A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met my current bf a few years after my divorce( with my hs sweetheart and first) and after a rebound relationship. I found him to be the sweetest guy( very polite, helpful, responsible and very attentive) After dating for a couple of years( and having normal intimate encounters,lol) we moved in together. That's when he started getting weird and asking me to do weird things in bed( lick his anus, sucks his balls, let him have anal intercourse with me( all of which have been rejected by me of course! lol I have expressed myself to him before and told him that I really don't feel loved( he has never said I love you to me and has never made loved to me..... we've just had conventional sex and the odd quicky when he was feeling horny and I didn't feel like putting up a fight) I told him that I want to be intimate with him and express my feelings for him when we are together not experiment like a couple of adolescents and that I have no interest in kicky sex to which he said " the problem isn't that I want kinky sex, its that you want boring sex" A few days ago i told him my mom said we should stay safe and take good care of each other during stressful times like these.... he replied yeah your mom said you need to start taking better care of me and satisfy me sexually!!
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divorce, horny, I love you, moved in Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2020): I was going to recommend meeting him half with a little bit kinky acts. I have a good idea most couples checked that butt sex box in their 20's and moved on. I'm an adventitious guy and sort of cringe looking back, we must have been drunk.
But reading your two followups I think you should move on ASAP.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2020): He seems to have severe insecurities from his sparse sexual past and is trying to feel more like a man by being a perv, trying to empower himself with sexual experiences. But real men aren't just COCKS to their women and that's where he fails. Not being emotionally vulnerable, being closed off from you and manipulating you. He needs therapy and to grow up.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (4 April 2020):
 I wish you good luck OP
I know it's not easy to accept that someone is without for all the wrong reasons and isn't a good match at all, but now that you know, it's time to move forward so you CAN find someone who IS a great match.
So get your ducks in a row, find a place you can afford, wish him good luck and block him from further contact.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (4 April 2020):
 Glad to hear you're planning a life beyond him, but don't get hung up on the 'I love you declarations'.
There are plenty of happy, sold couples who barely say it because their actions say it for them.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2020): He has been watching too much extreme porn probably from a very young age so his tastes and preferances are completely twisted and deformed by it. You will do him a good deed if you ask him to read a few well written books on how to be a good lover.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (4 April 2020):
 It would probably be better if you didn't kill him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionP.S. I stayed with him for this long even though he hasn't said I love you because my ex husband used to say I love you so much( practically instead of hi and bye) that it started to be meaningless so I was willing to wait for it until he actually meant it but I don't think he loves me.....I just represent all those women who have rejected him in the past and didn't allow him to live out his weirdo fantasies....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all, THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOUR ADVICE AND OPINIONS!!
You are all right and have really made me think.....He hasn't said I love you because he doesn't....he just wants to play with me and live out his adolescence which he didn't get to do when he was younger because he was nerdy and awkward and women didn't want to sleep with him( his past two girlfriends right before me never even had sex with him and he even married one of them to keep her in the country!) I think he is also overcompensating for his LACK OF SEXUAL EXPERIENCE..... by demanding things that perhaps more experienced people do.....I even had to teach him how to kiss like a grown up and not like a slobbering all tongue adolescent and I think he remembers that and wants to outdo me and make himself feel more dominant in bed by requesting those things!! I am NOT his play toy and will not let him use me to take out his frustration on women on me so I think I will continue to live with him ( and kill him with kindness) until I am able to get my own place and move out and he can go back to living in his mother's basement suite( where he lived until we moved in together) and go back into debt( he owed 80k on his cc's when we met)because he likes to spend money on women who won't even have "boring" sex with him!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 April 2020):
Anon male,
The guy isn't wanting to "spice up" the sex life, because if THAT was his goal he wouldn't JUST ask her for things HE wants HER to do.
He would ASK her what she would like to try and go from there. Find something they BOTH want to do, not just HIM getting HIS wishes/desires met.
You can "spice up" sex life and still keep it "vanilla" and respect HER boundaries.
Also, he didn't start ASKING or WANTING these things until they had moved in together. He wanted to make SURE he had her in a place where she might be more likely to DO what HE wants in order to keep him around. People should HAVE to disregard their own boundaries and comfort levels in order to "keep" a partner.
He is also using the term "boring sex" to make HER feel like she isn't exciting to him. While it MIGHT be boring sex for him, HE could have left a LONG time ago for someone who was more into what HE is into. He CHOSE to hide it UNTIL they moved in and then pulled the switch.
Definitely not a good match for EITHER of them.
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A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp  +, writes (3 April 2020):
So you've told him what YOU want and he's told you what HE wants but nothing has changed from either party, not because either of you is right or wrong but because you want very different things when it comes to intimacy. The ball is in your court. Is this how you want to spend the foreseeable future?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2020): Well him not saying I love you, that isn't good, and there is a but,well it sounds like he has more experience in the bedroom,you are old fashioned, nothing wrong with that, but you're not thinking about his sexual needs, it sounds like he wants to have more excitement, I understand this cause am going through the same thing,sex can be boring, but look he wants to spice up your fun in the bedroom,I bet you won't even play with toys, and he probably is always on top,try a few things, it's just you two, you might be surprised, he might say those words, I love you,hey nothing wrong with talking a little dirty too, that really turns on a guy.well be careful cause he just might meet another woman, good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2020): Well if you don't like doing those things to him, then you shouldn't. Some women would just do them to keep him happy. Been there and done that. I worry if I don't he might leave me for someone who would. But is that love? I feel insecure with him all the time and feel like his sex toy even after years together. And he barely says I love you. He's the wrong guy.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (2 April 2020):
He has never said "I love you"? And you dated him for years? And you moved in with him?
The evidence indicates that he won't be saying it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 April 2020):
Oh good lord, dump the asshat!
You two ARE not compatible sexually and that incompatibility spills into the rest of the relationships.
He is withholding the intimacy YOU want because you don't want to do what HE wants sexually.
So in a sense you are both holding each other hostage sexually, because you are NOT compatible overall.
He has been helpful, attentive, sweet UNTIL you moving in together then he pulled a bait and switch and presume now that you LIVE together you are to be subservient sexually.
I'd tell him to pack his stuff and move out (if the place is yours), it's not going to work. (if it's his place, Id pack and move out).
He sounds like a clown who can't think past his own penis.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2020): Unlike husbands, boyfriends are easily disposed-of and replaced!!!
If you stick around just to moan and complain; then he continues being him, and you'll just continue complaining.
If your excuse is the common excuse we always get "...but I love him!" Then you didn't write for advice. You're sending out invitations for a pity-party; and hoping somebody has a magic spell to change him into what you want him to be.
Apparently he's not all that nice, and seems more like a perv and a creep. Most sex-pervs are darlings; until you see what they do behind closed doors!
He's a kink, and you're not. That's not just sexually-incompatible, it's emotionally-incompatible. He won't even say he loves you!
The ball is in your court. I have to echo Code Warrior!
DUMP the SOB!!!
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (2 April 2020):
This is not treating you like a queen. He's very immature and his tastes put you at risk.
I'm afraid this is as good as it's going to get with him. There just isn't enough about him to make him worth the effort.
Not what you want to hear, I'm sure.
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