A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. My husband and I have been married for nearly 5 years now. Both of us work in the medical field. When we got married he promised me that he would continue to do his higher studies to achieve his dreams. 5 years later, I have managed to get through my exams and achieve what I have always wanted. But my husband is still not doing anything about his studies. He changed the streams a few times and just last month he promised me that he would study and get through the exams this time. And now he’s telling me he doesn’t have the drive anymore and that he doesn’t want to study or sit for any exams. He wants to start his own business. We don’t have enough resources for anything right now. I don’t want mountain high debts just because he thinks he is good at business. I’m so disappointed in him. I married him for love but I also liked the drive and the motivation he had towards life and his career. I don’t know what to do. I feel like he fooled me all this while. I believed in him and now he is a big disappointment. Please tell me what to do.
View related questions:
debt, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2020): You do know that marriage vows include "for better or WORSE"
Do you know what that means? That you are supposed to stick together even if you are WORSE off together. It goes hand in hand with for rich or for poorer.
Yes, it is unfortunate your husband disappointed you by not pursuing a career you thought he was going to. It sucks that he seems to have a wishy washy attitude, changing streams all the time.
I do understand that you would prefer him to choose a career with some security in times like these. Talk to him about maybe pursuing something less risky than going into business. Something you could build a stable family life around. But it certainly doesn't have to be medicine. He found that is not for him.
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (4 April 2020):
Sit down talk to him about it. If you cannot live with him not being whatever it is you want him to be. Then leave. After reading your letter I have the feeling you would be doing him a favor if you did.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (3 April 2020):
 "I married him for love but I also liked the drive and the motivation he had towards life and his career."
His drive and motivation were part of the person you fell in love with. I wonder, is it only his medical career that he has lost enthusiasm for, or does his lack of enthusiasm spill over into other areas of your life? Do you still recognize him as the man you fell in love with or has he changed completely?
While his career should not define your relationship, his attitude and enthusiasm are part of his personality - or at least they were once upon a time. If he has gone from being an enthusiastic go-getter to a nonchalant being who can't build up enthusiasm for much, then he is not the man you fell for. It is not just about the job; it is about him as a person and the goals you once shared.
I wonder, is it possible that he is suffering from some sort of mental health problems? Could he be under stress he cannot handle or even suffering from depression?
Does he show enthusiasm for starting his own business? Has he thought it through? Does he drawn up plans and budgets and forecasts? Or he it just a "plan B" to escape from a career he no longer sees as long term?
You two need to talk and you need to find out how he views his future. Then you need to decide what you need out of this relationship and whether you are going to get it. If not, then maybe you would be better going your separate ways? How does the thought of doing that make you feel?
Sorry, no real answers but hopefully some food for thought. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2020): You appear to be more interested in the end result of your career could that be status, is this really your dream? We need people in business, these are some of the great pioneers and why should you say he will fail and he is not worth the risk of debt.Why does somebody else have to do what you're doing, We can have different dreams and share our lives together.Your disappointment is of your OWN VISION, he has a vision too. You have not been conned, maybe just maybe this man has a great destiny ahead of him in business.He has lost his drive because his heart is not on his own pathway.Whatever medical field your journey takes you on, I hope you have the heart of the people always underneath the title. Be disappointed that you are not happy to support your husbands dream, after you achieved yours.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2020): Whoaw! Hold-on a minute! You're both in your mid-30's, and still studying for exams? What field of medicine are studying in? Lets do the math. You leave high school at 18, 4 years medical school, you'd be about 26. After an average of 4 years of residency, most American medical interns are about 30. Too much later than that, you're still prime for medical school and internship; but most people are like your husband. If they haven't made it by their mid-30's, they'll quit, or change professions. If you're going to be surgeons or specialists in the field of medicine; you'll have to be dedicated to the hilt!
I'm curious as to where love and support for each other fits into the mix? If he is choosing to take another path, why are you certain he's likely to fail...yet so certain you will succeed?
Life has no guarantees, and there is no telling if you yourself could reach an epiphany and decide to take a new path. Love is based on many traits, needs, and attributes. Lack of ambition for a previously-chosen field, or pursuing another interest, shouldn't be cause to consider a divorce. Maybe you need to reassess your values, compromise, and navigate a new course that will not cause a rift in your marriage. You don't get to chose his life's path, nor deprive him of what he really wants to do. Sometimes a calling is so strong, you will hear nothing but the relentless sound of that inner-voice. You have decided to pursue what you wanted to be when you grew-up; but other influences and persuading-factors may have made him pursue medicine, in spite of what his true-calling or desired profession may be.
I do have to agree with you. Considering our current economy and the devastation this Covid-19 virus has had on even the most powerful and financially-successful of businesses; his uncertainty is impractical, untimely, and could potentially cause you significant financial-hardship.
He has to make sound and practical decisions, based on the situation at-hand. It would behoove you to be supportive of his pursuits and endeavors toward being self-employed once he has found a way to survive the present. Innovation and entrepreneurship is often born from times like these. Not without suffering and sacrifice.
Try and be understanding, not dictatorial. In his own defense, he will engage his male-ego and pride; and he will also become rebellious upon realizing the notion that you don't believe in him. Now that is the kind of stuff that breaks marriages apart.
Urge him to put his current skills and education to the best of use; for the sake of being money-wise, fiscally-responsible, and using economic-foresight. Now is not a time for pie-in-the-sky ideas! Survival is our primary-objective! You've got a good head on your shoulders; I think you have what it takes to keep him on-track. Don't be too quick to give-up on your marriage; unless you no longer love each other. I hope ambition wasn't the only thing he once had to offer, that attracted you to him.
If he's suddenly seeming lazy, aimless, or discouraged; it may be due to some underlying factor or issue that he hasn't shared out of his pride or shame. Has he begun abusing drugs and/or alcohol? Those are often contributing-factors when highly-intelligent, ambitious, over-achievers suddenly change. Otherwise, something critical has happened. Such as the loss of a loved-one. Maybe he has unwisely locked horns with a nasty unyielding-professor; who has levied a venomous-attack against his academic-career. Sometimes words said to you in anger are a deathblow to your self-confidence. I've even heard and witnessed doctors telling interns they were in the wrong profession! They'll get full of themselves, and let their lofty-egos destroy the fledgling medical-careers of promising doctors; because they were on power-trips, envious, or aging. Maybe they were just hungover from too much single-malt scotch!
You're his wife. Be understanding. Get into his head, and find-out why a sudden change of heart?
Too much opposition, discouragement, and the implication that he could only fail; might get you the opposite of what you want from him. Provided, you want to maintain the marriage. If it only hinders on you both being successful doctors; then divorce him, and wait until you find the real man of your dreams. Only to discover that money and success is nothing when you don't have love!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 April 2020):
 While I'd say someone in their 30's should have a sense of what they want to achieve (job/career wise) and what they are capable of skill wise, maybe he has come to realize that the field he was looking to get a career in isn't what he really wants to do.
My husband served in the Army for 26 years. It wasn't what he initially wanted. He wanted to teach, but didn't feel like he would be good at it. He has also worked on oil-rigs, in the medical field and now at 50, he is back in college. And you know what? I support his choices.
If he is such a disappointment, then end the marriage because it seems like the husband you want is someone far more driven. Or maybe more driven towards a certain career and he isn't going in that direction anymore.
If he has been "floundering" for 5 years and not help provide to the household while you have studied hard and worked hard to put food on the table, I can understand some of the disappointment. But it doesn't make HIM a disappointment or that he fooled you.
Do you not want him to be content with what he does for a living? Getting a degree in something is nice (I have 2, that I don't use) but it doesn't means there is only ONE path in life. For you maybe, but he isn't you. He isn't your clone either.
Have him sit down and make a plan on HOW he plans to achieve his goal. Is it realistic or the latest "novelty" for him? Starting your own business costs money, but more over you have to KNOW the field you want to "break" into, you have to have a plan of action to get a loan, you have to have a GOOD sense of what else like it is out there. How is the market over all? And considering that most States are on lock-down for another month (at least) can his business really start up?
Just because he doesn't want to be in the medical profession any longer, doesn't mean he can't be a success, does it?
You need to have some grown up conversations here.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2020): I thought you said that you liked his drive and motivation? Why is that drive and motivation only allowed to blossom in the direction you see fit? People are allowed to change their minds in life. It's not as if he's saying 'I want to sit on the sofa for the rest of my life'. He wants to try making his living in a different way to the way he did when you married him. People change. If you love him and believe in him, then there is usually a way to support each other. This is what marriage is about. Life isn't just one line that never deviates or changes with time and experience. Life moves and changes and he wants to try something else. A great relationship allows the room for expansion and change otherwise everyone in a relationship would just stagnate. Your husband sounds as if he sensed your disapproval before he said anything and I think that that is why he has continued with a trajectory that just wasn't him anymore. Why not surprise him and be loving and supportive of his plans? You never know, you may need his understanding one day. And by the way, to call him a big disappointment is frightful. He's a human being and we don't always make the right career choices first time around. We don't have a crystal ball.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2020): Wow.So you married your husband just because in the future you thought he would have a better job? Love had nothing to do with it then? When you married did you take your vows serious?In sickness and health...richer or poorer..till death do us part. So you think your husband is not smart enough to open and keep his own business? You think you are above him?wow. Girl you need to get off your pedestal.You are not better than him or smarter.Who knows he may be very successful at his business.Why would you not want him to do what makes him happy?Why would you not have your husband's back in his endeavors? Get counseling together and apart.You have a lot of work to do if you want to keep this marriage.
...............................
|
