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His actions don't match his words of love

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 May 2010) 4 Answers - (Newest, 1 May 2010)
A female United States age 41-50, *ayneO writes:

Dear Cupid,

I have been in a relationship for almost eight years, married the last three. My husband had a couple of bad relationships and has difficulty trusting anyone. One relationship resulted in a child he paid support for and never saw past the age of 3. The exgirlfriend kept him from seeing his son. He has been unable to make love to me since the word go. He said its because he shut off his emotions due to this relationship. He asked me for time and to be patient with him. But, we have gone from trying to move forward to nothing at all. No, he is not gay. I have found in the past he has been viewing porn on the internet. Always women with huge boobs (nothing like me). I am not sure why he tells me he has the best wife, he loves me etc. Then shows no effection at all. The porn is really bothering me. I tried to talk to him about it and he shut down. I want to be patient and help him. But, there is no longer a need to try in his mind. I don't know what to do. I feel so unloved and he doesn't care. I am not sure what to do. I don't want to leave him. I want to make this work. But, I am confused with the need for porn and the lack of desire to be with me.

View related questions: boobs, porn, the internet, unloved

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A male reader, IHateWomanBeaters United States +, writes (1 May 2010):

IHateWomanBeaters agony auntThe first thing...

Did you ever find out why, from his ex, he cannot see the kid?

The child protective services DO NOT arbitrarily take kids away without justification. He did something bad to get the kids taken away.

Anyway, onto your concern.

It is quite simple. Does he love porn more than his wife, or his wife more than porn?

If he chooses porn, leave him.

He sounds like a person of questionable character that you should not be married to.

I say find the answers to the questions you have wanted to ask and end it.

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A female reader, Si Si Australia +, writes (1 May 2010):

Si Si agony aunt Dear Girl...your husband has serious issues from his past that he has not dealt with. He has very deep seated emotional problems that stem from somewhere in his childhood.You say you do not want to leave and you want to make it work. This would most definately mean a term of therapy ect. for him{and as soon as possible} It would also mean that he has to be brave and face the hidden trauma that is affecting him badly.Therapy only works for those who are willing to face up to the past,feel the negative emotions they are holding in,and then let them go.Not everyone is willing to do this as it can be very painful, but very necessary to move forward..

I sincerely hope he gets the help he needs and wish you happiness.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (1 May 2010):

YouWish agony auntThe husband "not trusting" is a lie from him. If he didn't trust you, he wouldn't have married you. The "couple of bad relationships" is his excuse for furthering his porn addiction, which has taken over his life.

I know that part hurts, but the porn has nothing to do with you. You don't have to "measure up" to the fake silicon porn girls, and now he's roped himself into needing the porn to get off. What a sad, pathetic, lonely state.

He hasn't shut off his emotions for you, because he's telling you he loves you and that you are the "best wife". But his porn addiction has short-circuited his ability to sexually respond to you, because porn is unrealistic fantasy.

The person who needs counselling is him, because he is the one pushing you away and putting your marriage in jeopardy. He needs therapy to break himself of the porn addiction and learn to be sexually functional in marriage. You are NOT obligated to see this through with him, as he is breaking his marriage vows in his activity. It's up to you to decide whether or not he is worth your hanging in there.

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A female reader, QuirkLady United States +, writes (1 May 2010):

QuirkLady agony auntI think that you should try counseling for yourself. Hopefully a counselor will help you tell him exactly what you need from him, and work out what you will do if he can't give you what you need. If you can get him to go with you, that would be great, but if he refuses don't stop yourself.

Good luck.

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