Her actions concern me..should they?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships, Trust issues

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Question - (13 October 2009)

5 Answers - (Newest, 13 October 2009)

A male age 51-59, *uy619 writes:

Am I wrong to be concerned about her actions? How can I gain the strength to walk away? Am I the problem?

I am struggling with making the move and saying how I really feel and my gf is pushing to try to get me to buy a bigger place so that we can move in to together.

Mt gf has moved her stuff in to my small place and we can hardly move. Also our clocks are on different times. What I mean is that I get up early for work and she likes to stay up late and often eat late too -so I fell under pressure to stay up way later than I want. I know it sounds boring to want to get more than 5 hours sleep but I just don't function well on that amount of sleep.

The other day she stormed out of the cinema. She wanted to see a particular film so I agreed to go after work. When we arrived it turned out that she hadn't checked the time correctly and so we had to book in for another film. I didn't realise this at the time as I had left her in the queue to go and buy a couple of things to eat and drink for the movie. When I got back she had chosen the film. The film started and she was in a good mood. The film was set in a country that she likes and which brings back difficult memories for me. Two years ago she left me to go there for a couple of months as she wanted to get away and we were having a difficult time.

I wanted to be with her properly in the relationship but she wasn't interested in us at the time and had already stopped me from ever voicing my feelings to her. She left the country and wouldn't tell me where she was going or who with. I found this very painful at the time. She had a couple of flirtations while there that I know about (she confessed to them) and then one day she called me and told me she had slept with a complete stranger - a guy she accepted a lift from on his motorbike.

I was at work and felt pretty bad but spoke to her at length on the phone and even found myself consoling her. After that I took myself off to counselling and spent a year trying to come to terms with my feelings about that and other things. I can say that I have dealt with them to the point that I can cope with the feelings.

I turned to her in the cinema and asked her why this film? The film after 20 minutes was quite slow and a little boring and in retrospect I think she agreed. However I couldn't be prepared for the big reaction I got. She was very angry with me and accused me of having a problem with the film because it was set in that particular country and that she had had such a good time there in many ways. I assured her it wasn't that I felt anything apart from a bit bored by it and very tired from work. I was happy sitting in the warm cinema watching anything.

She said we might as well leave and I said that if she didn't want to stay I would follow her. She walked out.

The rest of the evening was awful. I hate the arguments and bad feeling. But for once, and I'm getting stronger, I didn't break or give in when she accused me of having a problem. I stuck to my inner feelings and kept saying that I just didn't want to argue and that I was ok with the film but of course I do remember what happened but that I had put it behind me. After all I had my own happy memories of holidays there many years ago before I knew her.

The day after the cinema evening she went to see 'job' she has coming up. She's creative so this involves her making something. The job is for a guy who she did some work for a couple of years ago just before she went away.

This job came through her ex boss who she got quite close to when she was working (a couple of days a week 3 years ago). They used to send each other a lot of texts and he knew where she was in the other country and who she was with. She also admitted to their relationship becoming flirtatious and he kissing her a couple of times when she went away with him for work. I confronted them after I walked in to a pub and found them holding hands across the table.

This current job is a continuance and adaptation of the previous work and her ex boss helped her a lot with technical expertise. As she needs this input she contacted another guy who is skilled in this area to get advice a couple days ago. She said that he said he was busy and had to go and look at a job in town. She asked him if he wanted help when she found out that he would be going on his motorbike. She told me that he picked her up and took her and she helped and then dropped her off afterwards. During the day she had been texting me asking what time I was finishing work and what time I would be back.

The point of this - and what I am trying to communicate is this: I don't mind her getting a lift somewhere (even though she is always completely wowed by a guy with a motorbike) but I did ask her if he paid her for her time which for me was, I admit, a way of trying to say that I think it would be good if she tried to get a job of some kind. I feel bad because I really am starting to resent the fact that I get up early every day to earn money which goes to support us both and pays all the bills while it seems to me that she spends her free time, and that's every day, either calling guys for 'advice' about some project or other, meeting guys for coffee or lunch (never women) and generally turning every slight offer of work in to a social event.

If that sounds bitter I have to own up to it - and I probably don't sound a very nice person but I'm feeling this. It irritates me profoundly - and I feel bad about the way I feel at the same time.

Yesterday, Friday, the end of the week she contacted me at 5.45pm wanting to know what time I would be home. I said in about an hour and that I was tired and would probably have a shower and relax a little. She suggested I sleep a short time and that she would come back from her studio (a free space she has from a guy she knows who runs his own business) and that we should cook something nice or go out and eat. I agreed.

At 8.45pm she contacted me to say she had been out for a drink with him and that she'd just dropped him off at another pub and that she wanted to go back to the first pub for 'an orange juice' as she was driving. She wanted to say hi to a couple of people she hadn't seen for a while. I said ok even though I had been waiting and had purposely not eaten as I thought we were eating together. At 11pm she contacted me to say she was still in the pub drinking (rum) and asked if I wanted to meet her at the pub. Then there was another text asking if I would pick her up. I arrive at the pub at 11.50pm and she comes out with a guy we know and asked if I could drop him home. I agreed of course but was tired. When we got there he invited us in for coffee and I could tell she wanted to so I just let it happen.

He offered me a drink (whisky) but I was driving so I just asked for tea. I think she wanted me to drink because she said I could 'just have one' as I think she wanted to drink more. We left his house at 1am and drove home arriving at 1.20am I was very tired but she then wanted to eat something and have more to drink. Also she was all over me - hanging on my shoulder and trying to get me to be affectionate - perhaps even intimate I don't know. But she was really drunk and I was totally turned off the idea.

I said wasn't hungry and she turned cold and went straight to bed. I don't understand her - and part of me thinks she got drunk in order to throw herself at me. It makes me think she can't stand the thought of being with me unless she is drunk - something that has run right through our relationship.

Recently I found some notes that she had left out about her feelings for me. In them she says that she does not love me, that she can’t see herself ever wanting to have sex with me again, can’t admit to anyone (or describe me) as her boyfriend or partner as it ‘it doesn’t feel right’ and that she wishes she could meet someone else. Since then – a couple of weeks after – she asked me to marry her. She wants children and wants a ‘nice place to live’ she is pushing hard now to get this and I am in the strange position of knowing her feelings toward me, still loving her but at the same time not wanting to commit to a marriage which seems doomed to be loveless and painful.

I have recently told her that I read her notes. She responded by saying asking me how I know that the notes were about me. I am in absolutely no doubt that they were about her feelings toward me. It seems she has made a decision with her head that a life with me, where I work and provide a home, a child, and enable her to pursue her creativity is a better choice than being alone or searching for someone she really loves.

I feel I have started to lose some respect for her if it really what she is doing - but I have spent so long giving her the benefit of the doubt and hoping she will one turn round and say she loves me. I feel pathetic now to say this.

Any thoughts you may have I would appreciate.

View related questions: at work, drunk, flirt, her ex, kissing, money, text, want children

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A male reader, NightLad +, writes (13 October 2009):

I’m going to shoot straight with you; I know a guy (in real life) that married a women just like this. I’m not trying to stereotype all women, but hear me out: he put off her hints about marriage for a while, and when he went on vacation with his adult son he asked her to stop in to feed the dog. When he got back, she had not only moved in but had thrown away almost everything he owed, including boxes of things that belonged to his son (even keepsakes from when he was a baby). She also went through all his financials by breaking into a locked filing cabinet (he learned this much later). Within a week she was magically pregnant, despite having been on the pill. Or tick-tacks. One baby, one year of marriage, one messy divorce and one soul-crushing defeat in the family courts later... and he is now bankrupt. Just a year ago he was set to retire in 3 years.

I doubt those notes were left out by accident. My guess is she was trying to manipulate you even further.

So... run. Run fast, run far, and don’t look back. Pity the next guy she sinks her claws into, but don’t let it be you.

There are so many wonderful, worthy women out there. Women who are interested in partnerships, not a work-mules or meal-tickets. What you have to ask yourself is; are you worthy of one of them? I think you are. Don’t sell yourself short, and for the love of god don’t sleep with her. I’d put money on pinholes in the condoms or tick-tacks in her birth-control pill dispenser.