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This friend is too clingy!

Tagged as: Friends<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 August 2018) 5 Answers - (Newest, 16 August 2018)
A female Sri Lanka age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hi, I have a problem but not exactly a love relationship problem. It's a friendship problem. I have a best friend who is one of the nicest people in the world. She really cares about me and I care about her too. But the thing is, I feel like she is so clingy. She keeps talking to me all the time. We have classes together every day and she sticks with me always. Then yesterday we went on this trip with the whole class. And during the whole time she was stuck to me and kept talking and if I ever keep quiet and just think to myself for a few minutes she sees me doing that and then she's like 'Hey!!! What's wrong? Why do you look like that? Why do you look sad?'. And this really annoys me because I feel like I can't even have a minute to myself. The thing is, she has helped me out a lot in the past and her parents have helped me out a lot financially and I feel bad to tell her what I feel straight away because I feel bad to hurt her feelings. It's because I feel like I owe her and her family a lot so i feel bad to be honest and tell her that she drives me up the wall. I feel like we have become too close and now I don't know what to do. I spend a lot of time with her every day because we study together at the same college. Though I like her and care about her so much, sometimes I wish she would leave the college or something because she tires me out. If I try to keep some space, at once she's like 'you're preoccupied and distant'. And she keeps talking!! What can I do?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2018):

Obviously mr. wiseowl is not that wise. Ahem... please before you start judging people and preaching to them, get your facts right. I never said I'm holding on to the relationship to get money from her family and I don't have parents anymore. So shame on you. I am a person who has many friends. All my lecturers and classmates like me. So I don't have communication issues or bad people skills. That's not the problem here. Plus, I never asked for financial help from her family. I have declined but her mom is someone who likes to help people. And she has unloaded enough of her troubles on me and I have helped her out whenever she needed someone and had no one because people don't really like to be with her. I have been like a sister to her too. So please don't judge people. You are a very mean person and obviously have an attitude problem. But thanks anyway for taking the time to type such a long reply to my problem.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2018):

If you're tired of her clingy-friendship, just say so! Don't hold on to it just in-case you might need money from her parents - who said I'm holding onto the relationship because I need money from her parents? Please get your facts right before you yell at people with exclamation marks.

There are two things to address here. If people have helped you out and you've turned to them in your time of trouble and need; don't get so full of yourself that you feel annoyed by them when you don't have a need, or a use for them.

How annoyed were you with your friend when you were unloading your troubles on her; when she has her own life to live? She doesn't need your problems in her life; and her parents didn't have to do a darned thing for you! You've got your own parents! - About this, this is also really mean. She has unloaded her problems on me also. And I have been there for her when she needed someone and had no one else. Also, I don't have parents. So before you judge and say mean stuff like this, please think twice.

From now on, I suggest you politely decline financial-help from her family, and keep your personal-problems to yourself. If you're moody and grumpy all the time; people tend to ask you why? - About this, I have never asked for financial help from her family. Her mother is a really nice person who likes to help people. And who said I'm moody and grumpy all the time? Hello, please stop assuming. And also, it looks like you're not fit to be someone who gives advice on a site like this. I don't know how old you are, but obviously you have no idea how to communicate either so you're not much better than me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2018):

Dear aunthonesty, thank you for your advice. I really feel like you have understood me and understood the issues I have. It's very nice of you and I appreciate your advice.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (16 August 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntIt is clear that you both care about each other which is great and very special. However as humans we do need our own space and time to think.

It is not healthy to be glued to each other. It sounds like she might be suffering some confidence issues and needs constant reassurance. Having a clingy friend is tough and I totally get where you are coming from. But I do think you need to be gentle with her.

She needs constant reassurance and she also needs constant reassurance that you are okay and that you are not sad or upset with her. Everyone needs time to themselves, but I think she needs to make sure she is the centre of your attention at all times. I am sure she means well but you cannot live like this. College should be fun and a great way off meeting new friends as well.

It is great she has helped you out, and also great that her parents where generous to you. However that doesn't mean that you can't be honest with her or that you owe her every minute of your time. I am sure you have been good to her as well.

You are best friends so you should be able to be honest with her. I know you don't want to upset her, that just shows that you care, but you also need to look after your own happiness as well. I think you need to break it to her gently. Start by telling her she is an awsome friend, and that she always will be but that sometimes you just need time to yourself. Explain to her that if you are quiet it is because you are thinking about things or wanting a few moments to yourself. Reassure her that if there is something wrong with you that you will confine in her but that sometimes you just need some alone time at college and outings. Encourage her to meet new people as well.

Yes she may be offended but she will get over it. Its not like you are ending the friendship. You need to just get the truth out before someday you just snap with anger and do real damage to the friendship.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (12 August 2018):

There are two things to address here. If people have helped you out and you've turned to them in your time of trouble and need; don't get so full of yourself that you feel annoyed by them when you don't have a need, or a use for them.

How annoyed were you with your friend when you were unloading your troubles on her; when she has her own life to live? She doesn't need your problems in her life; and her parents didn't have to do a darned thing for you! You've got your own parents!

Now here's the other thing. Your friend sounds like a caretaker. Some people feel they are looking out for you; and they become closer when they have been through thick and thin with you. Time will also pull people closer together. So you shouldn't feel "obligated;" you should feel grateful!

If the relationship is growing old on you; be polite, but tell her that you need some space. Be kind and considerate of her feelings. Good-friends are hard to come-by, and we aren't nice to them out of "obligation." It's out of love!

When she asks too many questions or pushes too much; be mature enough to say so. You're not a teenager, it says you're between 26-29! That's old enough to know how to deal with relationships; and how to interact and effectively-communicate with people with tact and respect.

From now on, I suggest you politely decline financial-help from her family, and keep your personal-problems to yourself. If you're moody and grumpy all the time; people tend to ask you why?

If you're tired of her clingy-friendship, just say so! Don't hold on to it just in-case you might need money from her parents. If you'd come right out and be honest, I think you can get some breathing-room. Suggest she try and make other friends. She has grown to see you as her best-friend, and maybe like a sister. She and her family have nearly adopted you!

Tell her politely before you lose-it and say awful things in anger. Grow-up! You want and need space, simply ask for it!

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