A
female
age
36-40,
*onfusedgirl187
writes:29 F dating 1.5 years. We talked about how I did not like strip dances. I told him I was fine with him going with friends, but not get a dance. He ended going with just his best friend and went to a private room and got a dance. He lied to me about it. He first said he just sat at a table, then he said he waited at the bar while his friend got one, then when I confronted him (this took a week) he said he got one too. He also told me it was his friend that wanted to go at the end of the night when they were drunk. I know now (not by his admission) that it was he suggested it before he and his friend even met. He also said he doesn't remember me saying I wasn't ok with strip dances or that he wouldn't get one. But I know I did. I just feel devastated. I never thought he would go out of his way to go to a strip club (just thought for friend's birthdays and stag parties). I am starting to wonder if our values are too different or he just doesn't care if he hurts me. I he can do what he wants, but I should at least either accept it or find someone who wont. We argued for weeks about this, because even at first, he denied that he did anything wrong. His apology has come out in small steps, so I feel like he hasn't really done one. He says he is tired of talking about it. When we are together, we are amazing. We have so many other things in common. I just feel like my trust in him is shot and every time he goes out, I think he could go to the strip club and get a dance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2016): I never thought my ex husband would go to a strip club - but he did. I got to find out only because of something someone else mentioned. He knew I would hate it and did it because he wanted to and did not care about my feelings. In the end this was just the tip of the iceberg in terms of his gradual and growing disrespect for me. I would take a break from him for a bit - see how you feel without the intensity of him being in your life for a few weeks. This situation is going to really drag you down. Not all men will go to these kinds of places and certainly not get a private dance. Perhaps you need some proper space between you so YOU can think about what YOU need from a relationship. If he met a girl at a club and they went off to a hotel room and she stripped off and danced you would describe it as him cheating. I would too. So what is so very different about this just because it is 'paid for'. Does handing over money make it legitimate? I think you are right to be angry. He lied. He tried to get away with it. He tried to justify it. He has only apologised because you have forced an apology out of him. He doesn't care about you or your feelings. He is selfish and immature. Do you need a guy like that? Its a red flag.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (10 September 2016):
 YES he lied, broke your trust, can’t be trusted, deceived you, doesn’t have values nor cares for your hurt feelings… But why did you give him permission to go into the den of temptation in the first place if your values are such?
You basically sent a child into a Candy Shop and told him not to be tempted, don’t drool over the products, don’t eat/buy anything and asked him how did he go? With a bit of prodding you eventually get the truth, in that he gobbled the inter fudge section! He pleads amnesia that he didn’t know there were restrictions, which only the guilty would say.
Look, send him to the supermarket for some milk and he'll come back with milk and perhaps some snacks. But to say your fine with him/a man going to a strip club when you’re truly not, only confuses and tempts the best of men.
I feel you are better off without him as his amnesia and disrespect will always come into play. Once a trust is broken you are not meant to be watching and thinking for the rest of your life whether they are doing right or wrong by you?
In my books he was a willing participant and blatantly tried to BS his way out of it. Who else but a liar/cheater would say; either you accept it or go find someone who won’t?
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (9 September 2016):
 Deal breaker. Not so much for the lap dance,not cool, but for the lying. Sounds like he knew darn well yet still did it anyway. Even if he didn't, what decent man thinks its ok to do such a thing behind his woman's' back?Even better, who would want too if committed? Sorry, but he is a jerk
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (9 September 2016):
Listen....First of all...as a man...I would never let a stripper touch me. Why? I have no idea where she was, or who she was with last. Her rubbing that...thing over me, and then coming to you...yeah...NO.
I am not one to say leave him...too easy.
So here is how I look at this...Most men and women, will do things like this when there is nothing at home to "entertain" them. I am not saying it justifies the actions, but it does make the temptation easier.
So questions you may want to look at are... Has your love life gone down in the last few months? Is he a regular in watching porn? Are you conservative or a walk on the wild side when it comes your own sexuality?
Don't get me wrong...I am not on his side at all...because for me...GROSS!!! Be like cleaning the floor of a mall with your tongue.
But you have to look at how things are before making a decision fuel by anger. No one ever makes the right decision when they are angry.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (8 September 2016):
 You can look at the situation like a baseball game...
1. You asked him not to do something, setting down some ground rules and he must have agreed in some way shape or form or at least led you to believe he would honor your wishes.
2. He broke your trust, did exactly what you asked him to do and then lied to you repeatedly about it.
3. He doesn't want to talk about things and he doesn't care about your feelings.
3 strikes and he's OUT!!!!
He broke your trust and doesn't care that you are hurt and disappointed. What more is there to say honestly? I'd kick him off the team. He doesn't respect you and your feelings aren't his concern. Why on earth would you want to stay with someone like this? I wouldn't.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 September 2016):
 I'll be straight up here. A man in a relationship with a woman has absolutely no business going into a private room to receive a lap dance from a stripper. He paid an actual person to perform a sex act IN PERSON on him. Many of those VIP room lap dances are done to induce an orgasm from their patrons while being careful not to cross into the line of prostitution (i.e. no touching by the men, no removal of clothing by the men, etc), but oftentimes, those lines are frequently blurred. His hands may not have been on her, but in a private VIP room setting where he's paid extra for the service, she's on him.
Even in bachelor parties, the lap dances are frequently in public and don't add the extra grinding effort of a private room setting.
Call me a prude, but to me, it would be a dealbreaker to know that my husband paid some woman to take him into a private room to perform a sexual act on him in person. Grinding, dry humping, all of that, it's off-limits to a man who is married or in a monogamous relationship.
The second issue is his lying to you. How can you possibly trust a liar?? It would have been better had he come clean, but he lied until he was caught. Welcome to the rest of your life with the guy. He broke your trust, and he's not interested in how you feel about that. I'd end it.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 September 2016):
 I think he knew you did not want him to get a dance and that is why he lied. Off course lying is going to break your trust even more. The thing is yes it is hurtful but if he wants to get a dance that is his choice, me personally I find it offensive as well if I was in a relationship with him, but I guess he sees it as harmless fun. You might just need to accept that he likes this, the decision is yours, either forget about it and move forward or else end things. You cannot go on being unhappy and bringing it up to him all the time. Something needs to change, and it has to come from you.
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