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He doesn't want to move on. I can't see us lasting together. So why do I keep going back to him?

Tagged as: Age differences, Breaking up, Dating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 August 2014) 1 Answers - (Newest, 1 September 2014)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I've been with a slightly younger guy for 2 years now.

After 8 months we moved in together in to a house i bought. We shouldn't have moved in so quick, because it all ended up pear shaped and i had to move him out to cut a long story short.

We ended up arguing every day, i was in tears all the time, lost a hell of a lot of weight, and couldn't properly concentrate on my business whilst he made me feel he was using me and the house, texting others behind my back, and like he hated who i was. Even though, he swore he was never chatting to anyone else and that he was stressed and found me irritating and everything else he said to belittle me and batter my confidence, i found some strength and got him out (I couldn't leave my home to stay on friends sofas any longer) i was pretty much desperate for some relief and space.

Now.. 4 months later, after i thought moving him out would mean the end of it, he hasn't let me move on, i feel so guilty every time i tell him its over, "i dont feel this anymore".. "i need space", "i think we need to go our separate ways"..because i get all the guilt trips, the begging, the tears, the "i love you so much" to the point where i booked and paid for us to go on holiday so we could try and fix everything.

I've bought him things for his flat, and i've tried every week since then to make us work but theres too much water under the bridge now that i cannot see our future working.

Every weekend now for the past 3 weeks i've ended it, trying so hard to be strong and move on and i've told him he's a good looking guy, he can get someone who will match him, hes a hard worker, he'll do so well in life, i've tried to paint the picture for him so he will let me try my hardest to be strong and move on but we've always ended up seeing eachother again and pretty much brushing everything under the carpet, pretty much sacrificing my own happiness to make him happy.

I have never had a guy destroy my confidence and make me question my selfworth like he did. I find him so controlling, and always telling me i'm wrong, yet most of our conversations revolve around him, his job, his friends, his workouts, his gym, his freelance, his limited finance after all his bills go out. I'm exhausted like i'm an empty tank carrying someone on no fuel.

Why do i keep going back? because of the guilt, the physical attraction, the fear of always being alone, because i do believe it or not care about him alot and because we've spent 2 years fighting so many of our life battles together that i feel attached to him, which i know is natural and part of any relationship.

Thats me being 100% honest. I just can't see us lasting forever, i don't feel i get anything i need from him, to help me grow as a person. I've pushed him, encouraged him, supported him not only financially, boosted his confidence when he's needed it.. i just feel he's taken from me and i'm emotionally and physically exhausted. I cannot rely on him for anything, not even support with my business as he's just not in the same place as me, he's building his own life and i understand that.

I just need some words of encouragement, or someone who can give the biggest slap i've ever had to make me stop looking at things with the same view that always makes me go back.

I'm currently holding back from replying to his 5 messages. I know there's someone out there for the both of us that will suit us so much better, i don't want to feel used, or like a meal ticket, or like the person i'm going to be with for the rest of my life is going to bully bully bully me and tell me how to be, or where i'm doing things wrong whilst they take what they can from me to help them get to where they need to be in life, regardless if they feel so in love with me and they want me forever.

And even after everything i've just typed up, why is there still "something" there making me feel so guilty and like its so much easier to just go back, and try again? :(

View related questions: confidence, move on, moved in, on holiday, text

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (1 September 2014):

Honeypie agony auntJezz woman! Let me be the first in line to verbally "slap" some sense into you!!

Grow a set of ovaries! And CUT the contact. YOU are with him out of pity and he is MILKING you for everything he can GET out of you.

You bought a VACATION for the two of you? You bought him stuff for his flat? Seriously? You are not his mom.

YOU don't love him, you know you are actually getting NOTHING out of this "arrangement". No support, no help, nada!

Either call and TELL him it's over and YOU are done, or TEXT him and then let him know you are BLOCKING his number as you want NO FURTHER contact.

He knows EXACTLY what buttons to push to make you go " oh poor boy I must "fix him and change his nappy"!! And he is manipulating the FIRE out of you. YOU on the other hand are enjoying being "needed", so my guess is, THAT is what you get out of this clusterF... of a relationship.

Come on, girl. YOU know you can do better. HOW about you put YOURSELF and YOUR NEEDS first in your life.. for a change?

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