A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We're in our early-mid 30's. Every once in awhile he will accuse me of cheating and claiming he has "proof" when I know he doesn't. This morning at 7am he text me and asked me who the hell I was texting. I replied back that I had no idea what he was talking about and he proceeds to tell me that he got 2 texts sent to his phone from my email address that was supposed to have been to another man.I told him he was full of shit and making this up, for whatever reason, and he told me to go check my email and look at his reply to it. I did and there was nothing. No email sent nor received. He said he has the proof on his phone and I can see it tonight. He's flat out accused me of cheating when he has absolutely no reason. I know they say that an accuser is the guilty party but I don't believe this is the case. There's never been any betrayal on his part and he's never done anything to make me not trust him. What I don't understand is why he does this? I hadn't talked to him since 8pm last night and this is what I awoke to.He has told me that all of his past relationships ended because they cheated, but now I don't know if they really did (i know one did for sure) or if for some reason he was just super paranoid they were and made himself believe it. I betrayed him but it was an issue that happened at the beginning of our relationship, 3 years ago. Any idea why he may be acting this way? He's never done/said anything to make me feel like he's being unfaithful so what gives? He's done this before claiming someone saw me "out" when I was at home, in bed. He comes up with these theories so I don't know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2013): Please do everything Honeypie suggests. It's the best thing for you right now. Your emotions may overwhelm you, and you'll be tempted to second-guess your decision. You have to remind yourself how difficult it was trying to live with the suspicion and jealousy. He'll promise to change; but he won't. It takes a long time to deal with his type of insecurity, and you'll suffer through it the whole time.I wrote some articles on the phases we go through after a breakup. Read them when you have time and feel up to it.I hope they will give you some comfort; but honestly, there won't be much anyone can say that will ease the pain. I got personally dumped in April of this year, and it was due to someone's fear of commitment. Not something as difficult as you've experienced. Believe me, the pain of losing someone isn't easy; regardless of the reason, if you cared for them. Don't let grief over-stricken or paralyze you. Eat and drink plenty of water. It's okay to cry, it lets out a lot of stress.Avoid alcohol for awhile. Don't stay too isolated, please do reach out to friends and family. They fill in the void and there's no better painkiller than love of family and friends. You'll need a few days just to veg-out. Don't miss work, or skip too many meals.When we say take care of yourself, we really mean that!
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 October 2013):
 I'm sorry you are hurting, but I think you did the right thing. I think he never got over what happened in the beginning )which I might add I don't think YOU did anything wrong back then).
Go NO Contact and allow yourself to grieve the "loss" of the relationship, but try and focus on YOU. Do things that make YOU happy, be with friends & family. Don't just sit at home and cry in a glass of red wine (been there done that, not at all useful).
All the best to you. Chin up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for the replies. I went and saw him yesterday evening and even at 6pm (12 hours later) YM was still sending messages to him from 3 months ago but he did apologize. However, I broke it off with him today. I'm just exhausted. I love him to death but I can't get through to him. No matter what I say and do he's going to be "waiting" for me to cheat. I'm really heartbroken right now. I wish when you broke up with someone you could leave the feelings behind, too. I'm so sad. I love him so much and it sucks it has to end over something like this but I don't know what else to do. I wish I couldn't feel. I guess I'm going to crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep. :'(
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2013): Please, call it quits. Based on what you know about him... How do you think he'll treat you when you get married and have real problems like kids, money, family, etc??
Dating allows you to weigh his character/ personalities and gives you clues to who he really is. Look at the signs, pay attention to the details.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 October 2013):
 This sounds like "schoolyard" stuff...... and you'd be well-advised to drop this character.... and get away from him... and STAY away from him from now until the day that you are laid to rest.....
Good luck...
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2013): I don't see where you indicate in any of your posts here that he says he thinks he is bi-polar. I read them all and you never specified he has any mental illness.
Perhaps you may have written to DC sometime in the past, and mentioned it. Those posted to the question above are the only posts I'm aware of. I've never responded to you before.
I asked you if he was bi-polar disorder; because of the paranoia often associated with the condition, and the fact his behavior, as you describe it, is so bazaar. He even thinks he has evidence and believes things to be real that aren't. People with this condition are always suspicious of conspiracies against them in some way. You said you were trying to wrap your head around his irrational behavior and weird accusations. He's really animated and accusatory.
Bipolarity is most likely the issue. If he isn't being treated, expect more of the same and worse.
If he hasn't laid a hand on you, you're lucky for now.
Eventually, as his jealousy starts to fester; it will turn into rage. It's just a matter of time. It is fortunate that you don't live with him.
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reader, Abella +, writes (15 October 2013):
 His reaction was still way over the top. And out of proportion.
Tisha-1 's advice is correct. This guy is potential TROUBLE and it would be in your best interests to cool it with this 'fly off the handle' distrusting guy. With reactions like his, things can only get worse.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 October 2013):
 Did he apologize for flying off the handle and assuming you were cheating?
I don't like the sound of this guy. He sounds twitchy and troubled. I'd back way off.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, so I found out what happened. Sometimes when I run out out of time on my phone I'll use yahoo messenger to send messages from my laptop to my boyfriend's phone. We don't have call time, only text, so that way I could lie in bed and text him from my computer. Anyway, I sent him messages MONTHS ago from YM and for some reason yahoo sent those messages out again at 6am this morning to his phone. One of them said something about "i'll see you tomorrow" and another one was "i love you, baby" and when he got them he freaked the hell out.I had to sign into YM, copy/paste and then forward the month old, time stamped, messages to prove it was yahoo's f*** up, and not mine. I understand it caught him off guard but I feel like I've been slapped in the face by him accusing me right away. It's like he's waiting for me to cheat on him when I have no desire to do so. I told him that I don't need to cheat on him, that I'd simply dump him and move on with my life. We're getting together tonight so we'll see how it goes. He seems to be "okay" right now but he flips his switch sometimes.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 October 2013):
Hi
Sounds like he is imagining shadows that do not exist.
At the very least I think he may be unwell.
Or that he is building up resentment and trying to deliberately trying to create a crisis. For what reason?
Ask him if he is deliberately trying to start a crisis in order to drive you away.
If he wants to finish the relationship because of demons within him then ask him to be honest with you.
But if he really is delusional or extremely paranoid then he will not believe you, no matter what you think you said to him. Logic will not help. If he really is not well then things may get worse, before they get better. Speak to your own doctor about what are your options to address the situation..
If he is unwell then how you get him to state of calm where he is willing to be assessed I am not sure. I think, if this is that case, then he may need to speak to a doctor who understands his affliction.
All this is Not your fault.
And you alone cannot address this issue if he really is unwell,
What he is imagining in his head is very real to him. And the more you push the more he may dig his heels in and continue to accuse you of things you have not done.
Does he have a local Doctor who knows him well? Would he consider some form of counselling with a Doctor to identify the extent of these issues gor him? And with a view to giving him support and help to deal with these issues that are very real to him?
Please take cares.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, we don't live together. We spend weekends together and a couple times during the week when our schedules will allow. He hasn't been diagnosed with anything, but I did post he said he thinks he's bi polar. No medications that I'm aware of and he's never laid a hand on me nor threatened to. He even told me this morning what these "messages" said and that they woke him up at 6am. Even though, I call bullshit on that and won't be able to see him till later in the evening.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen we first met, before we became official, we'd gotten into a fight and I left with intentions of not seeing him again or speaking to him, and I slept with someone else. 3 days after I'd had sex with this other man he comes around and I told him what I did and that if he didn't want to move forward it was alright. We finally "officially" got together and I haven't done anything since that time. I don't even think of it as cheating on him but he does. I've done everything to show him I'm loyal and completely faithful to him.
I don't know what's going on with him right now. It's like he's gone crazy and is sabotaging the relationship. I mean if he's unhappy then he can walk away from me. I'm at a loss right now. I'm so confused.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, he doesn't know the password to my email but he claims he has a friend who can hack into anything. I've never believed it, I just always thought it was his way of trying to warn me "before" I cheat or something. I've offered to show him my email and he never checks it out. He does look through my phone periodically and finds nothing. He's also been in my facebook but I've changed the pw since then, not because of him.I told him I want to see the "proof" this evening and he said "ok" even though I know there's nothing there because I checked my email to make sure I wasn't hacked or something. But he tells me this as if it really happened and something he witnessed. He told me Sunday that he believes he's bi polar. He was fine last night when I last spoke to him and woke up with a stick up his ass. I love him, we have great times together, but I can't wrap my head around this. If he was insecure and just asked me if I'd cheated, or was worried from time to time I could understand, but the stories he comes up with as gospel just blows my mind.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2013): Well, this paranoia will continue until you reach your saturation point; and decide to get out. You won't survive this without emotional trauma. He will come up with something new all the time. He is obsessing on the "possibility," and in his mind he thinks he's got you busted. Sounds like the guy has snapped. He is punishing you for your past, and intimidates you as a preventive measure; in-case you should ever get the crazy idea to cheat in your head.You can wait around to see how bad it gets, or you can start thinking of how you're going to get out of this mess unscathed. He isn't well; so you'll be wasting your breath trying to talk sense into him.You don't say whether you live together or not. It might be a good idea to setup temporary living arrangements elsewhere after a talk. It will actually be a veiled warning. Chose your words carefully.It's time to bring some muscle into the situation, and you may want to alert male relatives you feel you may need their support in dealing with the situation. You're facing it alone, and he is using his masculinity and testosterone to over-power you. Your post doesn't show evidence you have a powerful or forceful personality, it comes across distressed. You seem too submissive.When I say "talk," I mean offering an ultimatum. You're going to let him know how these wild accusations are affecting and offending you. You will also have to stand your ground and defend your innocence. You must insist the accusations STOP! He has relegated your part in the relationship as subservient and his property. By remaining, you gave him this power. You are his emotional hostage, and you're afraid to leave. That's why he harps on you for cheating, to keep you in-line.Don't plead or be repetitive. Simply say it isn't true "once and for all." The fewer words the better. If he is having a psychotic episode; too much talk will only get him angry.Does this man have diagnosed bi-polar disorder, or any personality disorder that you didn't mention in your post? Is he on medication, and he hasn't been taking it? I think there is a lot you've left out. Are you afraid to expose too much; because you don't want advice to leave him? Are you trying to find an alternative to leaving?To repetitively plead your innocence without defense looks guilty, and that's the emotion he is looking for from you. Innocent people have no reason to cower or plead to false-accusers. They prove their innocence. You have nothing to prove to a wacko.Suggest that he gets help or you're out of his life permanently. You can't talk him into behaving. He is beyond that now. What you have to do is push back; in order to give your own mind the opportunity and permission to come to terms with the fact you may have no choice, but to leave this guy. He fears no consequences; he thinks he's holding all the cards. He has all the power, because he is physically stronger than you. He smells your fear. He knows he can physically and mentally restrain you. You've made it easy for him.You'll go through this mental torture until he breaks you.That's what happens to people who remain in these abusive situations, and don't save themselves. Love does not require people to remain in psychologically traumatic situations. Your safety and mental well-being is at risk.How much love do you feel you're getting in return right now? You're sitting at home in fear and you don't know what to do.You're being an enabler every-time he comes up with this crap; while you sit there getting pounded with false accusations of cheating. Defenseless! He will eventually become violent. I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't already. Something else you may have failed to mention. He doesn't have to lay a finger on you, you're already frightened to the point you've came to us. I am quite concerned for you. Insanely jealous and possessive men are dangerous. He sounds like he's on the brink of a mental breakdown, and may require treatment.Mentally healthy people don't behave like he is.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2013): You absolutely do not have to pay for his past relationships and to be lumped into the same person as his past girlfriends. Because this same behavior seems to be resurfacing over and over, I think you are at a point where you need to make a decision. No more of this. He has issues, and it sounds like a mental one that would be best suited for a professional counselor.If this was me, I would basically tell him, if he ever comes at me with this nonsense again, it's time to part ways. And follow through if it does. You should not have to live like this. HOWEVER, you did mention that you betrayed him, but you did not say how. If you cheated on him, well, whether it was at the beginning of the relationship or two weeks ago, he will likely never trust you if this has been going here and there for three years. Betrayal is huge and once trust and loyalty are broken, it's very hard to recover.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 October 2013):
 Listen, his behavior is setting my teeth on edge. He has some sort of obsessive nature in him, and I'd get away from him because his actions show a level of toxicity that is not good for you.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 October 2013):
I second that this is probably a mental health issue.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (15 October 2013):
 He doesn't sound normal. Make sure he doesn't have your password and if he does, then change it as soon as you can. If he's crazy then he can send emails to himself from your account and make it look like you cheated just so that you "confess". He's highly insecure and if you continue with this relationship, there will be hell to pay. He's going to constantly accuse you of cheating in every step and you will not know what to do. I've been with an insecure person in my past and I can tell you OP, it is a nightmare. There's no point continuing in a relationship where you have to constantly walk on eggshells. It's not worth it.
Just ask him to go to hell with his "proof", you dont owe him any explanations and certainly not when you havent even done anything wrong! If he lives in his delusional world, then he's most welcome to. Dont ever give in to his abnormal behavior and apologize or anything because that will just make things worse.
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (15 October 2013):
 He sounds paranoid. Are you sure there are no mental health issues involved?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2013): He's probably a paranoid personality type and his beliefs and subsequent behaviour probably won't change in a hurry. I went out with a guy for about 9 months who had the full blown disorder and after a 3 month honeymoon period he was accusing me of having affairs (or at least wanting affairs) with just about every single man I came into contact with and even some of my girlfriends too. Just about everything I did - every cough, every look, every turn of the head was somehow connected with my desires for another man.Your guy doesn't seem quite this bad but paranoid belief patterns are very hard to change unless the person recognises that they have a problem and comits completely to a therapy programme. Unfortunately, most people with paranoia believe that they DON'T have a problem and that it's other people's behaviour that's the problem not their own so they don't engage with therapy. My ex tried therapy a few times but was never able to see it through as he became too paranoid about the therapists intentions and motives. I certainly agree with your statement that most of his ex-girlfriends probably didin't cheat on his - he thinks they did and the fact they probably dumped him simply confirms his suspicions (rather than indicate to him that his behaviour is unreasonable)I don't think there anything you can really DO about his behaviour or anything you can really do to point out the error-of-his-ways or even prove your innocence. What you can do is decide whether you want to have relationship with a guy who will probably continue to accuse and distrust you or not.Whatever you decide, DON'T stay with him because you hope he'll change or that you can help him change because he won't.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 October 2013):
Does he have access to your e-mail? If so, he can fabricate anything he wants.
Secondly, if he says all his past relationships ended because the woman cheated, I'm kind of inclined to think that he either USED to date a certain type of woman (though personally, I don't believe there is a "cheater-type") or he THOUGHT they all cheated.
Accusing you might be his way out. Maybe he is looking for an out and have been for a while. Could be whatever you did 3 years ago isn't really forgiven nor forgotten, and he can't let it go, so he created a "good" reason to leave you. But he is going out with a big bang drama!
If this is the norm in your relationship, how does it work? He OBVIOUSLY doesn't trust you at all, how you DO deal with that? Do you walk on egg-shells constantly? Or do you have to defend yourself over and over? How is that not demoralizing for you?
He might not be a guilty party and be cheating himself, but there is something off if he CONSTANTLY thinks you are going to cheat and goes so far as to MONITOR your e-mail. That is down right wrong and needless to say.. freaking unhealthy. He is holding your PAST betrayal over your head so he can CONSTANTLY control or manipulate you.
I would let him show you whatever "proof" he has and then end it. I'm sorry I would NOT want to be with a guy where I had to justify my every action. IF there is no trust, there is no respect, nor love.
He DECIDED to stay with you after your "betrayal" (since you didn't post what is was I put it in "" )- that OUGHT to mean that he would TRY at least to forgive you and move past it, his actions shows he can't.
He has done it before and he will do it again, IF you let him.
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