A
female
age
30-35,
*ourtneyybrookee
writes:Ever since my mom got a facebook I've had suspicions of her cheating on my Dad. I've seen her on it and she mostly talks to guys. About a month ago I was downstairs alone her phone went off, I looked ( I know I really shouldn't have) and it was all texts from a guy named Alphonso. I was like ugh whatever she's gross. Then this morning again I was downstairs alone and her phone went off. It was a text from Alphonso and it said "hi still busy with people baby. miss you, text you later." I didn't know what to do I just closed the phone, my Dad is my best friend and I already kind of dislike my Mother, what should I do?
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male
reader, HotGeek  +, writes (22 October 2010):
What should you do? Stay away from it, it's not your business.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): You would need more evidence to go on before you reach the 100% conclusion that she's having an affair. At the same time, one's intuition or gut feeling is often very accurate.
But the evidence so far simply isn't strong enough to justify you raising these suspicions with your dad. And even if you had the overwhelming evidence of your own ears, it would still be a very difficult conversation for you to have. How on earth are you meant to raise the subject with him (or her, for that matter)? What on earth are you supposed to say?
(Also, if you look at it in terms of your own self-interest, it may not be in your interests for them to split up, which would be a very likely consequence of you telling him - are you really sure you're prepared for the upheaval that a break-up/divorce would cause you? What's done can't be undone)
I know how you're feeling, and I know it doesn't get much more horrible. My mum has been conducting a wild affair for five years with my dad's so-called mate. There are ways of finding out, and mine couldn't have been any nastier.
My dad was working occasional late shifts on radio about five years ago (I was 15) and I went out to the movies with my girl pal, we got unlucky with the buses and when we got there we'd missed the first 45 minutes, so I just came home. I turned the key in the door and the blood drained from my heart, I could hear unbelievably loud, high-energy sex going on upstairs, and since Alan's car was parked outside, I knew straight away it had to be him (I'd always been slightly suspicious of the way they looked at each other, but didn't think any more of it). The voices confirmed their identities; the noise made me feel sick to the point of feeling faint.
Powerless to do anything about it, though - what was I meant to do, march into the bedroom and ask them to stop or be a bit quieter? All I could do was sit there, my heart pounding, while she had God knows how many orgasms. It became unbearable after a while, so I just went out again and walked around in the vicious rain for hours.
I've never confronted her, even though it's still going on, with increasing brazen-ness. They've even done it while my dad was in the house, at her 40th birthday party last year, they invited all their friends round for a few drinks, and at one point I couldn't get into the bathroom because the door was locked and he was f***ing her brains out. (It had to be him, since my dad was downstairs, and it had to be her, since I think I know what her voice sounds like after living with her for twenty years. And a blind and deaf mute would find it impossible not to pick up on the sexual chemistry every time he comes over.)
It's hit a point where they're clearly getting off on the risk of being caught. On at least five or six occasions, I've heard them having a 'quickie' in the spare room as if they've forgotten my room is within ear-shot next door. Hearing her 'talk dirty' is the hardest part...or maybe the howling orgasms...the whole thing is very unpleasant for me, though she clearly loves it. I'm just thankful I haven't SEEN it, though hearing it isn't exactly easy to deal with.
I can't bring myself to tell my dad - and I can only imagine how much it would hurt him - but I think he's AT LAST beginning to suspect something, they had a blazing row a couple of months ago when she was going out allegedly for 'a drink with the girls from work', dressed like a thousand-dollar hooker.
You'll have to decide how this affects your opinion of your mother. Obviously it's a major black mark and will have a permanent negative effect on the way you think of her, but it doesn't make her the Antichrist. My mom's otherwise a pretty good person, great fun and kind and caring, so I suppose I've no option but to let her have her fun. Doesn't mean I approve or think it's OK - I know it's WRONG WRONG WRONG. But I won't be the one to blow the whistle - I might as well fling a grenade into the house. Nor will I lie to protect her if Dad ever asks me flat-out. If things carry on the way they are, she's going to get caught, no doubt. And if so, she can face the music.
As far as your mother and yourself - it sounds like a troubled relationship, you 'already kind of dislike her' and this pre-dates your suspicions about the affair - is this antipathy quite recent, was there a time when you got on well, have you always been at one another's throats?
Whether or not there's anything shifty going on, you need to find a way of putting it in a box and dealing with it so that it DOESN'T bother you any more than it has to, since it's NOT your fault if your suspicions happen to be true. Don't let it ruin YOUR life. It's not your fault and therefore shouldn't be your problem.
Best of luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): If she really is cheating your dad has a right to know. Tell him what you know but don't add or subtract from it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): You are taking the risk that your relationship with your father will move to one when he thinks of you as the person that caused him to break up his marriage. Best to leave that role to someone else.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (19 October 2010):
 Ah the older you are the more you are affected by the divorce.
Some pretty strong accusations you got there..It could very well be something but then again it could be nothing. Just because your mom made a Facebook doesn't mean she's having an affair, however I'm a little leery of this guy's texts. With that being said, you could talk to her but I highly doubt she will tell you the truth... I've had my mom lie to me about her affair, because I suspected her. Again your mother is a grown woman and it's not like you can stop her from whatever poor decisions she's making. By telling your dad will only cause the problem to blow up faster especially if it is nothing. If she is, your dad will catch her. Cheaters almost always get caught. But for now, there's nothing you can do but go on about your business and wait till the fireworks happen..If that does happen I suggest you go stay with your grandma or relative till it blows over.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 October 2010):
 I agree with Vintage, this really isn't yours to explore or expose here. You don't know the details of their private relationship (between Mom and Dad) and you may be allowing your dislike of your mother to look for things to criticize her about.
Maybe work on what is bothering you about your mother in the first place. Why do you dislike her? Is this something new or have you always disliked your mother?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (19 October 2010):
Talk to her and put her on the spot.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (19 October 2010):
 Your suspicions could be right, but they also could be wrong. You need to have more information before you go ahead and accuse your mom of cheating. Does she have a friend named Alphonso on Facebook? Try talking to her, but not in a confrontational sort of way. Just talk to her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): You don't really know anything, you are just making a guess, what goes on between you mum and dad is their business, it really isn't a good idea to get in the middle of it.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (19 October 2010):
 I think you should ask her about it. Sounds like you have a right to be suspicious. This certainley doesn't sound like normal behaviour for a married woman.
What ever you do, don't mention anything to your dad. If you find out that something is going on, give her the chance to come clean herself, and don't force her into it either.
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