A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm seeing a guy who constantly gives me mixed messages, he's older, divorced and has two kids, we've been seeing each other just under three months. It started off with the intention of being a FWB arrangement, but that quickly changed, long story short, we had been seeing each other every other week and things were good but one week, we had a nasty argument, made up, but I feel things have changed since this. He says that he has closed up his heart and that he's glad he didn't let me into his heart fully etc, because he doesn't want to have a broken heart again. He has had his heart broken badly by his ex wife, so I can understand some of the reason why he might be afraid, but yet I am so torn because, the sex has gone by the way side, he has chronic pain and stress, so I think sex is just too much effort for him. He knows that I have a very high libido, but he also knows that I have strong feelings for him, yet he constantly makes me feel on edge. I am as supportive as I possibly can be, I would never, ever pressure him to have sex when he's in such pain. I try to look after him when he's in pain as much as I can, but he is also a very proud, stubborn man too, who I feel is sometimes too proud to accept any help from anyone. A lot of his actions contradict his words, it seems that he's too afraid to allow himself to fall in love, or so he says, but he does things that totally contradict that ie. looks after me when I'm with him and cares for me etc. which I totally reciprocate. The situation is totally wearing me down. The reasons I have not left yet is because I just can't find it in myself to walk away because my feelings are so strong for him, even though he always gives me mixed messages which are like knives in my side. He also suffers from a lot of stress and seemingly has no one to talk intimately with about his problems, I seem to have become this person, and I just can't walk from a person who is in such need. I'm not getting what I want out of this, but I feel bound to him because of the circumstances and my feelings. Is this selfish of me?I must be mad, but he seems to be forgetting that my heart is easily bruised too, especially because I suffer from depression. The age gap has made things much more difficult. I have not yet met his kids.I just don't know what to do, I'm so torn and confused. He also will often refuse to take any pain relief and lie there in pain, usually with me lying next to him sexually frustrated! I also hate to see people in chronic pain when they have meds to help take the edge off the pain, of course it's his business what he chooses to put into his body, but the choices he makes has a negative affect on both of us. Any comments or thoughts are totally appreciated, many thanks in advance, sorry for the long post xx
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divorce, ex-wife, his ex, libido, mixed messages, sexually frustrated Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2014): OP you're not a doctor or therapist, you wanted a FWB kind of relationship and not even sex you are getting out of the arrangement. He is not in love with you and does not reciprocate your feelings. I'd say walk away before you get yourself even more emotionally invested in this relationship, since he's not really treating you like someone important in his life (has never met his children!) I don't think you should waste your life with this man, do not feel guilty older people feel a lot of pain, it's not your problem, unfortunately this is one of those situations you have to be cruel to be kind, cut all the contact and try to move on with your life. If you want FWB try to find someone your AGE with the same sex drive, without the unnecessary drama.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (16 February 2014):
 You are wasting your time and emotions.
Like Auntie Daisy pointed out, there are many red flags and NOTHING you mention is positive, so WHY are you doing this to yourself? Why do you think you somehow OWE him to stick it out? Are you trying to prove that you are better then his ex? That you WILL put up with it because his ex didn't? If that is it, then you need to wake up and see he is pulling a FULL ON manipulation pity party on you.
Call him and end it. MOVE on. Find someone with a LOT less baggage - emotionally and otherwise. FIND someone who wants you as much as you want them.
Don't date "fixer uppers" because in reality the ONLY one who can FIX the things are THEM not you. Love is not a magic cure.
You are way to young to waste time on this.
He will only make your depression worse, because you are trying to take on his hurt. It doesn't work that way. FOCUS on you and your issues, not his.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2014): From my own experience, I have learned that a lot of depression comes from feeling overwhelmed by life and not having suitable coping methods AND is often caused by us 'self-sabotaging' our own needs and desires.By getting involved with this man you have basically found an excellent method for self-sabotaging yourself. He is the weapon or instrument with which you hurt yourself. You want a sexual relationship, and people with depression sometimes do have a high libido because sex is one of few ways that they experience a lot of pleasure in one go/often tie up their sense of self-worth and self/validation into sex - but you've chosen someone whose own problems mean that you often end up effectively denying yourself what you really want. You are young and a lot of your libido will, frankly, be down to hormones. But think through whether it is also because sex gives you such pleasure that you then feel validated and lifted temporarily from depression. If so, then this is one issue that you need to think through and to find other ways of raising your self esteem and gaining a broader spectrum of pleasure from other sources in life. You will probably still need the 'high' of sex, but not so badly, as you learn that other things can give you different kinds of pleasure.But specific to the situation that you are in with this man - he is not functioning well in the world, From birth we are all conditioned to behave according to our gender roles - usually man or woman - and his sense of masculinity has not developed in a healthy way. When he decides to 'tough it out' by not taking his medication, at an unconscious level he is trying to prove his masculinity. A different kind of man would simply be going through a very difficult board meeting, or engineering a particularly demanding piece of machinery. This man's masculinity has all turned inwards and is destructive instead of creative.But because of your high libido and your tendency to self-sabotage, his dysfunctionality has got a hold on your life: your libido is effectively your weakness that allows him a foothold or resting place in your life, in which he acts out his dysfunctional masculinity. And then you self-sabotage through him, by effectively denying yourself what you want, which is a man who is functional in most or every sense. Your self-sabotaging tendencies will keep you locked into this situation because you might believe that you can cure him or help him - but this is where depressed people often make huge mistakes - the sense of 'power' in being able to cure someone and make them complete is, again, so tantalising for someone who feels depressed that they cannot see that in reality it is simply a way to keep hold of the thing through which they can self sabotage. Until you look into your own weaknesses first, and sort them out, this kind of thing will keep happening with different men. He needs counselling, probably you do as well. But at least think through the other ways that you might be sabotaging your own needs and desires - do you put yourself down a lot inwardly? This is the most common form of self sabotage. Do you stop yourself from going for things that you want - from trivial things like a cake to larger things like a new job? If so, you are self-sabotaging. End the relationship, sort yourself out and be very wary of what kind of man you get involved with.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (16 February 2014):
 In no particular order:
1. He triggers significant negative emotions for you
2. He doesn't deliver on the sex side of things
3. He treats you like his therapist
4. His actions don't match his words
5. You have taken on the role of caregiver/ fixer
6. He is emotionally unavailable due to his divorce/ baggage
These are 6 red flags. You already suffer from depression. Do you really and truly want to take all of this guys issues on, to the detriment of your own well being?
FWB is a very tricky arrangement even for people who are emotionally strong. You are not, due to your health issues. Put yourself before this man and focus on your own health and happiness. He needn't be your problem, he is not your responsibility.
Walking away takes strength but can also be liberating. Good luck .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2014): Your pain and suffering is all self-inflicted.
You're putting up with stuff his ex left him for.
He's belligerent, grumpy, and bossy. He'd rather lie in pain and be miserable, rather than make love? He's stupid too!
Now that you see what his wife put up with. Just enjoy the sex when you can, and send him home before he gets on your nerves. That's what FWB's are for.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2014): I think your being manipulated!! Manipulated into thinking all is your fault and only you can change it. He seems to be playing the martyr and you seem to be running right into it.Back off a little, yes you have strong feelings for him and he is loving it. Do you think he has strong feelings for you? Has he shown you in any way he has strong feelings for you? You say he knows you have a high sex drive yet says he is in pain constantly and refuses to take pain relief ....The point i am making is that you seem to be too open for him to mess with your head and make you feel bad for wanting a normal relationship with this guy. Back off a little, start playing a little hard to get. When he says "can I stay over? Come stay at mine? Let's go for dinner tonight?" Be 'busy' once in a while. When he calls, dont wait by the phone, let him call and leave a message, leave it half hour and call him back. Let him know that he is not the be all and end all in your life, that if he doesn't start meeting you half way, you can -and will- do better! Because right now he is loving having you on tenterhooks trying to keep him happy! One last thing.....are you sure you even want to make such effort with a man who is so glad he didn't open his heart to you .....who, in the space of just three short months has made you feel so down?
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