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anonymous
writes:hiya everyone, this is my sister in laws account. she recomend i go on here with my problem as she didnt really to know my problem. well im not sure if this is going to get posted because its a little extreme but if it does, oh please some one help. okay well ive been seing this guy for about 6weeks. he is the sweetes guy ever so caring, and loving. everything was great until last week when we decided it was the right time for us to have sex. he was so gentle and he went down on me and it was amazing until he really hurt me bending my legs right back by my head and started touching my bum with his mouth. because my body was so crushed i couldnt tell him to stop over the noise of the tv, after about 10mins he stoped and roled me over and forsed himself into me, my bum. he was so rough with me, he made me bleed. he pulled a hole chunk of my hair out. and brused some of my ribs. once it finaly ended he could understand why was kicking him out. i was wondering what you think i sould do about it. and was alo wondering if men get a kick out of forsing a lady screaming her head of and crying into having sex. please help me. i really dont know what to do and im in so much pain. xxx
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female
reader, Angel ron +, writes (24 June 2006):
 Report him he has raped you and its illegal go the police and report him now no man has the right to do what he did to you do it now before itsa too late and before sometoher woman gets hurt.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2006): I totally agree with Wendy G & Dr. Psyche; and yes eddie, I can see where you are coming from, you have to look at these things from every angle.
In my experience on the subject the man has always looked into my face as they made love, to watch my reaction and make sure I was enjoying it. This, surely is the mark of a good lover; consideration and mutual consent - not brutal self-gratification, as this selfish animal has performed on you. AND STOP giving him excuses - he does not deserve them...what possible excuse can he have for the pain he put you through. Never mind that he was lost in his own excitement - everyone gets carried away in passion, but not so that they pull hair out and treat you as if you have no say in the matter. The sex should have been about MUTUAL pleasure. I do hope that you decide to prosecute this creep; as his previous poor victims should have, and saved you from this agony - you did not deserve this, chick..good luck and be careful who you choose to sleep with in the future. (as if you need me to tell you that now!)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2006):
Ghosh!!! REPORT the B without thinking.....i do see eddie's point here being a law student, but nonetheless report him. Be prepared for all the nasty and ugly questions though in the court. This is serious and you would need a lot of support...please talk to your parents and seek some solicitor's advise.
Good luck
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female
reader, carebear +, writes (9 June 2006):
 I still say you should report the B...... as he will do this to some other poor woman. Eddie i know you are taking stick for this - think your first time with new g/f and you do this???? plus at least with a b/j it not painful this was and prob still is. To the female you are not alone this has prob happened to ther girls and sometimes i wish younger girls would read things like this as he was someone you knew ansd prob liked. what will you do if you see him again? again you prob don'e want everyone to know your bussines but you done nothing wrong this is a monster!
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female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (9 June 2006):
 I appreciate that you had a conversation beforehand about what you like, what are you like, and what you like doing. Im sure at no point you told him that you liked it rough and without permission to enter your rear! this still amounts to non consensual sex. he is as you say a rather larger man, and probably knew that he could overpower you, and he should have still been more considerate and actually asked you if you wanted to have anal sex, rather than just ram it anyway. Im sure that yes you did consent to sex, but not of that kind, and for him to not at least ask if you were okay, asked if you wanted to do it showed that he is a complete brute! For you to be bleeding heavily afterwards is not even a nice attempt at anal sex, he didnt even give you the choice let alone go it slow and make it enjoyable for you. Im sure yes you agreed to vaginal sex and thought thats what you were getting, there was no discussion that anal would be what would happen straight off, so he forced himself on you. No matter what you say in his defence, he clearly did not have your feelings in check at all. A kind considerate lover would have least asked if you were okay, how far you wanted to go and then take things slow, he did not, he just assumed that you were up for it without evening checking, Your not in the wrong he is, he should not have done this without your consent. It doesnt matter at what stage things had got, he still did not have your consent to have anal sex so this is still in fact a rape. I still suggest that you maybe seek medical attention and maybe some counselling as it sounds as though you are trying to take some of the blame on this and are trying to kinda of defend him, in that somehow it was your fault. No it was not your fault you didnt agree and he just brutally got his way in.
Take care x
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionits me again, i want to say thanks to those who have already giving advise. i also want to answer some questions and maybe explain alittle more what happened through the evening. Can i say sorry now if this is a long reply!! We had been out for a meal and shared a bottle of wine. We went back to my place to watch a film and opened another bottle wine, which did make us both very relaxed and open!! he was asking the typical questions do you cum quietly or are you a moaner? do you spit or swallow? and i answered them. he seemed please to hear i was a moaner who swallowed, shortly after telling him this we started kissing, he was very gentle. we both decided it was the right time for us to have sex together. (im not a vergin and this was happeneing infront of my tv, on the living room floor) we striped each other and he started making his way down, and started giving me oral. that was good, until suddenly he pushed my legs right back which really exposed my bum. and started licking it. the lights were off and my legs right by my face and his head down there, it wasnt possible for him to see my face. also with my legs by my head cause my body to be cramped and it made me very short of breath and very very differcult to say stop which i really did do. he must of thought me moaning for him to stop and wiggling to attempt to get away ment i was enjoying it. but i really wasnt. he rolled me over really fast and i didnt get my breath back in time to tell him to stop. he forced him self into me and i tryed to get away and tell him to stop but most of my face was in the pillow and the other half was covered by my hair. i dont think it was possible to see me crying and if it was... he ignored it. im 5ft 4 and only 9stone, hes 6ft something and about 15stone so the presure of him is what bruised me and he pulled my hair out as he cam. i kicked him out straight away, jumped in the shower and stayed the crying and sitting in a pool of blood for ages. Yes i was willing to have normal gentle sex with him, not rough anal. oh and im 23. not a silly little drmatic little girl.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2006): Eddie,
Answering questions of 'controversy' like this does get people's emotions stirred up. And to put one's thoughts in writing without being miscontrued, is difficult if not impossible, sometimes. We've all been there...on the 'hotseat' a time or two on this website for voicing our thoughts and opinions. I know I have! :D You have done a marvelous job of answering many, many other questions on this websit and your insights are well appreciated. Keep them coming.
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (9 June 2006):
 I'd like to apologize to those who think I'm uncaring. Or to those I've offended. I'm on the woman's side here. When I first replied, I didn't see the final sentence about sceaming and crying. Before any of you judge me though you have to think this through as a cop would. Everything has to be in cronological order. I'm not uncaring. I've got a teenage daughter and a wife. Maybe because I'm not a pig I can't imagine being that forceful with a woman. Give me some credit though, I've answered many questions here. I said from the beginning that this guy was a BRUTE but she has to be careful about remembering when the NO was communicated to this jerk in order to press it further. THAT unfortunately is the truth.
eddie
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (9 June 2006):
Dr.Pete, what shocks you? I said the guy is wrong,he's a brute and should be reported. That is the obvious part. These things get cloudy though. My point is, at what point does it become rape? Obvioulsy in the end when someone is having hair ripped out, it's rape. Something is not right there. As I said, a caring man wouldn't do this. What I said was, there has to be a clear signal that a person is not consenting for it to be rape or it might not be believed. It's clear tis guy is not a pleasant character and should not be left to do this again. As I said, playing the devil's advocate, many women have been put through hell in court to only to be made ot look bad.
This woman should talk to someone who can help her but it has to be someone who has the ability to hear the entire story. If this woman is young especially, she should talk to someone about this because it's obvioulsy bothering her.
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female
reader, Hopeful +, writes (9 June 2006):
 I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you sweetie, not a pleasant experience at all.
I would leave this guy immediately. If he can't see that you were upset and scared after that, he obviously has some sort of mental health issues.
Yes, some men and women like rough sex but the fact that you bleed and your hair was torn out in clumps is really disturbing and i can only imagine how painful and scary for you. It really crossed the line in my book.
The fact that he doesn't seem to think these things are odd or didn't ask you how you were and seemed amazed that you threw him out shoes that he has a lack of consideration or remorse or even understanding of how these acts are not really acceptable or how they hurt you.
Normal people don't behave like that in the bedroom and 99%of men are very caring and don't want their partner to feel upset or scared or in pain.
Leave him immediately - he sounds like really bad news. What a pig he is!!!!
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female
reader, Hopeful +, writes (9 June 2006):
I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you sweetie, not a pleasant experience at all.
I would leave this guy immediately. If he can't see that you were upset and scared after that, he obviously has some sort of mental health issues.
Yes, some men and women like rough sex but the fact that you bleed and your hair was torn out in clumps is really disturbing and i can only imagine how painful and scary for you. It really crossed the line in my book.
The fact that he doesn't seem to think these things are odd or didn't ask you how you were and seemed amazed that you threw him out shoes that he has a lack of consideration or remorse or even understanding of how these acts are not really acceptable or how they hurt you.
Normal people don't behave like that in the bedroom and 99%of men are very caring and don't want their partner to feel upset or scared or in pain.
Leave him immediately - he sounds like really bad news. What a pig he is!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2006): eddie I am shocked at your views about this, especially considering the tone of this girls message. I actually feel like removing your posts I feel so strongly about this.
Perhaps your views about consensual sex should be discussed elsewhere considering the horrific nature of the incident that has been described?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2006): You didn't mention the word rape for a reason, I don't think you have really accepted what has happened to you, and dear, you really do need too.
You might decide to do nothing about this, or you might decide to talk to someone, maybe not now, but in the future. You have to do whatever you feel is right for you, ok?
Whatever you do, I hope you will be ok.
Peter
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (9 June 2006):
Carebear...I didn't say anal is normal for everybody. It is however normal for some people. If you think that some people are not into anal sex, you're misinformed. I'm not saying it's good or bad, I'll be the first to say I haven't done it but it happens all the time. You're either into it or not. The most important point is this, Say no right away if you want something to stop, not later. Some people are not into oral sex. Does that mean if a man puts his penis near a woman's mouth, she accepts it, but gags when he ejaculates, he forced himself on her. No it doesn't. Some women enjoy it while probablty the majority are grossed out by the ejaculation part. It's all personal preference. If he's a gentleman and cares for the woman, they might discuss it first.
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female
reader, carebear +, writes (9 June 2006):
This is serious how old are you? if this was your first sexual experiance the this is not the norm. sex should not be you pinned down and him doing whatever he wants there is something really wrong with this guy you need to muster up all the courage you have and talk to someone your sister-in-law can she tell your brother cause this guy need sorting out one way or another, i know you must be in pain but what if this guy does this again to some other woman(eddieyou say this is normal) tough your butt did you read this he forced to have annel sex this is NOT RIGHT please you will not forget this report him!!
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (9 June 2006):
To the guy who says I'm a jacka$$, read my reply again. I'm assuming you can read. I said the guy is a jerk, brute etc. You're missing the point. If this woman is disgusted now but didn't resist when it was happening, it's not rape. In order for it to be rape, you have to comunicate to the other person to STOP. If you didn't tell that person to stop, then it's not rape. If you didn't want something to continue, you have to say so. I said I was playing devil's advocate. How loud does the TV have to be so the person on top of you can't hear you say stop. This woman may have been scared, as she should have been, but unless you say STOP !!! you've consented to being there. Whe she got to the point wher she was screaming and crying, THAT should have been a clear message to this guy. Maybe this was a very young woman, inexperience etc. That could explain some of this. From my personal experience, and not that I've done this, it would seem VERY difficult to have anal sex with someone who is not participating. After he got to that point, yes, she should have called the police. She STILL should. It would be good to start a police file on a guy like this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2006): that eddy guy is a jacka$$. Its definitely rape, sexual assault, GBH and a few other charges. Its too late to say no now...I think you should take him somewhere quiet and remote like Alaska and sort of make him disappear. I doubt you'd get caught in Alaska... but thats just me
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female
reader, sibaan +, writes (8 June 2006):
 he is a spitefull, disgusting, pig of a man in my opinion! how dare he hurt you like that! id press charges, he has probably done that before so you'll prob be doing other woman a favor!
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reader, eddie +, writes (8 June 2006):
First of all, this guy is a jerk, to say the least. How long did you know him and is this the first time youhad sex. Don't take tis the wong way but I have to ask you some questions. Did you willingly get into bed with him? You say you couldn't ask him to stop over the TV. Does that mean you " didn't" ask him to stop. The reason I ask is because if you got into bed to have sex and didn't struggle against him or specificaly ask him to stop, I'm not sure it's rape. There is no question that the guy is scary and uninformed about women but let me give you an example.
At some point, you were not thrilled with his behaviour. Perhaps whenhe was bending your legs back too far and touching your bum. Did you tell him not to do that. I mean if you didn't like the feeling or manner of what he was doing, did you let him know? If you didn't let him know but carried on, then you were seen to be a willing partner. In reality, even though this guy was a brute, we don't generally get permission each time we move from first to second base in the bedroom. Some people, although few I would imagine, like being rough. Pulling out your hair makes me wonder what the heck was going on. What did you say to him at that point?
Don't misunderstand me. This guy is trouble !! But, if you get into bed, you have to be able to dictate what goes on. Whatever you go along with is OK and not raope, until you reach the point of no longer going along with it. Then no means no. Until that point, you've only said yes. Also, you seem a little upset that he touched your butt. For many people that is normal. For others it would be completely off limits. In finishing, if you tell somebody to stop and they don't, it's rape. If you don't tell them to stop because you're not sure if you like it or you feel guilty late for not being more firm with him, it's not rape. How can a person just "role" you over and penetrate you anally? That doesn't sound easy. How loud was the tv that you couldn't ask him to stop? Anal sex is supposed to require lots of lube and care at the best of times.
Yo might think I'm taking his side but I'm actually being the devil's advocate. Those are exactly the questions you'd be asked in court.
Good luck.
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female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (8 June 2006):
 You may have given consent to have a normal sexual relationship with him but you didn't consent to anal sex, physical pain or force. Under the law rape can be non-consensual sex at any stage - that means that you can get into bed for sex with a man, but if you want it to stop or didn't agree to his conduct then it is rape and assault. It sounds like he has been watching some dodgy pornographic video and decided you would be his victim for reenacting this. Whatever the situation, you really must report him to the authorities - he may be known to the police for being aggressive to women (they often have soft intelligence on people before they arrest). You need to write him a letter too - one reason is for your own self healing as you need to explain to him why his behaviour is fundamentally wrong, but also to document what has happened. Your GP will be very supportive and can refer you for specialist counselling and get you checked out for anal lacerations etc. However, it is really important that you pluck up the courage to report this guy because he is clearly a dangerous predator and needs to be dealt with by the authorities to stop him raping another woman.
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reader, bonym +, writes (8 June 2006):
 Wendyg is SPOT ON. This is RAPE and he should not get away with this. This is not rough sex, did you actually say you wanted to have sex with him? If the answer is no then this is rape because you had sex against your will. My dear go to the GP for a check to make sure everything is ok first and then ask yourself "Did I consent to sex with him?" If yes, then obviously it is not rape but you need to tell him that he was way to vigorous and violent with you, if you did not consent, he needs arresting for rape, that is not on. Good luck. xXx
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reader, Dr T  +, writes (8 June 2006):
Christ..Get to your Doctor ASAP. Some guys do enjoy rough sex but a normal guy will have the common sense to discuss this with a partner/potential partner before doing what this animal did to you. This is definitely not normal behaviour and if this twit couldnt understand why you threw him out he is either a neanderthal, the most immature guy on earth or is pyschologically ill. Get well soon and take care out there.
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reader, Wendyg +, writes (8 June 2006):
First of all its rape. If you didnt consent to this happening and you were calling out for him to stop and he didnt then you really need to report what this man has done. He cannot be allowed to get away with this and carry on as normal as there are other woman that he may well do this to. Not all men are like this, and this may be something that he has seen in a porn film and this does indeed turn him on. Hes got to understand that whilst some do like this,(not many!) that not all woman are up for this and that he has to accept how far an individual wants to go. And this should have been dicussed before it went any further, but he just decided to do it anyway regardless of how you felt and carried on despite you screaming and protesting, this may well have been a fantasy of his and one that he feels is normal, but to enact it wihtout the conesent of the person he is with does amount to rape. You have to consider if he does think this is normal, he may have only had a few partners previously and one may have liked it rough, so when you kicked him out he may not have realised why because he thought it was normal because its been done before, but hes gotta realise that not all woman like it that way and its not conisidered an everyday occurence. You must be feeling pretty shit in a word about all this and may feel that you want to talk to someone in a professional capacity, you can do this privately and in confidence,nobody needs to know, but it might help you to come to terms with what has happend. Not all men do think this is normal, far from it and you must not think that men are all out to do this, most men are caring and considerate when it comes to their parnter and put them first, its hard given how you are feeling right now and you may need help to deal with what has happend. you may feel its hard to press charges (and you dont have to)as sex was agreed at the begining, but it turned into something that YOU DID NOT AGREE TO and it is wrong as he forced himself on you and this was not in any way consensual, and he needs to realise this, he cant carry on thinking this is normal and allowed to carry on when someone doesnt consent. You may also want to get yourself checked out for any lasting damage, it is pretty soft tissue around that area and will heal, but you want to make sure that no infection starts, i know its hard but you need to find someone, a gp or someone at a local clinic,(its completely confidential) that can take a look and make sure your okay. No one needs to know, that you dont want to know, but you gotta make sure your okay. I hope things turn out okay for you and if you want to mail me for any further advice please feel free. But please think about the next step and how you want to treat this.
Take care x x
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reader, camille +, writes (8 June 2006):
 I am so sorry that you have suffere4d in this experience. Some men do get a kick from rough sex and so do some women, but not in your case and that's the issue. You say you couldn't be heard over the tv? I'm sorry but this was before he rolled you over, he would have been on top of you, been able to see your face? What was going on? Surely he could see you weren't enjoying it? I am confused as you say you were crying and screaming your head off. If you were and he continued, he raped you. Is your pain still physical as well as emotional? You must see a doctor to get checked out if it's still causing you physical pain he may have done some damage. I think you should have photos taken of the bruising in case you take this further. It's totally up to you what you do next. You can report him or start by talking to a doctor, friend, family member just talk it through with someone. I know you'd been going out together for 6 weeks, but this isn't normal behaviour for him to hurt you when you're not into that. I assume you're not seeing him anymore?
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