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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Please help!I have been living with my boyfriend for 1.8 years. The time has gone really quickly because as they say, time flies when you are having fun!Sometime into our relationship, I realised one night he was missing from bed. He has a spare room which is a complete mess and he keeps it closed. I know he has a computer in there, however because we are both computer lovers, after initial questioning, I realised he is a night owl who enjoyes researching stuff, and so on. The only issue I've had in our relationship is the nights that I have to sleep alone, because he is doing his thing there. My big problem came early in the year, when our sex life diminished to nothing the past 2 months. That is when my radar went up, something is very wrong. He is still affectionate and gives hugs, but no intimacy/sex. When I brought it up, he says it's because of health/he has put on weight/feels fat. I love him, am attracted to him, and still want him as never before! He however used the excuse of health, so I let it go for a while. In the meantime, I've been working on myself, losing any excess weight, feeling sexy, being the best me.Recently, he keeps "sneaking" into this spare room at every opportunity, and that became a red flag for me. Why not just admit what you are doing? I have gone so far as to say, if it's porn, I will watch with you. If it's chat, tell me. If it's social networking, tell me. Let's share it. He always said he isn't into social networking, and even though before we met I had a facebook account, it has been dormant since we became an item as I keep our life private - didn't want it all over facebook. Last night, after another evening of wondering what is he doing when he says he is going to "brush his teeth" in the bathroom, and instead I find him in THE spare computer room again! I tried the nice approach first, by asking when he returned to the lounge - what you up to? he first pretended not to hear me; then said "not again" knowing it usually ends in a fight as I know he is hiding something, or the usual - he gets defensive which he did and said: NOTHING!!!I was upset as this is NOT normal behaviour to keep sneaking to a room with a pc, and not sharing what you are doing. Normal people would say: I've been reading articles, or typing up something, or saving a document, not NOTHING!!! So I left saying : GOOD NIGHT.As i passed the spare room, for once I decided to challenge the trust I've given him, and went to check myself knowing if he caught me, so be it, I could not take the mystery anymore!!!I went in, and the screen was off. What do I find?FACEBOOK, open, and the chat screen at the bottom said 2, I checked and there were about 6 women, and 2 were online, the rest offline. No messages. The SIMS social logo was also on display. So, I realised, he has LIED that he does not have facebook. He does. He also lied he is not "chatting" to other people. Now I know why he sneaks off, why he rushes me sometimes when we are in a discussion - either to rush to the game, or to the people he wants to chat to, or play with!I feel lied to, angry and hurt that he could not trust me enough to share this. I then called him, showing him what I have found!!! Of course, he then said he only started playing SIMS this week, that he does not chat to other people, only as "neighbours" to get rewards, that he blocks anybody sending him messages, etc. I don't know what to believe now. My trust is shaken, and it's so sad because I love him. ALL I EVER ASKED IS A PARTNER TO BE HONEST. I DON'T WANT MONEY, I DON'T WANT HOUSE, CARS, NOTHING. JUST HONESTY.The worst is, I shared MY facebook wtih him, my passwords, etc and he can see it has been dormant all this time. He did not share his new account when he did it.Also, many many times we saw the SIMS game at stores, and when he told me about it, I was so keen and said I wanted to play it! He said he would load it for me to play one day. Many times we would see it in stores, he would say he would get it for me.Instead, he has it in his SECRET ROOM, playing it by himself, lying to me, and leaving me in bed most nights to sleep alone, and now 2 months of no sex leaves me very very very upset. Why be with someone if you get the same being single? He has said he is sorry, that it's only a game, that he didn't chat to other people, and that he is into me. He wants to be with me. Well, if actions speak louder than words, his actions are that aside for hugs and cuddle while watching tv, he does nothing in bed with me. I'm a normal, happy, positive, attractive, sexy girl - he says he does not feel good enough for me, yet he is everything I ever wanted, except this LIE.What would you do? Today I can't get over all the times he said he is "studying" or "researching" now I wonder how long he has been playing, and if he created bonds and even relationship online with the "neighbour" social sim characters, hence the lack of sex with me? Funny last night when I was then upset and deciding whether to go forward with the relationship, because without trust you can't have a relationship, THEN he was keen to have sex. I realise it's because he felt closer to me having been exposed and finally sharing everything, and because I love him, I did accept and partake, but I don't know the way forward.I dont' want to leave him, I love him very much. Is it enough to say, in future, no more closed door, play or do whatever with an open door, and see how it goes?What are your suggestions? for the gamers on here, what is your advice?I was always trusting and open and accepting - I said do wahtever you like, just include me! Why could he not include me????? We could have BOTH played and had fun together, instead of me feeling isolated, and now discovering his lies by ommission?help please?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): Hi Anonymous,
I'm the original poster.
Sorry to hear about the situation with your husband.
What you have shared is one of the reasons why I am not backing down, or just accepting it as normal, because I am trying to do everything to not kill my desire and love for him due to wondering what is going on, or confirming it and it not changing.
Sorry you had to stay in the marriage due to his response... but eventually you had to resort to meeting someone else to meet your needs, which is sad indeed. Your husband lost out. Are you going ahead with the divorce?
My boyfriend is a good guy, contrary to everything else you may read. I believe his being alone and seeming to be secretive is how he was brought up (only child, alone most of the time) so it takes some getting used to that there is someone in his life now who is interested in everything to do with him. He has support he has never had before, etc.
All I want is his honesty. The rest, carry on, but be honest and I will be with you.
We will see what happens because so far I have not managed to force that door to stay open. He says he has "killed" the whole game and online stuff, but he still stays up whether it's watching tv, or pc stuff, as he tends to be a night owl. Some things I will have to accept, some things if possible I will change, and try and find serenity in the whole thing.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2012): Sounds like my husband . He too would leave me at night all night to do secret things and lie. I made the mistake of forgiving him. He kept doing it. Fast forward 9 years. We are still together but now I sleep in a separate room cos I have no desire for him anymore..my desire got killed along with my trust. I no longer care what he does in secret. I wonder from time to time but that's all I don't actually care or bother to try find out. We live separate lives. He started it first by having his secret life so I can't trust him so I live my own life now. I wanted to divorce but he freaked out so much so I stayed. I started seeing someone else eventually so now I am trying to divorce him.Your boyfriend is secretive which means he's not to be trusted. He's doing this cos he has issues and needs it. He will keep doing it because nothing has changed in himself to make him stop. Your finding out doesn't matter he'll just get better at hiding it. He won't stop because he has a need to be doing this. He already knew it was wrong hence the secrecy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2012): Thank you all very much for your advice, comments and opinions, all very much appreciated.
I wrote the OP the morning after, so I was very upset.
Since then, we have not discussed it (yes believe it) because it was such a heated thing that night, that I was emotionally drained and in shock. I also wanted to wait for opinions from others, to make sure I wasn't in the wrong.
It is wonderful to get validation from you all. The ones who suffer the same. The ones with great suggestions, and alternatives.
Now that a day or two have passed (we went to movies as we often do as we both enjoy it, last night, and saw a comedy to laugh and mainly to get OUT of the house). If I saw him go there yesterday I would LOSE IT.
I have read all your comments, also spoken to my best friend, and everyone agrees: THE ROOM DOOR MUST COME DOWN :) HEHEHE
We can't afford another laptop right now for him, so if the pc can't move, the door must be OPEN. I won't check on him as I want to be able to trust him, but with an open door he will more likely behave! ;-)
The fact he wasn't being intimate made me believe he could be getting it online, however he has morals and is an overall good guy, despite this lie for the game of SIMS addiction. So I will give him the benefit of the doubt and believe it really is JUST his weight, and help inspire him to be more healthy. The fact I'm eating right, and exercising, I will try and motivate him for the same. As you all know, it's a mindset, and his mind is not ready yet. He acknowledges he needs to do something about it, he wants to do something about it, but his will is not ready. I understand that as his dad died in 2010 so he went through a bad year, so I've supported and been there - but when it now became almost no nights in bed with me, the SECRET room, and then no sex, THAT became too much. Something had to give, and I had to find out, what is up?!
I can and will forgive him. The trust is not destroyed but it is broken. It means I will have to do spot checks now in future. Strike 3 and he will be OUT. He has had one smaller incident in the past (going somewhere and fibbing about it out of knowing what my reaction would be) so now THIS. He needs to man up and be able to face the consequences of his actions. Rather deal with moodiness or reaction to something a partner does not like, than lie and risk losing her, right?
I don't want someone else, I want him, so if he can promise to trust me by sharing as I do with him, then we will be ok. So NO MORE SECRETS, or I will walk. I broke an engagement many years ago over lies/omission which is also a lie, so he knows I WILL WALK if he lies. As I said, strike 3 and I will go!
In conclusion, I will expect the door to stay open in future. Include me, and even if he does not, I don't mind him playing, just don't lie, there is no need. I in turn, will re-activate MY facebook, and perhaps also play! If you can't beat them, join them?
As for sex, a year and 8 months into it, if it's a "chore" to him, I'd rather find someone else than be with someone who does not want me. He has assured me he wants me, is into me, etc. so I will give him time to rebuild his life, get back in shape and see if he gets his libido back :) With an energetic girl by his side, it's like the Grease song: YOU BETTER SHAPE UP, COZ I NEED A MAN WHO CAN KEEP ME SATISFIED ;-) I've been patient, and love will find a way.
Thanks again for all your comments, you are all very special to take the time and give your advice and own experiences. I've given lots of advice to others on here (anonymously) but now I came with MY situation and it was wonderful to get the help too. You have helped keep me sane, smiling again, and with ammunition to fix this.
I will talk to him either tonight or tomorrow, and share how I've felt, but more importantly, I will try and ascertain why he felt he needed to hide it. Then I will say what he did to my trust, he knows I have a sore spot with that (lies) and that we need to continue having the open and honest communication we always had. I will demand the door remain open in future, and stipulate no more secrets, or else I will have no choice but to walk away from the best thing that ever happened to me!
love to all
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A
female
reader, peacelovecandy  +, writes (4 April 2012):
 My advice: HE NEEDS A LAPTOP. That way he can lay in bed with you and still play the amazing Sims, but you'll be able to watch him and make sure he isn't chatting it up with other women. I have a laptop and when my boyfriend sleeps over, he gets pretty mad at me because I also stay up all hours of the night playing with my Sims! It's an extremely addicting game. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2012): Cheating online can come in many forms and levels from cyber flirting and cybersex in the online chatrooms to hooking up with a stranger to meet for sex on swinging sites and incredibly there are now sites specifically set up for married people to arrange an affair – it doesn’t get much worse than that. Or just using your computer to liaise with someone your partner knows or has known in the past and can now track down through sites such as facebook, myspace and friends reunited etc.
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A
female
reader, doppleganger  +, writes (3 April 2012):
I have to tell you well done for being patient about the whole thing and trusting him, also for the way you handled the situation. If I understood you well, the deal here is not the gaming itself, but the not sharing this piece of his world with you, and lying to you about it as well. And you have every right to feel that way. You have to sit him down quietly so you can talk, try to talk not argue or fight, then it would be his turn to tell you why he acted that way. However it is a two way street. I hate to say it, but men do stupid things, for some reason or another. Only after talking you can decide, whether you can forgive him , reach a compromise and move on, or find love somewhere else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2012): I think you are wrong in asking gamers their advice. Your partner is behaving like a narcissistic on line cheat. He knows you won`t leave so he`s got nothing to lose.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 April 2012):
 My finace is a gamer (COH) but his computer is in our living room and he's open and honest about it. I encourage him to game as it is a great stress reliever for him... and yes he comes to bed much later than I do. But he wakes me for cuddles and kisses...
I feel totally like you do... be honest with me don't lie to me. my ex husband could not wrap his head around this and continued to keep secrets from me about his online activities... it was part of the death of our marriage.
sometimes for some folks the RUSH comes from the secret...
you have to figure out if your trust with him is destroyed now... if it is not... move the computer to an open area and tell him NO secrets.... see how it goes.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 April 2012):
 Judging by your post I would have guess he was in his late teens not 40's, because he sure is acting more like a teenager then an adult. (no offense to teens)
If you sit him down face to face he might feel defensive and thus not listen, so I would honestly suggest that you write it in a letter (or email). Avoid the CAPS and just write it as you feel it. That could be a good starting point for a conversation.
Maybe you two need to get a second computer so you can play together instead of him doing it alone. Since you want to be included.
Also, the sex life. Talk to him, tell him how you miss it, miss him, miss the intimacy with him. If he is unhappy with his weight, maybe you two could get a gym membership and work out together?
Another thing is, don't you two ever go out? To the movies, dinner, walk in the park, window shopping? I'd say get out of the house do things together.
To me it sounds like he is a little addicted to his games and online personality/chatting with random strangers. The fact that he lies about it (like a child) and gets defensive is a huge red flag in my book and that needs to be dealt with. He needs to be honest about it.
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A
female
reader, agonyauntsanonymous +, writes (3 April 2012):
I think he has more likely than not been playing much more than the sims in there. I doubt he would just rush you and write you off to play the sims. I also dont think he had sex with you that night just because he felt more comfortable since he had been exposed. He knew you were angry about your sex life all but vanishing and he didnt want to lose you so my pressumption would be thats why he opted to have sex. You say you do not want to leave him so heres what i think you should do. Tell him that you have lost your trust in him. Tell him in order for you to regain it you must be included in that part of his life. And make it mandatory that that door always stays open. Explain to him your need for sex and agree to something perhaps at least once a week to start out unless he wants more you dont want it to be a chore which at this point its possible thats how he thinks of it. Try that and see how it works out and maybe suggest counselling it could help you to both open up. Good luck
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