A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is loving, respectful and we get along very well with excellent physical attraction. We have been together about ten months. he talks about our future and marriage and babies. We've had a few issues, mostly my insecurities regarding an ex who broke his heart just over two years ago. I'm very insecure and in the past I pushed him about her, he never brings her up but my questioning obviously kept her in his mind. She had a young son who he technically lost when they broke up. One of the hardest parts for him, and when we had a massive fight about it, he told me this. He has been looking at her facebook page daily now. He said that it is something he has to deal with in his own way so I haven't brought her up or mentioned anything about her. It hurts though, and I wonder if its normal to do this. He seems otherwise to be totally devoted to me but its still causing me to be insecure. So I just get over it? I don't want to start another fight, he says that it's not an issue its just his way of dealing with things. I think he has a slightly obsessive personality with regards to lots of things but I told him its not something I will put up with months from now. And he agreed. Should I leave him to it and trust that he loves me like he says he does?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 July 2013):
 IF he broke up with her (or she him) two years ago and he still NEEDS to look at her facebook page DAILY then no he's not done with her.
I'm sorry I can't sugar coat this.
You will either have to deal with him pining away for her or you will have to leave. You can't demand he stop mourning his loss of his girl and her child.
If it bothers you, then you may have to leave. You are not saying to him "her or me" what you are saying to him is
"I love you and want to be with you BUT I cannot deal with the fact that you are not done mourning the loss of your ex and I have to walk away because of this. I'm sorry I'm not as strong as you want/need me to be to cope with this pain but I'm not."
He may find that he has to make a choice... if he chooses you, the problem is he may blame you and say you FORCED him to give up his daily worship of her, but you are NOT forcing him, you are merely doing what YOU need to do to TAKE care of yourself. YOU are your first priority.
I would tell him it hurts too much and you have to go and then I would go NO contact.... do not call him or text him or visit him. IF he contacts you the first question is "are you done mourning her loss?" and if he says yes then you can ask him HOW did he get over her and how does he know he's done... because he probably does love and want you but he's not ready to give her up either.
So the issue is he may LIE to you to get you to stay with him. Be cautious.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2013): OP here! Thanks DV1 - you sound just like him, like exactly word for word almost - except he's been a bit angrier when saying that! I guess I just want him to stop thinking about her - but he's right when he says I can't be trying to control what's in his head. He told sme I had nothing to worry about that he loves me and its just his way of dealing with the old hurts. But I'm not to bring her up ever again because its not right that she is brought into our relationship. I think that it could be pushing it to the edge if I bring it up again...
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A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (4 July 2013):
 He loves you, he does. You have to realize though, that sometimes, you never completely deal with loss. Sometimes, you just make yourself pick up and move on. I'm with someone now, and my gf threw my ex in my face, and I check up on her now. He's not trying to convince you that he's serious. He is serious, but you just re-opened an old wound and made him realize that he never fully came to terms with things that happened. Also, that may have been his first real love, and in that case, you never really get over them, you just continue on. Part of him will always love her, and he probably really still loves the kid as well, and that loss genuinely hurt him. He's trying to keep your relationship together and come to terms with the last one. You had no place bringing her up. His past isn't your business if he doesn't want it to be. Women sometimes don't know when to just leave the past buried. That's how men move on...
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 July 2013):
 What do you mean when you wrote he lost his son? He lost custody or his ex wouldn't let him see the child, especially if he dates a new girl? Has he applied for custody, paid child support? Before he claims his rights to fatherhood, his mind is too preoccupied to be thinking about new girlfriend, marriage and future kids. Of course men like to be left alone when they have problems. Looking at her facebook daily is excessive. It means he has unresolved issues and this is unfair to you.
Yes, he loves you in his own selfish way. He may even talk about marriage and kids to convince you that he is serious, and also to make up for the loss. He may love you because so far you are much better than his ex. You don't have to start a fight, just tell him he needs to straighten legal things out first before your heart can be opened up to him again. I feel that doing so is the final step to move on from the past relationship.
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