A
female
age
30-35,
*lmxx3
writes:Im straight out of college and 22. I have started working a law firm as a secretary, there are two partners. I am a secretary for only one. A few months ago a partner asked me to dinner I turned him down and he asked a few more times but I kept saying no. Finally a few weeks ago i said yes, he's they most amazing man ever. But there's a catch he's 21 years older...creepy I know. Im usually the person who frowns upon such a large age gap but I can't help it. He has been married but his wife had a few personal demons and he divorced her many years ago. I thought about it for a long time we've been seeing each other for 6 months and I think he's the one. I've never thought of something like this and I don't know what to do. I found the ring, and he planning on asking me to marry him. I love him so much but I don't want to be the weird couple or the couple who every talks about. He does make a lot of money and has practically everything but Im not sure. He's a devoted father which I love, he has two sons. Im only 7 years older than his oldest son, which is kind of weird. His son has a disability. I want to go back to school to become an elementary teacher and I just don't know if he will fit in with my life. Im so scared, I don't want to loose him but I don't want the be "different" should I just forget it and move on or should I marry him.I want children and so does he but he is getting older. Anyone else in the same situation?he is everything I ever wanted smart, handsome, wonderful career.11 minutes ago
View related questions:
divorce, money, move on, want children Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 April 2012):
 I am a HUGE supporter of age gap relationships… but ONLY where both parties are on the same page.
You are 22. He is 43. It’s a big gap and at 43 and 64 it’s easier to imagine as you would have had a lot more life experience to call on then…
Raising a disabled child is incredibly difficult and taxing… and if he has custody of the child it will fall to you. IT did on my ex-husband’s wife… who confided to me a few years ago after he had a massive heart attack and she had spent her life raising these children who are not hers (and never having any of her own) that if she had it to do all over again she would not. This is NOT a happy woman. But she is staying because it’s the right thing to do… is that what you want? I wanted kids too at 43… now at 52 if I only get to hug a grandbaby once in a while I’m fine with it. My body deteriorated between 43 and 52 so severely that I am now looking at permanent physical disability that is AGE related. I even asked my 38 yr old fiancé (see I told you I was ok with age gap relationships) if he wanted to leave this old decrepit woman before we married… thankfully he is in for the long haul
So at 33 do you want to push your partner in the wheelchair while he pushes the baby carriage??? It could happen…. One day I was just a tad bit sore… the next day I couldn’t move and a week later I was given the crippling sentence for life… NOTHING could have changed it.. it was not a lifestyle issue or a genetic issue… it’s JUST how my body is reacting to OLD AGE…
At 43 he probably wants to go home and veg out at night and on the weekends…do you? Or do you want to go out dancing and partying?
Money can’t buy love or happiness.. and even in misery money is not going to fix it all….
Don’t rush into things with him… maybe if you are that gaga and can’t walk away you should live together but not marry….
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 April 2012):
 First of all I would hope he doesn't propose yet, 6 months is too short of a time, specially with this huge age gap.
You have JUST started your adult life, he is in his mid 40's? So he has a HUGE amount of life experience compared to you. Which makes the relationship very uneven. He also makes a TON more money then you, so that too is uneven.
Can he keep up with you? Does he have the "father-role" or is he more of a solid partner. Have you two talked about the future and YOUR goals, hopes dreams? If not, why not?
I'm not saying it can't work, but I do think it's a very uneven match.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (3 April 2012):
 I dont think the age gap is the main problem - your biggest problem is going to be the future. Think about it this way, when you are 30 he is going to be 53. When you are 40, he is going to be over 60 and probably retired. You will end up being a young woman caring for an elderly man, and I think at that point you will resent him for taking away a big part of your life. In your 30's and 40's you still should be having fun, dinner parties with friends, days out with the kids, nice holidays abroad, the occasional night out....but with a husband in his 50's/60's he is not going to want to do much of that. When he gets into his 60's his life will be slowing down, whereas you will still be full of life.
I know it is hard to look so far ahead when you are so in love, and I bet right now it doesnt seem too much of an issue. But I do think in time it will become a bigger issue.
You say you want kids, he already has 2 - does he really want to be a dad again? In only 7 years time he will be 50, and presuming you wont be getting pregnant tomorrow the child will only be 5 or 6 when dad turns 50. It is going to be very hard for him to keep up with a child of that age, in your late 40's/early 50's your body isnt quite the same as it was when you were in your 20's & 30's! His career is obviously at an important stage now he is partner, he will be very busy and that is a demanding job - is a screaming baby keeping him up every night really what he wants, when he has been through that years ago?
His fertility should be ok but then again, as a man gets older sexual problems can creep in, and his sperm may not be as potent as they used to be, so there may be problems there. But the bigger problem is the child having a dad who is pretty much old enough to be his/her grandad - that is far worse. You will have to do the majority of the parenting as he simply wont have the time or energy to be a hands on dad.
If you are thinking about going back to school, then that would indicate that you wont be planning on having children for a few more years - having a baby and being at school are two things that dont mix! So that is another delay on having children, making your partner even older.
One more thing that worries me - you have only been together 6 months, you cannot be serious about getting married so soon surely?! If you have ever looked at divorce statistics you will know that one of the biggest divorce stats comes from people that got married very quickly and were not together long enough before they said "I do". So you will become another divorce statistic if you get married now, you hardly know the man and have not spent anywhere near enough time with him to know if this is going to work long term.
I think you need to slow down a bit, put the ring and wedding on hold and just think seriously about your future.
You have to ask yourself if you will be happy caring for an elderly man when you are in your 40's/50's, because we all know health deteriorates as we get older so when his health declines you will still be reasonably young, caring for an old man. You have to decide if you are ok with potentially having fertility issues and problems conceiving. You have to figure out if you will be fine with your child having a very old father, who cannot play with him/her the way a younger dad would be able to. You will be the parent with nearly all the responsiblity, because as I said before he wont have the time or energy to be a hands on dad.
Forget what everyone else thinks. What matters is what YOU think. And what you want from your future. Work out if he is worth the sacrifices and compromises, or whether you dont want to sacrifice so much and would rather meet someone closer to your own age. Love cannot conquer all, and if you want something different from your future then that is fine - you just need to decide for yourself.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (3 April 2012):
Honestly, people will notice the age gap. Of course they will have their judgements about it, does it really matter what they think? No. BUT, I'm 28 and I've been seeing someone a little over a year that's 42. We have a 14-year age gap and it's weird for us. I do however, think of what Wisdom mentioned--when he's 50 I'm only going to be 36 and it worries me that I won't be attracted to him.
After all that, I already know it won't work out between he and I. We don't want to marry each other, and quite frankly, I don't want to be with a man that's THAT much older than I am--not only does it concern me, it also concerns him.
So, with that said. I think you should wait a few more years before you decide to marry him. Quite frankly, you change A LOT as a person from 22 going into your late 20's. You just barely got out of college and you haven't really lived your life yet. If you have kids say, 5 years from now he'll be 48, by the time they graduate high school he'll be 66 and you'll be barely older than he is now!
Besides that, what do you really think is going on in your boyfriend's head? Being 43 he knew you were much younger than him but he kept pursuing you anyway. Does he want a trophy wife? Why doesn't he want to date someone closer to his own age? I understand you can have a few things in common, but at his age, he's experienced much more than you have and it would hard to relate in some instances, especially since there's a fairly large generation gap.
In the end, I think you're going to end up doing whatever you want to do. Everyone has to find out for themselves. Sure it can work, there are people that are many years apart in age but have been married a long time. But I think you should quit trying to rush things along so quickly, you have plenty of time.
...............................
A
female
reader, Wisdom  +, writes (3 April 2012):
 he is everything I ever wanted smart, handsome, wonderful career.
I love him so much but I don't want to be the weird couple or the couple who every talks about.
Honey, You are very young you will find someone your own agae tht you can grow onld with. Think of it like this. If you are 60 then he will be 81.
43 is not old for a man. If you are a woman in her 30's!
If you are not sure then it would be kinder to leave him now than lead him on. Maybe the ring is not for you? Have a chat with him and see how you go.
Good luck
...............................
|
