A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I was talking with a guy for a little over a month and last week he invited me out on a first date. We had coffee, chatted, it was really nice. We went back to his flat share and watched 3 hours of Dave Chappelle. At one point I asked him if I could hold his hand and he said yes. It was all really sweet. We were rubbing each others hands with our thumbs. I asked him if he was okay and he said he felt weird and I asked why. He said he didn't expect holding hands to have a reaction down there. I didn't understand at first and then he gestured towards his genitals. I pulled my hand away from his and laughed, saying how I've never come across that before. We said some other stuff and he asked if I'd like to take things to his bedroom. I said no. We sat watching more tv, and eventually he drove me home. We stopped outside of mine and there was a silence and we both giggled. He said "I'd really like to kiss you please" and I said yes. After the kiss he pulled back and said "that was better than I imagined" and kissed me again. We said our goodbyes and I got out of the car and into the house He texted me later saying he was grinning like a mad man the whole way home and how he can't wait to see me again. That was Friday. On Sunday we met again and went for a walk and a meal. We went back to his and watched a movie. We were cuddling, then started kissing and one thing lead to another... we ended up in his bedroom. Afterwards we cuddled and he showered me in compliments. Everything felt comfortable and exciting. He invited me to sleepover so I said yes. I rang home to let them know I won't be coming home and my Mum freaked out, which usually I don't mind. I'm a grown woman, whose had to return to living at home temporarily, and these bursts of protectiveness from Mum I get used to. I calm her down and remind her my age, my right to do whatever I please and I'll see her tomorrow. Meanwhile, the guy had heard all of this and was freaking out himself....that, I didn't expect, but I dealt with as best as I could. Explaining how my Mum can be and to just let it go over his head. 3rd date was on the Wednesday, we went for food and a lovely drive. Sang to music, chatted loads. Got back to his, again one thing lead to another. More affection and soppy stuff. He takes me home. Then Friday..... I get a message saying he can't do this anymore because he doesn't think he's over his ex-fiance from a 18months ago. That dating me has made him realise that and he's so very sorry. I reacted emotionally, saying how upset I was, that he used me and got what he wanted and now he's ending it all. He said it wasn't like that, that he didn't get what he wanted at all. I asked what he meant by that. He said he wanted a genuine relationship. I said, but that's where I thought we were heading.... I thought I was reading the signals right, I was just going with the flow. Now I feel embarrassed and used. We stopped talking and a few days went by before I received another message from him saying "You deserve the truth. On Friday my manager reminded me that I'm on the transfer list to the london branch in a few months time. I didn't want to invest in something that I'd have to end in a few months. Because I know I can't do long distance again, it hurt too much with my ex" I appreciated his honesty... but I felt cheated out of an opinion on it all. When I think about it, I feel as though maybe he did me a favour? We hung out not long after this online interaction and I asked him is he could try? Because months from now, you never know what might happen. He relented saying he'd try but something didn't feel right about it. So a few days later I messaged him saying that he was right, we should just be friends for now..... and although my gut instinct is telling me that's the right choice, I'm struggling with my feelings. How do I let go? And am I right to let him go?
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his ex, kissing, living at home, long distance, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2019): I think you should go no contact and cut all ties.
You figured it out correctly. He did use you for sex. Then he tried to wiggle his way out when you started showing signs that you're getting attached.
He has decided to try and get his old girlfriend back. If he is leaving, it's for that reason. Suddenly remembering he was on a transfer list sounds kind of flaky to me.
He played you, and he doesn't want to come across like the dick you called him out to be. He needed sex and affection; while contemplating what to do about his ex. For all you know, the plan was already in the works all along. You presented an opportunity that couldn't be refused! Sex!
Just let this go, don't invite the drama. When a guy tells you two stories; either one, or neither is true. If he has to lie, he's not worth your time or trouble. Even at the mention of an ex, let that stick!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 March 2019):
 " 15 Yemen Road, Yemen "...
Sorry, but for some reason I can't help being reminded by your post of that hilarious episode from " Friends " where Chandler, after a short, ill-advised reunion with Janice , to shake her off himself invents that his company transferred him to Yemen ...
This guy finds out that he still has feelings for his ex of 18 months ago… and then that he is " on the list " for a transfer to London… and then the dog ate his homework , maybe …
I think he wanted something very fun, breezy and casual. Casual- cuddly, yes. Casual-affectionate, too- the "GF experience "; but still, very casual : not particularly leading anywhere or heading anywhere , and certainly not after a date or two, and he freaked out seeing that you took things way more seriously.
Is he a snake ? and a user ? yes, - but at the same time, maybe not really. I think this is , once again, a case of " buyer beware ". You were reading signals, ( and maybe not reading them correctly, because someone who asks you to take things to the bedroom before you have even exchanged your first kiss, you can bet that getting laid is on his mind way, way more than getting to know you , seeing if you'd be a good fit for a relationship, etc.), you were following hunches and impressions, in other words trying to guess what a guy whom basically you don't know from Adam is all about . Some times you guess right, some times you guess wrong. And when you guess wrong, your feelings get hurt and your ego gets wounded and you feel used. But, I think it's not prudent, and in a way not even reasonable, to delegate the protection of your emotional wellbeing and best interests to someone who, at the first date, is basically a perfect stranger. Sure, in a perfect world everybody would be a perfect gentleman and would say
" Let's see, there 's this girl who attracts me sexually and who is clearly willing and available ; but , until I am sure that I can give her everything she needs, wants and expects in terms of relationships- I won't touch her because that would not be fair ,nor considerate ". But we don't live in a perfect world !, and the imperfect average guy, without necessarily having the conscious intention to carry out a cruel plan to use you and dispose of you right after , will most likely say " Let's see, there's this girl who attracts me sexually and who is clearly willing and available. Let's give her a try and see what happens; then if I want to continue I will, if not I'll wing it somehow,I'll come up with some reason to break things off ".
Unluckily , the most reliable, foolproof way to avoid becoming a casualty in this kind of sexual hit-and -runs is stoll the old fashioned one- i.e. if what you want is a relationship, FIRST you make sure you are in one, and then you introduce sex into it. Real dates, not just home visits,"chilling" , fooling around and- then- one- things-leads- to-another etc. Taking things slowly, until you are satisfied, to the best of your knowledge, that you are both on the same page in terms of expectations and you both want the same thing. It takes the time that it takes, 2 months, 3 months, 6 months , whatever you deem necessary .
As a matter of fact, many girls who are looking for a stable relationship would save themselves many disappointments and wastes of time if they only stated clearly from the get-go : " My choice is to have sex only in the context of a serious, stable relationship; is this i a problem for you ? ,.. then we are not suited to each other ". Of course many girls would die rather than uttering these words , because this is so Victorian, prude, old fashioned,right?..I think instead that it would be a strong, nodern, empowering , feminist position, a position of force. You know what you want, and you say it. You know what works for you and you don't let others choose for you the terms and conditions according to which live your sexuality.
That, of course , if a stable , committed relationship is your choice and priority. If you make other choices , in some periods of your life or for your whole life, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Some people are actually happier not being tied down to a relationship or a partner, for them casual or FWB actually work best .
But if committment and monogamy is your preference - then you need, in future, to be a bit more cautious . Not all the people who test drive a car want to actually buy it, even if they praised it a lot- and the car dealer knows it perfectly, so he does not get offended or hurt because of that...
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (7 March 2019):
 He’s talking rubbish.
He knows exactly what he was doing and what he was after. If he wasn’t over the ex then why was he trying to fake that he was? He was over her when he was taking you on dates, kissing you, sleeping with you. Absolutely full of shit. Take it from a guy, I’ve been there, done that. He fed you a load of crap how he could promise the world and wanted you as a GF when in reality he did the bare minimum to get you into bed before dropping a lame excuse to cut ties.
Always remember, if a guy wants you as a GF he will do ANYTHING to make it work. This ‘right person, wrong time’ stuff is a load of rubbish, if two people want a relationship to happen, it will do no matter what.
Block and move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (7 March 2019):
 Don't waste any more time on this one.
I think all he really wanted was to bed you and once that got done... he was done with you.
He shouldn't have been pursuing you knowing full well that ALL he has to offer is sex and minimal investment, because he is still not over the ex.
BLOCK and move on, Don't WASTE your time on a guy who doesn't SEE you as a option to date.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 March 2019):
 He is full of crap. He DID use you. He knew he wasn't staying, that he wasn't over his ex, so you were ego salve and he took you to the bedroom really fast, that's for sure.
What freaked him out was your discussion with your mom. He saw that you were serious about you and he being an actual serious relationship and not just a "girlfriend experience" meaning he would PRETEND to have feelings for you. He freaked because he didn't want you to become to ATTACHED to him.
What a complete and total snake. Honesty? NO, he wasn't. He knew full well that he was out for the sex. You were just the warm body at the time.
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