| A
female
,
*utahuti
writes: Hi.I've been married for 2 years and recently discovered my husband has been cheating. It started 1yr ago almost to the date of our anniversary. He has been lying to me for the past year about this and I learned last month he has been "miserable" for the last year. I thought that we were just having some relationship problems until I discovered several emails to the other party over the course of the last year which show not only he cheated but he kept trying to pick up where he left of with her so to speak. The last email was dated last month. We have one child and I am 5 1/2 months pregnant with our second child. I've already made the decision that I am willing to forgive, work things out but when I pose the questions to him like do you still want to be with me he just gives me an "i dont know" answer. I feel betrayed because of the cheating but even worse knowing that I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep the marriage together and he just "doesnt know" where he stands. How long do I wait for him to answer? Or should I wait at all and assume I don't know is his way of saying "No". Thanks in advance for any advice.
View related questions:
anniversary Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Mr S  +, writes (30 August 2006):
 You sound like a person that is in turmoil. It’s easy for people to jug you and your husband without giving things a chance. If you would like to sort thing out I would suggest that the fact that he has not said Yes to a break-up might be a good thing not a bad one The first step is for him to stop seeing the `Other Woman` if he is serous about a reconciliation. If he gives her up then I would suggest that there is hope. The second step, you must be prepared to fully and completely forgive him. Never bring it up in any arguments this is very hard You must talk to him about the situation that you find yourselves in. if he finds it difficult to talk to you then perhaps a trip to guidance counselling might help. But you both must agree to this in order for guidance to work. Both of you must be blunt and totally truthful. Find out why he felt he needed for another woman in order to ensure that it never happens again. If you cannot talk and communicate adequately in order to rectify any problems then unfortunately separation and divorce may be needed. I would strongly suggest that a simple “I am Sorry” is not enough as I know many men and woman that have said that, and still continued screwing around. You must both communicate and seek agreeable solutions in order to rectify your marital problems. The alternative is for you to close your eyes while your husband screws around with other women, this will leed to you having a miserable unfulfilled life and you are also in grave danger from STDs which are on the increases.I hope that you can patch things up but; if you cannot work thing out to bot your satisfactions’ then don’t be afraid to call the marriage off. You will survive and your children and you will be fin To yourself be trueAll the best Mr S
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (30 August 2006):
 I think you are going to be miserable with this guy if you decide to stay in the marriage. He sounds like a complete idiot. People who absolutely have no sense of honor or integrity are pretty much irredeemable. You won't be changing his ways, trust me. I think to insure your future happiness as well as your children's you must move on. You'll be alright, you sound like a very wonderful person. Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2006): Hi, In your position you need comfort and care. He is not providing you that as far as I am concerned. Your child is young and needs a stable home. And the new on on the way wants that too. Look at your children's interest and provide what's best for them. You need to find out if he is still commited to the marriage and as being a parent too. I gues you can take it from there.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2006): hello first of all can i say i do not understand why people do that i mean if you are going to have an affair then ok fine but why keep in the relationship why not split up then go to the other person they say that they cant tell you cause they dont want to hurt you but the only thing that hurts is that they didnt tell you any way sorry bout that i was so mad at your story and to what he sed to you i cant tell you what to do or to say but i can tell you i would say leave if he has any doubts then its not a true love i mean you are willing to forgive him for the terrible thing he has done yet he is saying he doesnt know i feel its not a good enough answer you need to be told the truth and you need him to be strieght with you you have been through to much to be messed about you need to know in black and white how he feels and if it not 100% then its not enought sorry bout the spelling x mandy x
...............................
A
female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (30 August 2006):
 Crikes what an arsehole... Honey I feel really bad for you I really do, but he does not deserve your forgiveness, he doesnt repect you and the answer "I dont know" simply says to me that he cant really be arsed but will do whatever seeing as you are carrying his second child.
Now the thing that puzzles me, im taking it the baby was plannned, is that if things were not going to plan you said he felt miserable for a year, thats 6 months before you concieved, then why did he think it a good idea to have another a child to add to the problems rather than work through what problems already were there ?
For someone to cheat and lie like he has is simply awful, but to continue to do it whilst you are pregnant and not try and work things out, shows that he really doesnt want to.. I dont think any amount of councilling on his part hun will work on this, i think his heart actually lies elsewhere and sorry to say it,and it does hurt, he is just going through the motions with you.. If he cared an ounce he would have had second thoughts about this affiar and would have tried to talk to you and tell you what was up rather than run off to anothers arms at the first sign of trouble.. and the fact that hes not even begged for forgivness or told you hes sorry for what hes done or even said that he will do anything to make this up to you, shows to me he really does not care hun, you cannot care for the both of you... you might think its better to have him even if he doesnt want to be here, but at least i have a dad for my children and a companion, it doesnt work like that, hes got to want to be there whole heartedly, which it sounds like he doesnt want to be, or you just prolong the agony.
My mum thought she could love my dad for the both of them many years ago, he cheated left right and centre, she stayed together for us children and the fact she loved him so very much, and that it would be alright as they would still be together and she could make right, she could be strong and make everything great again, but her life was hell.. he carried on cheating but stayed married and looked to be doing the right thing, but he was just there for us kids to a fashion when he wasnt off cheating anyway.. but in truth all that it did was make my mum ill, and prolong the agony, after 25 years she finally got a divorce, it had an affect on me as i knew growing up things were not right with my parents, and i used to get upset about how they were not like other kids parents, no cuddles no togetherness and i used to worry myself sick about leaving home from the age of 11, as what would mum do wihtout us kids there, dad was horrid at times as he didnt really want to be there, but felt duty bound i suppose, but it hurt to see mum put so much effort in and get nothing back she tried literally jumping thorugh hoops to keep him happy, when she really was not happy, but loved her children regardless, she loves us unconditionally and always put us first, she is an excellent mum, but more or less raised us on her own as dad was too busy having the lads life!! When it came to it I couldnt bare to leave her on her own with him, so glad that she actually moved out the same time as i did.. but i feel at times i stayed to make sure she was okay, afterall she made sure i was wanted loved and cared for and didnt go without, and shes always been there for me, and i commend her for doing what she did, but i woudl have preferred in all honestly for dad to have just buggered off... what im trying to say, if he doesnt want to be there dont force it or it will become a bigger mess, it will impact the kids if he stays or goes, sometimes its worse if he stays and the dragging down of you is not worth it, Kick him out, you already have one lovely child and one onthe way, you can love and cherish them without this rat, you can be strong and show your children how special they are, its not easy either way hun, but to sit and watch a bloke that dont want to be there, sure is no picnic and its a cruel thing to do to you, and could ruin the rest of your life. Get him out and make it on your own,your strong enough,you have your children no matter what, I wish my mum could do it all over again, she would have been so much happier, i love her for being there for me and she is my best friend, but i wish her younger years when we were kids were happier, dont make the same mistake she did, have a life as well as cherish your children, but be happy, you cant love him for the both of you, it tears you apart.
I really do wish you the best of luck, there are brighter tomorrows, but dont let his heartless swine bring you down, be strong for your children and make those rainy days shine again.
Much love
Take care x x
...............................
A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (30 August 2006):
 Ditto, Dr. Pete. He said what I meant, only a lot more eloquently. My heart goes out to you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2006): Hi nutahuti
I am so sorry to hear about your current situation, I really feel for you.
I think there is a big difference between someone cheating and someone who cheats and lies. The first is maybe forgivable, but the second indicates something far worse and unreconcilable about a relationship. His deceit and consequent behaviour shows a complete and utter lack of respect and love towards you.
When your husband replies "I don't know" to you asking to give it another go he is basically saying he doesn't want to be with you. You are his wife, and the mother of his child. And you're pregnant with another. If he loved you, he would be on his knees begging for forgiveness and doing everything he can to put right what is wrong.
Sadly he has not done this. You are commendable for wanting to forgive and work things out, but I think your compassion and love is being wasted on this guy.
He is a coward who has run away from his responsibilities. No decent, honest and caring guy worth your love would act in the way your husband is acting.
Try and imagine how you would act if you were found out to be cheating on your husband. Would you act like him, or would you be doing everything you can to fix things? Actions speak louder than words. What are his actions showing about his feelings towards you? Your husband shows no guilt, and no remorse. He is not sorry for what he has done, nor that he respects you, let alone loves you.
I'm sorry if this upsets you, but from what you have said it seems your dedication is wasted on this fool and that you deserve someone who will treat you like the most special and cherished women on the planet. It's just very sad his cowardace behaviour has led to this situation where there will be so much heartache.
...............................
A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (30 August 2006):
You are on the horns of a dilemma. Personally, I'd move out and get a lawyer. This guy doesn't deserve your forgiveness, nor does he apparently want it. He obviously doesn't take your marriage very seriously, and I wouldn't spend another day with him.
...............................
A
female
reader, snowbird  +, writes (30 August 2006):
 Seek counselling first and foremost - for the sake of the children, you owe it to them to give it a chance. Normally in these circumstances I'd say leave him, but there is so much at stake, and you have proven that you are a strong person in that you are willing to give him a chance.
However, he also has to want to make it work, and ought to give the other woman up - and be SEEN to have given her up.
The relationship can never be a totally fulfilling one for you, knowing that he is capable of completely hoodwinking you for a whole year - you will never be able to completely trust him after this, but you say it is a price that you are willing to pay. This will only ever be worthwhile if he is repentant, and can prove to you that he loves you and his children, and wants to give the marriage his ALL in future..Is he willing to do this, or are you just going to accept "I don't know"??
Only you can really know whether his decision is worth waiting for, and counselling may just clarify this.
Good luck, I do hope your future holds good things, for you and your children. He ought to count his blessings, that he has such a wonderful, strong wife. You, your child - and the one you are carrying - should be the catalyst which makes him want to stay and work at keeping his family together. Otherwise he will regret it when the children turn around in future and ask him where he was when they were growing up, and needed him so badly.. someone should point this out to him next time he says "I don't know"!
...............................
|
