A
female
age
41-50,
*illady55
writes:Hiya everyone!! i wrote on here for some advice a couple of months ago and it was really helpful and now im having a few problems again, about the same thing really. The problems started about 6 months ago when my boyfriend was ringing and texting a girl from work, he tried lying about it but i rang the number and it confirmed it was her. It peaked around new years eve when i discovered he had texted her all day and night. I confronted him and also rang her to ask what was going on and they both said they were just friends (she seemed really convincing) so i asked her to STOP!! as it was causing a lot of problems and she said it would (his texts to her were the most flirty).She is a cleaner at the factory where he works, she has 3 children age 2 up by 3 different dads. Everyone i have spoken to has nothing nice to say about her and she isn't very pretty. My boyfriend said it started because she seemed to have lots of fun (by this he means drink and drugs) and because i care about my children so dont get drunk all the time and take drugs i must be a bit "boring". Well he deleted her number off his phone and i thought that was the end of it, but after a few weeks i noticed on the pc he was texting another number a lot so i rang it and it was her again (just changed her sim) so we had a big bust up and split up but he promised me they weren't having an affair and they were just "drink buddies" and was really remorseful. Because we have children i decided to give him another chance. My problem now is she still works at the factory and she finishes at 12.30pm and that's when he has his lunch break. Everytime i ring him at this time he won't answer his phone making up all kinds of reasons i.e his phone's flat (even though it rings) or he didnt hear it etc but i know deep down he is probably spending his lunch with her. Im going mad thinking of them together and him ignoring my calls. I dont know what to do about it I've asked him to change jobs but he says he will have to wait till something else comes up. I even found out she is sometimes going up to his work on a night when he is on late shift giving him drugs, i feel like slappin her face in. I know the best thing would be to get rid of him but we have been together 10 years and have 3 young children that love him to bits. I dont know what to do... any advice would be really appreciated. And thank you all for readin this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2007): i am currently in a similar situation. we have been having some marrital issues recently, odd arguments, etc. under a gut reaction, i checked the cell phone one morning. the text message inbox was empty, that is odd, because i do know that he never empties the inbox. so that raised a red flag with me, so i continued to dig through the cell phone. the sent items box was emptied. so i went in acting like i was going to send a message to my phone. our phones will keep a recent number log, as well as the 8 most recent messages. so when i went into the recent number log to select my number, there was an odd phone number, with a different local area code. red flag again. so once i got to the message box, i selected the recent messages option and scrolled through them. a few were to me, but there was half or more to this other person....'thanks for giving me your number, hope i didn't get you in trouble when i called earlier...' 'how was the rest of your day at work?' 'just wanted you to know i was thinkin of ya', etc. now my stomach is churning. i haven't confronted him yet, because i don't want to 'remove my source of information', so am waiting until the cell phone bill comes out to question the number. but i can sympathize. we have 2 kids, a 5 year old boy, and a 7 month old daughter.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2007): Agreeing partly with the first comment, you sound like a great parent and caring person. Although I am not married, without children, I can relate to this situation completely. My boyfriend has one of those clingy "girl friends" that is always yearning for his attention. By the way I've seen and heard about her, she is a total home-wrecker, breaking up numerous couples because she was so needy. Unfortunately her obsession with my boyfriend escalated to the point where I forbid him to even talk to her; and that is not me. I
became insane, checking his phone, e-mail, and even doing late night drive bys to make sure he was home. He was off and on saying one day, he hated her, then the next, she's a good friend. I am not suspicious of him cheating on me with her, but I still feel that he shares more information with her, than myself.
Being almost borderly insane, I discovered that there is also emotional cheating. Here, someone shares what they should with you, to someone insignificant. I know she still calls, texts, and sees him. But I see this as one of his flaws. It is his choice to let go of their friendship because I've become overtired with the situation.
I suggest letting it ride out. If you attempted to report her bad parenting, she might reach out for your husband more, upsetting you even worse. Since he seems like he's still in need of his so called "friends/coworkers" support, you have to once again be the strong one and let it fade with time. But by all means, let him drink at the house, even with his friends. If he refuses because the children are around, then you can ask him why he's so embarrassed. Maybe realizing that his actions aren't appropriate for you, your children, and your relationship is what he needs.
Letting him discover this for himself could be the life-changing moment. If he's 100 worth it in your book, I mean REALLY worth it, stick it out. Someone once told me "time heals everything." If you can bear all of this for a little longer, you might be surprised with the results. I hope everything works out for you! :)
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A
female
reader, rammsteinfan  +, writes (3 May 2007):
 You are the smart one in this relationship...you put your kids first! And by not drinking and drugging because of them you are a very good parent!! And you have every right to know that their father is cheating on you with this gal!
This gal is not smart at all....she is taking drugs and giving it to your guy!! She should get her kids taken away from her and sit in jail for that. She is not a good role-model for them. Kids come first....after they grow up and move away from home. And if you deside take drugs the only person you hurt is yourself, not the kids!!
Your man needs to drink at home....buy him alcohol so he can make his own drinks....and be there for you and the kids. That is what I would do! And when you get the chance to talk to this home-wrecker, tell her that she needs to find her own guy who in NOT in a relationship!! You could warn her to stay away or you will report her to the proper authorities! She will lose her kids and her job! Just do alot of praying to the Lord for help! He will help you in your time of need!
Good luck and may the Lord protect you and yours!!
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A
female
reader, Calli  +, writes (2 May 2007):
 I do agree with Irish about standing your ground. My suggestion to apologize was based on a desire to create an environment where the two of you might be able to talk productively. To me it would be one way to "shake this relationship up a bit up but in a constructive, good way and get your man thinking and doing".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2007): I thought this would happen. Another Aunt has taken you to task, for 'invading your man's privacy". I view this matter differently. No matter how you behaved..in regards to this invasion of 'his' privacy, you stand your ground. You said it yourself, those text messages he sent to this other woman were flirty on his part and then he lied to you about it. If he is lying and being deceitful about messaging another woman then that alone speaks loud and clear on how he invaded the domain of your relationship and crumbled its protective boundaries, in the first place. For you to have done this..you must've sensed he was up to something. Spying does not damage the relationship. It is an attempt to seek the truth and resolve the pain and deception. Only the truth can provide a foundation from which to begin resolving the hurt, pain and forging a healthier direction for the relationship. So make him own up to what he is doing.
You have some big thinking to do here. Relationship counselling will help with trust building being the main focus because this will be a huge issue in the future of this relationship if you don't get it resolved. Please stay well and be strong. I wish you luck, dear and take care.
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A
female
reader, Calli +, writes (2 May 2007):
First, I have to be honest and say I can't condone your invading your boyfriend's privacy and going through his text messages. I would be furious if my husband did the same to me. Not because there is anything there that I don't want him to see, but because in a good relationship there needs to be trust. You obviously don't trust this man. By going through his text messages, confronting him about it, then trying to control him by telling him who can talk to and trying to get him to change his job, I'm afraid you're actually driving him away. If you do want to keep him, I suggest you may want to change your approach.If I were you at this point, I'd try to have a heart to heart talk with him. I'd apologize for disrespecting him by violating his privacy. I'd tell him I realize he needs to have friendships outside our relationship, but that I wish he wouldn't hide them from me. I guess what I'm hoping is that by changing the environment to one of respect rather than one where you're trying to control him, he'll respond by being more honest. In addtion, I'd suggest getting someone to watch the kids once every week or two and going to the pub with him. Show him you can be fun too. Hopefully, as you spend some relaxing time together, you'll feel closer to him, and it'll be easier to trust him.I was on the other end of this kind of problem recently, and here's what I did to deal with the situation. Maybe it'll help someone:My best friend (other than my husband) is male, and I've known him longer than I've known my husband. He's like a brother to me. Recently I started getting 15 to 20 text messages from him a day. Sometimes we'll have a 20 minute conversation via text message in the evening when I'm at home with my husband. My husband got concerned and told me he was worried that I was getting closer to my bf than I am with him. I responded by starting to read the text messages to him. He quickly realized that our conversations consist of basically two things: a bunch of stupid (trust me) inside jokes, and messages related to my bf's father who is dying of cancer. It was his father's condition that caused the change in behaviour--he texts me from the hospital while his father is sleeping. Talking on the phone would wake his dad up. I've seen a lot of advice on this site that basically says if a person of one sex is texting a person of the opposite sex a lot, then it is unacceptable. I guess I just wanted to share the above with you lillady to give you a little hope by reminding you that it is possible they're just friends. Now if he's doing drugs, I'd be worried about his influence on my kids, but you've said you want to keep him so I'll leave that issue alone.Take care and good luckxx
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A
female
reader, lillady55 +, writes (2 May 2007):
lillady55 is verified as being by the original poster of the question hiya, just to clarify we have been together "10" years not 20 like the title says (he is 47 i am 29) and thankyou for any advice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2007): Your man is: lying, he texting another woman, he's flirty with her and he wants his fun by doing drugs and drinking with this woman. Here he is, deceiving you after admitting that he does text another woman. What does this say about the inherent quality of his character? You know which path he's on, don't you, dear. Now after all this stuff that is staring you straight in the face, you say you still love him and you still want this to work. I know you are afraid and leery to leave, because you have 3 young children with this man. But that has not stopped a lot of women, in the past...from getting out of toxic unhealthy situations. If he doesn't want to pursue a real relationship with you then you're never going to build this relationship back up to par, all on your own. You need him to co-operate, dear. So now, ask yourself...are you be willing to live your whole life in this relationship the way it is, now? I would suggest setting yourself a time frame for how long you will wait to see if he will work with you to making this relationship the best it can be. Don't give him any ultimatums.....just keep a time limit in your mind and see how many efforts he wants to make in this relationship to getting it back up and running in a healthy way. Also, it's time for you and he to consider going to couple counseling together. Start making plans for you and the kids, just in case...he doesn't want to put in the work to loving you back in the way you deserve. You have nothing to lose here as it sits. You might as well shake this relationship up a bit up but in a constructive, good way and get your man thinking and doing, because his recent bad behaviors indicates that he will eventually be blowing up this relationship, in a destructive way, anyways. Good luck, dear and take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2007): Wow 20 years is all your life and now that it is all at risk for some random girl you see your life passing by you. The best advice i could give you is to try and work things out and if he keeps texing her let him go and move on girl there are still some men out there who kow how to value a real women like your self.
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