A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:After getting divorced I had no intentions of meeting anyone but it happened, I met indirectly through work the most amazing man, he happens to be a consultant in a local hospital. I know in the beginning I put him on a massive pedestal and almost thought of him as a Demi god, I think he enjoyed this admiration a lot, as time went on he showed me a few red flags like getting extremely jealous, his ex wife was a very different person to me so I think he struggled with the extrovert I am sometimes. I have managed to kind of come to terms with him being quiet for a few days if I do something that makes him jealous. The behavioural pattern that is really freaking me out is inability to cope with anything even slightly emotive, so if I have a want he’s not willing to give he will text me and tell me he’s feeling overwhelmed, this could be something as simple as me asking him if he fancies going somewhere, or me telling him I’ve had a rubbish day, he will then finish with me as it’s all too much and several days later he’s back, promising the world but telling me he can’t cope with his emotions and mine at the same time , I don’t believe I ask for more than most women, I never really know what that means. He’s told me several times that he feels he fancies me too much and our sexual chemistry clouds his judgement, when I’ve ended stuff he goes off on one and spends the whole time contacting me and begging me to be with him. A few weekends ago we where looking to buy somewhere together, (his suggestion) but when he got his house valued he once again went down a rabbit hole and was overwhelmed? I just stopped talking about it. I love this man, we’ve spoken about marriage several times, but I’m so confused about what he’s about and what’s going on. I just want us both to be happy. When I try to walk away he comes back to me and he states it’s fate, and I’m the woman he wants to spend his life with.
View related questions:
divorce, ex-wife, his ex, jealous, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2022): Typo correction:
"You've been given warnings to pump the [brakes]."
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2022): You're an intelligent, experienced, and mature woman over 40; but you come across like someone in her early 20's!
You've listed some huge red-flags, identified some very erratic behavior, and this guy seems utterly and profoundly neurotic. He is far from marriage-material! I've been an uncle with DC since 2013, and I've learned a long time ago; that ladies in their late 30's (and older), when they say "...but I love him!" All the advice anonymous readers, uncles, or aunts offer is just a waste of time. When you write for advice, you have to be open-minded and clear-headed. You can't be closed-off to the kind of advice that might be hard to swallow. You've mentioned several behaviors that indicate possible mental-health issues, and a smidgeon of narcissism. He plays vulnerable to get your guard down; then he gaslights you to believe you may be the one causing him to suffer. My dear, all I can say is..."watch out!" I've seen this pattern of behavior you've described a number of times!
Loving people does not excuse their bad-behavior, it does not void the facts, and it does not erase red-flags!
If you wrote DC to find someone to tell you how to fix him; that isn't going to happen. The flaws you've found, are character issues and emotional issues that require professional therapy. He needs to work on how to cope with stress and adult situations. Depending on how severe his anxieties are, he can learn to manage them on his own; or should seek help. You shouldn't be the one burdened to do it. Too many people go that route; and they just get deeper and deeper into the thicket. You're too old to be placing men up on pedestals and worshiping human beings. It takes lowering yourself to do that!
Were you much younger, understandably, you would not have the benefit of maturity and life-experience to your benefit. You've mentioned the very things you should avoid when you find odd behavioral-quirks in a romantic-prospect. You do not allow "love" to make you blind and void of your commonsense. You've been given warnings to pump the breaks.
If you even bother to consider my advice; my advice is to run for the hills with your hands over your head screaming! Take a big pass on this guy! All you've seen is an act, as far as being a prince. He knows how to hide it; but the bad stuff keeps bubbling to the surface.
Run, girlfriend!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (16 November 2022):
 Oh dear, where to start? Right, in no particular order:
If he is a consultant in a hospital, he is obviously a reasonably intelligent man. However, while he may be good at coping in a work environment (where I would imagine he is very good at staying detached and professional), he cannot cope with things that get too "personal". I suspect he is quite high on the autistic spectrum. However, this would obviously have to be diagnosed by professionals and, as it doesn't sound like he wants to change or work at his issues, I guess that won't happen. This does not, however, give him license to treat you badly, which he is doing.
He may tell you that you are the woman for him but his actions say otherwise. Words are cheap, my friend. Anyone can tell you that you are wonderful and they want to be with you. Don't listen to words. Watch his actions. What do THEY tell you? He dumps you over the slightest "misdemeanor". Every time you step out of line, he punishes you by going silent on you. What is it exactly that you love about being treated like this? How does he make you feel when he tries to control you in this way? You should not have to dull your personality, just because it makes him feel insecure (because I believe that is the bottom line with him).
Is this how you want to live your life? Only you can answer that. I am guessing you don't, otherwise you would not have written in. This man may be wonderful in a lot of ways but, if you stay with him, he will end up dragging you down. You sound like a lovely bubbly person. Don't let his insecurity dull that. EVER.
In your shoes I would wish him well and get as far away as possible, even down to blocking every way he has of contacting you. The problem is, you say you love him, like this is justification for the way he treats you. If HE truly loved YOU, he would not want you to change. He would not want to upset you. He would not want to punish you.
I doubt you will leave him anytime soon, because you seem to think that the most important thing is that you love him. You can love someone and still not be a good fit. He will grind you down until you walk round him on eggshells and until you are terrified of your own shadow, in case it sparks a negative reaction from him.
I don't see this ending well. It is your choice how long you put up with it. Personally I think you are worth better. What do YOU think?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (16 November 2022):
 He sounds manipulative and toxic, Op
If I were you I would in NO uncertain terms end it and then block him, perhaps even change my number.
This is not going to work out and it's not a healthy relationship for you. AT ALL. And you know it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2022): What you say makes no sense. He is coping with his emotions by walking away or ignoring you for a few days - that is how he does it. He takes care of number one, him. You are the one who cannot cope with your own emotions. You cannot cope with his behaviour. You are the one with the problem not him. If he had a problem he would be the one paying a counsellor to listen or writing to us - not you.
The answer is simple. He will not change. You stick with it and make the most of it or end it. Stop making a huge drama out of it, we all have to decide whether or nor to stick with someone sometimes, most of us do not write to strangers online about it, we just make a decision and get on with it.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2022): Sounds like he’s massively emotionally immature, your life won’t be your own if you stay with him, I think he could be a narcissist. Run for the hills!
...............................
|
