A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone.I hope you can help me because I have never felt more down or heartbroken in my life.I have been married for ten years and my husband left me about a year ago. I do not have a lot of experience with men. I have only had my husband and one other boyfriend before. He is not in my life. We have two children together. It took me awhile but I did move on and discovered I was so much stronger than I thought. My husband's decision to leave turned out to be a blessing because he was abusive and had several affairs during our marriage.I have since met another guy. I thought he was a good, decent guy. We have been friends for awhile now. It has not gone beyond friendship but there is an attraction between us. The problem is he has a live in girlfriend whom he has been with for about a year. All the while, he has been flirting with me, telling me how gorgeous I am, touching me and generally making me believe that he truly cares about me. His actions have made me wonder how committed he really is to his girlfriend. And what kind of friend does this to another friend? It has crossed the line from friendship to something else. He came out last week and told me he has feelings for her and for me and for some time he has not been able to make up his mind on who to be with. Today he told me he has chosen her. I am so crushed and heartbroken. All I have been doing is crying and isolating myself from the world. I was in love with him and he used me for an ego boost? Playing me on the side? Cake and eat it?I am so horribly hurt and feel really betrayed because I shared so much of me with him. I trusted him and he chose her.I guess I need to learn from this and accept responsibility that I allowed my heart to get involved with someone who was unavailable.....Yes, I know I have blame here.But why is it that so many men do this to women? Why do they feel they can play us? Or take advantage of our feelings? Do they not have any consideration of how we feel at all? I just don't get how they can string you along and say they have feelings for you and then throw you away like none of it ever mattered?I am holding on to the emotions as I am emotionally attached to him. My question now is why would someone break my heart like this? He knows I have a good heart and I trusted him with it.And how do I even begin to move on and let him go? I know it's time. I know deep down it was time long ago but I kept holding onto hope. Hope is such a killer, especially when someone is giving you all the positive signs that keep you interested and waiting in the wings.I know I am worth more. I know I am beautiful and a good person. I have so many men chasing me but I don't want the ones who want me. I want this one! Crazy isn't it? I am so busy staring at a closed door that I don't care about any open doors.Please help me let him go. So hard when you feel you are in love with someone and when all is said and done, you end up being just another stupid girl that fell for a guy who was playing her and leading her on.How can I be so stupid? I feel like such a moron.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 September 2012):
 I wouldn't spend time worrying about WHY he did it, I would spend time looking back and noticing all the red flags.
1. He had a GF yet had NO problem flirting with you and basically hitting on you.
BIGGEST red flag there is. He isn't respecting HER or YOU. In the future, end it right there. Even if you think you really like him and he "might" dump his GF for you. Some people will say WHATEVER they think the other person want to hear in order to get what they want from them.
And in the future, try and stay away from guy who have a partner already. They rarely make good friends for a single lady.
A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (28 September 2012):
When a man is friends with a woman, touches her, and tells her she is attractive AND has a girlfriend already he is almost certainly looking for a 'bit on the side.'
You already know what it is like to be taken advantage of by a man who liked his bit on the side...your husband. Why would you put yourself in a position to be the 'other woman' to your friend's girlfriend? I understand your desire to be loved, but you need to find a man who is going to be more than a flirt. You must understand that you deserve to be someone's one and only woman...not someone's woman at home and definitely not someone's 'bit on the side.'
From now on, whether there is an attraction between friends or an attraction between you and someone you've just met, you need to not allow your emotions to lead you to become involved if another woman is already in a relationship with him. If he flirts, you remind him quite bluntly that his behavior is innapropriate because he has a girlfriend.
By putting yourself first in this manner, you are showing these men that you respect yourself and you will not tolerate cheaters. By expressing this sort of assertive self-respect, you will, in time, find a man who cherishes you and shares the same belief as you that a romantic relationship is between two people and no more.
The truth is, you are naive when it comes to relationships. Just because a man flirts and shows some sort of interest doesn't necessarily mean he wants to emotionally invest himself in a romantic relationship. He may just be looking for a physical relationship or an ego boost from knowing a woman wants him. If you put your heart first instead of your self respect, you will be taken advantage over and over again.
If you can afford professional counseling, I highly recommend that you find a relationship/family counselor in your area. You want to see someone who has an established practice with years of experience and high ratings. This type of counselor can help you address your concerns about relationships, and can help you work on improving your self-worth and self-esteem.
The truth is, you were married to an abusive cheating scumbag for a decade. This can be damaging to even the most beautiful woman with a huge loving heart. Men who are predators and cheaters like your husband and this 'friend' look for women like you to take advantage of. Counseling can help you present yourself differently so these types of men do not see you as a target.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (28 September 2012):
 Please accept my sympathies,
It sounds like you have yourself an old-fashioned heartbreak. It happens -- it is part of life and part of the dating scene. We put ourselves out there in hopes that someone will love us back and unfortunately it didn't work -- this time.
You stated that when your husband left you, that it was a blessing in disguise. Why not look at this break-up as a potential to bigger and better things? Why would you want to play second fiddle to a guy who has a live-in girlfriend (he's obviously going behind her back). Let's face it, if she is in his place, they have a pretty strong bond.
Did you get played? Perhaps a little. I am sure on some level his feelings were genuine for you. But they were obviously stronger for his girlfriend than you.
Give yourself some time to get over this. It has happened to MEN and WOMEN all the time. I've had my heart broken by women who claimed to have loved me. Why would it be any different for you?
Hopefully you'll give the guys who are interested in you a chance. Sadly, part of being human is wanting what we cannot have and it hurts when we feel we can't attain it. There are so many other people out there that will make this guy look insignificant if you'd only give them a chance.
Have yourself a good cry and reflect on why you wanted a man who was already taken. Also realize that in the future there is someone who is going to treat you even better and make you happier than you could possibly imagine. You can bank on that.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 September 2012):
 You write: "But why is it that so many men do this to women?"
You could write this on behalf of oodles of women who fall for mens' lines and actually believe that those men LOVE them.... as evidenced by the fact that they (those men) will expose their penises to those women and will, willingly, have s*x with them.....
This, of course, is all backwards.... and you - women - need to protect yourselves from us (men) who will do ANYTHING to get you to remove your underwear and enjoy coitus with us....
Is that clear enough????
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