A
female
age
51-59,
*inkyme
writes:I am falling in love with my relationships councilor and don't know how to stop feeling like this. I ended my marriage 1 yr ago cause my husband was having sex with men.We were married for 18 years so I am not some ditzy young thing with a silly crush. I need to see this man as I trust him totally and have shared my deepest feelings and most painful memories with him. His advice, suggestions and guidance has helped me in so many ways to start to heal,and I am alive now because of him.He has made me feel worthwhile and that I matter in this world.Nobody else has ever made me feel like that. The hardest part of all is he is Gay. I have imaginary conversations with him and even dream about him.He is in the back of my mind every minute of the day. Everything I do I think what would he think about this. I cant stop seeing him but it is so painful. Any advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2009): The counsellor's job is to listen to you and bring out the positives and it is something we all crave from a relationship but few people get. Try to just be glad that you have been able to see your own good side and benefit from the counselling. You know he is gay so you would not get anywhere. It may be worth telling him how you feel so that you can deal with it in therapy. You wouldn't be the first person to feel like this about a counsellor and they are probably used to it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2009): I am inclined to agree that this is transference in psychological counseling it is sometimes needed in order for you to heal from all the hurt and pain caused by being in the relationship with your husband that you can transfer those feelings of love onto a trusted person, such as your counselor.
Take this as a sign that you are making progress and you need to do some more work on all your issues, when you are finally ready to go it alone, you will no longer have this transferred feelings of love for your therapist, they will be given back to you and you will love yourself.
He isn't an appropriate love partner for you anyway. And his being gay didn't matter as your therapist, he simply could be trusted because he likes and cares for you as all good therapists counselors do.
So keep sticking with your therapy, and sure it is painful what you are going through, but the pain is not caused from your love for him, it is caused from peeling back the layers of your inner self. Do the work, you will come out on the other side a much stronger person.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (1 November 2009):
 Falling for your therapist while you are in therapy is called transference. You feel that his understanding you, his 'getting' all you problems is an ["unconscious redirection of feelings for one person to another. One definition of transference is "the inappropriate repetition in the present of a relationship that was important in a person's childhood".] (Wiki.)
So, you are transferring your need for love to someone who is listening to you right now, and you are definitely repeating your pattern of falling for another totally unavailable gay guy. The fact that this might come from something in your childhood means you might want to investigate personal counseling or psychotherapy in order to figure out this pattern instead of relationship counseling.
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