A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm engaged to this really wonderful man. We've been in a relationship for 2 years and counting. We hit off really well as a couple and have had really good times together. The problem started when I discovered that he had online sex chats with random men and was having video chats as well. When confronted him about this, he denied at first and then accepted it and promised me he wouldn't do it again knowing how much it actually shattered me up. I doubted his sexual orientation but he told me he was straight. And that he hasn't met anybody in person, it was just chats.Fast forward, few months, we were trying to work out things and I was trying to trust him again. When I caught him registered on another gay sex site! The same drama all over again. Somehow I didn't have the courage to do anything about it and honestly wanted to put this incident behind and get on with out life. We did for a long time. And for the third time in a row I caught him chatting and sending naked pics of himself on a gay sex site. This time I was firm and told him the engagement was off. Which is when he confronted that he has *an addiction* problem. And that he isn't gay but an addiction problem and he doesn't know how to deal with it. He admitted to not doing got for a while but he couldn't *control* his urge and did it again. He's asking me to help him out. What do I do?? I really want to be with him and get married. But I don't know if I can do that. I'm scared of his addiction. I want to help him get over it. Is this the right thing to do? One part of me wants to stay away because each time I found out, a part of me lost hope in this relationship. While the other part of me wants to help him out and be with him. Im confused and lost....
View related questions:
engaged, nude pictures Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (22 December 2013):
 ************* Well, the main problem here isn't that if he's gay or not. The problem is if I should leave or stay and help him out with this addiction problem of his.***********
I would say, you CAN'T help him. Addiction is not for others to fix, but for the person WITH the addiction to SEEK help and GET help to do.
NOTHING you can say or do will FIX THIS.
I doubt he will seek help. I doubt it, because he is in denial about his sexuality.
What exactly do you think you CAN do to "fix" it? That you haven't already done? Other then accept that his will be something HE does, regardless of how it makes you feel.
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (20 December 2013):
Hi there.He's bisexual. He may have never acted on it, but these chats with men indicate a clear fantasy (if not outright desire) for sexual relations with men. He's likely not outright gay if he finds you attractive and also wants to have sex with you.There is a tremendous stigma among males when it comes to attraction to other men. Most of them still feel very dirty about it and ashamed. Why should it be this way? It isn't that way for women.My own fiance is also bisexual. It's taken quite a lot of very gentle coaxing to get an admission. That said, I know he loves me and I love him, and it doesn't bother me.Stop confronting him about it. A LOT more men have bi tendencies than are willing to admit it. He is who he is sexually, and shaming him will do nothing but hurt him. He's probably not going to admit this to you though, because he's already been shamed over it.Now you have a decision to make. Can you live with this and accept him for who he is, or not? If you decide to make a go of it, it's going to be a pretty rough road moving from anger and hurt, to acceptance, and for him to get past the shame he feels over his urges. Really, though, this decision is all about you and whether or not you can continue to love and respect him, knowing these desires will never go away. Keep in mind that he may not *actually* want to have sex with another man- some of us like to keep fantasies as just that.I wish you luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (20 December 2013):
"Well, the main problem here isn't that if he's gay or not. The problem is if I should leave or stay and help him out with this addiction problem of his."
Uhhhh, it seems like part of the problem is your refusal to admit that this is more than a simple addiction to gay porn.
So if by "helping him out with this addiction" you really mean "help him figure out the truth about himself", then go ahead if that's what you want, as long as you really understand what the situation is, and at this point I'm pretty sure you don't.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2013): It all depends on how strong the urges are. Men have urges, frequently off the mainstream (just check the number and variety of different porn web sites out there). If you want to be 100% certain that he will not betray you, you should break it off. If you are able to tolerate uncertainty (and you will have to with every person into certain extent), perhaps, face the situation and talk to him directly without judgment and with interest. Get more information in order to assess your/his situation. Pretending that nothing has happened will backfire. Therapy will be a standard option for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2013): Well, the main problem here isn't that if he's gay or not. The problem is if I should leave or stay and help him out with this addiction problem of his.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 December 2013):
 One more thing - you are in India, right?
Homosexuality is a much more taboo issue there than here. I wouldn't be surprised if he were gay and using his relationship with you as a cover. He may be afraid to fully express his homosexuality, so he's practicing it in secret.
Having an engagement or marriage to a woman helps conceal his cover, which gives him public deniability. He may be fond of you and actually love you, but there will always be something missing.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 December 2013):
This is a *LOT* more simple than it seems.
Just replace "other men" with "other women" and see if he can illicit this sympathy from you.
Like the others have said, he's sending pictures of his genitals to other people. Had it been other women, would you say he's unfaithful?
He's having sex chats with other men. If it were with other women, would he be cheating on you?
He's signing up to online dating sites. If he were soliciting other women, would you say he's a lying cheat?
If he were constantly cybering other women, and he swore to you he hadn't met them, yet he had lied to you over and over and over, would you believe him?
That's just it. There is no "pass" for members of the same gender. You need to see it for what it is - he's a cheater and a liar. You're not his therapist, and it really doesn't matter what his orientation is, be it gay, straight, bi, or in denial.
You are way too close to "help" him, and truthfully, he's gotta help himself by himself. If there is a real addiction, he needs professional help. However, take away the sexual orientation, and he's just another sex addict on par with Tiger Woods, and he is not relationship material.
Do not marry him. He needs to work this out by himself. You're not abandoning him. He trampled on your love for him over and over, and his actions are dangerous to your health, because casual anonymous sex carries many diseases, be it other men or other women. Get an STI test for yourself, and commence putting this cheating guy in your past forever.
...............................
A
male
reader, devont  +, writes (19 December 2013):
 I agreed with Owl and Confused. He is lying about his sexuality to you and himself.What will happen when you get married and he does it again? Because he will, you've forgiven him 2 times, maybe a third... Why would he stop if you keep on letting him back?You are hurting yourself AND him by continuing the relationship. I know you love him and it is hard to just walk away, but I think in this case it really is necessary. You deserve to be with someone that respects and loves you and he needs the same... And I don't think you can offer that to each other. If it was me, I would consider this cheating, be it was gay, straight or alien video sex chats... I don't think that is acceptable in a relationship.Be his friend and support him through finding himself if you like... But for your own well being, end the relationship.Best of luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 December 2013):
I too find it hard to believe that he is straight. I could believe it he only WATCHED some gay porn here and there, but signing up for gay sites and swapping pictures, well THERE IT IS. He is without a doubt (in my mind) bisexual.
This is not something you can "help" him with and I find it rather cruel of him telling you that he wants YOU to help him. Because there is nothing YOU can do. You have already tried to tell him TWICE that it's not OK ( my guess is it would be OK for him to be on straight dating sites and swapping pictures with women either, correct?)
Seems to me that he still wants to marry you, but that will WILL NOT give this up, not for you or anyone. He might (but I doubt it) get better at hiding it.
You know ending the engagement was the right thing for you. Now you have to figure out if you still want to be with him given the fact that he WILL NOT stop this. He IS attracted to men & women - but PREFER to interact with men sexually online. THAT WILL NOT STOP.
...............................
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (19 December 2013):
 I agree with WiseOwlE and SVC. Your fiance is sexually attracted to men. That is never going to change.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 December 2013):
 I agree with the Owl..... your man is lying \
to you
maybe to himself.
even if a straight guy looks at gay porn (which they do) the sending of his nude photos is telling... he''s also CHATTING so he's INTERACTING with others... it's one thing to find and download porn but to be ACTIVE on a gay dating/sex site is to be actively pursuing something from that site.
IF he was doing this with a straight sex site would you even think about staying with him as he's lying and cheating?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2013): Unless you can accept the fact he is bi-sexual; I would not recommend marrying this guy. He has lied to you several times that he would stop with the "gay" porn.
He is in deep denial, or flat out lying about his sexual orientation.
I am quite sorry to contradict what he has told you.
I find it difficult to believe a straight man is addicted to "gay" male porn. Why is he forwarding naked pics of himself to other men? Why do you keep catching him on gay chat lines, contacting gay men?
To label it an "addiction" is a convenient and technical excuse to so make it sound like he can't help it; due to an "illness." This implies it can be cured or treated. Most unlikely.
Perhaps he is addicted to porn, or he may have a sex addiction. However; he isn't coming clean about his sexual orientation. Maybe he hasn't come to terms with it himself yet.
The truth is, he is sexually attracted to men.
How gullible are you?
...............................
|
