A
male
age
36-40,
*igJoe
writes:So Ive been with this girl for over 2 years now and nearly everything is great with her. We moved in together 6 months ago and we still get on really well and I love her very much the problem is her lackof sexual desire. She has admitted she no longer cares about us having sex. She has always been fairly reserved in that department and never lets me touch her / give her oral ect. Our sex for the last year or so has been maybe 2 times a month and it's just not enough for me. I feel myself wanting more from other women but I don't want to do that to her. We have discussed it many times but she states she won't change.I feel like we may have to break up because of it but I love everything else about her so much I don't know if I should. Really need some advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2015): If she enjoyed having sex with you before then I would say there is an underlying problem. It's always hard to talk about these things but it NEEDS to be talked about. It is not fair to either of you to continue like this. Has she been working more? New medications or birth control? Has she been distant in other ways than just the bedroom? Let her know how you feel and if she is not receptive..then it might be best to break up. Good luck!
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (15 January 2015):
 Just because someone (or both people) are asexual doesn't make sex any less important in their relationship. In fact, to an asexual, I'd suggest that sex is more important than someone who has a sex drive.
An asexual person would need someone who is just like them for sexual compatibility, which is very difficult to find, like a rare blood type. A true asexual isn't someone who has a bunch of sex in the beginning of a relationship only to lose interest due to age or a medical or mental condition. Asexuals don't have relationships like sexual people do. They aren't attracted to others in a sexual way.
The OP said someone very interesting here that makes me absolutely sure that she is NOT asexual:
"She has admitted she no longer cares about us having sex."
She made it personal..."US" having sex. Not "She's not interested in sex at all" or "She's not attracted to me in any sexual way".
That shows that she's either cheating, or has depression, or a resentment of sorts to him. The way he describes her shutting him down has a withholding tinge to it, which isn't what asexuals do. That's what controlling people do, but she's still having sex with him.
He *has* to break up now because she will not change.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 January 2015):
 To Anon & OP,
Yes, like Midnight mentioned, YOU are not asexual. For you sex IS important. For OP sex IS important, he isn't asexual either.
Just because his GF doesn't like sex, doesn't MAKE her asexual. That is a WHOLE other kettle of fish. OP's GF just don't like sex. (at least not with him). Being reserved about sex (as the OP put it) doesn't mean she is asexual.
Just saying Approx. 1 % of the ENTIRE population of the UK are what's "termed" asexual. NO sexual desire. MORE of these are women, then men.
Then you have the group of people who just dislike sex for various reasons (usually rape, abuse, trauma) and that is MUCH larger group, again MORE of them are women.
And of course there is the group of women who are so ingrained from religious beliefs and their upbringing that sex is not something a "good girl" should enjoy. There is SHAME attached to it. They will have sex, even "bad" sex, because they know it's expected of them. And I personally think the OP's gf is in this category.
Sex is a lovely way (for most people) to show affection, but it's only PART of the wide variety of how people are intimate.
The reason I write this is not to "disagree" with you, just to point out that there are many varieties. What works for one group of people might not for another. Doesn't mean either group is "wrong".
OP - I hope you find some things to think on with all the answers that can help you make your choice. It's not an easy one. Whether you go or you stay. So, good luck. No one will think you are a bad guy for wanting MORE sex in a relationship. And no one thinks you should "martyr" your sexuality and stay. YOU have to find what will make YOU happy, short term and long term.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (13 January 2015):
 You wouldn't choose to have a relationship without sex because, like the OP, you aren't asexuals.
You couldn't happily be in a relationship without sex because, like the OP, you're physical makeup desires sex, asexuals' doesn't.
OP, I wish you the best; you need to have that chat and decide if it's something that can be improved enough for you both to be happy, or if it's something that will continue to be an incompatibility.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): Hi Honeypie. I respect your opinion.
But personally I could never stay in a marriage or any long term type "relationship" of any sort if there was no sex... or if the sex was boring and/or infrequent. Period.
And I am sure there are many people like me out there.
Maybe that is why I choose to keep my boyfriend as my boyfriend and would never cross the line of making him my husband! LOL
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (13 January 2015):
So, asexuals can't have a proper relationship because you don't consider it one unless there is sex? There are ways to be intimate without sex, Female Anon - kissing, hugging, etc. Also, they aren't "missing out" because being asexual isn't a choice, just like being LGBT - or are they supposed to force themselves to have sex because then they won't be "missing out" on something they have no desire to do?
The OP is considering breaking up with this lady because sex is an integral part of HIS relationship, as it is in the majority.
OP, you really need to have that calm chat with your girlfriend about how she feels about sexual intimacy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 January 2015):
Female Anon,
I have to disagree.
You can be asexual and have an intimate relationship with ONE person, it IS a relationship. If they BOTH feel the same way about sex, then obviously it isn't as important to them as other aspects are. Doesn't make it "platonic" or a friendship. And Asexual don't "miss out" on sex. Asexual have no sexual desires. It's NOT a choice of being celibate or "not liking sex that much" it's a total LACK of sexual desire. Doesn't mean they are robots who can't have romantic involvements and loving relationships.
Then you have couples like my husband and me. 19 years together, but due to heart-attack, surgery and meds hubby really can't "perform" to the same extend he used to. We are still intimate in MANY other ways. Doesn't mean we are now an asexual couple, but SEX is not (and really haven't been for many years) the FOCUS of out relationship/marriage. THERE is more to a relationship/marriage than the nook-nook.
Just because the sex is good, doesn't make the relationship "better", but a huge imbalance in sex drives can make a relationship NOT work long-term.
Just my 2Cents.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 January 2015):
I'm telling you - Honeypie reads my fricken MIND!
It could be her, but before you dismiss it as being sexually compatible, let me ask you this hypothetical question:
What if you never got to have an orgasm again during couple sex?? What if you got all sweaty for 5 minutes or so, went through the same motions, but never got to "finish"??
That's many women's lives, sad to say. You wouldn't want sex if there weren't any real payoff for you. Sure, you'd like the closeness, and your ego may take a good boost in pleasing someone else, but if you weren't getting anything out of it, wouldn't your interest wane??
This isn't to say that she doesn't carry responsibility in how things are going. If she wasn't getting satisfaction out of your love life, she should have spoken up.
I say this mostly for your future partners. You need skills -- you mentioned a willingness to go down on her, and that's very commendable! But what kind of experience do you have overall? Has your sex life gotten stale, or has she been faking it when she's with you?
Do you rely on intercourse alone to give her an orgasm? If so, only 25% or less women can do that, and that's only if the guy's got stamina.
Lots of times, the foreplay wanes as well. Kissing, backrubs, sexual adventure goes by the wayside.
Unfortunately, she seems disinterested in working on it. I really feel for you -- It would be hard on me to have not much of a sex life. Trust me -- going to other women while you're in a relationship is not good at all. It's best to end what you have before that.
Otherwise, have a talk with her. Get her to be openminded about what you're going through. Tell her what sex means to you. Open your heart to what you go through when it feels like she's rejecting you. So many couples fail to do it. So many women don't see what it does to a guy to blow off his needs like it's wrong for them to exist, or worse -- treat him like a dirty person for even asking. It's also a tragedy when a women gets nothing out of a sexual relationship because the guy has his own system down without increasing his skills and prowess because he's learned what it takes for him to get off, so that things like kissing and taking time fall by the wayside.
Be happy you're a guy. It's easier for you to race to completion, barring ED or medical issues. But trust me - a woman who is completely satisfied and left shaking, breathless, and utterly spent tends to want lots more repeat performances. I know I do!
I hope you can work things out, but she's got to be on board and so do you. There needs to be a changeup in how things are done.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): Hello Midnight Shadow. Female Anon here.Sex IS an integral part of any relationship. I stand by this statement.If two people are asexual and happily agree to be asexual together then it's a moot point. (But man are they missing out!)But then it really isn't a true relationship. They are just companions or friends.If sex isn't integral, it would just be a friendship. Nothing more.I did not mean friendship or companionship or roommate type "relationships". I meant a romantic and not platonic relationship. Romantic relationships do include sex in the mix.I do feel that even if two people love one another and there is no sex, it is a pity even if they both don't care about sex. Because sex is a way to show, share and express your love for each other and takes that relationship to a whole other level. Which sets it apart from and excludes all other relationships.Going into a marriage there is an implied contract even unspoken to be sexual with each other, even for the sake of procreating. And if sex was not so integral then most married men (and some married women) would not be cheating outside their marriages.Clearly sex is integral enough for the OP to consider leaving his girlfriend. And his situation is quite common.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (13 January 2015):
 Here's the facts as presented; You enjoy sex and she does not. Should the two o yoy together? In my opinion ,no way. The desires or sex will become a friction that wi crush any relationship. She needs to find omeone that is not interested in sex. Good lck with that.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (13 January 2015):
I disagree with the anon female that sex is an integral part of any relationship and anyone who thinks otherwise is fooling themselves. In fact, it's an incorrect statement. There are people who no longer care about having sex and there are asexuals who have no desire to have sex anyway - they can have relationships that are great too, but what the anon female's point should have been is that sex is an integral part of any relationship where one of both people want sex. You have to be sexually, or asexually, compatible - if not, it won't work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): I think it is definitely enough to break up. I only see it getting worse, not better.Sex is an integral part of any relationship. Anyone who says it isn't is fooling themselves.My BF is married and was in a sexless marriage for years and years. He has been having sex with me for 2 years because his wife is asexual. He should have left, yes but the point is he was so sexually deprived that he sought out an outlet outside the relationship. This is an example of what not to do but just illustrating what does happen if you stay with someone who has no sexual interest in you. Believe me it does happen that couples are sexually incompatible and have been from day one (but they married or stayed together for other reasons) or it has happened later in their relationship for whatever reason. It is never a good idea not to include sexual chemistry as a big part of choosing a life partner. And if the sex does drop off, if you love each other and want to work together to get it back, then communicate and do the work to regain the spark. But if you can't, then yes you need to leave and find your happiness. Any marriage or relationship is not set in stone. It isn't a prison sentence especially nowadays. And you should not have to live the rest of your life being unfulfilled. Always ends up being a costly mistake. If you do love each other, I advocate trying and working on it. But realistically even if you do love her and never have sex with her, this is going to cause irreversible damage and it will eat away at you and your relationship as you will begin to resent her.Better to bail out now and find yourself a FULL relationship that meets all your needs. Because if you do stay, eventually you will cheat.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 January 2015):
Has she EVER enjoyed sex? - not talking oral, not everyone likes that, but in general? Or has she "complied" with sex because that is what people in a relationship does?
I know women who had lousy sex and stayed with the guy, because he had other qualities.
I'm not saying that YOU are bad at sex, you may not even know how little "enjoyment" she gets out of it, specially if she has faked "it" in the past. Or not told you she whatever happens in the bedroom does nothing for her. Some are raised with the notion that sex isn't supposed ti be fun, it a chore to just get over with. That it is dirty.
Some women with abuse in their past also resent/dislike sex. As it was used without consent or care.
Some women who have gone through an abortion or miscarriage can also resent sex. Why? Sex got them into that predicament. It can end up being a simple correlation.
So there can be many reasons as to why she isn't liking sex. And THAT is OK. I would actually STOP asking for it. And TAKE the next 30 days with NO sex to figure out if you want a "fuller" partnership or if THIS is it. She won't change. (or so she claims)
She is pretty adamant about her stance, she doesn't like or want sex. She "tosses" it out there twice a month in hopes that, THAT will be enough for you. Not really fair to you.
If you DO stay with her it WILL dwindle to no sex at all, and you WILL be consumed with "thoughts of cheating" and you will perhaps even "justify" it with, well, SHE never wants sex...
I think your relationship for the most part have run it's course.
One thing is wanting to be celibate, but to basically force your partner (you) into the same celibacy is not fair.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (13 January 2015):
When you do have sex, does she enjoy it? 100%? Many women fake it because it's too embarrassing/ too much hassle/ too difficult to explain what works for them in bed. It's not something you want to hear, but if she has been having sex and not getting pleasure from it, then it's no wonder she doesn't enjoy it any more. I personally hate being touched by my boyfriend's fingers or tongue because it's just too sensitive to be touched directly (can't do it myself either), but over underwear and with toys and it's great. Have you tried thinking outside the box to find things she does like? If it's definitely not that, and as others have pointed out it's not for medical reasons, then she just has a low sex drive and unfortunately you are just not compatible.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): Over-time, frustration becomes resentment. You are still quite a young man, and you have needs. She has made it clear
she will not change. I'm pretty sure after two years you must have some idea why she is this way about sex. It isn't something that suddenly came about.
I think you would know over the course of two years, if it was a physiological issue or side-effect of medication. She refuses oral sex, and just doesn't care for sex at all.
Sex only two times a month would bring me to the conclusion you have begged for it; or you piled enough guilt on her that she simply just submitted to you. Your post is an indication you've reached the end of your rope about this.
We can't tell you if you should break-up. You have to base your decision on how strongly you feel about her, and what you're willing to sacrifice to stay with her. She isn't your wife. She may fear getting pregnant. She may have been sexually-abused or molested in her early childhood. The fact remains, a very important ingredient is missing from your relationship. That being intimacy.
You love her, but she doesn't allow you to fully express your affection and attraction to her. Sex is a very important expression of affection. It keeps a relationship healthy and alive. It helps you both to relax. It brings a couple closer together. It feels good.
The problem is, you've started wanting other women. It's only a matter of time before you'll act on it. You can't force a woman to have sex if she really doesn't want it.
You can't remain faithful to her, if one of the things you need form her she will not give you willingly.
If you can't remain faithful, it is best that you end your relationship before you go to other women for sex.
Women rarely offer you sex without feelings attached; unless you hire prostitutes. That is totally unfeasible, expensive, and risky for sexually transmitted diseases. You may have sex with some random female, and your own feelings may attach. I wouldn't ask her permission to have sex with other women. You don't really know if she truly means it if she agreed to it. You would be rather insensitive not to consider how much it might destroy her feelings to be asked such a thing; or having the knowledge you want to.
If I were facing this issue personally, I would end the relationship after exhausting every possible option. Which would exclude going outside the relationship. I'd end it before I did that. I want it all. The affection, love, sex, and monogamy. Others have suggested talking to her about it.
If she hasn't been able to explain it after two whole years, and it has grown even worse. Why bother talking about it anymore? If she hasn't considered therapy or anything else that would show her desire to please you.
You never would have written a post, if you loved her so much you were alright with that.
You're a young man. At some point in your life, you may want marriage and children. A sexless marriage would be awful for you. When people reach a point they have to seek advice what to do, most of the time they've already made up their minds. They want to ease their conscience by asking for permission. If the lack of sex is making you unhappy in a relationship with her; then base your decision on what you feel is best for you. She should be with someone who doesn't care much for, or doesn't want sex. Sounds like she'd be happy if you just remained friends.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 January 2015):
 if she has always been like this and it's not a change recently due to medication (birth control and anti-depressants can cause a loss of libido) then it's not going to change or get better and in fact it will get worse and worse.
you are not sexually compatible and that's a perfectly good reason for ending a relationship.
the other option is getting her permission to have sex with other women.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (13 January 2015):
You will probably have to break up; if there isn't a medical issue here, she's likely to be asexual, so your sexual compatibility is going to cause resentment.
Talk to her calmly and ask her to be open about why this happens.
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