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Help me to move on after the he violated my trust

Tagged as: The ex-factor, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 March 2015) 4 Answers - (Newest, 30 March 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Recently I split with my partner of 2.5 years. We split last August for 3 months and reconciled in October under the circumstance that we were completely honest about what had happened since we split, had it all out cards on the tables I completely admitted to what I had done myself and he admitted that he had been in touch with ex via Facebook and had only messaged her, no meeting up or anything like that. So we decided to give our relationship another go after we worked out our issues. However a week ago today I had an urge to check his phone (hadn't done prior to this moment) as I felt something wasn't right. Call it gut instinct, women's intuition. I found messages and photos to and from the ex girlfriend (explicit and non-explicit) asking where each other were that they couldn't wait to see each other, asking each other out on dates and there was one specific photo that she had sent to him that someone had taken of them both in his local pub. So I had the proof that they had in fact said and done a lot more to what he had originally admitted to. So I confronted him about it, he didn't deny it just apologised for it happening. I told him that I'm not angry for what had happened between them as we were split at the time, I was hurt by the lies that he told. As a result of being lied to I ended the relationship due to a complete trust breakdown. I could have stayed with him and tried to make it work but I would only be lying to myself. I can't trust him after I have found this out and I don't deserve to be lied to, I'm a smart girl, I know my worth. When I left he sent me a message saying he was sorry for everything which I didn't reply to and then he messaged again 4 days later explaining that he's been selfish and that he's sorry and keeps apologising for what he's done. But when it comes down to it I can't be with someone that I can't trust so I'm sticking by my decision.

The problem that I'm having now is how upset I am over the fact he lied to me, I know it's the right thing to do to walk away but it hurts so much that he would lie about it. I don't want to let him try to weasel his way back in with more lies.

Yesterday he was telling me how much he loved me and wants to be back with me, yet since then he has since been in contact with another girl that I've had doubts about. To me if he wanted to make it right he would be doing everything he could to make it right but he isn't, everything he says is a lie.

I feel so upset and stupid that I fell for the lies and I know that I don't need him in my life I'm just really struggling with the breakup.

Please is there any advice anyone can give me on how to move on and forget about him? Thankyou

View related questions: ex girlfriend, facebook, move on

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (30 March 2015):

Ciar agony auntOP, I have to say, this post is a refreshing change from many, many, many, MAAANNNYYY of the ones we read in which the guy is an absolute cad but she won't leave because she just 'loves him to bits'. They make for a painful read.

OP, lies don't work on anyone unless they sound convincing, otherwise what would be the point? And we can't spend every moment on red alert. It's not as if he was obviously dishonest and you willfully chose to ignore it. The minute you smelled a rat, you verified, confronted and dealt with it. Nothing to feel silly for here.

Kudos to you for sticking to your guns, but don't try to force yourself to forget him. Forget the past and you're more likely to repeat it. Besides, it was good for a while, wasn't it? There is nothing wrong with cherishing what you had (or thought you had) while you had it. Let yourself grieve.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 March 2015):

Honeypie agony auntPlease don't feel stupid.

You did the right thing (in breaking up the first time) and what you FELT was the right thing (getting back together after airing out and fixing issues) and when it turned out that he had LIED to you you left him again.

Which to me are the right choices. (though personally, I don't believe in taking breaks or going back to an ex, but you have to go with what YOU feel/felt is/was right for YOU.)

CUT the contact with him. Block him from your phone. Or even better get a new number.

YOU wanted to see the best in him, so you TRUSTED that he was telling you the truth. THAT is not being stupid. IF you had THOUGHT he was lying you wouldn't have gotten back together, would you?

I can't see why you are beating yourself up over this. HE lied. HIS actions. YOU are NOT responsible for HIS actions. YOU didn't MAKE him lie. HE has the chance to fess up and BE honest with you, to RE-ENTER the relationship with a clean slate. HE CHOSE to lie, he CHOSE to sneak around with the ex.

And he MADE those choices NOT because YOU are stupid, but because HE is selfish and only thinking OF himself and what HE wants.

All the BS he is NOW trying to spoon-feed you comes from the SAME mouth/heart as the LIES.

Go absolutely no contact, no need to explain to him why - JUST CUT HIM off.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (30 March 2015):

So_Very_Confused agony auntDon't feel stupid. You found out he lied and you took the necessary action to end the relationship.

Now go NO CONTACT with him so that you don't have to be stressed by his words. His actions show you that you were correct in your interpretation of his behavior.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (30 March 2015):

janniepeg agony auntHe was wrong for lying. I believe he lied because he thought he had a better chance to be with you if he made himself more innocent than he was. But it just seems like he's hiding something and he's still feeling for his other ex. Now you know he has a track record of going back to exes and not really working out relationship issues. For a person who's been lied to numerous times, I understand how important it is to gain back trust. However, putting a relationship in surveillance is not a way to go either. When you look into everything he says and always prepare for bad news, it's like squeezing life out of a relationship. If you want advice to move on it's to tell you it's a good decision to end the relationship. He did not lie to hurt you, or think you are stupid to believe him. He lied because he's weak and gets off on secrecy. He may not feel it's your business to know what he did when you were not together. He should have said he would rather not discuss it, and to start with a clean slate. That's better than lying.

You can tell yourself you tried, it didn't work out but you don't regret anything. It's not so surprising that he would lie again is it?

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