY artists do not get famous, but make a living doing what they LOVE.
She "sold" a part of her soul for fame, THAT was her choice.
If people compare you, I would NOT bring up what she MAY have done to get there, I would just cheer her on. She might need that cheering a LOT more than you. Shaming HER doesn't make you better, not a better artist or person.
Find what you would LIKE to do with your art, and then FIND how it can be done without compromising WHO you are and WHAT you stand for.
And as best as you can, DO NOT compare yourself to her. She is who SHE is, and you are you. Two unique people, separate from each other.
A little envy might get you to fight a little harder for what you want, no?
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 May 2015):
 I don't know OP.Maybe deep down she is the one who is jealous of you. Maybe she thinks you are the one who had it really good.
She may have seemed, or even felt, confident about her choices and career shortcuts- but these things have a way to leave deep traces in your psyche, a kind of permanenet sadness , a sense of failure , that never really leaves you. Other people may not know how she got her success, but she knows, so she can't REALLY believe that she is worth something- or that her talents are worth more than her docility as a sexual object.
Take Marylin Monroe, for instance. All her biographers love her, so it's not that they want badmouth her, but by now it seems it's a given that to get where she got, FIRST she had to give blow jobs to anything that moved in Hollywood, from big movie producers to the guy who delivered pizzas on the movie set.
She is an example of someone who never was such a happy camper , regardless of stardom and money, ergo her addictions and her ( probable ) suicide. I am not saying that she must necessarily have felt " shame " or " regret " ( that too, perhaps ) in using her body that way; some people do not think in terms of moral categories. BUT, her curse was that she never could believe in her own ( undeniable ! ) talent. She never felt that she was excelling in, and appreciated for, what she most respected and envied in others all her life : talent. Sad, wouldn't you say ?
Another one was Lucille Ball, let's not forget that when she made it big with " I love Lucy " she was already around 40, and had behind herself about 25 years of casting couches and shady dealings. Lucy seems to have paid a high price emotionally ; the officially lovable and loved Lucy was privately a person uncomfortable with feelings and incapable of giving and receiving love, as much as she really wanted to. But she just did not
" do " love, reason for which she could never had a real connection, a real relationship with her children , whom she had so fiercely desired. She too sort of stayed confused all her life , regardless of fame and money, whether people in her life liked her because she was she, or because she could be used to get something through her ( money, prestige etc. ).
I think a lifetime of trading sexual favours will do that to you ,at some level. You start to doubt yourself, to think that you are only as good as the wares you sell or sold, that you are a scam - as a person and as an artist.
I think that's much less innocuous that one would think even for women who haven't the least religious or moral scriple ( and they aren't THAT many ). It just makes you SAD because you know you have betrayed yourself, and your art, and what could have been if you had not accepted so many compromises.
All in all, I think you are much better off than your
" lucky " friend, OP. Less rich, less well traveled , with a less glamorous lifestyle, yes. But , other than that, if SHE could tell you the truth, I thinks chances are she'd tell you she envies YOU , and where you got at, all by yourself.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2015): Im not sure its jealousy ..its more an awareness of inequality. The methods she used were not your own. In the canvas of life you acted with integrity but you realise some people are unaware of that and yet your life is ylur finest work, it stands in front of those behind you who may be silently applauding you and yet it stands before those who are to come after.I think this stirring of unknown angst may be the start of some new project that is seeding in your brain..can you capture your hidden contempt for those so easily deceived and carve it into what may be a wonderful piece of work, somethingthat really expresses an idea that is so hard to formulate yet silently understood by so many?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2015): She sacrificed everything to get where she is.Everything. Including her body (which honestly makes her a high-class call girl,a bit like a geisha).Of course,she is confident!She never looked at it like "love", or "giving up her body" or whatever.I think the confidence is also based on- she got to travel more, experience the finer things in life. She now knows about them, knows how to behave around rich men (which probably brought even more "influencers" in her circle) and NOW, now so many years later, she probably doesn't even have to do any of those things (which was most likely her original aim as well).Now, she can enjoy what she "earned". I'm sorry, but I think you are the opposite. Have you heard of Naty Revuelta Clews?Now that's lovers gone bad (for her, not for him). So it could have gone that way too? They COULD have promised her the sun and the stars and NEVER delivered.The difference is- they delivered. But there was a very HIGH chance that they never would. She just RISKED it (and put a lot of things on the line...)I'd like to think that I'd be like you if ever faced with the choice, but peace and success in my older years,when I can no longer rely on my looks?? To be perfectly honest, I'm not so sure I'd have resisted either. But you have, I admire that about you and I think you should be proud of what you have achieved ALL by YOURSELF.ps: in terms of career-if you want to succeed more, have you thought of organising things out of your country? Contacting museums etc.? Do you think that would work?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2015): I know exactly what you are talking about. The casting couch! It could be consensual or almost a borderline rape situation with some casting agents/producers etc. After I found out that part of the business I no longer think I would put myself out like that. I have my standards, morels, and I want to sleep at night. Yes my family still jabs at me because everyone thought I would be the next Madonna. I just couldn't put myself like that. Not jealous…well maybe a little but you know how these things work with the smoke and mirrors. Things that you are just not comfortable with ….you are who you are ….she is who she is. When life hands you lemons you take that and use it to teach children or do outreach and education and raise money and awareness for organizations. That way you help your ego and you help others in return. You can get noticed in other ways. Hugs to you!
...............................
|
