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He said I am an extraordinary woman, but ended things because I live far away.

Tagged as: Breaking up, Long distance, Online dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 August 2018) 8 Answers - (Newest, 13 August 2018)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hello my dear Aunts! I hope you are doing well.

I met a man online who is someone I would like to be with. We talked on the phone several times and texted constantly for about a month before we met in person. He lives about 4 hours away from me. Finally we met for the first time, and we seemed to have a connection. After our first date, before he left, he said we should see each other again. We also continued to communicate regularly for about a month after our first date.

I stay busy, but finally had some free time and as I did not want him to be doing all the driving, I felt it was my turn to come to him, so I asked him if I could come to see him. He said, he was not ready for a visit that weekend. I did not insist, and we continue to talk, but he still not making plans for our second encounter. I had some more free time, and asked him again if we could see each other, and he said, "for sure." However, after that conversation, I did not hear from him for a week. I decided to contact him and asked him if it was something I said. He responded, "No. You are an extraordinary woman. I just have not been putting any effort in to dating and you are far away. (sad face emoji)" He also said that his online account expired that night and he deactivated it.

Although I was upset with his casual way to end things, I stayed calm, and said, "I am sorry you feel distance is a barrier. I think you are a great man and I would have driven a thousand miles to see you and spend time with you. But I respect your decision. I wish you the best in your search. I am sure you will end up with someone as special as you seem to be. We can be friends if you would like to. xoxo" He responded saying, "You are too sweet for words. xoxo" It was the end of our conversation.

We had sex in our first date, and I know men usually pull away when this happens. However, he initiated the contact most of the time, even after our first date, so I feel like he really likes me. I know he has a stressful job, and I am not sure if that could be the reason he ended things. Maybe he feels having a long distance relationship would not work because he does not have a lot of time to drive and see me, or if maybe he just found someone closer, but does not want to tell me. Our last conversation was a week ago over text messages. Should I call him on the phone to have a conversation about it, or should I move on? What are your thoughts my dear Aunts?

Thank you as always for your friendly and wise advise.

View related questions: long distance, move on, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you so much everyone for your wise and valuable advise. After reading all your impressive answers, I have to say that you are absolutely right! I need to move on! If I don't worth his time and effort, he does not worth mine either. Phone number BLOCKED and DELETED! Thanks again! You're all wonderful!

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (12 August 2018):

You've already realized the possibility that sex on the first-date is usually all some guys are looking for. Keeping in-touch thereafter doesn't prove much of anything.

I think distance is the convenient and most feasible excuse; but I also think there may be something he is hiding. He's already gotten the sex; so parting isn't that difficult. The difficult part is putting effort and meaning behind the act; and making the effort to make it meaningful.

I believe sex was all he wanted. Convince yourself that is the case; and I think letting-go will be all that much easier.

You were willing to travel the distance. If it meant as much to him as it does to you; I believe he would feel the same way. There's always meeting halfway until better or more convenient arrangements can be made. Maybe there's a wife, or a girlfriend in the background. If not, the sex was enough; because that's mostly what people search for online. Quick and easy sex! Trying to add the meaning and create a romance after the fact, is illogical. You can't collect dividends; if there was no investment.

Giving a guy reward (sex) before you firmly establish his intentions is a gamble. Women lose in this game, more often than men; because men can separate emotion from sex much easier.

Don't contact him again. I think you should block and delete his number; to avoid temptation, or receiving his calls out of the blue. You've just upped the odds it will only be a booty call. He will never offer you access to his home-location. He would have from the very start, if he had good intentions. He had to be charming, what would have happened if he did otherwise?

BLOCK AND DELETE!

This is the difficult part for women; because emotion will make you cautious of doing it. He decided you aren't worth the travel, and he doesn't want you coming to him. Yet you may cling to false-hope he might change his mind. Is it worth the risk, time, or disappointment? Judge by the present situation. Don't fantasize, face the reality!

Be smart, and take that for what it's worth. It's better to let someone hurt your feelings; than break your heart. It takes so much longer to get over heartbreak. Calling you an extraordinary woman are polite parting-words; or just a pleasant kiss-off! Don't put more meaning behind them than they really deserve.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (12 August 2018):

N91 agony auntWhy would you call him? What is there to talk about? It’s already been discussed that you live too far away for him to see this being a feasible relationship.

Let it go.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (12 August 2018):

CindyCares agony aunt Why are you looking for hidden meanings and hidden reasons behind his rejection ? I think he already gave you a reason which is a very good, very clear and very believable one : he is busy, you two are long distance, and he is not interested in a long distance relationship, with all the effort , time and planning it requires. It's possible that he really likes you, - but apparently not enough to commit himself to this kind of substained effort.

Maybe you are thinking " well, then he should not have asked to have sex with me on the first date if he knew, or suspected, he could not handle long distance and things between us were unlikely to go anywhere : that's not what a gentleman does . That's a cad ".

Well- half of me ( the old fashioned one ) is tempted to agree with this line of thought. But the other half, the contemporaray one, says, no, this is the 21st century and you have agency over your life , freedom in your sexual choices , and responsibility for said choices. When you meet a new person, it's always " buyer beware " . If you are ok with casual sex, - sex outside of an official relationship and without an established mutual emotional bond- then you have to be aware of the fact that it could even be veeery casual, as casual as to be just an ONS , and you have to be able to stay in the moment without nourishing premature, unwarranted expectations ( as they surely would be on a first date ). If instead you see sex only, or preferably, as a part of a long term, committed relationship- then you'd better wait that you ARE in one before becoming intimate.

Talk is cheap , and telling a stranger " you are extraordinary you are exquisite " or whatever does not really mean anything if it's not , promptly and consistently, backed by actions.

Reason for which, you should not call him anymore- there's really not much to have a conversation about, since he has already given you a massive hint that he does not wish for any further involvement. The line between " too sweet for words " and "bunnyboiler " is a fine one and I am sure you don't want to cross it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2018):

I think he was interested in you so long as there was the potential to have sex with you. I believe you were just a sexual conquest. He got what he was after and moved on. He was a douchebag cause he used you knowing it wouldn't go anywhere. I am sure he already has a wife/gf and he was just having a bit of meaningless fun. You took it seriously. Time to move on.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (12 August 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntSweetheart, I do understand that texting/speaking can give the illusion that you know a person but it really is just that, an illusion. ANYONE can keep up appearances via text or an occasional telephone call. It is only by actually spending TIME with a person that you find out what they are really like. You don't know anything about this man except what he has chosen to disclose.

You will probably never find out what the REAL game here was. Don't hold out for any sort of "answer". You may just have to accept it for what it was and move on without having any of your questions answered.

You do sound like a lovely lady but, for whatever reason, he decided it would be too much effort to have a relationship with you.

In your shoes, I would let this one go and move on. Going forward, perhaps it would be wiser not to invest emotionally so heavily at the start of future relationships. Also perhaps hold off having sex until you are sure there is some sort of a future for you together.

Good luck. Wishing you all the best.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (12 August 2018):

Honeypie agony auntNo, you shouldn't call him and keep beating a dead horse. He enjoyed you but he is being realistic in accepting that he doesn't WANT to date someone who lives that far away. He wasn't looking for a "pen-pal" to text with and very rarely see. He has ALREADY explained to you that he doesn't WANT a LDR after all. Just block his number, delete it and move on.

OR he actually went for you BECAUSE you lived 4 hours away and thus he could "sample" you while either having a GF/Wife or not wanting anything serious - knowing full well that it isn't likely he will bump into you any time soon in HIS hometown. Sounds jaded? Perhaps... but it happens more than you think. Another reason to just block and move on.

Let him go and try again. And maybe you need to consider men who live closer to an ACTUAL relationship IN PERSON can blossom and happen.

LDR's are hard for anyone because of the distance, so why START out with that HUGE disadvantage?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2018):

Move on. Don’t even bother with the friendship. Don’t do this to yourself, he’s not worth it. You don’t need to know anything or get closure, or find out more — you just need to know he doesn’t want to be with you.

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