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Do I have a valid reason to leave him?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Online dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 March 2019) 10 Answers - (Newest, 9 March 2019)
A female Philippines age 30-35, *race77 writes:

Hi. I am currently confused at the moment. Can somebody tell me what to do? So i met this guy on a dating site a month ago. Everything went well, we do video call for hours, we made plans for the future, he tells me i love you and misses me. But as time goes by, change was noticed. He wont say i love you nor anynore. He keep changing plans and making me feel like i am unwanted, unloved and unvalued. I dont want to assume, but ladies have that feeling and when we feel it, it is right. He still consistently calling me everyday, but i dont feel like he is into me anymore. I dont understand why he still want to be with me ,yet treated me wrong. Yesterday as we were talking on vid call. He said he will slap me on the face, and ue sounded serious. I asked him he ever hit a woman, then he said change topic. And it made me wonder, and now it bothers me. I wanna leave him. But how? I dont want to hurt him. Do i have a valid reason to leave him? Please enlighten me. Thank you.

View related questions: I love you, unloved

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (9 March 2019):

This guy has pegged you as weak-minded. He is taking advantage of your naivete and loneliness. You have to block him and delete messages you have already received; because they will only tempt you, and remind you how he tells you he loves you.

You haven't lost control. Cut it out! You like being manipulated and told by a man that he loves you. Even if you don't really believe him.

I think he has figured-out there's something about your personality he can easily manipulate. He doesn't think you're very smart, my dear. Please don't give him any advantage or power to toy with your feelings and emotions. If he is a narcissist, he will seriously injure you emotionally. If he is a scam-artist, he will get money out of you, or make you do things you'll later regret.

No one here on DC is going to sit here trying to change your mind. You're a grown-woman. I think you know right from wrong, and you also know sugar from dog poop. I think you're dealing with an online-Romeo who knows how to push your buttons; and you're in a state of desperation and loneliness. Nearly to the point of foolishness.

You're not a rebellious teenager who requires social media monitoring. You know better.

You've been fairly warned. Go ahead and play with fire. He knows he can play you. All it takes is sweet-talk!

Maybe you have to learn the hard-way. Once you get burned; maybe you'll know better next time. Like so many women who wait until it's too late; you'll be damaged, and will never trust again. Worse, he may be violent and hits women!

One thing for sure. You know something is up; because you've written a post about it. So you're no fool. You simply want to throw all caution to the wind; just because you like his sweet-talk, and hearing him say "I love you!"

Messing with this guy could be a major mistake that could take a very long time to recover from. Go ahead...roll the dice! Gamble with your heart! He may not love you, but threatening to slap you ought to make you think!

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (9 March 2019):

N91 agony auntBecause he doesn’t want you to forget him.

It’s really simple. He enjoys knowing he has this power over you, it strokes his ego.

There shouldn’t be any ‘trying’ involved here. YOU are the only one who will get hurt from all of this, the rest of us will sleep soundly at night no matter what decision you take, so it’s in YOUR best interests to just block the guy. Don’t leave anything down to chance and allow him to contact you still. What’s the point? Why make it harder than it should be. Just delete him, don’t give him the chance to contact you, he’s a time waster, good for nothing and if you leave him a way to worm his way back in he will do, but the pain will feel worse than it has to.

Block, delete, move on.

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A female reader, Grace77 Philippines +, writes (8 March 2019):

Grace77 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you all your advices :) i really appreciate it. I just hope i will have the courage to let go, as when I tell myself not to message him nor answer his calls, but i lost all control. but why does he stay in contact with me if he doesn't like me?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2019):

Leave him? What ? Just block him from your contacts online. Simple. You've never met him or lived with him so there is no one to leave.

I'm surprised that at your age you are thinking this this. Usually it's young teenagers that think this way.

You cannot love someone you don't know or have never met.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (7 March 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntAre you really in your 30s? I am amazed that you think you can be in love with someone you haven't even met and have only known for a month, especially given that he threatened to slap you.

What is it going to take for you to realize this guy is no good? An ACTUAL slap? Do you think he will stop at ONE slap? This guy is playing you like a yo-yo. He blows hot and cold so you are unsure where you are up to with him. This will make you insecure and dependent on him. Then he will have complete control over you.

For crying out loud, block him and find yourself someone who wants a proper relationship and who treats you with respect. I do hope you haven't told this guy where to find you.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (7 March 2019):

A man tells you he wants to slap you, and you ask if you have a valid reason to leave him?

Have you ever met him in-person? If not, thank God!

How can someone be in-love with you in a time-span as short as a month? You don't even mention if you've ever actually spent real-time together...I mean in-person. This sounds like an online romance; built completely on fantasy and sweet-talk.

Video-chatting is tantamount to having a romance over those interactive cam sex-sessions. You say whatever the other person wants to hear. The only difference is no one gets paid. You may have had video-sex, and exchanged nudes; but it isn't a real relationship, until you get together and go beyond just words and screen-images.

He doesn't love you, and never did. I hope you never took off your clothes for him, or sent him any money.

He's an online Romeo looking for vulnerable naive lonely women like you.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (7 March 2019):

N91 agony auntForget about him.

You CANNOT fall in love after 1 month. It’s absolutely not possible, you are strangers. You’ve never met the guy, you don’t know anything about each other, how can he love you? The idea of it is ridiculous.

People dropping that 4 letter word after a short space of time are usually the ones who have something up their sleeve whether it’s a whole load of baggage or some ulterior motive.

I’d avoid this one definitely.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (7 March 2019):

CindyCares agony aunt You would not even need a valid reason to "leave" some guy that you just met one month ago on a dating site and you have never met so far !, but in just such a short time he has started blowing hot and cold, flaking out on you and generally treating you unkindly. That sounds valid enough to me... The clincher then is the phrase about slapping you , - maybe he did not mean it literally, maybe sime frustration or disappointment just came out all wrong… still, I mean, how does he even DARE ? You haven't even met yet, and he is taking such liberties in his words and attitude ?...Nip it in the bud, block him and forget about him . Don't worry about " hurting " him, - I doubt, TBH, that he will feel much of anything because , let's face it, what you've got with him so far is a month of romantic blah blah blah ( of which he is getting tired already, anyway ). Talk is cheap.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (7 March 2019):

Honeypie agony auntYou have only known him a month, never met in person and he isn't treating you in a nice way. For anyone to say they want to slap you in the face, that should be a HUGE clue for you to NOT talk to them.

Don't waste your time on this one. The whole "I love you and all that good stuff" it's FANTASY, you don't KNOW the guy in person. Video chatting is not the same and IF he after ONLY a month no longer "loves" you... then let him go.

JUST block and move on.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2019):

It’s only been a month and there’s mention of love and future plans? Red flag red flag red flag.

I know sometimes things feel right, and it’s ok to feel things, it’s great! But EMOTIONALLY MATURE and HEALTHY ADULTS don’t rush into things with basically strangers in a time span of a month. Whenever you meet a guy that moves that fast, it’s a red flag. I’m not saying it never works out, but I am saying YOU then need to be cautious and slow down. More often than not a person who loves FAST also hits the brakes FAST.

In this case, the amount of effort he was pouring in in the one month was not sustainable for a lifetime. So guess what? At some point he would HAVE to slow down and stop with the loving comments etc. and what’s worse, he’s now showing signs of an abuser: control, threats.... if moving fast was a red flag, here is your “time to end it” red flag. It’s time to cut ties and run.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, but since it’s been a short while, I’m hoping you can move on from this a little more quickly. Don’t ever put up with bad disrespectful behavior. Always nip that it in the bud and RESPECT YOURSELF first and foremost. If your partner can’t respect you, you call him out on it, and he leaves, then great: you weeded out a dud. You can find someone whose feelings are genuine and who will be respectful back.

Also: please let us know if you need more info re abuse ( what signs to watch out for re control etc. some signs can be subtle....) you can also do some research. Please don’t let his go on more than necessary. Even if he’s not an abuser, trust me there are guys out there that don’t act like this 100% guaranteed.

Be strong! Hugs!

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